The Freedom Thread; for those embracing a life without alcohol.

[Drybird2020]

Welcome to the 7th thread in this series, which has helped me and many others find the way to a life free of and free from alcohol.

Anyone is welcome! Newbies, you will find emotional support, tips for handling cravings, strategies for handling social occasions and plenty of first-hand experiences to mirror your own. An alcohol problem makes you feel lonely and isolated, but you are not alone.

Please be aware that this is an abstinence thread – it can be difficult and triggering in the early stages to be around alcohol related chat (however, it might help to know that one of the gifts of long-term sobriety is not being at all bothered by people drinking or talking about drinking in your presence!) So, if you feel that moderation is for you, or if you feel you need to cut down before stopping, there are other threads in Alcohol Support that can help, or you can start one for the specific support you need.

Oldies, come and share milestones, enjoy the chat, and pay forward the kindness and non-judgemental support we have all benefitted from. And when you have the time, do yourselves a favour by finding where you started and reading through all your posts, it will show you how far you have come and what you have achieved! (I'll add links to previous threads in my next post).

Yes, @Hangingover, I did that too. A last hurrah, kind of. But it was quite a long hurrah.

@CardiganOfDoom, come over here and have a redbush vanilla tea with oat milk and tell us how you're feeling. I can't remember how long you've been booze free .

@HangingOver I think subconsciously I did that. The last few months my drinking increased, I knew I had to do something about it but I was embarrassed to admit it was a problem for me. Dry January saved me - it made it acceptable to stop (too my weird thinking). I did get some comments along the lines of 'but you are going to drink again aren't you?' I knew once I had started on the journey I wanted to carry on.

Well done on the role!

@Drybird2020 - 1 month 15 days, 7 hours, 17 minutes and 21 seconds. Although I don't think my start time was that accurate.

I could embark on an epic here, but I suppose my concern is that I used alcohol, over more than 40 years, to fix myself, and without it I'm left to cope with all my inadequacies. Perhaps I need counselling rather than a support group?

In a quick summary, it started with my first drink suddenly being a fix for the extreme shyness and social anxiety I'd suffered as a child. Then, much later, it also became a friend when I was lonely, when we lived abroad and my husband was working ridiculous hours and I had no friends nearby. And in the last year, it had become the fairy dust that made an evening something to look forward to in lock-down, and that helped my DH and me chatter away and have a social evening after 24 years of marriage. We try now, with the AF beer, but we don't relax in the same way, and after a couple of drinks, we're done.

This is combined with not feeling masses of benefit yet. I am sleeping worse than I did when drinking (and taking Nytol) - although the last three days have been a little better and I managed 6 hours sleep! I'm generally feeling low and depressed, rather than full of energy. (Although I did read something about anhedonia being a common thing when people stop drinking, and that it takes at least 90 days, and maybe twice that, for their brains to recover and react properly to a normal (lower) amount of dopamine.)

I also worry that weirdly, not drinking is not inspiring me to get up and out and do more. We've not rushed to go out now lockdown has eased, but had we been drinking, we would have been over it like a rash - trains for boozy nights out, the cinema, meals with friends etc. Instead, it feels as though it's not worth the effort, when we'd spend more money and eat worse food.

Sorry, this has turned out far too long, so I'll stop here!

I also worry that weirdly, not drinking is not inspiring me to get up and out and do more

Its SO early in your journey though, my love. Some sources estimate your brain isn't back to functioning to the same level as a t total person for two years, although you're right to say a huge amount of change in in the first few months.

You're mentally an emotionally going through the equivalent of falling down some stairs so be really gentle on yourself.

There's this idea that you should treat yourself in the first year of sobriety a bit like you would a toddler. Eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're sleepy and find (sober) soothing mechanisms for when you need soothing. Everything else can wait.

Have you tried SMART recovery? I did their meetings on the reg for the first 6 months of sobriety and it helped me so much. There are meetings are on Zoom. You don't have to join in or even turn your mic on if you don't want, plenty don't. It's CBT based recovery, not God stuff. Maybe give it a go?
And keep posting here. And take your B Vitimins!

I love you lot! Although only 5 months AF I’ve been reading this thread for around a year so feel that I ‘know’ some of you quite well - it’s weird. Would love to know you in RL. So inspiring, supportive and funny.
Huge congrats on your website making job & leading lady in the play @HangingOver
Hope the job stress is easing for you @BunniesBunniesBunnies
I know exactly what you mean by being surrounded by boozy friends @CardiganOfDoom I’m exactly the same and I expect most of us are as that seems to be the kind of society we live in. I’ve been out a couple of times now with friends who’ve knocked back the vino whilst I’ve stuck to AF and we’ve actually had some interesting conversations. I think me quitting has made them think a little bit about their isn drinking. I don’t know anyone who is AF though in RL.
I also have to force myself to go out now I’m not drinking. Just goes to show that some of my friends were drinking buddies rather than friends I really really want to spend time with. That’s quite a sad realisation.
Happy weekend everyone.

cardiganofdoom I'm sorry you are feeling down.

The thing that stood out for me in what you said is that you can still do and can still be all that you are, you just don't need alcohol to do it anymore.

You are not that shy, socially anxious kid anymore. Maybe the alcohol served a purpose for a little bit to help you find that socially 'out there' person that you are. You did that. Not the alcohol. You always had the potential to be chatty and social and enjoy life, you just needed to find that part of you. That's you!

That's who you are. Or at least that's who you know you can be. Alcohol doesn't do that for you. You do that for you.

One of the biggest things I have learned is that all these things you mention, going on train trips, going to the cinema, going out for meals with friends, chatting to dh and then even for me, birthdays, Christmases....all of these things still happen. Alcohol isn't the main part of them. I enjoy them all for their own sake now. And I am more present for them. I remember them. I am 'me' for them. I can still do all of these things. I just don't add booze to them.

I had the best 50th birthday last year. With no alcohol. I honestly remember it so well. I did also have a fantastic 40th 10 years ago when I was absolutely pissed but that was 10 years ago. I think now, at 9 months (and not my first time stopping) I have let go of the guilt of my previous drinking habits. Booze absolutely no longer serves me and that's okay. Not drinking serves me more now.

But it takes a little time. Hangingover is right. You are still at early doors with it all. All these lovely benefits will start to creep in and before you know it you will see how much better life can be. You are doing the hard work now, you will be reaping the rewards in your body already but it may take a bit longer for you to see them.

Keep going
And keep posting. We all understand
That's one of the great things about this thread. When one person posts then there are many more who can absolutely relate. You're not alone.

Just checking in to wave at everyone and to say WELL DONE to @Hangingover for getting a role in a play🤩🤩🤩 Break a leg! Or whatever it is they say in theatre world😅

Well done hanging over! Well done everyone else keeping at it. I had a right wobble this week invited over to a siblings house and a glass of red wine handed to me. I left it back. I'm almost 7 months alcohol free and finding the re-entry to social situations difficult. And without wanting to repeat myself, this only started as a 30 day challenge for me but I kept going because I had a regular habit that annoyed me but didn't drink major amounts or have many hangovers.. but needed a break from thinking about alcohol and the ins and outs of moderating rules. I nearly find it harder to stay the course when tempted cos I've moderated ok in the past and feel like I would potentially do that as in drink 4 or 5 times a year like Ruby Warrington style. But I'm so committed to alcohol free life too it is the simpler option, I've read all the books but arguing with myself a lot this past week and having drinking dreams past two nights that I haven't had in months. I've two trips this summer and cant imagine not having a glass of wine with my best friends on our girls break or with DH on our first trip away from the kids in years...

I know this thread is for people committed fully to AF so I don't want to annoy anyone but I'm sharing this as it's this thread here that encouraged me to keep going with the great stories of sober living. Part of this journey is I guess knowing what's the best option and I'm in that space now. I'd said 90 days...then 6 months ... has anyone else entered no man's land on it?! My early journal work really showed me what doesn't work and why I'm doing this and I've come a long way on it.

Again I'm sorry if I shouldn't share this, I guess I'm still committed but in a wobble.

Hey @Cartooner I do know what you mean.

I guess on some level I’d like to moderate and that would be nice but even I could moderate (and I think that maybe I could) it would just take up so much HEAD SPACE. Like, shall I drink tonight? How much? When can I start? And then tomorrow? Only when I’m out? Or also when celebrating at home? And what happens if I have a really shit day?

And I just can’t be fucked with THINKING about alcohol so much so I’d rather just not drink! It helps that personally I’ve found it fine to socialise without drinking. Luckily I have just as good a time sober plus no hangovers or regrets!

The other thing I’ve found helpful is not looking too far ahead. For now I love not drinking. Maybe that will change in future (though I doubt it), but for now I’m not drinking and it feels great.

So true not looking far ahead. I think I was triggered as they say as I've found it absolutely fine, nay liberating!, to not drink. I've my journal of the first month and it's just gains gains headspace, why did I let it take up so much head space. I hard on myself by default and so a mild headache from a half bottle on a Friday night and I'd be all day giving out to myself.

I don't think I'd have as much of a worry if no one ever again asked me what I was drinking. When I say no I blush a lot, its a thing I hate as I feel like the whole room is reading into my no and I can't control blushing. Then I'm annoyed. That's happened twice and with people who love me and know I've no major backstop they're just puzzled... and yet still I blush and stumble over my no. Argh!

I meant backstory and I should add I've a backstory alright as one comment st Christmas was ' I don't think I've ever heard you say no to a glass of wine' so I'm very much able and willing to drink plenty, I just don't have any reason other people might suspect or know about other than it was taking up too much real estate in my head and it wasn't healthy or remotely 'occasional' in recent months for sure.

I think it’s important to discuss the pull towards moderation here as we all go through thinking it’s possibly doable. But cartooner you didn’t take the wine did you? So that’s huge!!
You’ve raised some important points like having a backstory / justification for being AF; re-entering the social world after all the restrictions we’ve had; unable to imagine events without alcohol.
I agree with the need for a back story and how friends want to know the ‘why’. I don’t think it really matters though if there isn’t. Your truth is fine cartooner - saying you wanted to try a month off and it’s stuck is a perfectly fine justification. I’m saying something very similar.
This is only just becoming an issue as I went AF a few weeks prior to xmas so haven’t been out. Only now am I beginning to socialise a little and justify the not drinking. So far I’ve just said I was drinking too much and wanted to test myself & check I could stop.
I keep wondering if I could moderate but I don’t want to even try as like others have said it requires negotiating boundaries with myself constantly and takes up too much headspace. I’m also rather proud of being 5 months sober. I don’t want to spoil it. If people are interested I mention this too.
I too was really worried about doing the usually enjoyable things without alcohol and finding it really really difficult imagining scenarios without drinking. It’s seemed quite alien. I’m now imaging the same scenario with an AF beer or a mocktail or whatever. Annie Grace has a few YouTube videos on this and I copy her idea. I imagine being at a beach restaurant, (really visualise it), the crisp linen table cloth, the menus, who I’m with, the scenery, sitting at the table, ordering the calamari & sparkly water, chatting and laughing. The whole shabang. I do this for a lot of scenarios. I then start believing it’ll be ok. I do it with even little events like sitting by our firepit with DH. Meeting friends for lunch. Anything where I would have had a drink.

@BunniesBunniesBunnies there's some great science behind that!

I can point you towards the book (it's a neuroscience book - so interesting) if you like but to summarize...

Our brains burn TONNES of calories...and the part of your brain which makes decisions and weighs up options is a really energy greedy part of your brain. So this is the reason why constantly wondering/arguing with yourself about whether to drink tonight or how many to have feels SO exhausting - it literally is! We actually have a finite amount of willpower for this reason.

As soon as you make the decision not to drink, that whole energy sapping area simmers down and stops burning up all that energy. That's why it feels better to make a decision and stick to it.

How cool is that??

Seriously cool!!!

That’s so cool @HangingOver! I definitely feel I have loads more energy for other things now I’m no longer worrying about whether to drink/not to drink.

I also agree that whilst we probably don’t want to talk about actually drinking alcohol (if we are drinking alcohol) on this thread, it’s useful sometimes to mention the desire to moderate (many of us will feel it sometimes...)... And then we can remind eachother of why that’s a shit idea😝

Good morning everyone & happy Monday

I was 4 weeks AF yesterday I done dry Jan/Feb this year then slipped up a few times but all in all I've had around 4 drinks this entire year which I am really proud of, wish I hadn't slipped those few times and I would have been 6 months AF but it's all a learning curve and I know now that alcohol just doesn't serve me, it takes more than it gives and I am now no longer interested in wasting anymore of my life drinking alcohol.

I convinced myself I was never an alcoholic, I was never falling down drunk, never had hangovers or vomited, never drank in the morning, didn't slur words or black out but here's what I did do

I drank every evening & couldn't sleep without having a panic attack unless I had a drink

I would drink anytime after 1pm and often hid my wine glass so my kids couldn't see I was drinking while cooking dinner (started cooking dinner earlier and earlier to use the excuse of pouring that glass, then I would keep the glass of wine hidden behind the kettle so the kids couldn't see it- looking back I can't believe I was hiding alcohol and not realising it was a problem!

I would use alcohol to self medicate anxiety and its only now that I am sober that I've realised alot of my anxiety was caused by or made worse from drinking not the other way around!

I would panic if my husband suggested we don't drink one night, literally panic and start freaking out knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep without it and so I would pour me & him a glass of juice and then I would pour a little gin into mines just so I could sleep that night 😔

And so while I wasnt drinking to get fall around drunk, I wasn't drinking for fun anymore or to socialise with friends I was drinking to feel calm, to settle my anxiety and to able to sleep, this all went on for 2 years.

I woke every single night at 3am/4am in panic mode and literally feel like I was going to die, felt depressed and like I had no soul, yet I continued to drink the following evening knowing how unhappy it was making me and I couldn't understand how I had gotten to that point it was horrible.

Looking back I now know I had a drinking problem, I'm not sure if I was an alcoholic? Probably.

I forced myself to go through the night time panic attack sober, they lasted 4 nights, I forced myself to feel uncomfortable in the evening and feel all the 'anxiety' I was so afraid of and here's what happened

The night time panic attacks disappeared, day 5 it just didn't happen and I woke the next morning so so happy and it has not happened again since, I guess the panic attacks were a type of withdrawal maybe? But they are GONE

My anxiety is gone, I used to think I was dying every day and now I simply don't, I feel more alive now than I ever have!

I've lost just over a stone bringing my bmi down to healthy and I havent even dieted, I am eating ALL the food!

I no longer need alcohol to enjoy myself, I am fully present for every situation and even when stressful things happen I no longer reach for a wine bottle, now I feel the emotions and sit with them and deal with problems head on

I love food now, I enjoy healthy good food, I can afford to order in from our fav restaurant at the weekend now & I cook new delicious food for my family

I have literally transformed from a nervous, worried and anxious person to the happy, relaxed and fun person that I always used to be! I am free and relaxed and just so grateful that I am myself again! I am reading again, going lots of walks and just so positive

4 weeks is early days compared to all you ladies but I just know this is my new life now and I am so excited!

No more hiding alcohol, no more shame and no more needing a drink to deal with life!

Sorry this was all over the place and way too long but I just needed to write everything down! Hope everyone has a lovely week x

hangingover fascinating stuff. And so relatable. That always comes up in my favourite benefit of not drinking. The headspace it gives.

I have also taken to only buying one kind of pants . Bear with me..my knickers are relevant. I don't have to think every day whether these pants are good for this outfit or comfortable when I do this activity. Or do they go with my bra these trousers or....? (I have also only got black bras now and they are all the same kind I've just realised). I don't have to waste my time in the morning choosing and thinking about my knickers. Headspace!

What is the book hangingover ?

Wow, thanks for sharing @Kindleandacuppa.

I found your post hugely inspirational. And congrats on the 4 weeks!🤩

That has made me giggle breathmiller
Huge well done to you @Kindleandacuppa that’s a massive acknowledgement and very reflective. It’ll also help you to stay this way as I think it’s easy to start thinking ‘oh I wasn’t that bad’...
Happy Monday everyone x

Ah, thank you all for your lovely messages. I must admit to a womanly tear in my eye as I read them.

@Hangingover - that's a really good comment, about treating yourself kindly. I tend to beat myself up about eating more sugar, which I really shouldn't do in these early days, especially as I'm maintaining my weight, not gaining as I would if I was on the booze! I think I might try a SMART recovery meeting too, thanks. I've always hesitated to define myself as an alcoholic, and weirdly going to a meeting feels a bit as though I'm doing just that. I do need support though, as I said, and the licence to bore people rigid on the subject.

@StayingVigilant - yes, I think I could say that about some of my friends being drinking buddies. TBH, I was probably as interested in getting to know them better as I could have been – well, If I was, I forgot everything the next day. I need to give it a try, really, and accept that it's a perfectly valid decision to not see certain people as much if I don't want to.

@Breathmiller - you give me hope! I love hearing how you don't miss the booze one bit. I do feel that for me, now, alcohol does seem to be a big part of things. I know that I went to the cinema more for the post film drinks and curry, for example. But I'm getting the faintest glimmerings that things will change. We took my father to the pub - his first trip out from his care home since lockdown, and when my AF beer arrived, I realised that I'd not been sitting there, on edge, until it arrived - I'd forgotten all about it. That freedom from the demon always wanting more felt great!

@Hangingover - I like a bit of neuroscience! What's the book?

Also, I forgot to mention above, someone had recommended B vitamins. It may be coincidental, but my recent streak of good sleep (6 hours - it's good for me!) started when I started taking 2 Novomins 5 HTP dummies every morning. They also have magnesium and a load of B vitamins.

@Kindleandacuppa - that's a fantastic story, thanks. Really inspired me.

@Kindleandacuppa well done, you are doing brilliant!

@StayingVigilant and @Hangingover I feel quite emotional reading your replies, and once again feeling cared for here by strangers because I have something to work with here. Visualisation is an excellent tool and I love a bit of neuroscience myself. Thank you.

I have actually felt inpsired by Dr. Matthew Walker the sleep expert who doesn't drink because of his knowledge of how it impacts sleep. Also, loads of people don't drink out there, I made a list once and can't find it now but they all live great lives and sit on those beaches/italian terraces/cellar restaurants as happy as the person that'll have a hangover the next day!

Thank you for allowing me to mention thoughts of moderation, it's part of this journey too managing those thoughts but I know there's a fine line and don't want to cross it.

They all live great lives and sit on those beaches/italian terraces/cellar restaurants as happy as the person that'll have a hangover the next day! indeed!! And good for us all to remember this.