Freedom! An alcohol free thread, for alcohol free people.

[Drybird2020]

This is the latest in an established series of supportive and friendly threads, for anyone committing to a life without booze. If you have tried and failed to be a sensible, occasional or moderate drinker, and have come to the conclusion that you just can’t do it, you are in good company.

I won’t lie, the first part is tough. And it’s tougher for some than others. You will need to learn new ways of managing stress and negotiating social occasions. You will have to learn that alcohol and fun are not the same thing. Your relationships will change, often for the better, but some hard-drinking friends will turn away from the mirror your sobriety holds up to their own habits. You will find that the feelings you tried to drown in booze, come bubbling up to the surface and there’s no option but to face them. You will feel physically and emotionally low, as you relive and regret the stupid, painful and selfish things you did while drinking.

Here’s the good news: the first part will soon be over. It will be more worth it than you can possibly imagine. Life will still be messy, difficult and poignant, but so much sweeter, sharper, and more real.

This thread is a great place to ask for advice and tips, whinge and moan, check in for daily accountability, and run to when you have a craving that scares you. We also have quality chat about running, books, gardening, pets, and occasional meaningful conversations about our lives.

As should be obvious from the above, the thread is a DRY ZONE. Discussion of current drinking is extremely unhelpful to anyone in the early days, and people who have been alcohol-free for a long time benefit from a safe, dry space to talk. If you are looking to stop imminently and need to ask questions, go ahead, but leave your glass at the door. You wouldn’t take a drink to an AA meeting, so don’t do it here. You are welcome to post regularly from Day 1 onwards. If you suspect you have a physical dependency and need to cut down, seek medical help. If you want to be alcohol free except for a glass at Christmas and on your birthday, that’s moderation and you can talk about it on a moderation thread.

This is a rather long OP already so might I suggest that people use their first post to recommend their favourite quit-lit or other sources of help and support? Don't forget to say hello and a little bit abut your journey (if you want to). Many thanks.

@Nosilayak
welcome - hope you don’t have to wait too long for your results. Post when you need to and however long it’s been an issue for you it’s still one little day at a time to be alcohol free.

@Nosilayak
@Perriwinckles thank you. Yes, every day is a milestone at the moment isn't it? Stay strong x

Yes. I’m convinced if we get passed 21 days, it’ll get easier. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit…so much of drinking alcohol is habit. I like the idea of my body recovering from all the alcohol but I think it’s a slow process as I feel much more tired than usual these days. I hope your results are ok but either way, you’re doing the right thing for your mind and body now.

@AllofTheTime thank you. I started drinking at 22 and I'm now 53 and am sick of it. I mainly drank at weekends but a whole week or mores worth of units, yet kidded myself I wasn't alcohol dependent as it was only weekends. This is my first full weekend off alcohol and gosh, it is dragging! I'll be glad when it's Monday morning, although it will be wonderful not to be hungover on a Monday and that's what's spurring me on. Just trying not too eat too much to compensate for the lack of alcohol but that's another battle!

@Perriwinckles thank you. I also feel really tired. I'm dreading the blood tests and ultrasound results but I just think, whatever is wrong with me, cutting out alcohol can only help, whatever I am facing. I will just feel so embarrassed in front of Doctors and Nurses if my health issues are alcohol related. I know it's nothing they probably haven't heard before but I'm so ashamed. Yes, the 21 day milestone sounds great, perhaps it's something we can celebrate on here together as we'll hopefully reach it on the same day. Thanks again for your support x

@Nosilayak
Yes! Let’s egg each other on & celebrate 21 days AF together…I’m finding it tough too but non-alcoholic beer is helping (and so is food) … and this thread. Hold on. We’ll get through it.

Hi all I posted a few days ago still hanging in at day 5 today. Went to a party yesterday and I was driving, not told anyone I am quitting, and of course I am normally the idiot at these things, not this time, 3 people tried to get me to drink as that's what I normally do. I am trying not to focus ahead to much as I have been here many times before.

Whatever 47 you summed it up beautifully with your morning coffee, I woke feeling great with energy and had to check myself, no headaches, sweating, nausea or anxiety, it's great!! periwinkle I do sub alcohol for anything I fancy mainly chocolate it seems but that's ok for now. I just need to find some nice drinks other than tea and water.

Happy bank holiday all ❤️ I hope you all wake up feeling fabulous. On another note, I have just finished another love it is a tear jerker but fantastically written, easy to see myself in some of it. I listened to it in 2 days as I had to know how it ended, I really rooted for the main character.

Smashed today 💪🙌 and loved it. Night all, early night for me after chasing three children around all day

(They were my own fyi)

Sleep well all

@ChampooPapi

Smashed today 💪🙌 and loved it. Night all, early night for me after chasing three children around all day

(They were my own fyi)

Sleep well all

Glad to hear they were yours!! Night all

@Perriwinkles

Thanks for your comment re: pub.
I know how to use the @ to reply to individuals now. I'm not great with technology!

@Breathmiller
I’ve been thinking about your post and it’s all really resonating with me. I gave up coffee about a year ago (had been drinking it every morning for about 7 years) and it was so easy. Just kind of said no and that was that. But sugar is a different thing. I read an article once on sugar and how it is so highly addictive. But again, (and like alcohol) it’s so highly pushed and normalised in our society - just look at supermarket and cafe shelves. So how do we (and children) get away from it without making a massive effort to cut back and find alternatives. I think once new patterns, ways of shopping and cooking/baking/socialising/entertaining have been formed, then we can start to reduce and eliminate so much sugar in our diet.

The way in which we deal with addiction I think does have a lot to do with our upbringing - some may model their parents, others go totally the different way. But as a person who has now, later in life, recognised that I have actually had childhood trauma, I do wonder whether this has affected my behaviour and how I cope with moderation. The cheerleading thing was extremely relevant - I’m so sorry you never felt like tour parents didn’t for you. I have recognised that actually mine did but only when I did well at a material/superfluous thing - an exam - looking beautiful - anything to do with their version of being successful. Have you ever read any of Diane loomans books on raising kids? One of her books talks about what all kids want their parents to know - it’s like a poem and one line reads, ‘love me without condition’. It’s the truest thing I’ve ever read about parenting. Just read the words again. I do feel that you may be realising that your childhood has had an impact on your adult behaviours and that might be something to explore in all this. Please ignore if this is not helping btw! However, I’m definitely now revisiting my childhood and seeing what’s happened. Why I react and respond to what life throws at me. I’m really hoping to connect with my inner children again or as one poster said a month or so ago, enjoy all those teenage hobbies that once were so enjoyable before I was introduced to the normalised world of drinking abs the vicious cycle of anxiety it produces.

Hope everyone’s having a good Sunday. Hang in there and keep trooping on.

Well done @ChampooPapi and all the other amazing new peeps doing so well on here 🥰

Just ticking off another day. I'm really tired but can't sleep and have now started worrying about something to do with one of my DC. Ho hum. Hopefully it will be better tomorrow

Hi everyone can I join?

I have been struggling with alcohol on and off for a long time.

I have tried moderating my drinking over the last few months, but it really is not working. I would like to be free of it, to have the space it occupies in my brain used by something more interesting!

I drank too much on my recent holiday and felt awful about it. I didn’t sleep well, was grumpy with the kids etc. I then gave up for all of three days and succumbed last night. Now I have slept badly and have started the usual regrets and disliking myself for failing.

I have a lovely husband who is very supportive in most things, but he doesn’t seem to be understanding that I need his support with this. I tell him I have a problem with alcohol but he doesn’t seem to agree. I tell him I want to not drink for 30 days and then when I fail he says that 30 days is a long time anyway. He tells me going 3 days is an achievement anyway, and it was but it’s not enough! When I suggest I want a drink he tells me it’s up to me, but doesn’t remind me why I want to stop. I know it’s me that has to stop, and it’s my willpower but I am struggling to understand why he isn’t helping me more. So a bit of support from this thread would be great!

I want to stop for so many reasons, primarily my health over the last three years I have watched my mum die of cancer and my dad succumb to dementia and other health issues (and he drank everyday). If don’t want that for me, I have young children I need to be here for.

Right, I’m going to throw the remaining wine down the sink now, as I know if i don’t my excuse tonight will be that I can’t let it go to waste!

I keep thinking about how easy it was not to drink when pregnant as it was the right thing to do for the baby. But when it’s the right thing to do for me, I find it impossible!

@Kittenminion come join us here!
It’s going to be tough but it sounds like you want it to happen so that’s the first positive. There are plenty of approaches and lots of people here are using books and podcasts which you may find useful. Today is five weeks for me so I’m still fairly new but can’t tell you how much better I feel compared to a month ago. I really took it one day at a time and had lots of early nights which helped enormously. I’m not at all complacent as I’ve not had many social or family occasions that would challenge me yet. I feel differently about it this time and after a very difficult couple of years personally I am doing this for me. In a strange way it makes me feel important- important enough to put myself first.
Anyway, good luck to you and everyone else starting a new week.

Good morning everyone. Happy sober bank hol Monday!

@Kittenminion you’re in the right place here. Try and read as much of the start of this thread as possible as there are so many amazing suggestions re quit lit, pod casts and extra help. There’s also a previous thread - I’ll try pop it on here - when it was started and that’s what set me off on right track. Like @AlloftheTime I’ve also just hit the 5 week mark, first counting in days, then weeks. You can do this. Joining MN or this thread is the start. The next thing I did was buy one book. I chose Alan carrs book. Actually only half way through tbh but it’s given me a head start. Amazing book. Loads of other books pple are recommending too… I know exactly the feeling you are describing too. It’s very hard and a vicious circle. My DH is not v supportive as he likes a drink or two but that’s his journey and his choice so I’m just focusing on myself and very quietly getting on with being sober without making a big deal of it. Had 3 social occasions where drink was at the core but managed to avoid it. Driving, being woken up in the night by DC’s, not being able to drink like I used to, getting bad hangovers, feeling tired the next day have all been my excuses. Surprisingly, people just see that as ok and a reasonable excuse. Why would you want to feel bad the next day?! Virgin cocktails, AF beer, tonic without gin seem to make others who are drinking feel more at ease lol! (Not that we should care about what others think it’s just about making this transition easier for ourselves).

Anyway, good luck with your journey and well done x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4220600-The-Freedom-Thread-for-those-embracing-a-life-without-alcohol?pg=1

Argh! I’d just written a huge missive on here and it’s just gone PUFF 💨 so I’ll be brief…
Welcome @Kittenminion I’ve a similar DH. I wrote reams about this in my post but basically; don’t use his lack of support as an excuse. By all means try to have a meaningful discussion in how he can help but remember us stopping shines a light on others drinking. It’s highly likely that ultimately you need to ignore it, not need his support and crack on regardless. Use this thread, podcasts, quit lit, smart recovery, 30 day alcohol experiment etc. Support from abstainers will always be superior. What does your drinking DH bring to the table? 😉
Huge well done to all those who overcame their wobbles. And to those celebrating milestones! @VivianK are you home now? Do you have an idea of when you could be triggered and a toolbox to manage it? It could be worth thinking about.

Thanks clouds that is all really interesting and useful. Thank you for taking the time to write that.

I hear you on realising that parents have a part to play in how we react to the world around us. I felt like I spent a lot of my younger days blaming my upbringing which was fine in many ways but not in others.

I have done a lot of work to try to understand and to let go. I made a conscious effort about or 4 or 5 years ago to take the bull by the horns and face my demons around this.

Doing self help practices as well as traditional counselling. The counselling really helped me to realise that my parents were neglectful and certainly emotionally neglectful. It helped me to let go, to see that it was them not me, that they lacked something in how to parent. That was very freeing. Not only for me and how I lived my life going forward but in forgiving them.

And using it all to learn how to be a better parent myself. I am lucky that I have a very close relationship with all my children even into adulthood. The unconditional love thing resonated.

I suppose I don't let it get to me so much anymore, I can analyse it to a certain extent without being so affected by it. I do find it interesting more than upsetting to think about why this may be why I act in a certain way and if it is to do with the behaviours of the adults around me in childhood, how to let go of that, to forgive them and comfort the wounded child in me myself.

And most importantly, with that knowledge how to take control of it now and change my behaviours in a way that benefit me.

Like not drinking.

I suppose in many ways I was angry at my parents lack of support in life and turned to drink as a self sabotaging mission VERY young. "That'll learn them!!" type mentality. But it was only me I was sabotaging all these years.

There is a saying in Buddhist texts that say that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get ill. Seems apt for the literal poison I have filled myself up with for years.

Once I analysed where it came from, why I did it, who to forgive (including myself) then it was so much easier to move on and do what I needed to do. Which was to stop drinking.

Like you with the coffee, I had wanted to be vegan for years after being (mostly) a life long vegetarian. Then one day a few years ago it just happened. No struggle, it just became a relatively easy way of my life. Then alcohol the same. Just over a year ago I woke up and thought no more. That's it. Like a switch had been flicked.

And now, the next one is sugar and junk food. I know once I stop it being a battle of wills then it will all just become so much easier.

The mind is a fascinating subject.

Well done to those all starting out or a few days, weeks, months, years down the path. You won't regret it. I am still reading most days and cheering you all on from the sidelines.

Instalment 2 (incase it went 💨 again)
Breathmiller really interesting posts and something I’ve been thinking about a lot too. Of course we need rewards, treats and validation. I’m wondering about the link though.
My ponderings are… We need to feel good about ourselves. The inner voice has a LOT to do with this. My inner voice is kind. My DD1’s is brutal. Most people’s are probably inbetween. If we've a kind helpful nurturing inner voice perhaps our validation is intrinsic. If it’s unkind, hurtful or mean perhaps we seek more external validation? Need more praise, rewards etc. This theory of mine doesn’t really explain why I eat sweet stuff though - I think I just fancy it and don’t say no. I don’t really see it as a reward but of deprivation if I deny myself. Exactly as I viewed alcohol! We’ve changed that mindset with alcohol so can we employ the same techniques with sugar? Maybe it’s harder because deep deep down we still believe we are denying ourselves of an alcoholic treat and denying ourselves of another? Really? Maybe our subconscious is saying ‘jeez girl, you quit smoking, then the booze and now sugar?’ Wtf!’
Although as a society we celebrate with food and drink and a lot of sweet stuff; birthdays, graduations, weddings, funerals - food, cake, alcohol. It’s ingrained. But why the sitting in front of the TV chomping on biscuits? Hardly celebratory. Or particularly rewarding. Anyone watch ‘goggle box’? I’m always fascinated by what they’re eating whilst watching. It’s a national phenomenon and habitual. Probably mindless munching. Perhaps it’s this element we should focus on? We are nailing the AF lifestyle so now need to begin eating mindfully. Cake at parties? Absolutely! Box of chocs in front of TV? Possibly not!
Is it to do with keeping our hands busy? In which case I could put out a bowl of carrot sticks and olives.
I’m going to start trying!
Happy BH Monday everyone!

@Breathmiller
I posted before reading your latest. Mine now sounds very flippant. Apologies. You’ve come a long way. Tackled some deep issues by the sound of things too. Please ignore me and my musings!

Happy sober BH Monday everyone!
I'm so happy to report it is day 5 for me - couldn't have done it without you guys though.
@Breathmiller something you said has made such an impression; I woke up today and thought "I'm not drinking today" and simplified the whole thing. Usually by now I'd be in a head spin of "what time can I open the wine/maybe I shouldn't/I could just have 1/I'll wait till later/it is BHM after all open it with lunch" etc. etc. Until my head is reeling.
DH has gone to get some shopping in and will not bring me wine. He is very supportive and for that I feel very lucky.
Hope everyone has a lovely day 💗

Not flipant at all Stayingvigilant all so interesting and useful. Thank you.

I agree with the inner voice thing and often wondered if it is just instinctive in some people. I know that if we constantly face criticism as a child that voice becomes our own. I did EFT for a while with a fantastic teacher and she helped me hear the words that my mum used to say to me in her voice not mine. For years I called myself a greedy pig when I ate anything unhealthy. I heard it in my voice. Then I remembered it as the words she used. They're not mine. And it's her issue, it's pretty much accepted that she has had an eating disorder her whole life. With the help of the EFT teacher and practice I just let go of these words. Just like that. And I could forgive my mum, she had her own issues, it was never about me.

I think some people just have it though naturally, a kind inner voice. And some others find it hard even without an overly critical parent.

Yes, I can relate to the 'treat' food if you like. Cake at birthdays or a little treat at the weekend. But the 'comfort' (which never is a comfort really) eating in front of the telly? That I can do with letting go of. It's mindless eating that's my issue.

I did the Paul McKenna hypnosis at the beginning of the year. I might give it a go again.

Sorry, I know I derail quite often on to food on this thread but it's because I know it comes from the same place as my drinking did.

Day 1… so I’ve tried the moderation thing recently. I’ve managed to cut back on the amount of days I’ve been drinking but found I just drank more on the days I did drink then.
So I am incapable of drinking in moderation. Which I kind of knew anyway…

I don’t enjoy AF drinks, tried enough of those when pregnant. I only really drink (well drank) a couple of things I enjoy. My DH is very capable of moderation. He drinks less often and less than me but I find when I am cutting back, he will get me a bottle of my favourite wine as a treat if he fancies a drink so that’s going to be a hurdle to overcome for us both.

I have 2 young children, days can be stressful and I used wine to relax. I also spend a lot of time out with family and friends who enjoy drinking.

I’ve not drank for 6 weeks before outside of pregnancy. I think it was easier then as it was for charity and I knew it wasn’t forever.

I recently did 10 days thanks to the alcohol experiment, had a busy couple of days then for got to listen and drank again. I have it on audible so will listen on my daily walks I’m starting from today. I’m also reading The Sober Diaries which is inspiring but I let myself go this weekend which has annoyed me.

I was planning on day 1 being next Sunday after some birthday celebrations but actually I want to start my next year of life feeling fresh and healthier so here we go…

Yay!! Welcome day1
That idea of not waiting til after the next celebration is a really good start. There is always a celebration/commiseration/good day/bad day , they can all be celebrated and otherwise without alcohol.

@Breathmiller thank you. That’s what I thought and I always have an excuse as there’s always a celebration.

I rarely drink enough to be ‘really hungover’ but that’s more than likely because I’m used to the feeling and have kids to look after! I want to stop feeling anxious and irritated and I’m definitely worse after a night of alcohol!