Ex DP's drinking

[FanGirlX]

I think I'm just looking to validate my decision to split.

He's always been a big drinker, always put it down to drinking with the rugby lads.

It's got worse though, he was drinking every night. Might only have been a couple of ciders but often it was more.

What really upset me was the drunken flying off the handle and rages.

Thank you all. I just phoned the Al Anon helpline. I'm going to log into a zoom meeting.

That's another huge step. Crossing that threshold to reaching out for help is a massive thing. Very well done.

I think it will do us good to stay with my Mum for a bit too (DD and I).

I've also seen a house that I'd like to view.

A bit of stability after all this will be good.

Seeking out a fresh start, stability and looking after yourself and your DD are all great things to do and signs that you are ready to move forwards with your life. You're going to make it. It'll be hard, but you and your DD will be just fine. Most of us are when we leave our addicts.

Great news you have taken that step. I’m sure it’ll be very emotional but really hope it helps you.

I've just been filing some photos. Ex DP's weight gain, over the last 2 years, is huge. He's tall and well built but I think he must have put on 25 ish kgs. Given his diet is similar to mine (take lunches into work etc), this must be from secret drinking or secret eating. I suspect the former. That's about a kilo per month of booze bloat. His drinking did seem to increase about this time 2 years ago.

Well I'm feeling down again.

Nasty texts from Ex DP today. He unblocked me just to send them.

I'll regret it for the rest of my life, he says. In fact he hopes I do. He's the best boyfriend I ever had, he says.

@FanGirlX block him

Sorry to hear that @FanGirlX. Anger and resentment are a big issue for many alcoholics but it’s hard to be on the receiving end. I try to use those moments to remind myself that he’s prob drunk when sending and therefore we’re well rid. If he’s not drinking, anger and resentment are one of the biggest predictors of relapse. Again, it means you’re well rid. Stay strong and whatever you do, don’t reply.

Thank you both.

He's going on holiday on Friday, he's dropping hints that he's going with someone.

It's hard being here by myself. I feel terribly lonely. Might move in with my Mum sooner than when the lease expires here (5 weeks). Just for some adult companionship.

@FanGirlX
The best revenged as well as the best way to get over him is to block him and crack on with life

@AFitOfTheVapours

Sorry to hear that *@FanGirlX*. Anger and resentment are a big issue for many alcoholics but it’s hard to be on the receiving end. I try to use those moments to remind myself that he’s prob drunk when sending and therefore we’re well rid. If he’s not drinking, anger and resentment are one of the biggest predictors of relapse. Again, it means you’re well rid. Stay strong and whatever you do, don’t reply.

Agree with this. Best to ignore. I also notice a pattern of some overly nice messages, then a few days pass and I'll get more and more nasty or aggressive ones and then he'll give up altogether for a while (we've been split up for over ten years) so now I just ignore any messages unless they directly mention the DC.

He just phoned me. Sounded drunk.

It least hearing him has strengthened my resolve. He hasn't changed.

All of this is the sadly predictable behaviour of an addict coming face to face with the consequences of his choices. He doesn't like them, so he lashes out and you are the target.

Please now fully block him and do not open yourself up to any communications from him again. He brings nothing positive to your life. Let him go.

I'm glad your response is a strengthening of resolve. It's very hard to cut off someone you once loved - I felt intense guilt over blocking my late husband. Weirdly, my DDs felt much less guilty - I learned from them how to handle it.

You are doing all the right things.

Thanks again. Can anyone recommend some "quit lit" for the families of alcoholics?

Did some Googling for you:

list here

some duplicates with the list above, also some different ones

I'm going to a face to face meeting of my support group on Thursday so will ask for some more recommendations for you.

Thank you @pointythings

I'm going to online al Anon tomorrow too. Maybe I could speak this week and ask too.

How long do you go to al Anon for?

Well, my group isn't Al-Anon but I have been going for 4 years. Had a hiatus but then started dreaming about him and not in a good way so went back. No dreams since. Processing takes as long as it takes. The good thing is that you end up equipped to support others and that's powerful.

I asked at Al Anon and they recommended their own literature. I'm not sure about the submitting to being powerless bit. I will keep going because the people are kind.

I came across SMART recovery which maybe more my cup of tea. They are ion different nights, so I can do both for a while. It's great that they are on zoom too, as I don't need a babysitter.

It doesn't make me feel happy that so many others go through this but I feel better that it's not just me.

You definitely need to read more widely than Al-Anon material, and part of the reason why my group are not Al-Anon affiliated is that they are all about themselves.

I didn't get a chance to ask about quit lit yesterday because we had some new people with very acute situations who needed to talk and be heard, but I will ask in our WhatsApp group - it's all the same people and we keep in touch during the week or reach out when we need a friendly voice. Our facilitators both know a lot about reading material and will be able to help.

@pointythings Thank you for the reading recommendations. My husband is about to come out of rehab, and I want to ensure I keep strong through the next few months/years. I went to a couple of Al-anon meetings, but am not sure it is right for me, But I know I need a support network that is somehow more anonymous than my friends and family (they have been fabulous but I don’t want my relationship with them to be about my husbands’s drinking). Does anyone have suggestions of where to look.

User there are local groups which are not Al-Anon, but they're often tricky to find. A first step would be to contact your local branch of MIND or Turning Point and just ask. I know that my group is also listed with our local CAB. Once you get away from big organisations it all becomes a bit piecemeal. I found my group because back then it was run by the rehab my husband was going to. You didn't have to have someone in the rehab and you could keep coming as long as you needed and wanted. When the rehab closed down, we decided to continue the group and it's stronger now than it was back then.

You're quite right to seek support outside of your family and friends - that's another boundary you can put in to keep your life your own.

When your other half comes out of rehab is often the hardest time. I wish you strength and I hope he succeeds in staying sober.

@FanGirlX

Thanks again. Can anyone recommend some "quit lit" for the families of alcoholics?

Al-Anon have a large range of literature. I recommend Hope for Today and Courage to Change to start. Short daily readings.