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Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Alcohol support

Ex DP's drinking

97 replies

FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 12:16

I think I'm just looking to validate my decision to split.

He's always been a big drinker, always put it down to drinking with the rugby lads.

It's got worse though, he was drinking every night. Might only have been a couple of ciders but often it was more.

What really upset me was the drunken flying off the handle and rages.

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 16:04

The thing is, I miss lovely, kind funny ex DP. I don't miss angry at the world, drunken rage ex DP.

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Adm1010 · 16/10/2021 16:30

Did he do anything to address his drinking and subsequent actions when drunk ?

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 16:57

No he didn't. It ended because the neighbours called the police as he was in a drunken rage outside. The police came and removed him.

He says he's stopped drinking and has lost weight but I've hardly seen him so don't know. I was hoping it might be a wake up call for him.

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pointythings · 16/10/2021 16:59

You've done the right thing. Rages and violence? I'd want to see years of sobriety before considering a relationship with this man. Grive, move bullet. I speak as someone who has been there.

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 17:04

He was never violent towards me but he did break a lot of things.

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pointythings · 16/10/2021 17:45

Breaking things is violence. It really, really is. Mine slammed doors and windows to the point where they no longer closed properly. Also violence.

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 18:10

I'd walk into the living room in the morning to find him passed out next to an empty bottle of vodka and broken glasses.

Slammed doors - yes. Shouting - yes. Storming off - yes.

The thing is I miss the nice, cute, funny side of him.

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pointythings · 16/10/2021 18:24

That person is gone. There's no guarantee that he would come back even if he did address his addiction and find sobriety. If you are struggling with grief and guilt, the best thing to do is find support from an organisation like Al-Anon. You will be able to speak to people who have been where you are now and they will help you with the feelings of guilt. I still attend a support group and my late husband has been dead for 3 years. Addiction damages more than just the addict.

Please, please don't ever have him back.

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 18:44

That person is gone.

I know and I'm grieving for him.

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JustWorriedSick · 16/10/2021 18:46

Please be content that you made the right choice. Took me years to do the same and my children are still paying the price.

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 18:49

I do believe I've made the right choice. I still feel sad and lonely though. As well as grieving for the old ex DP.

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AFitOfTheVapours · 16/10/2021 20:29

Can’t agree more with the other posters: kind, cute, funny he might once have been. Violent, angry and drunk he now is. Don’t ever go back. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the anger gets progressively worse too. I can’t tell you how many times I heard the “I’ve quit” spiel. It never lasted more than a couple of weeks. Sadly, that is overwhelmingly the most common outcome. Try to be thankful you made the right decision and don’t look back. Good luck!

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pointythings · 16/10/2021 20:58

You are allowed to grieve. There are times when I still grieve for my late husband, even though he put me and our DDs through hell for 5 years. Addiction changes people beyond recognition and we are allowed to grieve for the person we fell in love with and lost.

I know your loss is still raw and recent, but keep yourself open to the idea of getting some support working through it if it becomes too tough.

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JustWorriedSick · 16/10/2021 21:00

@FanGirlX

I do believe I've made the right choice. I still feel sad and lonely though. As well as grieving for the old ex DP.

Understandable and its ok to grieve.

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 21:42

Feeling a bit better. My friend checks in with me on a Saturday night. We worked together 20 years ago and used to walk home from work together. I haven't seen him for about 15 years as he moved abroad. He messages me at 8 ish on a Saturday in case I'm feeling lonely and we chat for a bit. There are some lovely people in the world.

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Queenie6655 · 16/10/2021 21:44

@FanGirlX

I'd walk into the living room in the morning to find him passed out next to an empty bottle of vodka and broken glasses.

Slammed doors - yes. Shouting - yes. Storming off - yes.

The thing is I miss the nice, cute, funny side of him.

Terrifying

Just awful

Please stay well away xxxx

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pointythings · 16/10/2021 21:48

There are some lovely people in the world.

There are indeed. Reach out to them. Keep posting here, there are a lot of people who have been where you are now.

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AFitOfTheVapours · 16/10/2021 22:01

Oh yes! Lots of lovely people in the world and definitely lean in to them right now. It’s tough letting go of what you thought life was going to be like with someone and accepting what the reality of it is. Alcoholism is such a senseless problem in so many ways and living with it really does bend your mind to the extent that it takes a long time to pull it straight again. There are too many of us on here that understand these feelings all to well.

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JustWorriedSick · 16/10/2021 22:26

I've realised recently that my life with an alcoholic was pure chaos. I never knew what was going to create drama between us, or what I'd be treading on eggshells about from one day to the next. It sounds ridiculous as we've been apart a number of years but it has taken me that long to be able to look back objectively. I'm still very much on the rollercoaster though. Waiting to see how he ends up in hospital next or what abuse he tries to hurl at our kids.
Honestly, until an alcohol abuser gets proper help they won't even consider your feelings, you're just collateral damage.

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pointythings · 16/10/2021 22:34

JustWorriedSick you too should get some support. It will help you set boundaries in how you interact with him and it will give you coping mechanisms you can use to protect your DC. You haven't detached from him - that is the first thing you need to learn.

It's hard, but it makes your life infinitely better.

Are your children of an age to decide how much or how little contact they want with him?

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 22:36

@JustWorriedSick 💐

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FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 22:37

My ex DP used to always say "I'll be dead by 60" whenever I brought up anything about retirement planning.

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JustWorriedSick · 16/10/2021 22:46

@pointythings

JustWorriedSick you too should get some support. It will help you set boundaries in how you interact with him and it will give you coping mechanisms you can use to protect your DC. You haven't detached from him - that is the first thing you need to learn.

It's hard, but it makes your life infinitely better.

Are your children of an age to decide how much or how little contact they want with him?

Thank you

There's no contact any more due to his behaviour (I went to family court). I do feel I have finally detached, with the help of a counsellor.
My children have finally had enough now. When I mention a rollercoaster, I mean basically wondering when he'll go too far and we'll hear he's died. We thought it was happening recently but he recovered. Despite my children having had enough of his behaviour they would still be very upset if he died.

Sorry to derail.

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fedup078 · 17/10/2021 07:39

I doubt he's stopped
Even without the violence the drinking in itself is bad enough. My ex didn't get violent and was rarely nasty but to carry on doing something you know pisses your partner off and refuse to get help for it is a good enough reason to end it

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FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 08:49

He used to drink in secret as well. Vodka in his water bottle and secret stash of cider in the spare room that he'd go up to drink.

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