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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Ex DP's drinking

97 replies

FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 12:16

I think I'm just looking to validate my decision to split.

He's always been a big drinker, always put it down to drinking with the rugby lads.

It's got worse though, he was drinking every night. Might only have been a couple of ciders but often it was more.

What really upset me was the drunken flying off the handle and rages.

OP posts:
pointythings · 17/10/2021 11:04

I have very little doubt that he is still secretly drinking. Alcoholics have their habits and they're predictable - and lying and secret drinking are among them. When my late husband left our house and we started cleaning up, we found bottles in the weirdest places.

Original poster
FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 11:25

He slept a lot as well. If we were sharing the driving then he'd fall asleep as soon as it was my turn to drive.

I didn't know if he was hungover or if it was a symptom of depression (I think he may have undiagnosed depression) or if he just slept a lot.

OP posts:
pointythings · 17/10/2021 12:01

My late husband also had depression. The thing is that alcohol is a depressant. So self-medicating depression with alcohol actually makes things worse, but because it temporarily makes them feel better, they think it's helping.

Hard to say where the sleep thing is coming from - if he was secret drinking, he may also have been still impaired by alcohol.

AFitOfTheVapours · 17/10/2021 12:15

My ex was a very secretive drinker too. I came to realise that the declarations of sobriety are often some kind of effort at moderating, maybe even quitting for a short time. The trouble is, they delude themselves that they can secretly continue/start again and no one will notice. That delusion is so very deep seated. I absolutely take my hat off to anyone who has managed to conquer that but, unfortunately, they are very few and far between. The likelihood is that your ex is still drinking. As pp have said, do try to get some help for yourself in detaching. It’s not easy but you have to protect your sanity.

Original poster
FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 14:12

He seemed to have a lot of ailments too. We went on a city break before we split and went into a museum. He said it was really dusty and triggered his asthma, so refused to go into any of the other castles / museums.

We used to go walking and without fail, he would go over on his ankle. Then would spend the next day having a few drinks because he couldn't walk.

Excuses to drink rather than do something interesting? Attention seeking? I don't know.

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pointythings · 17/10/2021 15:46

Mine used to not come with uy s on family days out so that he could stay home and drink. He'd have a bad back or a cold, or something along those lines. We got used to it just being the three of us. When they're that bad, they cannot go a whole day out without needing to 'top up'. So they don't go, because they don't want the world to know how addicted they are.

When mine did come with us (rarely) he always had to have a beer at lunch.

Original poster
FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 17:14

I think perhaps I need to contact Al Anon. I'm having issues not blaming myself. The alcoholism is packaged with other things such as silent treatment and other nasty behaviour. We split up 6 weeks ago and I'm still feeling very anxious.

Plus I think I enabled him to some extent. I also drink a bit too much (not to his level though). I think I stuck with him because he made me look better. I'm doing dry October but before that I was on 20 odd units a week (over the weekend) but I didn't drink in the week. He's on 80 plus a week.

OP posts:
pointythings · 17/10/2021 17:28

Definitely get some support. Here are some links for you to try:

adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/search-for-local-support

adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/useful-organisations

And if you want to pm me and talk, you can.

AFitOfTheVapours · 17/10/2021 18:27

Gosh, 6 weeks is so recent. Be kind to yourself and definitely consider help. I saw a counsellor who specialised in addiction after my split and it helped so much to talk with someone who just got it. You definitely don’t want to continue blaming yourself. This was all totally out of your control. There are so many of us on here who lived with similar situations and we definitely can’t all be to blame! Counsellors, adfam, Alanon would all def be able to help you with those sorts of thoughts.

Re the ailments, missing days out and excuses to run out on errands - I get it! My ex used to disappear on 5 min (unnecessary) errands all the time and arrive back an hour or two later staggering drunk.
Honestly, I don’t think my dc feel it’s been much different without him here because it was really only us before anyway. He was emotionally absent and often physically absent too.
Stay strong.Flowers

Original poster
FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 19:03

I haven't seen him since the police came and removed him. He messaged me to ask me to leave his things outside in the shed, which I did and he came to pick them up but I didn't see him.

Even though I know there were so many issues and we should have split up, it all feels so sudden and nasty. Like I never got any closure. We didn't even have a discussion and agree to go our separate ways.

OP posts:
AFitOfTheVapours · 17/10/2021 19:28

The trouble is, you can’t really ever be in a real relationship with an alcoholic because their primary commitment is to alcohol. You are a major threat to them being able to continue with that unhampered. Hence the anger and denial when you confront the issue. I know it may not feel 100% like it YET, but I do think you have done the right thing. Nobody needs a drunk, angry partner in their lives and you deserve far better.

pointythings · 17/10/2021 19:37

FanGirlX I know how you feel. I've been through the exact same thing. I had to call the police on my husband because he got very drunk (despite having committed to not drinking at home) and threatened to kill me. It was horrendously frightening. I refused to have him back in the home, packed a suitcase for him and sent him off to a local hotel. He was working on a rental by that point, but hadn't pushed it - I gave him no choice. The police were great, I was ready to get an occupation order but in the end didn't need to.

Events like this are an awful shock to the system. 6 weeks is no time at all in terms of your recovery. You can't really get closure, because your alcoholic won't admit there's a problem. Please do seek help because you deserve support in processing these awful event.

Original poster
FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 21:09

I think I feel traumatised by the police visiting too. I'm not the kind of person who has contact with the police.

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AFitOfTheVapours · 17/10/2021 22:17

I’m not surprised you feel traumatised. I’m 2 years down the line after my split and still trying to process it all. I will make it a full house with you and @pointythings (and many others too, I’m sure) with having to have the police involved. It seems we are all in/have been in depressingly similar situations. I know what you mean about involving the police being a shock. It was my first involvement with them too but they have been fantastic. I totally recommend a counsellor if you can find a good one- it’s so helpful to talk this stuff through. I spent a lot of time in there shedding the tears and tension I had been holding in for so long.

Original poster
FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 22:37

Thank you both. I just seem to have a knot of anxiety in my stomach all the time. We are moving back in with my mum for a couple of months while I look for somewhere to buy.

I'm struggling to quieten my brain - feel like my emotions are very scattered. I veer from missing him (the nice sober version of him) to being glad he's gone to worrying about the future.

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/10/2021 07:17

Talking to someone about it is really key. I would recommend self referring for counselling if that's possible in your area as well as seeking out an alcohol support group. You don't have to do this alone.

fedup078 · 18/10/2021 07:38

We're all here for you op
It's very hard to wrap your brain around it
My problem is that I have to constantly go over past events to cement the fact I did the right thing and made myself a single parent
It feels like it was so avoidable but really it wasn't as he wasn't going to change and couldn't see how much of a problem it was so would never contemplate getting help
It's nice knowing I'm not going to wake up / come home to some drunk in my house ever again though

Original poster
FanGirlX · 18/10/2021 17:16

I haven't even got to that stage yet. He's blocked me on everything so we can't even talk things through.

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/10/2021 17:32

FanGirlX right now talking to him is not what you need to do. Self care has to come first. Focus on counselling and focus on finding a specialist support group so that you can work on your feelings of guilt and on your boundaries. You need to take distance from him right now. There's also the fact that he is unable to support you - he's alcohol dependent and even if he is not drinking right now and is really doing all the hard work to address why he drinks (and this takes specialist support from AA or SMART Recovery, not toughing it out alone!), he's so early on in his journey that he has no capacity to help you. Leave him blocked, distance is your friend right now.

And I do realise all this is incredibly hard to hear.

Original poster
FanGirlX · 18/10/2021 18:08

I was cheated on years ago and found that easier to accept than this. Ex DP has chosen vodka over me and it seems so senseless.

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/10/2021 18:42

It is cheating though, in a sense. When someone puts someone, or something above their relationship with their loved ones, it is a betrayal of the highest order. Everyone who has lived with a partner who has an addiction knows that.

And in one sense it isn't a choice, it's a disease - but that doesn't absolve a person from responsibility. There's a wonderful woman on these boards who used to go by @LobsterQuadrille who is an alcoholic in long term recovery who puts it so well: Picking up the first drink is a choice. After that, the illness takes over.

But no-one is forcing your partner to make that choice - he could choose to seek out support, deal with the causes of his drinking, do all the hard work to rebuild himself and his life. He just isn't ready to do that. Some people never are - my late husband was one of those.

But I repeat (and I realise I am being incredibly boring): you deserve help to find the acceptance that you need.

Your pain is in every word you write and my heart hurts for you. But only you can heal yourself.

AFitOfTheVapours · 18/10/2021 18:57

Absolutely agree with the other posts. The last thing you need at the moment (even if it feels like it) is to go over things with your ex. He is an alcoholic and his primary aim is to protect his ability to drink. That means that any conversation would likely leave you more confused, wondering whether you have overstated the depth of the problem (you haven’t- it’s likely worse than you realise and certainly worse than he’ll ever admit). Absolutely get yourself some help with this. It flaws even the most together people and you need to talk this out.

Original poster
FanGirlX · 18/10/2021 19:30

The sad thing is, he was absolutely traumatised by his ex. I think that's what causes him to drink to self medicate. I couldn't help him.

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/10/2021 19:52

It is sad. It was also sad that my late husband was so damaged by the sudden death of his mother that he self medicated with alcohol.

But your ExP can address his trauma with counselling and therapy - he doesn't have to do it with alcohol. Just as my late husband could have done the same with his bereavement - but he never took it seriously.

Recognising that you can't help him is your first step on the road to your own recovery.

AFitOfTheVapours · 18/10/2021 20:05

Horribly sad and so hard to get your head around. However, do remember that this might (or might not) have been an original trigger for his drinking, but he now drinks because he is an alcoholic and is therefore addicted. The two things are now quite separate.