The Freedom Thread - Enjoying the positives of an alcohol free life

[Breathmiller]

Hello all

A shiny new thread for those that would like to give up alcohol forever and a shiny new OP. (twirls)

The wonderful Drybird started these thread a loooong time ago and I'm sure many of you will agree that it has made such a massive difference to the lives of those who have read them or posted on them. Drybird would like to take a little break from hosting the threads so asked me if I would start one this time. The suggestion was that we can take it in turns after that which I think is a great idea .

Anyone is welcome to join and post but please be aware that this thread is for those of us who want to give up alcohol completely. It doesn't matter if you are on day 1, week 6 or year 5 (and it doesn't matter how many day 1s you have), there just has to be an intention to let go of alcohol altogether. So please no talk of moderating or drinking at the present moment or in the future, it can be triggering for some of us. There are many other wonderful threads for those who would prefer to moderate and we wish you well. If you decide that total abstinence is for you then come back.

It doesn't matter what your reason is, if you feel like it's an issue then you are welcome. It really is a friendly bunch. I also want to say hello to all the lurkers who don't want to post for one reason or another and say I hope that these threads give you support too.

There are many threads before this so if you are new, do look back, there is always at least a link to the last one at the beginning of each. Every thread is rich with advice and support. I personally have felt held in so many ways by each and everyone who has posted and I don't feel I would be here at 1yr2 months sober without it. Post daily, hourly even if it helps or just dip in now and again when you feel the need. It's not always the easist thing to do but it is worth it and it is easier with a group as supportive as this. We are each other's cheerleaders and underatns where we are coming from when the times are tough.

Here is the link to the last one....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4324737-Freedom-An-alcohol-free-thread-for-alcohol-free-people

These threads have been a lifesaver for so many of us with ideas from AF alternatives, Quit Lit suggestions to why our brains are wired the way they are and what tools we can learn to help us break free from the fog of alcohol. But most of all it's a lovely safe space where we can talk, vent, moan, ask questions, give advice and support each other. As we get to know each other there is also a lot of daily chat about what's going on in our lives - running, books, gardening, yoga and family. It really is a warm, welcoming and friendly space so do join in.

The suggestion to get this thread going is for everyone to have a think of what they gain from not drinking, what are the positives? Or if you are on day 1 then what is the thing you are most looking forward to? Let's let go of the idea that we are denying ourselves something or that we are living less than and list what we are gaining instead.

My main positive (in amongst all the fresh skin, clear head, lack of hangovers, lack of shame better health - physically and mentally, I could go on and on........) is the fact that I don't have the eternal converation in my head going round of whether to have a drink that day or not. I am (mostly) free from that and it is amazing!

So whether you are a regular or a newbie, do say hello and introduce yourself.

@Adm1010. It’s great being able to drive at any hour. Good on you!

@behindhereyes with regards to drinking and sex, this is something I’ve thought about quite a bit. Although I did used to like tipsy sex, anything more than a few glasses would actually reduce the quality of sex for me. Alcohol sort of numbed me and also sometimes made me feel quite sleepy or zoned out! So I definitely, definitely prefer sober sex, but I should say I’m quite a sexual person anyway😅 I don’t really have any hang ups about sex so maybe that helps too.

In yo case the first thing to say I think is that you should never have sex when you don’t feel like it (apologies if that doesn’t apply). That will only put you off sex and make you feel resentful about the whole thing. It’s also worth exploring your feelings towards your husband a bit more. How long have you felt this way? Did things used to be different between you (it’s easier to get “it” back if it was great before!)? Have things become a bit strained because of the issues with your daughter’s health? (This would be completely understandable, and many couples go through stages of reduced intimacy due to stress) If you genuinely don’t fancy him anymore then it’s difficult to see how you can get the spark back, but if you think you could fancy him again then it’s worth talking to him about it honestly.

Be kind to yourself, you’ve had so much on your plate. Sex is just one element of a relationship and for some it’s more important than for others.

Just realised I didn’t really give any advice as such (other than not to have sex unless you want to!) but maybe some of these questions will help you explore the underlying issues.

Checking in 🙌

Almost brought wine yesterday, I had completed my first module and worked very hard but managed to remind myself that it wasn't a treat or a gift, it was the opposite. The 'gift" of a hangover ....no thanks!

Well done @ChampooPapi!!! There are so many better treats than booze! And well done on completing your first module🤩

Just a quick check in to say that I have just been to OOH at the hospital as covid has triggered my asthma.

The downside is that I'm on steroids and antibiotics. And my isolation has been extended. 😭

The good thing is that I was asked if I smoked, drank or took drugs. It was sooooo good to say No to all. I then had Adam Ant in my head throughout the appointment. Which made me laugh.

Oh no @Breathmiller that sounds awful! Hope the drugs kick in and you feel better soon!

Thank you for your lovely response @BunniesBunniesBunnies , it was really nice to get into bed and see 💜 day 84 now here, starting not to count them now. This is seriously looking like my new normal. I never want to go back to wasting my life again

@Breathmiller you've done so much by us with this thread, rest hard and look after yourself. And I hope your being looked after too! Your certainly deserve it , sounds like you've been really poorly 🌻

Get better soon @Breathmiller

@StoppedWineIng ew poonami I remember those. It all seems like a distant memory and feeding every two hours? That’s tough to deal with. Hope you’ve got some rest today.

@Adm1010 I’ve just done my sober jig . Glad your son is ok but I know what you mean about being able to drive if needed.

@iamyourequal sorry you’re feeling in a lonely place. My situation is definitely not helped by me and I don’t quite know what to do about it.

@Breathmiller I hope you are feeling a little better and good that you have received some medical support, it sounds really nasty. Make sure you rest and take lots of fluids. Glad Adam Ant was with you though

@ChampooPapi fantastic 84 days. Glad it’s going well for you and it’s inspiring to read that you’re still happy being AF and it’s now your new normal.

I’m exhausted so going to sleep now. See you all in morning

Checking in, this week has just been a blur. Mainly with cat being ill, coming home, going back to vet, trying to get him to eat and drink. The whole family has had a horrible cough with little sleep, the washing machine broke… just one of those ‘what could possibly go wrong next’ weeks! Previously on a week like this I would have found refuge in the wine bottle. I am so pleased that after the first night when my cat was so very poorly and I desperately wanted a drink, I haven’t felt that urge again. I’ve gone happily to one of my AF options in the fridge after the kids have settled and not felt anything other than neutrality around it.

I’m day 47 and just loving the fact that I’m thinking about wine and drinking less, it’s taking up less space in my head. So liberating!

@Nosilayak sorry I haven’t replied to you for days! What a nightmare few years, to have all the difficulties stress and worry of your husband being so unwell and then to lose your home too. Good to hear he has the intervention team supporting him and most importantly the medication. My husband had similar. We had a few years of going between psychosis and depression linked to it. It was pretty relentless but he got through it in the end. He found counselling and CBT helpful, he says he knows the signs of getting ill, the thoughts that come and now and actively works to avoid it. I still worry when I see the signs but he has been psychosis free for 6 years now. I hope your husband can find a way back to his old self. It’s difficult seeing the one you love go through this, they change so much, and suffer so much with it, but I could always see my husband somewhere behind all the changed behaviour.

I feel very much the same regarding the alcohol savings going in vet bills! Far better to spend it on these lovely faithful creatures that give back so much in comparison to something that gives back nothing and takes so much. I hope you have a good amount of time with your lovely dog. And brilliant news on your test results, a big relief and something to make your resolution stronger!

@behindhereyes I’m glad to hear your daughter is not having to go through chemo or radiation. But the other news must be a big worry and hard to bear. Maybe it’s best to just celebrate the positives now, there will be time to digest it all in your own time later down the line. Drinking would definitely make it worse, keep your head crystal clear. You are being a fab mum supporting your daughter in the best way possible.

@ChampooPapi well done on completing your first module, and for not treating yourself with booze. Maybe you could treat yourself with an alternative each time you complete a module, a takeaway or something?!

@Breathmiller hope you feel better soon. It must be so tedious being stuck at home for so long (not that you necessarily want to go somewhere when you are ill, but it’s nice to know you can if you wanted to!). I know what you mean about the delight in saying you don’t drink to medical staff. I had to complete a gp surgery form and loved ticking the ‘don’t drink’ box!

Right, I must try and go back to sleep. I find in general I am sleeping so much better. But when I do wake up in the night I am totally wide awake and just cannot get back to sleep at all. Still better just tired than tired and grotty from drinking @StopWineIng I hope you have a better night tonight, just remember the baby mantra ‘it won’t last forever, it will get better’!

Ok I've been mostly AF for over a year... mainly due to pregnancy and BF to be fair, but I really got an awakening to the benefits of being af. You all don't need me to tell you how amazing it is.

Here is my difficulty. DH is, I believe, borderline alcoholic. He'd absolutely refute that but the reality is he can't even go a week without a drink. He's so greedy with it. He suffers poor mental health, exacerbated by hangovers, brain fog etc. Is tired, anxious, short tempered with the kids. Allll this he denies. He maintains that he enjoys a drink and there is absolutely no downside to it whatsoever for him.

How can I get him onboard with the AF revolution?? How can I help him see the benefits? When I try to talk to him about it, I'm nagging. I'm no fun, I'm trying to control him bc I've stopped drinking and bc I don't want to do it any more, he doesn't see why he should have to do without it. He just doesn't want to stop. Plain and simple. He can't moderate at all. We rarely row but when we do you can bet your last penny that it's rooted in his drinking.

Have any of you any positive stories / tips / experiences that could help me help him see the light??

Morning. Just having a cup of tea before starting on some work (yes I know it’s 6.20am but I’ve got loads to do )

@Kittenminion sorry you’ve had a bad week, how’s your cat getting on now? Good to hear that alcohol is becoming less and less on your mind.

@yacketyyak hello and welcome to the thread. Glad you’re enjoying your AF life and congratulations on your baby. I’m only 6 weeks AF so definitely not a specialist but I would think only your DH can make the decision to not drink and you won’t change his mind no matter how much you try and convince him. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it’s true and must be really painful for you, seeing you enjoying the AF life will be a good influence though.

I’m sure others will be along with lots more advice soon.

@Nosilayak hope everything was ok when you spoke to the nurse.

@Breathmiller hope you’re on the mend

@Breathmiller hope you feel better soon x

@yacketyyak nothing you say or do will have the slightest effect if he is alcohol dependant . Only he can realise and only he can work on it . I’m sorry but that’s the truth . You could get on your knees and beg a person who’s dependant and they will still drink … until they are ready not to x I know it’s worrying

@Kindtomyself and @StoppedWineIng I appreciate your advice on thinking about the bigger issues or underlying issues in my marriage. It's definitely something that's been on my mind, more so now that I'm more clear minded. I'm not sure what the answer is, maybe a long time of problems being swept under the rug and not dealt with and not faced as alcohol helped to just not think about it.
@iamyourequal I understand what you mean by not feeling alone, it really is nice to have a supportive group and have people facing similar issues that we can't talk about to people we know. My husband can't talk about anything intimate either and when I try to he gets very defensive. I don't know how we got here either, but I'm not ready to give up.
@BunniesBunniesBunnies I really appreciate your insight, it's given me a lot to think about, I'm taking on board what you had to say.
It's been so nice to have everyones support with my DD's health. It's hard to feel like you're alone, and you have all helped me feel less alone. The not drinking is getting easier as time goes by but there's moments when it's really hard too. This group is really helping me to stay focused on the positives.

Morning, hope everyone is OK today, I know weekends can be the hardest for some people trying to stay AF. @kindtomyself thanks for asking about the call from the nurse. She confirmed I have a fatty liver but she said it wasn't too bad. She checked that I was still AF as id told her everything during my original, very tearful, appointment. She said that I have to stay AF and lose weight, which being AF is helping enormously (I was nearly 18 stone and I'm now 15, at 5 ft 9in I've still another 3 stone to lose). She said that alcohol can also cause malabsorbtian?? which can change stool colour etc a symptom I had that convinced me I had liver failure. I also have an enlarged womb full of fibroids, something I never knew (I adopted my son, aged 4 and have never been pregnant, never had an ultrasound etc). I've been told to take up yoga to strengthen my core muscles as she said this could be the cause of my backache and discomfort across my chest and to follow a mainly plant based diet with plenty of probiotics. I can't believe my poor old liver is still OK. This has been the massive wake up call I needed and I'm determined to remain AF. Thanks again to all of you for your invaluable support x

@Nosilayak that’s so positive. Well done for the weight loss too and hope you continue on your journey. I know lots of people who love Adrienne on YouTube for yoga if you fancy trying that.

I’m really anxious today but I know it’s because I’m exploring all the crap that’s inside me, all the suppressed/repressed feelings. I’ve had a real turning point this week and stuff is making sense why I am like I am. I’ve identified that I have a disorganised attachment style and I’m trying to work out how best to work on this. I’m quite emotional about it and think things are shifting but it’s so hard

@Nosilayak Adriene has lots of videos especially for core, psoas, women, cramps and back. I love her

Thanks everyone for the feel better messages. I do actually already feel a shift. 2 sets of steroids already and I can sense them doing their work. I can breathe much easier this morning. I also got anti sickness meds as I have been struggling with that and they have made a massive difference. I was able to eat last night.

Joining in the conversation of alcohol and sex, (if my DD who's on here knows my nickname and recognises me then I suggest you avert your eyes for the next few minutes , my lovely 😆).

I can see that in the past, if I wasn't in the mood for whatever reason (tired, couldn't be arsed) that getting a bit pissed would sometimes get me over that. I agree though with sometimes too much alcohol could have the opposite effect, same for dh though.
I have been married for 19 years and I've seen both our libidos and sexual needs have waxed and waned over the years. From the early younger years when it was pretty much a daily occurrence to now when we both accept it's not as much part of our lives or needs as much it was.

We have both had periods of times when our desire for sex has been low, periods of low mental health, body confidence as bodies have changed, young babies, busy at work etc..lots of things that have seen our needs change. We have also moved to a house that has paper thin walls and a younger child who used to get up at the crack of dawn (think 4.30-5 for years) and a teenager who is a total owl. So, that has felt like a hindrance even when we have wanted to.

But, we both agree that while we respect the other's times when they don't want to in general it's something we both would like more of at times, enjoy and feel it's an important part of marriage. And that has helped us through the dry periods. A deeper knowledge that its not that we don't want to have sex with each other but that the desire for sex is low at the moment due to whatever is going on. I suppose we are quite matched in our sex drives actually. Very high when younger but naturally less so now we're older which is normal I think. We often laugh that when all the kids have gone we might regain our youth again.

I think both communication and affection are key in these times of drought. We are quite a touchy feely couple, we share a sofa in the evening and tend to have one of us with our legs over the other so there's touch going on. We will cuddle in the kitchen and just touch quite often, hand on back, hold hands, interlink arms etc. Not sexual touch but just that loving connection. I think that's really important so that in times when sex is low you dont end up feeling like flatmates instead of lovers.

While I can see that pissed sex used to be fun and sometimes I do miss that I think, I do feel that it's much better now, like everything AF I am more present when it happens.

It hasn't always been like that though. We did go through a rough patch in our marriage years ago and I know that when that was happening sex was off the cards for all the wrong reasons. I have no desire to have sex with someone when I felt like I could have swung for them more often than clung to them. That's much tricker and deep rooted I think and then the other issues in the relationship need sorted out. I believe we have a strong marriage but all marriage over time, even the best of them have difficult periods, I think if you can put the work in and sort it out together then it makes it stronger.

Good luck to all those going through tricky times in your relationship at the moment. I hope it eases.

yackityyack
Welcome. And congratulations on your baby and being AF.

I'm afraid I'm another one reiterating that you can't make your DH stop drinking, you can only do this for yourself.

I've said this before on here but I also desperately wanted my dh to stop with me. I felt that it would be a support to me, I wanted to do it as a team. But once I let go of that, then it all became a lot easier. It felt lighter. I didn't have to try to stop someone else drinking, I only had to focus on me. It was my decision for me. No one else had to stop, to agree or even to help me. I just needed to worry about myself. I couldn't control what other people do, but I could control what I put in my own body. And i think after 30 years of parenting and being in relationships where you do tend to think of others, it was very freeing to just have myself to focus on. Suddenly it felt so much easier.

My dh does still drink (and he smokes weed) but he definitely has a better hold on it. He often will say that he drinks less now that I don't drink. If its creeping up again he will bring it down. He does drink most evenings, always has a Monday off and tries to do one more day too. Does he drink too much? Yes, i think he does. He doesn't get drunk very often these days (and when he does I think he's a bit of a dick from my sober point of view) but I do think he could cut down more. It just doesn't bother him. He makes beer, in fact my house is like a micro brewery. He actually seems to be quite good at it, mixing flavours and sourcing good ingredients and making it from scratch. He govsa lot of it away to friends who love it. In fact his dream would be to give up work and have his own micro brewery.

I think the biggest difference between me and him is that for the most part he is happy with his drinking. He knows for physical health he could do with a few more days AF (he said yesterday that he would prefer to move to not drinking during the week) but it doesn't affect his mental health. It doesn't tie him up in knots.

The bottom line is though that his drinking doesn't affect our family. If it did then I would want him to do something about it. But I can't change him. It would have to be something he wanted to do for himself. Like I did it for myself.

So, i would suggest letting go of trying to get him to stop. Maybe you not drinking without discussing his will inspire him to cut down. I know that in the past if I felt someone was trying to make me stop, or I felt they were judging my drinking or tutting at me that my fuck you rebellious sprit would take over and I'd have "another bloody glass" because that would show them. Stupid I know but it would have the opposite effect to making me stop. I needed to do this for me, not for anyone else.

Oh my god I just came on to say I recognise so so so much in @Breathmiller’s post on booze, relationships and sex. I think you really hit the nail on the head with all of that. The waxing and waning (and various reasons for the waning) but also how you can still create a sense of intimacy and openness even when life is getting in the way of sex. I tried to say all of this earlier but failed. @Breathmiller you have a way with words, you should consider writing a book or at least having an agony aunt column😂😂😂

Glad to hear you’re feeling better by the way👍