Freedom! An alcohol free thread, for alcohol free people.

[Drybird2020]

This is the latest in an established series of supportive and friendly threads, for anyone committing to a life without booze. If you have tried and failed to be a sensible, occasional or moderate drinker, and have come to the conclusion that you just can’t do it, you are in good company.

I won’t lie, the first part is tough. And it’s tougher for some than others. You will need to learn new ways of managing stress and negotiating social occasions. You will have to learn that alcohol and fun are not the same thing. Your relationships will change, often for the better, but some hard-drinking friends will turn away from the mirror your sobriety holds up to their own habits. You will find that the feelings you tried to drown in booze, come bubbling up to the surface and there’s no option but to face them. You will feel physically and emotionally low, as you relive and regret the stupid, painful and selfish things you did while drinking.

Here’s the good news: the first part will soon be over. It will be more worth it than you can possibly imagine. Life will still be messy, difficult and poignant, but so much sweeter, sharper, and more real.

This thread is a great place to ask for advice and tips, whinge and moan, check in for daily accountability, and run to when you have a craving that scares you. We also have quality chat about running, books, gardening, pets, and occasional meaningful conversations about our lives.

As should be obvious from the above, the thread is a DRY ZONE. Discussion of current drinking is extremely unhelpful to anyone in the early days, and people who have been alcohol-free for a long time benefit from a safe, dry space to talk. If you are looking to stop imminently and need to ask questions, go ahead, but leave your glass at the door. You wouldn’t take a drink to an AA meeting, so don’t do it here. You are welcome to post regularly from Day 1 onwards. If you suspect you have a physical dependency and need to cut down, seek medical help. If you want to be alcohol free except for a glass at Christmas and on your birthday, that’s moderation and you can talk about it on a moderation thread.

This is a rather long OP already so might I suggest that people use their first post to recommend their favourite quit-lit or other sources of help and support? Don't forget to say hello and a little bit abut your journey (if you want to). Many thanks.

Hi @TeeNoG must feel tough to have had a slip but my word you did well to get to almost two years sober. I can totally relate to that feeling of 'nothing awful happened but I feel like a terrible version of myself'. I hope it's not selfish to say that it really helped me to read your post. I'm on day 23 so very early days but am super super anxious today about some stuff that's going on with elderly relatives (combined with PMS) and the temptation to have a glass of wine tonight to take the edge of it is very strong. Anyway wishing you well back on the sober path.

@deathbyprocrastination thanks for the welcome 🤗.
Hormones were my nemesis in the early days. Conversely, as time goes on, you might find that being alcohol free helps your hormones, it did for me.
For now, I'd give into anything but the wine. Eat some chocolate, have a bath, go to bed, anything that helps. Wine won't help, though I understand the temptation.

Thanks @TeeNoG - that's really helpful. About to watch some telly with an AF beer - cravings over for tonight

Out of interest, how long did it take before you noticed any real improvements from giving up alcohol e.g. with hormones? I find I'm sleeping better (which is a big bonus) and am (other than today) a bit less anxious, but I look properly haggard today and feel a bit knackered. No pink clouds in sight as yet!

Hi to all new joiners - I’ve found this place a huge source of support and hope you all do too.

I’m four weeks in - 28 days
Tough at the very beginning but feeling easier now. I haven’t had any social occasions to trouble me so it may get more difficult next month when I meet certain friends.

I feel calm and quietly determined but also realistic enough to know I have a long way to go.

Keep cheering each other along and sharing stories, we are all coming at this differently and all perspectives are useful to someone.
Having another early night cos it helps me mightily right now.

Still here forty something days in to this now. It's definitely getting easier not to drink and alcohol takes up less of my headspace. What is tricky right now is dealing with all the feelings and thoughts that I would usually use alcohol to help me with, although I realise now it wasn't helping, just sort of deferring them to another day.

On a positive note, my skin is glowing, even if I'm not feeling it on the inside!

Ooh let’s if posts today do a bit of catching up to do…
@deathbyprocrastination well done enjoying time eith your DB and not drinking! The more situations where you succeed the easier it becomes. Same with looking forward to AF nights out etc. Interestingly, it’s made no difference as even when I was drinking I didn’t always look forward to them and would think ‘oh I’m tired, can’t be bothered’ etc. But would drag myself out to have a really good fun night out. Or wouldn’t go, depending on mood. Now it’s much more about the who. I still sometimes don’t fancy it because I’m feeling a tadge lazy but more often than not I actually really really want to see the people I’m meeting. The focus has changed to people rather than ‘out’ for our sake. If that makes sense?
So pleased you enjoyed your celebratory AF beer @ChampooPapi
Well done on your first week @VivianK woohoo!
Welcome @Rupertpenrysmistress I rate the alcohol experiment. I’d stopped for only a few days before I began. It’s worth listening/watching the whole 30 days.
@TowelStripes you’re not the first and you won’t be last. Well done tipping it away. Dust yourself down, forgive yourself and move on. Think about your triggers and the why and also how you’ll do differently next time. Have some strategies, distractions etc as often will power isn’t enough.
Your doing well @Perriwinkles keep up the great work!

@FieldGuide exactly! you know that booze wouldn’t actually help one iota. It’s a lie, a fat whopping lie. You can deal with your feelings and issues sober - actually deal with them. I think this aspect takes a while to sink in.

Sober staycation still going well. Very tempted this evening by complimentary bottle of wine supplied with holiday cottage plus sun terrace. But stayed strong (Love Island was my friend).

I've been sleeping terribly though. Not helped by DP who did drink most of the wine and is now snoring v loudly.

Love the concept of wine opening a door to a worse version of yourself. I'm holding onto that one.

Oh! I actually came on to say that my bottles of AF beer are rapidly disappearing and had no idea where 🧐 Turns out DH is enjoying them! I think most of you know he’s quite a drinker and that fact hasn’t made it easy for my sobriety. Ive not once said he should stop or cut down but I’m secretly thrilled!

Ah well done you!! It’s often not very nice anyway so you were doubly better off without!

@deathbyprocrastination I think it took a few cycles before I noticed a real change, but hang on in there, it's worth it! Another thing that definitely helps is a good multivitamin with all the minerals and stuff - I definitely notice if I forget to take for a few days

Hello everyone new and hello lots of new posts. I will catch up properly later, but I noticed that someone started drinking again after 2 years AF. I know other people on here have done similar in the past after long AF periods.

I'd love to know what the thought process was that led to drinking again after such a long time off, and then how it proved to be wrong?

My DH is toying with the idea of moderation, and I'd like some tales of experience to help me in discussions.

(I know what we each choose to do is our own decision, but I think my life would be much harder if he returned to drinking.)

@CardiganOfDoom Hi 👋🏻.

I am one of the people who drank after almost 2 years sober. I thought about it for weeks beforehand, I just wanted to give myself a chance at being able to occasionally drink, nothing deeper than that.

So, on my husbands birthday I decided to drink. Had 2 glasses. It was fine, though I'll be honest, and noticed a change in my confidence levels straight away, as in, they plummeted.
Anyway, next day I didn't drink and decided I'd allow myself to drink occasionally, but never more than 3 and never before dinner, so no day drinking.
The next day, I had 3 at lunchtime 😐.

So then I had another 5 or 6 weeks off, having realised I probably wouldn't excel at moderation. I went to my friends house for 2 nights however and drank both nights. Nothing bad happened. But honestly, I felt TERRIBLE. Massive anxiety and just total fear for about four days. So, now I know. Not only am I not good at moderation, I don't even enjoy it when I manage it. I'm done.

It's a risky thing, trying moderation. I realise I could easily be a back to a bottle each night by now. But ultimately I don't regret it. It's changed me from someone who can't drink into someone who just doesn't want to drink, because I can't now think of a single positive about it. It wasn't relaxing, it wasn't fun, and it made me feel shite.

I totally understand your fear about your husband drinking again, but maybe he will have a similar story if he does? It's risky though, I agree.

I’m in awe of 2 years sober @TeeNoG Maybe it’s good you toyed with moderation as now you can rule it out.

That’s great about your husband enjoying the alcohol-free beer @StayingVigilant

Starting Day 3 AF here. I feel better than yesterday but I still feel like crap but it’ll probably take a while before my body gets back to baseline

cardiganofdoom

I have been there and can try to make sense of it if I can. Might be quite good for me to write it down.

I did 18 months then went back to drinking. (And funnily enough the 18 months is my date that I want to get past this time and then I will really feel I've done it)

I think one of the differences is that I didn't really have a plan to stop forever. I was unhappy with my drinking , had a difficult night of overdoing it and took a kind of knee jerk reaction that I wanted to stop with no real thought of for how long. You know that one? The hangover and shame thats so bad you say "im never drinking again!"

I had had a small planned drink at Christmas which was 6 months in then I went back to not drinking.

Once I felt I had proved something to myself I decided that I would be able to moderate and that I would start to drink again. Once I had made that decision in my head I didn't even drink straight away. That's how much I felt I could do this moderating malarkey.

But then I had a heavy week at work and Friday night rolled around and I bought a bottle of wine. Sat at the table and did that pissed off drinking. I had half before I felt I should stop. Again, 'proving ' to myself I wasnt going down the path that I usually did.

Then I didn't drink again til the next week. I thought this is it. I can take it or leave it. But then it started creeping up again. Not just Fridays, not just wine, then more and more until I was back to polishing off a bottle, and more, easily and back to getting pissed for 'fun', as well as a couple here and there for 'enjoyment'.

I would then try to back off a bit again with some success. So, I felt I had a bit of a hold on it to be honest. Drank sometimes, not as much as in the past and had days off. But then I had an incident at a work thing where I made a fool of myself and I went back into a deep despair about my drinking. Didn't stop me though but the battle was huge in my head.

A few months later I did dry January (again) in 2020 and planned to keep going.

But then, I had a major fall from grace. My mum, who has Parkinsons took a fall and ended up in hospital. She didn't get out and ultimately ended up in a nursing home with severe dementia and wheelchair bound all within a few months. I had power of attorney and it was all a mess. I was having some health issues due to the menopause and was quite ill while trying to manage my mum's situation, my step dad's fall into depression and my work having gone nuts, a collapsed ceiling at my business premises, on and on and on with the stress to be honest.

I was drinking much more.
Then in the middle of all that, lockdown hit (with my mum still in hospital and very ill) and I fell down a well of booze.

Dh and I would start drinking earlier and earlier and I lost any thoughts of moderation or limiting.

By the August I realised where I was again and knew that this was it. I couldn't moderate. I needed to stop and stop for good. I found this thread and read back and thought I'd be brave and post on a public forum and that was the start of something wonderful.

I do feel this is it this time but I am aware that it can all come crashing down so easily so staying vigilant is key.

I have had moments over the last year of thinking 'maybe I've taken it too far and maybe I can moderate' but then I remember where I was a year ago and know deep down that's not the case.
So, that's why I have the thought in the background that I can't ever have one. One will not be one. It might be that day, or the next day, but it won't be in the long term.

I can't moderate and that's that. Why? I'm not sure. I could unpick it and go over ad nauseum the whys and wherefores as to why other people can take or leave alcohol and I can't. But I have chosen not to bother. That would take up too much headspace. It is what it is, and I choose to move on with a different way of living.

I try not to look back with too much regret or annoyance at myself (or others) again, that would do no good. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes not. But, I enjoy this way of life now. I am 50, which my son used to call 'halfway' due to some long living genes in the family. I spent a lot of the first half pissed, I'm going to see what adventures lie in doing the second half sober.

Such an honest and helpful post @Breathmiller

Wise words:

I spent a lot of the first half pissed, I'm going to see what adventures lie in doing the second half sober

Thank you both, TeeNoG and Breathmiller, what lovely thoughtful posts.

As I've said on here, I am missing the feeling of sociability that alcohol used to give to DH and me, and I think he misses that too, plus "occasion drinking."

Also, I've just come through a week or two of feeling really quite depressed, and I think he was thinking of my mental health - in the past a drink and a chat would cheer me up and make me less lonely. (I know everyone says to chat sober, but we don't manage it. We're both fairly reserved and can't think of what to say or overthink it.) But almost because of that, I'm scared of moderation - if the solution to my personal problems does lie at the bottom of a bottle, then I will be likely to be driven to use it frequently, as I did in the past.

Although, TeeNoG, I found your experience very interesting. I'm more used to the trope of heavy drinkers just starting where they left off and then some. Perhaps I would share your perspective and not enjoy it any more? It seems that it ought to be so, if alcohol robs us, and the AF life brings us so much.

That's interesting cardiganofdoom and I can see how you are at the stage of thinking about the enjoyable stages of drinking. Only you can decide if they outweigh the negatives. For me they don't. But for others they do. No judgement here for those that do.

Can you have a think back to what led you to join this thread and want to stop? (You don't have to say here necessarily)

I find that (a bit like labour) our memories can be a little selective when we have some distance and we downplay the bits we don't enjoy so much. Is it that your brain is telling you all the good bits of drinking because you want a drink? But it is selectively forgetting all the crap bits that led you to stopping?

Again, only you can know this. I had to have a few attempts at believing I could moderate again before I realised I was kidding myself.

Checking in 👋

Hi everyone. Day 3 ✔️ I’m finding it easy as I still have the fresh memory of being on my knees puking on Saturday night. I just hope I can keep this up even after the memory fades. The dates in the diary, while lovely to have, make me nervous I’ll break.

I have realised I was kidding myself too. I gave up for 30 days twice before but once I got back into the swing of drinking very regularly, it was like I had never given up at all.

@Perriwinkles it helps to write down your reasons for stopping, and the shame you feel about Saturday night and other drunk occasions. The memories will fade and that can make it harder to carry on alcohol free. So it's important to have reminders of how bad it really was.

I'm fascinated to read the accounts of people starting again after a long time. It's a lurking fear that this will happen to me and I want to be on my guard and figure out how to avoid it! So thank you for sharing.

@ChampooPapi

Checking in 👋

Happy to hear it! I’m in my fifth week and still dealing with what I can recognise as suppressed emotions. In part I’m still ‘one day at a time’ but also planning and looking forward at the same time. Today I’m going to start a list - I’m inspired by posters lhere who have talked about healthy eating. Also want to build in a few treats like some ‘me’ shopping plus some exercise goals. Going to start slow and see how it goes. Wishing you all well today.

@Drybird2020

Thank you. I will write down my reasons for stopping.

I’m starting Day 4 now & I think it’s the first day in quite a while that I haven’t felt even a little hungover.

@AlloftheTime you've inspired me to do the same, I need to set some more goals for myself that don't just involve not drinking. It's time to step it up. And by 'it' I mean life.

Day 32 💪

@ChampooPapi
Congratulations on Day 32! That’s wonderful! It takes 21 days to start a new habit, they say; so you’re well on the road to an alcohol-free habit.