Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

[ItsMoo]

He just won't leave @pointythings
We rent and he could move in with his parents for a while but he will not go. He minimises and says he is doing nothing wrong, and if only I would get off his back then things would be better. He's deluded.

My name is on the tenancy so he has no rights. I should just change the locks but if I'm being honest, I'm scared of the repercussions. He cannot be reasoned with.

I keep hoping he will choose to leave on his own but I'm only lying to myself. I suppose I don't have the fight in me right now to deal with this eventhough I know I need to.

[pointythings]

@ItsMoo I'm sorry but I've forgotten - are you married? If you are then the first step is to start divorce proceedings.

[ItsMoo]

@pointythings No, I'm not. I used husband in an attempt to be a bit more anonymous, but it's not like he's going to be lurking on a mumsnet alcohol support thread 😆

We've been together 17 years, 3 children, but not married. I moved into this house when we had a brief separation 6 years ago and I've made sure to just keep my name on the tenancy. Not sure of the legality of it but I needed to ensure I had somewhere of my own.

[solice84]

The problem with rock bottom is that it either gives them a wake up call, or more often in my experience, it causes them to get even worse as they have even less reason to give it up once they've lost everything .
Like when my ex lost his job and driving license
Nothing to stop him after that . No reason not to drink at any given time of day .

[pointythings]

@ItsMoo I'd have a word with your housing association then so that you're clear about what our rights are. And ultimately if you make him leave, you may have to be prepared to involve the police. Honestly, it's worth it to get him out. Your children will notice the immediate drop in tension when he's gone.

[ItsMoo]

It's private rent but thanks for the advice.

The kids haven't even asked where his is or even noticed his absence. That's how disconnected from family life he has become.

[pointythings]

Definitely talk to your landlord then. If his name isn't on the tenancy, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[2020in2020]

I'm starting to think that breaking up is inevitable. There is a lot of stress going on at DH work and family (works for family business) and he has drank every day this week. He thinks i don't know but he is definitely drinking as soon as he finishes work, popping to "the shops" so either going to the pub or drinking in the car, then acting like his beer he has at dinner is his first of the day. Last night he passed out on the sofa again after I had gone to bed, and I woke up because the cat was upstairs in the baby's room (he usually lets cat and dog out before he goes to bed). Really dangerous.

I'll be pretty much destitute if we split. We sold our house to live in a property owned by the in-laws on the premises of the family business. We spent most of the money we made on the house, which wasn't much, on a holiday, home improvements, ASD diagnosis for DD8 and will be spending some on the nursery bills from June-September. I would end up with about 5k of that and I have 7k of debt I am repaying each month.

I'm due back at work after maternity leave in June. I have a fairly decent job but childcare costs are going to be a bugger. Once back at work I'll start squirrelling money away and hope to put enough away for a deposit on a new place, I suppose. It will take a long time though.

I wish so much he could see how much he is destroying everything. I have stuck by him through so much and me and the DC gave up our home, friends, school, hobbies to move here and support him but he is STILL not happy and drinking to "cope with the stress".

[pointythings]

@2020in2020 it's sensible to take as much time as you need until you're prepared for the breakup. At least your eyes are open now. Make sure your contraception is bulletproof and start squirreling away money as soon as you're back in work. You'll get there, however long it takes.

[Vacumwondering]

Can I join? Been reading this whole thread.

Love of my life is an alcoholic. Knew him when I was 17 we spilt and reconciled when we were 35, kids with different people.

Been together 2 years. Last 6 months been hell.

he drinks every day - 8 beers & 2 bottles of wine. Currently not working. At worst, 1.5litres of gin.

we both have our kids 50/50 so half the time we are children free. On those days he drinks all day and night. Sits up all night drinking.

Christmas Day we were children free and he drank for 2 days solid and was verbally and emotionally abusive. Worst days were to come.

last week I called the police and he was arrested for coercive control he was drunk at 10am.

I had him back.

he said he would go to alcohol services and he did but boy have I had to pay for it since. It’s all my fault I got him arrested, I have embarrassed him by making him go to alcohol services’ I am just like his ex’s who wanted to control him’ it’s draining.

he tells me I am the reason he drinks, because he never got over me from when we were young. I fucked him up’ as he would say.

doesn’t accept any responsibility, acts like a victim because I got him arrested, I overreacted.

HELP

[pointythings]

@Vacumwondering is it worth exploring why you keep having this man back? You've only been with him 2 years and he is making your life hell. In what ways would our life without him be worse than it is now?

Read up on the 3Cs: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. If you feel you cannot end it on your own, seek help from Al-Anon, or for a secular alternative SMART Family & Friends who take a CBT-based approach. You need to detach from this man emotionally and permanently for your own sake. You deserve so much better than this.

[Userqrgtyd]

@Vacumwondering please read the advice on this thread, Alcohol is a cruel thing when abused, it takes away the love of your life and leaves you with someone who thinks only about themselves and it not able to take responsibility. That responsibility is not yours. It is hard to walk away, but please do.

[CharlotteByrde]

@Vacumwondering Please leave him, for your kids' sake and your own. This is only going to get worse and why would you put yourself and them though this hell? He is fucking himself up. Not your fault or your responsibility and you CANNOT fix him.

[Userqrgtyd]

It's been a few weeks since I last posted, and I cannot tell you how much more myself I feel and how consious I am now of the build up of stress living with an alcoholic created. The relief of not having to always wonder what I am walking home into, and being anxious about staying out later than planned, indeed being able to make plans with only myself to think about (and the dogs, but they just wag their tails and get on with it). This isn't to say it has been easy. I would still say I am numb, and often shout out at the universe. I have a background anxiety about the misery my husband will now be in, and a deep sense of grief and loss for a life of hope that were dashed. I'm not going to be able to put him away in his box fully until the divorce is done, and any police processes conclude, and that is hard and won't be for some time yet.
My lifeline has been talking with friends - being able to talk it out and get myself back from wistful thinking about the might have been to the reality, and the power of talking to people on chat forums, here and other web sites. I can't tell you how valuable you are in the process. You are there in the small hours, when I feel I have imposed too much on my friends. Thank you and I hope in time when I'm feeling stronger I'll be there for you.

[pointythings]

@Userqrgtyd what a great update! I'm so glad that you're starting to feel the benefits of life without your alcoholic. The peace is amazing, isn't it? Now you can enjoy the unconditional love of your dogs and feel safe in your own home.

The guilt does go. It wears away gradually, give it time, but it does go. And I just know you will be back here to pay it forward.

[2020in2020]

that sounds wonderful @Userqrgtyd

I'm struggling a lot at the moment. DH went to "B & Q" yesterday and came back smelling of booze and passed out on the sofa before the kids were in bed.

I feel really heartbroken and barely got anything done today. I'm trying so hard to keep it all going, I take abuse from DD8 every morning as she's autistic and hates going to school - he does absolutely nothing to help, either mist lies in bed if hungover or just gets up and blithely gets himself ready. He occasionally bathes the baby, might take the older DC to activities (never without fucking moaning about it) and i literally can't have a conversation with him because he's on his fucking phone all the time, or avoiding me because he thinks he's being clever and hiding the fact he's been drinking. I ALWAYS know and it makes me so angry that he is treating me like I'm stupid, and that he nisf expects to be able to do this with no consequences. I remember trying to get him to address his drinking when I was pregnant with DD1 who is now 10. Baby is 8 months, he promised he would sort his shit out. Now it seems even worse.

[Userqrgtyd]

@2020in2020 thank you! I am very newly onto ‘the other side’, now I cannot believe how long I put up with the absolute shit living with an alcoholic was. I lived with hope, and a belief that what he said was true. In a way I am lucky, things happened that meant I called the police and things took on a path I had no say in, other than to know there was no way back. I would not wish this on anyone, but please look after yourself and make the choice that is right for you. I have found the impossible in prospect was absolutely possible in reality.

[pointythings]

@Userqrgtyd I have found the impossible in prospect was absolutely possible in reality.

These are such incredibly wise words.

Leaving a marrige is scary. Fear was a large part of why it took me as long as it did to take steps and leave. What if the kids missed their dad and hated me? What if I left and then he got sober? What if I couldn't cope financially?

In the end the fear of staying got bigger than the fear of leaving, and once he was gone the world was a different place.

@2020in2020 when you are ready to take that leap, you'll do it and you'll be fine. Meanwhile, don't beat yourself up for not being there yet.

[CharlotteByrde]

@2020in2020 it's been ten years, and it's getting worse. You need to think seriously about leaving, for your children's sake and your own. You're wasting all your energy on getting angry with him and I know how infuriating the constant sneakiness is, particularly when it's pathetically obvious they're lying. As he continues to get worse, his presence at the children's activities will become another problem. People will notice he is drunk in their charge. He won't be a safe pair of hands with the baby. He will be nothing but a liability. The prospect of leaving is terrifying but do you really want to face another ten years of this?

[CharlotteByrde]

@Userqrgtyd I struggled with guilt, but tried to bear in mind that he was deeply unhappy while he was with me and deeply unhappy after I'd left. It was the drinking that was causing his misery and my leaving didn't really change anything. He just continued on his downward spiral. Push the guilt away when it grabs you and try and live your best life. He will do what he chooses with his.

[Userqrgtyd]

Thank you @CharlotteByrde I’m looking for all ideas on how to get him out of my head. I have to think of him as dead now. There has to be no scenario by which he can come back into my life. However the reality is for legal and practical reasons he will be there for several months, and I am struggling to know how I’ll be able to get through that.

[CharlotteByrde]

You don’t need to think of him as dead. You just need to keep in mind he is an adult with his own decisions to make. He is not your responsibility and never was. You cannot change his life path. He is the one who can do that if he is strong enough. Wish him well with that in your head and get on with your own life.

[CharlotteByrde]

The emotional detachment will become easier as the months pass. When you have to come face-to-face on occasion you might initially feel a mix of feelings- anger, guilt, revulsion, pity, grief. It’s not going to be comfortable but you are strong and will cope because the alternative, taking him back, would take you right back into the nightmare you were living before.

[OdeToBarney]

Hi all. Nervously posting...for some support?

My friend of over 30 years is an alcoholic. She's just completed 4 weeks in residential rehab, and within 2 weeks has relapsed. Today I don't even know where she is. She won't answer her phone, or messages. I am at the end of my tether, having sacrificed so much to get her the help she desperately needs. I have a wonderful DH and DD of my own, and a stressful job. I also have a DB who is a cocaine addict, and this is bringing back a lot of trauma. I am now vlc with DB for my own sanity, but haven't quite reached the point where I feel I do the same with DF.

I know realistically there is nothing I can do (I am familiar with the didn't cause it, can't change it etc principles) but I am just so sad today. I'm off work (unrelated) and finally my brain has space to think deeply about it all, and I'm just overcome with sadness.

[pointythings]

@OdeToBarney given your experience with your brother, I suspect you know what you need to do. I understand the need to help and the need to feel you have tried everything, but now is the time to pull back and protect yourself. You can't save your DF. Please get some RL support to help you deal with the feelings of guilt and post here if it helps. It's incredibly hard, but all you can do now is walk away and grieve what you have lost.