Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@OdeToBarney sorry to hear about your friend. It’s the hope that kills us really isn’t it? I’m sure you’ve worked really hard to get her this opportunity, and had so much invested in it. You know she will turn up eventually, so contrite because she let you down. And she will expect you to melt and say that yes, maybe the timing wasn’t quite right, and the place was full of losers, and she was worried about her home, and still has some other issues to deal with . Blah blah. By the end of it , you will probably apologise to her for putting her through something so inappropriate. And then you can slip back into being the enabling friend, neglecting your own family whenever she needs you.
sorry, think I’m projecting here, but your post rang so many bells with me. My sister was an addict and died. I’ve spent far too much of my life trying to sort out the mess she left and her children who have the same issues. My breakthrough moment was after a failed rehab for my niece, who gave me the above reasons for its failure. And then when I said I was disappointed, she suggested I’d encouraged it in order to steal her child, who was living with me at the request of the Local Authority. It wasn’t the end of our codependent relationship, but it was the beginning of the end. You didn’t cause it, and so why are you suffering ? She isn’t she’s blissful, sucking on her bottle of oblivion. She may be a lovely person underneath, but she’s never going to care about you in the way that you have cared for her. Please find a good therapist, and work through the compulsion to save people. It’s very liberating. Then find a real friend. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh. I can hear how lovely you are.

@pointythings thank you for taking the time to reply. You are right, I do know what I need to do, and actually, have just sent a long message (god knows if she'll actually read it) telling her that I am stepping away. I'm sat here on the sofa, paralysed with fear and sadness, crying my eyes out. But there is nothing else I can do that won't also destroy my own life.

@3dogs2cats thank you for taking the time to reply. There was nothing too harsh about your message, and I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with your DS and DN. Addiction is shit and cruel. Kind words from a stranger are weirdly comforting, I have done everything in my power to help her. I've had her stay with me, driven over to her house (not local) with my husband and daughter to fix things that she couldn't fix, or cope with getting someone else to fix. I've spent hours on the phone with her, arranged babysitting so I could drive her to rehab 2 hours away, been spoken to like shit, made to feel I am not doing enough for her. Why? Why am I putting up with this? I have just sent her a message drawing a line under this situation. Telling her that I will be here if and when she is sober, but not before. I just wish I didn't feel so sad and guilty (I know deep down I have nothing to feel guilty about). Now I am going to have a nice bath and get on with jobs at home, and caring for and about the people that care about me.

@OdeToBarney well done. Hang on to that determination, let the tears out when they come, grab your own life with both hands. If your friend finds recovery, that's the time to be there for her.

@3dogs2cats wise words from you. I remember all too well what the hope and the end of hope felt like.

I have my RL group tonight, I will take your words with me.

Thank you @ppointythings. I have just said to DH that I'm not sure she will get through this, but I know there is nothing else I can do. Life is short and it is for living - and I fully intend to live my life to the full.

@OdeToBarney gosh well done. That’s the first hill climbed. She won’t let you go easily probably, but stay firm, the guilt will fade and then the relief will kick in.

@3dogs2cats it's so hard. I've thought about her all day. But we as a family have some exciting things happening this week and I'm going to my best just to forget about her.

Excellent. Focus on your family. There may be unselfish addicts out there, but I never met one. Her thoughts will all be poor me. She’ll have to get right back to rock bottom before she thinks about the harm she has caused.

And if you haven’t already, you might want to think about blocking her….

@3dogs2cats funnily enough, my finger hovered over the block button earlier, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I get the feeling from this thread that a lot of addicts are needy (as in constantly on the phone or text etc) but she isn't like this. She disappears and goes quiet, so I'm not expecting any contact.

@OdeToBarney you don't have to permanently block her. But set aside a time of day when you unblock her and read her messages, then keep her blocked the rest of the time. Gatekeep the amount of your headspace she can have so that you can live your life.

@OdeToBarney have you ever said no before? My dn in general is really avoidant and difficult to reach, but say no and all hell unleashes. 100s of abusive messages in the middle of the night, threats of suicide, crazy accusations, etc. fine for them to disappear for weeks on end but if I didn’t respond immediately, well . I was just a cardboard cutout to her. She had no concept that I had other stuff going on.

@3dogs2cats she's never really asked for me anything, that's the thing. Although obviously she feels like I should do more, because of her comments this week (when I said she knew I was always on the end of the phone, she replied, "well, you SAY that" 🤔) compared with another alcoholic I know (but have nothing to do with) she is actually very low maintenance in terms of what asks for. She hasn't replied to my message of yesterday and I don't expect she will.

That’s good then. I think that’s the trouble with the “only people who have experienced it can empathise” school of thought. I am projecting, but yours is different. Hope you are feeling better today.

Thinking of everyone who is dealing with the pain of a loved one in a pit of alcohol abuse. i hope you have a peaceful weekend.

i have a question about support groups. I feel I need to find something in real life. I know about Al anon, and Smart, but are there others I should explore? And for those who have been here, are they right for someone who has left their alcoholic. The boats have burned, so I don’t want to have to think about rebuilding that relationship, just work out how to navigate my future?

@Userqrgtyd RL non organisational support groups vary wildly. Your first step would be finding out whether there is one near you - organisations like Mind, Turning Point or your local council may know.

Then if there is one, it's pot luck what you will get. The one I run is absolutely for everyone - people still in the thick of it, people who have left and are working to recover, people like me whose alcoholics are dead but who want to pay it forward. Other groups may work on a different model.

I am a bit, thank you @3dogs2cats. I'm away with family and concentrating on having the best time, especially for my little DD 💗

Back again. Have posted on here before and received kindness.

I think I previously mentioned my mother's 'small overdoses'. She would get drunk, take a small amount of paracetamol (not enough to require stomach-pumping, she's not daft), call 999 and sit waiting with her bag and newspaper. Very much attention-seeking.

A bit different this week. I don't want to go into too much detail (in fact, I am not even clear on the details) but this attempt involved multiple emergency services which she did not call herself. She really could have died. Maybe it's surprising she didn't. We think she must have been extremely drunk to be able to do what she did.

Is this even the right board for this? I don't know any more. I don't know if this is alcoholism or mental health. It's both.

Nothing has really cut through to my heart until now. Before, I would be frustrated, angry, ashamed. Now I am shocked and horrified. The adrenaline has worn off now (we had practical things to deal with the last day or two).

I talk to people now, my MIL and aunt. It's still hard, because no one can help. I think it's hard for people to hear because they can't help.

I have lots of quite visceral images running through my mind. How pathetic the scene must have been. I have requested info from emergency services, simply because everything is so confusing and I want whatever facts I can get.

I have to work today. I worked fine yesterday, despite doing things like retrieving the car at 6am.

I have always closed my heart to it, used black humour, got on with things. I'm just fucking shocked today. My chest feels ripped open.

I am so very sorry, that must have been horrific. It's excellent that you are talking to people in real life though. You can't place a value on the importance of being able to get it all out. The other person doesn't need to be able to help, just being there and listening is what matters.

Getting all the information is good. You can't save your mum, but you can, if you want to, advocate for her with the services involved. She needs involvement with mental health services now. Whether she is willing to engage is another question, and I would advise you not to get in too deep.

If you need more support, feel free to pm me. You deserve all the help you can get.

To add: I think previously, everything was sort of wrapped in such a layer of selfishness and arsehole behaviour.

Now, it's like all of that has fallen away. Like I can finally see that pathetic, sad core of sheer misery. All that is left is a small, frail, weak and broken person.

God, I don't know if this is helping or hurting me more. I think, on balance, I want it all out of my head and into the world (of mumsnet, at least)

Thank you, thank you.

She seems to have unlocked a new level of mental health support and they were very good yesterday.

I will think about what you say re advocating. I find it hard that families are not involved but now they do seem to be speaking with us, rather than solely with her.

Well, I think I will have another cup of sugary tea.

@amlie8 Really feel for you. I once went through something very similar, I was on a train when it all kicked off and had to share mindblowingly personal details with the emergency Services. I was absolutely shattered and in shock for at least a week afterwards. I don’t know it will help you to know, but my relative seemed thrilled and gratified by the response and recovered much quicker than me.

@3dogs2cats thank you for sharing.

I would say yes, previously she enjoyed the response. She liked being on a ward with other women, and she didn't actually suffer any pain or discomfort.

Very different this time. The mental health nurse said she seemed very shocked. She has hypothermia, cuts and bruises, and spent 24 hours in A&E, which was apparently utter carnage.

I was running on adrenaline yesterday. Didn't cry, made jokes, produced some really great work(!) and dealt with various practical things. I'm shocked and shattered today. I will be ok. Thank god I am able to wfh. Have a little cry between meetings etc. Cuddle my cat and know that my partner will be home to take care of me later.

Edit to add I'm just so grateful for people taking the time to reply here. As I said I can talk to people in real life but I can't express myself quite as well as I do here in writing. This has helped.

@amlie8 So glad you have someone looking out for you. Hope this is a salutary lesson for them.💐💐

@amlie8 so sorry to hear your story. I know how hard it is to live with someone who keeps telling you they want to commit suicide. I cannot imagine how it feels when they actually try. I am glad you have your husband to look after you. Equally I understand that the virtual support is also important, so do keep posting. I hope you have a peaceful evening 🌻