The Freedom Thread; for those embracing a life without alcohol.

[Drybird2020]

Welcome to the 7th thread in this series, which has helped me and many others find the way to a life free of and free from alcohol.

Anyone is welcome! Newbies, you will find emotional support, tips for handling cravings, strategies for handling social occasions and plenty of first-hand experiences to mirror your own. An alcohol problem makes you feel lonely and isolated, but you are not alone.

Please be aware that this is an abstinence thread – it can be difficult and triggering in the early stages to be around alcohol related chat (however, it might help to know that one of the gifts of long-term sobriety is not being at all bothered by people drinking or talking about drinking in your presence!) So, if you feel that moderation is for you, or if you feel you need to cut down before stopping, there are other threads in Alcohol Support that can help, or you can start one for the specific support you need.

Oldies, come and share milestones, enjoy the chat, and pay forward the kindness and non-judgemental support we have all benefitted from. And when you have the time, do yourselves a favour by finding where you started and reading through all your posts, it will show you how far you have come and what you have achieved! (I'll add links to previous threads in my next post).

@AllhallowseveSo agree about waking up clear headed (although didn't sleep much, too muggy last night) and I just love not having the fear! Go out and have fun and enjoy yourself! Glad you told your BF - yes I know what you mean it makes it real, but it is real and good and right. I think we past drinkers overthink things - part of the alcohol induced anxiety - other people don't care nearly as much as we think they will. Having said all that, I haven't been out for ages (lock down etc), but then out was never my issue - staying in with a bottle for company was my thing! Good luck, enjoy yourself.
Soph

The clear head never gets old! And I find I am kinder to myself, and more in touch with my body. When I was still drinking I assumed that all pains and ailments were down to the booze, and I'd give myself a kicking for drinking, and punish myself by carrying on as normal through a headache or whatever. Now I check in with myself and make time to do things that help, like a bit of yoga or slow down for a while. It's one of the slow burning benefits that I have become more aware of over time.

@SophieB100 I'm a teacher too and was very prone to picking up a bottle on the way home after a tough day. Especially on a Thursday when the week was almost done. Breaking that association was very important for me. You are making excellent progress!

AllHallowsEve I know exactly what you mean by being concerned re going out. I think you may be surprised at how well it goes. I’ve told people in advance and that’s helped me. Think about what you’re going to drink ahead of time too. A lot of places do AF beer or mocktails if that’s ok for you and not triggering. I love the alcohol experiment - everything Annie Grace says resonates!
I’m currently at the driving test centre waiting for my eldest to return. We are out tonight to celebrate/commiserate. It got me thinking that although my girls are (almost) drinking age and surrounded by it at parties, they’re really not interested. Maybe it’s because they’ve seen first hand with me how it can go and now seeing that not partaking is fine. One of them even took my Becks Blue to a party and no one twigged what she was drinking. They just see a bottle and assume. Hilariously one bottle lasts her all night as she doesn’t really like the taste. Again, there’s still a lack of acceptability for non-drinkers, need to fit in and that darn peer pressure.

My DC (21 and 24) hardly drink either.

Apparently over a third of U25s don't drink. Figures of non drinkers in London are very high.

We are trendy!!!!!

It feels a bit weird to be tucked up in bed early with a hot chocolate when it's muggy and still light out

I am desperate for sleep though, am very deprived last couple of nights, just cannot nod off. Also have a new pillow spray to try. wish me luck!

Sweet dreams SoCalledFriend
She passed and we celebrated with ginger beer!
Hope you’ve all had a good AF Friday night.

Morning all

I have woken up after a party in the garden with friends for dh's birthday. No hangover which is fab of course.

Its funny but there were definitely times before and near the beginning where I felt I wasn't joining in and a glass of wine would have been nice but they were fleeting thoughts and not particularly challenging to get over.

I also did my first of buying red wine (my nemesis) for the group. That was a bit odd but I got through it as quickly as I could and it wasn't too bad.

The thing is that we had a brilliant night, lots of food, a great catch up with very good friends and to be honest, we all laughed our heads off. In fact probably me and the designated driver who obviously also wasn't drinking, laughed more than anyone. All good.

But as the evening wore on I found myself irritated by the behaviours as people got more drunk. And I'm afraid to say my dh more than anyone. I knew I never particularly liked pissed dh but it seemed even more obvious when I was sober. He can get a bit into lad banter for want of a better word, as could one of the other men. I just deeply dislike it.

Anyway, I can't quite understand why I feel a bit down this morning. I do have a bit of a tricky situation with a friend at the moment and I'm probably tired from a late night after a long week but I don't know, i feel a bit deflated. I think, at the world a little bit. Why does everything have to revolve around drink so much?

Not in a way of "why does everything have to revolve around drink when I can't join in" but more "why does a fun night out have to descend into nonsense because of everyone getting hammered?"

Does any of this make sense?
We also discussed another friend who is going through a hard time and about to go into rehab for very deep alcohol problem. And here were people discussing it and being supportive about it, while getting pissed themselves. Seems madness. It's like, being teetotal in life is seen as anti social, but having a severe problem with alcohol is also seen as not being good and needs intervention. I do actually think more people have an issue with alcohol than is thought. It's just so acceptable to drink heavily.

Maybe I have a skewed view of it now. I don't want to get holier than thou about not drinking. I really dont. I have always just thought it's just my thing. But after last night, i genuinely feel like WTF are we doing to ourselves as a society?

Anyway, dh has a rotten hangover and to be honest my sympathy may be on the slim pickings side today. I actually felt at one point at going for an early morning swim in a local loch just because I could due to no hangover.

Moan moan moan from a disgruntled but happily hangover free breathmiller

Morning all!
@Drybird2020, Yep teaching could drive a saint to drink sometimes but we don't! Not anymore, not ever!!
@Breathmiller I get it, makes total sense to me. I can totally understand you feeling down and frustrated. I know personally that there was a lot of stuff I used to avoid (family stuff/work stuff/life stuff) by drinking. I'm only 6 weeks dry, so it's early days, but those things are still there, and still need sorting and I can't numb them out anymore. But whilst I'm aware that they will need sorting, I'm being selfish in that I'm just focusing on not drinking, until I feel stronger, more clear headed (still feel a bit foggy brained!) and less tired.

Perhaps it's because you're now seeing things as they really are, not just through the bottom of a glass? Does that make sense? So perhaps you feel low because you know at some point, stuff will need addressing? I don't know, I'm rambling. Just go easy on yourself, and be proud, because although you feel like you do today, you are clear headed and when the time is right for you, you can slowly start unpicking stuff and tackling it - but only when it's right.

I've got a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, and my adult DCs and their partners have booked a lovely surprise lunch out. I feel ok about it because it's a lunch, not dinner, so am already thinking about nice AF drinks. They think I'm just doing one of my little dry spells (like dry Jan), so don't know I've quit for good. I don't feel ready to tell everyone yet - I'm still getting my head around it myself. But, it's a clear head (when it's not foggy) - so that's good.

Have a lovely day all.
Soph

I do hear you Sophie and can see how alcohol is used as an avoidance tactic about things qe need to work on. I'm not sure that's how I feel in this instance though. More that it would be nice if my normally lovely dh wouldn't turn into a dickhead when drunk. No one else seemed to mind though and took it all in good humour and he certainly wasn't the only one. I am softening now. A good night was had by all and I just need unclench about silly stuff. Ot was all done lightheartedly and everyone needed to let their down (including me even sans alcohol). I can now focus on the laughter and the fun and let go pf the other bits.

(Still feeling smug about not having a hangover though )

Their hair down. Not sure what you could have filled in that blank but there was only the letting down of the hair

Waves at all the newbies! Remember any alcohol free time is good, it builds the habit of not drinking and helps change your mindset.
Just over 3 years here. I sometimes think that I wasnt that bad and then remember some of the all day drinking!
I was using alcohol to hide from reality, and while I haven't entirely cured the behaviour (sugar 🙄) it is so much better now.

@Breathmiller I totally get where you're coming from . I feel like my eyes have been opened and my whole life " good times" have revolved around alcohol.
It's also made me realise that a few people close to me have a problem with drink for sure .
It's a very strange place to be at the beginning of all this . Friends complaint they are tired and wondering why even though they drank a bottle of wine the night before - no hangover doesn't mean that you don't feel the effects in different ways . I am far from holier than thou also (Iv always been a terrible binge drinker) and I wouldn't say anything but it's really eye opening .
Congrats tho on your alcohol free evening .

Thanks allhallowseve i did have a great evening. And it has made me even more sure that I have done the right thing. And maybe that this can be be more normal than what I used to think was normal. I like this way much better. I might not have felt great this morning but I know I would have felt a whole lot worse if I had been drinking. I couldn't cope with the beer fear anymore. Or more, I'm not willing to. I know the others won't mind that they were how they were. But it used to eat me up that I'd made an arse of myself. Maybe they are made of sterner stuff? Who knows? But i am glad I don't drink.

Great to hear from you ohdearshirley 3 years is great. So inspiring.

Hello all 👋

I am dipping my toe into the sober waters.

I posted two weeks ago on my own thread and then found the dry threads and have been reading them all since then.

My problem is binge drinking when I am out with friends. I can kind of take or leave it otherwise - I usually share a bottle of wine with my DH of a weekend, not every weekend. I am very shy and so use alcohol to loosen up.... but then I don't seem to be able to stop.

I have been dry for two weeks but there is nothing unusual in that.

However, I have a long standing arrangement for this evening - dinner with 5 friends. I have already decided to drive but I know my friends will raise an eyebrow (it is a joint thing for our 40ths) as I would usually be the one leading the charge on the wine.

I don't want to be that person anymore and I think the only way to do this is complete sobriety. I have been thinking about moderation but having read all the threads I can see now that this just doesn't work for everyone and wouldn't work for me in social situations.

My aim is 100 days which ties in nicely with my DC going back to school and then to see where I am at.

I love all of your descriptions of AF life and I want some of that too.

Thanks @Drybird2020 - I wonder how many people your threads have helped to see the light?

Hi @Adventuresat40 This is a lovely supportive thread, I hope you post regularly and get lots of support. Enjoy this evening, tell us how it went - just play the tape forward - imagine how rough you would feel tomorrow if you feel tempted. Think how lovely it will be to go to bed tonight with a clear head, no guilt or remorse! And tomorrow without a hangover will be fab.

I am so grateful for @Drybird2020 for this thread, it is a great source of support.
Hope everyone is ok @Breathmiller glad your day got better, and you did do the right thing. This is normal - sober is normal. I often think back to my childhood (many moons ago ) and can remember times when I was carefree and so bloody happy - that was authentic, that was real. No booze, nothing - just happy with life. We are still those people, but grown up! We don't need a substance, a drug, (which is a depressant) to make us happy! We can't control it and have just one, or even two, so we have none. That's our normal. And it's far better than the alternative for us isn't it?
Soph

Evening all.
So pleased you had a great evening breathmiller and although the temptations niggled they were brief. Huge well done. I know exactly what you mean by annoying drunks. A shame one if them was your DH though. Do we leave early (when we are not hosting)? Or learn to not let it annoy? We can only control our response can’t we?
Hope everyone’s having a good AF weekend and aren’t getting burnt. Did you see the red arrows today @Hangingover? I’m pretty sure you mentioned your play was in Cornwall. Hope that’s going well too.

Thank you for the welcome @SophieB100

@Breathmiller I had similar feelings last night. I was AF with this particular group of friends for the first time in a very long time. I left quite early in the end - we had a table outside but the restaurant's licence meant we had to move inside at 10pm, the only table they had available inside was for 4 people and so me and one other (who has a tiny baby) left and I gave her a lift home. We live in London where driving isn't that easy and parking even worse so it is an unusual decision to drive on a night out but due to Covid I think people are doing it more. The (hotel) restaurant was fancy though so they valet parked my car for me (the cost of parking was about the same as a large glass of wine) which is hilarious given I drive a beaten up hatchback with two crumb stained car seats in the back. They also did amazing AF cocktails.

I feel great today and usually I would have a huge dose of FOMO but I really don't. I remember everything that was said and I know I wasn't a dickhead. I also spent a good deal less. I also enjoyed the food more as I wasn't concentrating on guzzling more wine than everyone else.

DH offered me a glass of wine when I got in though 🙄 he really doesn't want me giving up drinking with him.

I am going to start reading some quitlit - I have been keeping notes on my phone of recommendations on the threads. It is shocking how drinking alcohol has become the normal thing to do. It's actual madness.

My mum is in St Ives at the moment - poor thing booked this week away last year before she knew about the G7 thing and is now stranded in her holiday apartment because of all the road closures but the weather looks amazing and she got to see the red arrows.
Tell us about the play @HangingOver, what part do you have?
(I feel like a stalker having read all of these threads 😬).

Yayy! You did it @Adventuresat40 Well done.

If you haven't read The Unexpected joy of being sober by Catherine Grey, start with that...I think you'd really enjoy (if that's the right word) it. Very relatable to me. Also Sober Mummy Diaries is good. The Grey one is currently 99p on Kindle, if you have one!

Enjoy your hangover free day. Bit concerning that DH isn't on board - concerned that it throws a spotlight on his intake perhaps?

Take care all - enjoy the sunshine!

Soph

Well done adventures. Yeah, that's what I like about me not drinking. I know I wasn't a dickhead. Well, no more than normal. It also means there isn't the fear beforehand of potentially being a dickhead.

Maybe there's the next title drybird Freedom from being a dickhead (more than normal)
And yes, I agree on the gratitude to drybird for starting these threads. How many people have been helped by them? Many many more than just post I bet. 🙏🏼 so thank you

Another AF benefit - I hung my dress up when I got in last night. i hung it up!!

Usually it would be a crumpled mess at the side of my bed, possibly with a drop or two of wine on it. I would have to get it dry cleaned but, no, it is hung up and after a little freshen it will be ready for another outing.

So - the savings from last night are about £30 for not getting uber, probably about £40 for not drinking cocktails and wine and £8 for not needing my dress cleaned. I mean, I don't usually go out to expensive places but it shows how much I have wasted in the past.

Yes, i definitely wake up to less chaos after a night out or a party at home. I'm even much more likely to clear up the house and garden, do the dishes and fill the dishwasher.

I like how socialising of an evening doesn't take up my whole next day/s either with a hangover or a major clear up.

Well done @Adventuresat40 you did it!!

I have a similar group of friends and posted up thread about how daunting that first party was where I didn't drink. I lied and said I couldn't drink due to meds but I had such a good time, I think it has paved the way for me so next time I can just say I couldn't have enjoyed myself more so I have decided to quit.

They won't be happy about it. I always do Dry Jan, and Sober October, and they usually joke about me "needing new friends" if I quit permanently. I don't think they mean it, but as PP have said, it does throw light on their own disordered drinking which nobody wants do they?

I am still finding sleep difficult but will persevere. I don't miss alcohol at all, I am glad to be free of it.

I was just looking at my diary at what I am doing next weekend. I am meeting a friend for lunch. I am driving which means we have a wider range of options, means I can collect and return her home (she doesn't drive) means I will save £££ on the lunch as we would usually drink a bottle of prosecco each and then have a vodka or something. And best of all, I won't have to spend Sunday feeling like shit, unable to do anything productive, and hating myself.

socalledfriend what’s happening with your sleep? Are you waking early? Not able to get to sleep? Maybe we’ll have some ideas. Before being AF I used to wake at 3am and then be a nightmare to get back again. Now I sleep right through but do have trouble unwinding (mostly because I’m looking through MN).
Yes we’ll done Adventures and welcome! Hanging your dress up - love it! Very naughty of your DH to be offering you wine when you’ve quit. Does he realise you’re serious? My DH still drinks but never ever offers me any. He knows this is forever. Ive made it very clear. You mentioned quit lit. I like Naked Mind and also Alcohol Explained. There’s lots of podcasts too. After doing ‘The Alcohol Experiment’ for a month, which meant listening/watching a video each day, I felt ‘I know it, understand it, get it and can do this’ so haven’t ever finished the books. I keep meaning to listen to some podcasts or FB uploads that are pertinent and reaffirming but haven’t got around to it. I do find this thread massively helpful. In fact I’ve no idea what I’d do without it. Everyone’s fabulous!
I’ve had a lovely sunny weekend in the garden and drunk my body weight in ginger beer and eaten an awful lot of ice creams.

I can't actually get off to sleep. I suspect my body is used to sort of passing out in an inebriated state as I was a daily drinker, about ten units a day.

It wasn't as bad last night, I probably nodded off around 1am but I am used to going to sleep around 10 and getting up at 7. I am someone who needs 9 hours to feel human.

@socalledfriend are you doing The Things? Exercise during the day, turn off screens an hour before bed, no caffeine after noon, have a warm bath, milky hot drink or camomile tea, meditation, bedtime yoga, lavender oil on pillow...I'm sure there are more.