Ex DP's drinking

[FanGirlX]

I think I'm just looking to validate my decision to split.

He's always been a big drinker, always put it down to drinking with the rugby lads.

It's got worse though, he was drinking every night. Might only have been a couple of ciders but often it was more.

What really upset me was the drunken flying off the handle and rages.

[FanGirlX]

Thank you @pointythings, you too.

[pointythings]

Keeping polite is the sensible thing to do - and behind that facade you are allowed to feel any way you want about him.

I hope the move goes well and that you will feel free and happy in your new place. I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

[FanGirlX]

Well the big move is tomorrow. Looking forward to a change of scenery and some adult company in the evening.

I've tried to keep things civil with ex DP, for DD's sake but I keep catching him out in lies, he's being rude and arrogant too. I've lost respect for him but I'll continue to be polite.

[pointythings]

I think you have really good insight into what you need to do to keep yourself well and strong for the future, and you clearly have good boundaries. That's most of the battle right there.

If and when you drink alcohol is entirely up to you. If you feel you were using it to deal with stress after a week at work, good on you for stopping that. Doesn't mean you can't have it at all.

[Downton57]

From my own experience. Stop listening to anything he says. Everything coming out his mouth is coloured by his need to justify or deny he has a problem. He will blame everyone else, especially you. Also, stop trying to protect him from the consequences of his drinking. If he hurts himself or makes himself ill, it's his choice and hitting that bottom might be his wake-up call. Or it might not, but there's nothing you can or should do about that. Your focus should be entirely on keeping yourself and your child safe and happy, so don't set up parties he is going to fail to turn up at. Expect nothing from him and don't wait in hope for closure or repentance. One day you will look back and wonder why you stayed so long.

[FanGirlX]

@pointythings

There's a huge difference between drinking a shade above recommended limits (but otherwise having alcohol free days and being able to stop/take it or leave it) and drinking 80+ units a week. The thing about drinking is how individual it is - if you drink to deal with emotions, that's generally not great. If you have a drink because you enjoy it, that's different. Only you can know where you stand. Cutting down is never a bad thing - you'll sleep better, for a start.

For my late husband, 80 units a week was his normal too - but given what I found in his hidden places, he was having at least double that.

Your instincts around his need to safeguard his addiction are spot on. As long as you always have that knowledge in mind, you will make good decisions and maintain good boundaries. You've come a very long way in a very short time.

I think I do (did) drink wine to turn off after work on a Friday and occasionally let loose with friends. I am a bit cautious because I was using it to deal with work stress. That said I didn't drink at all in the week. I'm being pretty healthy now, as I have to be there for DD. So I've cut right back (to be fair, this is easier because I'm not watching someone drink in front of me, therefore it doesn't occur to me to drink), I'm also eating healthily, keeping up with my exercise and taking vitamins. I think I need to be physically and mentally strong to deal with what I suspect is coming.

[pointythings]

There's a huge difference between drinking a shade above recommended limits (but otherwise having alcohol free days and being able to stop/take it or leave it) and drinking 80+ units a week. The thing about drinking is how individual it is - if you drink to deal with emotions, that's generally not great. If you have a drink because you enjoy it, that's different. Only you can know where you stand. Cutting down is never a bad thing - you'll sleep better, for a start.

For my late husband, 80 units a week was his normal too - but given what I found in his hidden places, he was having at least double that.

Your instincts around his need to safeguard his addiction are spot on. As long as you always have that knowledge in mind, you will make good decisions and maintain good boundaries. You've come a very long way in a very short time.

[FanGirlX]

@pointythings

My late husband always, always, always denied that he was drinking. After he moved out, I used to support him by taking him shopping on base (he was ex USAF and didn't drive). He denied drinking even on the day I saw the empty cider tins on the counter. It's what they do. I don't even think it's gaslighting, I think it's the addiction talking.

You need to block him, and only unblock at times when you are communicating about your DD. I would also not worry about access for him - he is in no state to be a dad to her right now.

My late husband stopped talking to me when he read the divorce papers - he was very angry because they made it clear that his alcohol abuse was the main reason for the divorce, and signing them would mean admitting there was a problem. He did sign in the end, but for the last 6 months of his life we had virtually no contact.

He's barely seen DD. He was supposed to come to ours today for an indoor picnic (M&S party food that DD and I ended up having for dinner) but that's the first time he was going to see her. Other than when he saw her at his Mum's.

I said above that I was drinking a bit too much and it had crept up to a bit above the NHS recommended amount - I've made an active decision to cut right down. I've estimated that he is on about 80 units a week, that I know of. From what other posters have said, it's likely that he's on much more. He's now trying to say I've got a drink problem but I think he's deflecting, because I've never not shown up where I'm supposed to be because of drinking. If I've let loose, on occasion, and had a bit too much to drink, I've always done it when DD is in the care of Grandma / sister (which isn't that often). I don't think my drinking is abnormal though, as I drink responsibly and is in line with my friends. This feels like gaslighting too but maybe I need to learn more about addiction.

I already understand that he lies, that he will do anything to protect his ability to drink. That he is in denial. I also understand that he becomes grandiose and self righteous when drunk - I understand this is also common.

[pointythings]

My late husband always, always, always denied that he was drinking. After he moved out, I used to support him by taking him shopping on base (he was ex USAF and didn't drive). He denied drinking even on the day I saw the empty cider tins on the counter. It's what they do. I don't even think it's gaslighting, I think it's the addiction talking.

You need to block him, and only unblock at times when you are communicating about your DD. I would also not worry about access for him - he is in no state to be a dad to her right now.

My late husband stopped talking to me when he read the divorce papers - he was very angry because they made it clear that his alcohol abuse was the main reason for the divorce, and signing them would mean admitting there was a problem. He did sign in the end, but for the last 6 months of his life we had virtually no contact.

[FanGirlX]

@pointythings

Did your ex deny he was drinking? My ex phoned me on Saturday to say how busy he has been since we split up, according to him, he's been out doing normal things like football etc. He says he's only drunk twice but I know he's been hammered at least 3 times in the last week. He also sent me a photo of a gash in his head, he fell when he was drunk. He has no recollection of falling, or of sending me the photo. Is this a kind of gaslighting?

[pointythings]

[quote FanGirlX]@pointythings

I haven't been round. DD thinks he is ill. I'm sitting here worrying. [/quote]
It's hard. Believe me, I know how it feels. I felt like it for the entire 8 months after I made my late husband move out. Every time he didn't answer a phone call or a text, I worried whether he was lying dead in his flat.

But chasing him would not have helped him and would not have gained me anything except temporary relief until the next time.

Stick with your meetings, post on here, let him live his life consequences and all.

You're in my thoughts.

[FanGirlX]

Ok I'm going to distract myself with some chores. Thanks again all.

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Stay strong OP. You’ve done the right thing by not going. It can feel a bit counterintuitive but you have to protect your own well-being and that means detaching from his chaos.

[FanGirlX]

@pointythings

I haven't been round. DD thinks he is ill. I'm sitting here worrying.

[FanGirlX]

@pointythings

Hard as it is, I hope you didn't go round. Missing seeing his DD because he drank is his consequence. If you are genuinely concerned for his welfare, you should contact the police for a welfare check.

I am concerned for his welfare. I worry that he will fall or choke when he is blind drunk. I don't know if anyone else knows what state he was in yesterday, so I feel like I'm responsible for checking on him.

[pointythings]

Hard as it is, I hope you didn't go round. Missing seeing his DD because he drank is his consequence. If you are genuinely concerned for his welfare, you should contact the police for a welfare check.

[invisibleoldwoman]

Please do not go round and check on him. He is not your responsibility and you will not do any good. Tough love is the only way for you. Remember the mantra 'You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it'

If you think his in danger then phone the emergency services.

Please phone the Al-Anon helpline and talk to them.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

[FanGirlX]

@fedup078

His mum lives a couple of hours away and doesn't drive. It was better when he was living in his friends spare room (because there was someone to keep an eye on him) but now he is in his own place.

I'm trying to think of friends that I could ask without telling them too much.

[fedup078]

@FanGirlX is there someone else you can ask to go check on him ?

[FanGirlX]

EX DP drank a litre of vodka last night. I spoke to him at 11 and he was slurry, incoherent, talking nonsense. He hasn't shown up to see DD today and I can't get hold of him. Phone is just ringing out. Should I go round and check on him. He was supposed to come and see DD at 2 today.

[FanGirlX]

@Userqrgtyd

Here's the link:

smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings/

[FanGirlX]

[quote Userqrgtyd]@pointythings Thank you for the reading recommendations. My husband is about to come out of rehab, and I want to ensure I keep strong through the next few months/years. I went to a couple of Al-anon meetings, but am not sure it is right for me, But I know I need a support network that is somehow more anonymous than my friends and family (they have been fabulous but I don’t want my relationship with them to be about my husbands’s drinking). Does anyone have suggestions of where to look.[/quote]
I'm preferring SMART to AA. They have zoom meetings.

[invisibleoldwoman]

@FanGirlX

Thanks again. Can anyone recommend some "quit lit" for the families of alcoholics?

Al-Anon have a large range of literature. I recommend Hope for Today and Courage to Change to start. Short daily readings.

[pointythings]

User there are local groups which are not Al-Anon, but they're often tricky to find. A first step would be to contact your local branch of MIND or Turning Point and just ask. I know that my group is also listed with our local CAB. Once you get away from big organisations it all becomes a bit piecemeal. I found my group because back then it was run by the rehab my husband was going to. You didn't have to have someone in the rehab and you could keep coming as long as you needed and wanted. When the rehab closed down, we decided to continue the group and it's stronger now than it was back then.

You're quite right to seek support outside of your family and friends - that's another boundary you can put in to keep your life your own.

When your other half comes out of rehab is often the hardest time. I wish you strength and I hope he succeeds in staying sober.

[Userqrgtyd]

@pointythings Thank you for the reading recommendations. My husband is about to come out of rehab, and I want to ensure I keep strong through the next few months/years. I went to a couple of Al-anon meetings, but am not sure it is right for me, But I know I need a support network that is somehow more anonymous than my friends and family (they have been fabulous but I don’t want my relationship with them to be about my husbands’s drinking). Does anyone have suggestions of where to look.