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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Should. I tell DD I’m an alcoholic?

36 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 10/09/2021 18:38

She’s 21, I think she knows. I’m high-functioning, hold down a stressful job, have solid friendships, support her and have a lovely home etc etc. Divorced from her dad with whom I have an amicable relationship and with whom she has regular contact. But I drink 1-2 bottles of wine a night and this has been a feature of her life for many years. We’re as close as can be and she always knows when I’ve had a drink but I try to deny it. She’s done well, I’m a single parent but she has plenty of contact with her dad who’s done something really awful in the past but that’s another story.

I always feel I have to be the fixer and be strong for her (the latest is she appears to have genital herpes and she’s devastated because she doesn’t sleep around). I’m tired of lying to her, I keep thinking it’s going to stop her from being hurt but I know in my gut that’s not true. She’s going back to uni at the weekend and I just want her to know what’s going on with me and stop the lies. I have a wonderful GP who’s been trying to help me for ages and have referred myself to D&A services (again) in the hope that a plan can be put in place to get me off alcohol (and prescription drugs).

Do I fess up to my wonderful daughter who is such a sensitive soul and finding life so hard anyway? She tells me I’m her rock and I feel as if I’m failing her on all fronts. My gut feeling is that I can’t hide my addiction from her anymore and she’s going to be more damaged by my lying than the addiction itself. I’m utterly desperate to get better, know where to turn and have made the necessary steps (again). Sorry this is long.

OP posts:
lljkk · 10/09/2021 18:42

My gut feeling is yes.
Not to burden her but to be honest with her.
It will have affected her life.
She may want to talk to about it. That would be a way for you to make some amends, create the space for her to talk about it.
It will also help you stay honest with yourself.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 10/09/2021 18:58

Thank you @lljkk. That’s how I feel too. Are you on this forum because you have experience of addiction? I’m a hopeless liar and know my continued dissembling is going to make things worse. I just want to protect my baby, she loves her dad and he’s good to her in many ways but has caused such damage in the past. So feel alone in being the strong parent who does everything.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/09/2021 19:02

I dont think you need to admit it as if its a shameful secret, but you could tell her that you feel like youre drinking too much and want to knock it on the head/cut down

TaraRhu · 10/09/2021 19:03

I agree with @Branleuse

I think she will be proud of you. Good luck x

thefirstmrsrochester · 10/09/2021 19:25

I think your daughter already knows, and there is (or shouldn’t be) any shame in confirming it to her. Many folk are not so honest about their drinking habits. I think she will be relieved to not be ignoring the elephant in the room, and will be proud of you for your honesty.

lljkk · 10/09/2021 19:31

My mom was alcoholic.
I just know that secrets eat us up from the inside.
Problems dragged out into the light tend to have much better chance of being solved or at least reduced.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 10/09/2021 20:25

lljkk I think that is a really good comment. Don't minimise the problem, be honest with yourself and her and support each other. I wish you well with tackling the alcohol.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/09/2021 20:27

She knows already. May begin a fruitful conversation, though.

If you’re expecting her to help you, probably not. There are better ways to do that.

Thornrose · 10/09/2021 20:35

I agree she knows and that might be quite scary for her. I'd acknowledge that my drinking has become a problem.

I'd tell her how you plan to manage your drinking at the same time as acknowledging the problem so she's not too worried about you.

I'd be wary of burdening her or making her feel she has to "fix you" in any way. So you need to make sure she knows you aren't asking her for help.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 10/09/2021 20:37

Def not expecting her to help me. Just hope it doesn’t tip her over as she drinks loads already, but just in a studenty sort of way. Thanks for the comments.

OP posts:
Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/09/2021 20:38

How is your recovery going OP? You post quite frequently about your alcoholism and also your daughter. Your recovery is solely dependent on you and the support you access for yourself. I don't know why you feel this constant need to involve your daughter in it. What can she do? Leave her alone.

Comedycook · 10/09/2021 20:40

I'm a child of an alcoholic. I do not think you should tell her.

FreshApricot · 10/09/2021 20:42

She already knows. Telling her is a good thing because alcoholism thrives on secrecy, and she will almost certainly feel relieved that you've admitted it. But the next step for you is to work hard, get help, and change on your own, without involving her in your recovery at all. Good luck. You're worth making this change.

(I'm the daughter of an alcoholic.)

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 10/09/2021 20:44

I don’t want to involve her, it’s my problem. I just want to know what to say to her when she asks me if I’ve had a drink. I’d rather say yes than lie to her. And then try to reassure her that I’m getting help (which I am).

OP posts:
2lsinllama · 10/09/2021 20:45

She already knows. I’ve recently had treatment for alcohol addiction and had to have a long open discussion with my teenager. It helped him understand me and I know realise the impact my drinking had on him

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 10/09/2021 20:46

Thank you @FreshApricot, can I ask what happened with your alcoholic parent?

OP posts:
romdowa · 10/09/2021 20:49

She knows already but admitting you have a problem to those closest to you is an important step in your recovery.

Themorethemerrier · 10/09/2021 20:50

Please don’t worry her with the truth. She probably knows and is probably scared but can convince herself it’s not true. Give it more time before you tell her v

candycane222 · 10/09/2021 20:56

I think you should ask the professionals, or possibly al-anon. I would imagine it kind of depends on whether it would make her feel safer, or whether she would be more troubled by no longer having a comforting fiction that 'it's fine' - even though in her heart o hearts she knows it isn't.

And on whether he would feel the need to police you even more, and/or feel she was in some way responsible for you.

If she's about to go back to uni perhaps don't rock the boat now. But I don't know really. Maybe this is just a way for you to feel bad about yourself? Is it helpful to mither over this?

Your main way to help your daughter is obviously to get sorted out yourself.

When you have found a treatment programme that is really working for you, then may be the time to tell her.

Does your ex know, by the way? Or perhaps better, other relatives such as people in your family (parents, sibs) if you have anyone? Perhaps you should be telling them first?

I am only asking questions really. I don't have answers. But I do also have experience of this from your daughter's end - although I was older.

If you love your daughter, get help. That's it really.

FreshApricot · 10/09/2021 20:59

@HildegardeCrowe

Sadly they still have a severe problem with drinking. They have often stopped for a short time, but they always start again. I think the relapsing is partly because they have never openly admitted to being an alcoholic (the closest we've got is them saying "I probably drink a bit too much") and refuse to seek external help and support (eg professional therapy).

The drinking often starts again during particularly stressful times, or just because "I deserve a treat".

You're not alone. Alcoholics pretty much always lie, feel ashamed and try to conceal how much they're drinking but they're never really fooling the people closest to them. Still, your family love you anyway.

I personally have found Nacoa extremely helpful and your daughter might do too. There's no upper age limit on seeking support.

Nat6999 · 10/09/2021 21:00

I've lost my dp & a very good friend to alcoholism, please for your dd & yourself seek help to stop drinking & tackle your addiction. Dying from alcoholism is as bad as dying from cancer but can be prevented. Get help before your liver is permanently damaged, if you seek help next week you could be in a totally different much better place by this time next year, I don't for one minute mean it will be easy but compared to being diagnosed with cirrhosis & having to be treated with that it is much better. Speak to your GP & contact your nearest drug & alcohol service who will be able to offer you treatment to stop you drinking & counselling to help you face up to why you drink & how to alter your mindset to begin a new life without drink. If you were to die from alcoholism it can increase the chances of your dd becoming an alcoholic as well as affect her mental health, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/09/2021 21:05

OP your first reply on this thread suggests that this is something about your ex. It's not. Your alcoholism is your issue. Share if you must with people your age (professionals or friends) not your daughter who does not need the worry.

KittytheHare · 10/09/2021 21:59

Looking at your previous posts (I know this is a Mumsnet no-no) I’m not sure of your motivation in wanting to confide in your daughter. I don’t think it will help her - rather it may make it another burden for her to shoulder. Why don’t you take solid steps to recovery and simply tell her that you’re making these positive changes in your life.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 11/09/2021 00:47

I’m trying to say I don’t want to tell her I’m an alcoholic, just own up when she asks if I’d had a drink. I can’t keep lying and saying I haven’t and maybe my thread title was mieading. I’m very grateful for all your helpful replies. I have a lifelong addiction and am ever hopeful I can get better (and keep asking for help) and am fed up with my lies.

OP posts:
BOOnanasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 11/09/2021 05:47

I think you should tell her- as long as you are actually going to go ahead and go through with getting help. That way you’re telling her (what she already knows- at 21 if she’s asking have you had a drink and you’re denying it- she knows you have a problem) but you’re not asking her to fix it you’re telling her you have a problem and you’re willing to fix it.

I’m also a little concerned when you say she drinks- does she do it in the house or have booze in the house? Bc you’re going to need your home to be an alcohol free area.