Freedom! An alcohol free thread, for alcohol free people.

[Drybird2020]

This is the latest in an established series of supportive and friendly threads, for anyone committing to a life without booze. If you have tried and failed to be a sensible, occasional or moderate drinker, and have come to the conclusion that you just can’t do it, you are in good company.

I won’t lie, the first part is tough. And it’s tougher for some than others. You will need to learn new ways of managing stress and negotiating social occasions. You will have to learn that alcohol and fun are not the same thing. Your relationships will change, often for the better, but some hard-drinking friends will turn away from the mirror your sobriety holds up to their own habits. You will find that the feelings you tried to drown in booze, come bubbling up to the surface and there’s no option but to face them. You will feel physically and emotionally low, as you relive and regret the stupid, painful and selfish things you did while drinking.

Here’s the good news: the first part will soon be over. It will be more worth it than you can possibly imagine. Life will still be messy, difficult and poignant, but so much sweeter, sharper, and more real.

This thread is a great place to ask for advice and tips, whinge and moan, check in for daily accountability, and run to when you have a craving that scares you. We also have quality chat about running, books, gardening, pets, and occasional meaningful conversations about our lives.

As should be obvious from the above, the thread is a DRY ZONE. Discussion of current drinking is extremely unhelpful to anyone in the early days, and people who have been alcohol-free for a long time benefit from a safe, dry space to talk. If you are looking to stop imminently and need to ask questions, go ahead, but leave your glass at the door. You wouldn’t take a drink to an AA meeting, so don’t do it here. You are welcome to post regularly from Day 1 onwards. If you suspect you have a physical dependency and need to cut down, seek medical help. If you want to be alcohol free except for a glass at Christmas and on your birthday, that’s moderation and you can talk about it on a moderation thread.

This is a rather long OP already so might I suggest that people use their first post to recommend their favourite quit-lit or other sources of help and support? Don't forget to say hello and a little bit abut your journey (if you want to). Many thanks.

Hi all, just checking in!👋
Day 7 almost done - 1 week! I can't quite believe it!
Still bloody tired and eating more than I should, but like you @Perriwinkles, cutting myself some slack for now

@Clouds78 the weight started to drop off pretty quickly once I stopped drinking and that motivated me to improve my eating habits, which then led to a consistent weight loss. People started to notice and that was a great motivator too. I am still astonished that I am actually having this conversation- me - not drinking and healthy eating! It feels like a miracle.

@Day1noboozing skin improvement took longer, I'd say it was about 4 months before I stopped plastering makeup on and started using a much lighter covering. It's not perfect but loads better and not red!

If I'm honest I expected skin and sleep to improve instantly until someone pointed out to me that I'd been poisoning my body for years so it'll take longer than a few days to rectify that.

@Kittenminion the head battle and racing thoughts definitely eased quite quickly. Once I'd got through day 1 without calling into buy my wine, I did the same the next day and the day after that, it got easier and soon a few days can pass without even thinking about drinking. (I am still amazed at this). I replaced my glasses of wine with glasses filled with diet tonic water with ice, so I still had something in my hand, might not work for everyone but it certainly helped me.

@VivianK glad to hear you are determined to keep at it. I’m sorry you are feeling bored and low. Perhaps it would help to think about activities or pastimes you enjoyed before the children came along. You don’t necessarily have to do exactly the same things as before but think about why you enjoyed them or what you got out of taking part in them. I’ve been using a sleep app, earplugs and an eye mask and really have been sleeping better!!
Keep thinking about what you are aiming for and remember you can also post here with a question, a rant or a whinge. It seems a very nonjudgmental place to me and you are sure to get some support or feedback
Take care .

@VivianK
I don’t think having one glass undoes all of your great work before that. You still did & are doing great. And it sounds like you didn’t use it as an excuse to start back up again, which is great.

I am now on Day 4 AF and am determined to stick it out. I have enjoyed being more present in the day and having more energy for DD.

I have a social event coming up and am concerned there will be an expectation for me to have a drink. I have to go but don't want to drink, and because of this, people in this group won't understand. Having a drink is seen as making an effort IYSWIM.

Well I have been scrolling the internet and came across this thread whilst feeding my baby last night.

I turn to wine for emotional support or to relax after a hard day with the DC’s, it makes me feel worse though!

I’m breastfeeding so although not regularly drinking to excess (I would if I wasn’t though), I’m regularly drinking and it’s time to stop.

I feel I need to set shorter term goals. I did have a couple of glasses of wine last night so this will be my first official AF day free although I don’t drink every night I think it’s harder when you think you can’t have it.

I saw a podcast mentioned but I can’t remember what it is called? Any recommendations would be gratefully received.

@JBlow
Don't drink. You will feel such a sense of accomplishment. I went to a wedding recently & didn't drink. There was pressure from a few people but I didn't cave.
Good luck. Some situations are hard but you can do it.

@viviank it was only one. Did you read what breathmiller said yesterday about practice? I was going to write it down as it was so true. Something about every effort counts. It does! Your efforts over your holidays most certainly count. Count a helluva lot more than your one drink. So forget it and move on.
I do understand what you mean by loneliness and boredom. I’m the same. DH is back in the office and not home til late; the kids (teens) do their own thing in their own rooms. Won’t even watch TV with me. ☹️ I’m not sure what to do about it either. It’s not making me want to drink but probs why I snack too much. Unlike hepzivar I’ve put on 11 pounds since going AF 8 months ago!
@jblow why is drinking about making an effort? I’m not understanding that. No one should be made to feel they don’t have a choice. If that’s the case do you really have to go? Could you say you’re on meds so can’t drink, driving so can’t drink etc rather than admit it’s a choice?
Welcome @StopWineIng there’s lots of suggestions at the beginning of this thread re quit lit and podcasts etc.

[quote StayingVigilant]**@viviank* it was only one. Did you read what breathmiller* said yesterday about practice? I was going to write it down as it was so true. Something about every effort counts. It does! Your efforts over your holidays most certainly count. Count a helluva lot more than your one drink. So forget it and move on.
I do understand what you mean by loneliness and boredom. I’m the same. DH is back in the office and not home til late; the kids (teens) do their own thing in their own rooms. Won’t even watch TV with me. ☹️ I’m not sure what to do about it either. It’s not making me want to drink but probs why I snack too much. Unlike hepzivar I’ve put on 11 pounds since going AF 8 months ago!
@jblow why is drinking about making an effort? I’m not understanding that. No one should be made to feel they don’t have a choice. If that’s the case do you really have to go? Could you say you’re on meds so can’t drink, driving so can’t drink etc rather than admit it’s a choice?
Welcome @StopWineIng there’s lots of suggestions at the beginning of this thread re quit lit and podcasts etc.[/quote]
Making an effort because it is a rare occasion and everyone will be booking a cab and getting on that same wave length after a few drinks. If you don't join in it distances you from the camaraderie. Or so it would seem. I will go along, drive myself there and order appletiser in a wine glass to avoid comments.

It really is true that people do not celebrate giving up drinking as the same way as giving up smoking.

Morning everyone.

Day three was successful yesterday!

I am feeling good and positive.

@VivianK boredom is difficult. I have been drawing up a list of little annoying jobs I never get round to. This is also quite helpful as a get a bit of satisfaction from finally getting something done as well as keeping busy/distracted. I’m also mulling an online course in something I’m interested in for when I run out of jobs! Have you got any interests you can focus on in the evenings?

@jblow you can do this! It sounds challenging but like username said you will feel great afterwards! Driving is a good idea, avoids the temptation and will hopefully put a stop to people trying to persuade you to drink.

The comparison between drinking and smoking is one I’ve never thought about. I feel like I’m doing this secretively at the moment as if it’s a slightly non acceptable thing to do, so weird.

I am staying with friends this weekend and they are the people I always drink the most with so I think I’m going to find this hard. I’m taking some AF drinks. We have some nice days out with the kids planned so I am going to focus on feeling good for those and not hungover. I figure if I manage this it’s a big step quite early on and will help push me forward.

@StopWineIng welcome! I’m only on day 4 now so no expert but I’ve found having a real focus on doing this - being on this thread, getting an app, ordering some books has given me a more focussed and engaged approach rather than the usual haphazard I’m giving up, but not really thinking about it approach.

I found that it was easy to give up in pregnancy and minimise during bfing as you are doing it for your baby. But when I stopped I just went straight back into old habits. It could be the perfect time to get to grips with it while you can’t drink much anyway.

I totally agree with the poster who mentioned about the comparison between giving up drinking and giving up smoking. I'm also doing this "secretively". It's almost as if giving up smoking is something to be widely, publicly, celebrated but giving up drinking is something to be embarrassed about. Maybe it's just me who feels ashamed, as by announcing im giving it up, is like admitting publicly that I had a problem with it in the first place, that I had no self control as far as alcohol was concerned and that my alcohol consumption was way too much. My wider family and friends would probably be shocked to learn I had a problem and wouldn't know what to say. Yet, if I was giving up smoking I'd just know I'd get pats on the back and loads of encouragement.

Day 40 , checking in 🙏

Hi all,

So lovely to see so many new people here. For any of you who might remember me, I'm still sober! I didn't think at all that I would be able to manage it, but it's helped me so much, whether in terms of managing my suicidality, processing all my grief, being a better mum, feeling more present in my body, all those things. Its so worth it.

I had a milestone recently - going back to my home country to see my family and closest friends for the first time since my husband's funeral - and it really spoke to me. I had been really anxious about being around my 'hard drinking' friends - but the thing that surprised me was how many people took me quietly aside to have chats about their own drinking, over the course of my visit. Nobody called me a killjoy, everyone understood when I said that drinking had ended up taking more than it gave me, and I felt better without it.

I am a writer in a very specific discipline and I've also just had word that something in a very different discipline - something I never ever ever would have had the bravery or honesty to write while I was still drinking - is being published. I feel very grateful to be sober right now.

If you're new to this and still waiting to feel good - trust in the process. I really struggled with sleeping and energy and trying to stay alive, basically, for the first while, but it started to gradually sort itself out. I am staying vigilant (!) but it feels really worth it.

If you're at that delicate stage where you're meeting people but not ready to say you're done with alcohol, then it's really important you have an AF drink order ready to roll off your tongue in the bar (tonic, ice and lemon please) or an AF something already in your bag.

Here are some of the lines I've used successfully over the past few weeks (you need a range of lines for different crowds, I find!):

• I've been sleeping really badly and someone said a total break from alcohol might help
• I've a really upset stomach/itchy back (whatever they can't see) at the moment and I'm trying to exclude
• I've got X (a run, early trip to the shop, a phone call to someone who really needs support) planned in the morning and I want to have a clear head
• If you have children they're a great excuse. So far over the past few months I've used my child's early waking, a mythical dentist's appointment, a drive to a nearby town to get school uniform, and a swimming booking as excuses not to drink

You don't ever have to tell anyone you thought you might have a problem if you don't want to! I've graduated to "Oh, it turned out I'm just happier without it, so I don't bother drinking now" and really, nobody cares.

Take the vitamins, listen to or read the quit lit, fill up on podcasts (not alcohol related but I love Rangan Chatterjee's Feel Better, Live More) and exercise, and believe it can be worth it.

I guess with smoking it’s seen as a habit. Whereas if you can’t drink ‘moderately’, although the definition of this varies massively from one person to another, you have a problem.

A lot of people would be more ashamed to have a problem than a habit. I haven’t told anyone what I’m doing, not even DH yet but I will once I have some more confidence in myself that I can do it.

coldwatertherapy It's so good to see you back on here and hear how well you are doing. You had so much to deal with and to do it all while stopping drinking is just amazing. You deserve an extra pat on the back.

I love everything you read and particularly how it has helped you find confidence in your work. Well done on getting published.

Really - so delighted to hear everything you have written.

@ColdWaterTherapy It sounds as if you've been through a lot and I'm so glad that being AF is working out so well for you. Amazing re your writing being published - very many congratulations. One of my many reasons for going AF is because I have a feeling it will help me get back into writing (I wrote a novel that is just sitting on my desktop, and have started and not finished multiple other writing projects).

Day 33 for me today. I've been working towards going long-term AF for a number of years now and then meddled with moderating etc but this time really does feel a bit different. I've been being more honest with people about it and that's helping to make me accountable.

It’s great to read all of your posts and it’s clear so many of us worry about similar things when it comes to drink. I admit that I feel I need to give a reason why I’m not drinking to friends but I think I’m partly to blame. I’ve always been one of the ‘reliable’ ones!. ‘Well Perriwinkles will definitely be drinking’ etc. Other people have prioritised themselves & their health more over the years. I remember having to wait in a pub for a LONG time as a friend said to a group of us: ‘it could take me an hour to drink that’ (she had a pint of cider in front of her). I felt so angry that we all had to wait so long so that she could drink, in my then opinion, ridiculously slowly! She just wasn’t succumbing to peer pressure. I would have knocked it back as I’d be worried about holding people up.

Maybe there are some common themes here: emotionally unavailable parents (in some of our cases) and people-pleasing tendencies…

Day 12 ✔️ I was so tempted today as I had a big disappointment regarding something quite important; so it’s been the toughest day so far. Instead, I had some treat foods. I know food is not the answer either but one step at a time. I can’t take self-anger on top of quitting booze. I’m going to have a hot shower and a nice dinner with an AF beer. I know I’m eating too much but I’ll tackle that when I’m more settled into AF life.

I hope your sober Thursdays are going well. Best wishes to you all.

@Perriwinckles well done you for not giving in today when you were having a tough time. That is amazing and you should be really proud of yourself. Enjoy your lovely food and just think, tomorrow we are in the "teens" x

Thanks @Nosilayak
it’s only natural that there will be worse days I suppose. Riding out the storm without using alcohol as a crutch is the challenging part … but it’s worth it! I’d feel so much worse now if I had had a drink. I’m in bed now reading MN (& some quit-lit).

Congratulations to you too. It’ll be nice for us to hit the teens on a Friday! X

Yes @Perriwinkles ! You are going to feel so good tomorrow when you wake up about choosing to continue being sober, it's the opposite to drinking in some ways, massive pay off the next day, brain feeling so good and happy, for a little painful night before feeling.

Total opposite with booze. Massive painfulness the next day/week even, for a couple of hours of brain balm 'happiness'.

Thanks @ChampooPapi That’s so true!

I am feeling a lot more confident and chatty now I don't drink. Didn't expect that! Think it's because I am proud of myself.

That’s amazing @Usernameucreate I suppose alcohol is a depressant so that makes sense. You should be proud too as going AF is a big achievement, I think.

I found I was getting too open when drunk & confiding things I never wished to … that was a recent development as when I was younger, even when drunk, I had self-restraint. I’m relieved not to have to be concerned about that anymore.

Hi everyone checking in on day 9!
Had a wobble after work today, the Friday night thing...almost went to the shop on the way home. I "played it forward" as has so often been said on here, imagined how I'd feel after I'd had the wine (disappointed with myself and feeling like crap) and instead came home to fizzy water.
Happy sober Friday! X