Stopping drinking for a while - part 2

[Patbutcherismyhero]

Hi all, a new thread as requested. Hope to see you all here shortly x

Hi All .
I have been missing for a while because I am having to get up a stupid o.clock for work over the past few weeks , and while I can put a quick post on other threads I like to sit down and have a proper read on this one.

I am still AF , I think it is about day 60 but I can not actually remember what the date was when I last had a drink ( it was a bit before the 1st thread started ) .
I can empathise with everyone that said their sleep was / is disturbed , mine was for the first week or so but it does get better .
A good friend came round a few days ago and gave me about 6 lb of sloes and rosehips that they had picked while out walking their dog as in the past we have picked them together for me to make wine out of them , he said he will drop of some empty wine bottles in a few weeks for me to fill once the wine is ready .
So now I have a couple of demijohns of wine bubbling away to themselves they wont be ready for about 6/ 8 months but it reminded me I have about twenty bottles of homemade wine waiting to be drank

@ErinBrockovich
It must be annoying to have DH reminding / telling you not to drink to much but I can empathise with him a bit , my DH was a heavy drinker and a couple of times ( perhaps 3 times over as many years ) I had to get him from the pub because he was to intoxicated to get home on his own despite the pub only been a 10 min walk way . it was both embarrassing and hard work to get him home as he was not just a bit drunk but almost unable to walk. And although it is only a short walk we have to walk through a unlit park ( or walk for 20 mins to get round it ) I felt very vulnerable as there is no way I could of done anything if any unsavoury sort had approached us .
I am not saying it is the same for you but despite that been many years ago it still plays on my mind sometimes even though Dh died several years ago.

@ErinBrockovich I can see why that would be really frustrating for you. We have all been in situations where we've drank too much and done daft things or had to be taken home and it's not nice to be constantly reminded of these occasions, especially when 90% of the time you can go out and drink responsibly with no issues.

My dp is always super smug when I have a hangover which is deeply annoying and then leads to me getting even more irritable and moody. So I guess that's what he means by my hangovers ruining the day but he is at least partly responsible too! Either way it's not a good state to get in and when I reflect on how many days I must have lost to hangovers in my life it's pretty upsetting.

Alcohol has been such a big part of my life socially for so many years. The night out on Friday just wouldn't have been possible without a drink. It wouldnt have been enjoyable for me or the people I was with so it was either a case of drink or don't go. But I guess I will have to get used to saying no a bit more because the hangovers, tiredness, anxiety, over eating and relationship trouble that comes with it just isn't worth it.

But I can totally resonate and understand why it was annoying for your partner to make those comments though, that's not really helpful. My dp is a few years older than me and not as sociable so he rarely finds himself in this positions which makes him a lot more judgemental and superior when I do.

That kind of pre going out lecture used to make me get drunk - brought out my inner teenager. There was plenty of times xh was drunk too - funnily enough he didn't need a lecture before he went out

I know he had a point the thing is someone reminding you of something you are ashamed of makes you feel like shit which reinforces that behaviour... totally counter productive for me

@fluckityfluckfluck I agree. I think there's a big difference between genuine concern and lectures for the sake of superiority. I often lose the moral high ground due to behaving badly or being obnoxious/loud/silly when drunk. But while my dp might be better behaved, it doesn't change the health implications of his daily drinking too. He just does it a lot more quietly

@AlCalavicci so sorry to hear about your DH passing away and I totally understand what it must have felt like to be on the receiving end, especially with a much bigger and stronger male.

The thing I liken it to is when there is infidelity in a relationship and one person agrees to forgive the other and continue but then reminds them of it at every opportunity. So for example might not want them to go out for work drinks and when the other objects they say ’well you’re the one who cheated’ or similar. The throwing it back in their face thing. The ongoing punishment. I feel like you can’t say you forgive but then use it against them.

Maybe I’m being a bit too simplistic and I know that relationships are more complicated then that. I get he must still have the fear that I’ll injury myself or get hurt by someone or fail to get home safely but I also feel like that was years ago and not a reoccurring, regular pattern.

It was more frequent when we were younger undoubtedly. But once or twice in 7 years feels too infrequent to still be mentioning it practically every time I go out for drinks with someone. I guess it does come down to the fact he doesn’t trust me or my decision making when alcohol is involved. And a little part of me doesn’t blame him for that but then there’s that much bigger part of me that resents it, feels like I’m being treated like a child and walking on eggshells the whole time around the subject of alcohol.

@Patbutcherismyhero sometimes I also feel like I can’t defend myself when I’m hungover because I’m suffering the inevitable anxiety, poor sleep, sick feeling in the stomach and self-doubt. Am I being unreasonable wanting to have a bottle of wine to myself on a Saturday night? Most people would probably say that’s fine, your at home, it’s with a meal or over a couple of hours etc but somehow he makes me feel like by doing this I’ve got a massive problem.

Like I said, one of my motivations for going AF for 30 days is to be able to take away those hungover feeling so I can see things a bit clearer.

Hi everybody! Day 8AF today for me, the relief at not thinking about alcohol is immense. Last night did not miss the wine at all, normally on a Saturday night I would be itching to open a bottle! We went on a lovely family walk this morning and it was great to not have a thick head due to too much wine-although I did have a headache due to stupid sinus issues 😡

@ErinBrockovich If you're drinking at home and not becoming aggressive or argumentative or in any other way unpleasant to be around then what's his issue? Is it health concerns or maybe he finds you change in terms of personality/company after a drink?

My dp tends to only get the hump when I go out because that inevitably leads to a binge and a late night. He certainly can't complain about me drinking at home as he does it too, probably more so.

It's ridiculous how much drama it can cause though. Sometimes it's just not worth it. I do think you need support not judgement though. And you're doing a good thing by really evaluating your motives for the 30 day goal. I'm presuming it's not purely to get one over on your dp

Ha ha @Patbutcherismyhero I enjoy drinking too much for that to be my motivation.

His justification is that I drink to get drunk so whether it is at home or out, 2 large glasses of white or the best part of a bottle and a half I never stop after one. He says it makes him feel anxious and I’m unpredictable.

If I have one bottle on a Saturday night at home, he’s unlikely to bring it up but a drop more and it’s an issue. Regardless of whether I’m sat on the sofa next to him the entire time.

My kids have left for a week - normally this would equal a lot of wine so instead I'm rebelling by having this for dinner

@ErinBrockovich in what way are you unpredictable? Does he have a point or is he being a bit controlling?

@fluckityfluckfluck that looks immense.

@fluckityfluckfluck that looks 😋🙌🏻🙌🏻

Congrats on day 8 @Seashell80

@ErinBrockovich is he controlling in other areas of your life or supportive? Is him reminding you of past misdemeanours a way of putting you down or is he genuinely worried and anxious about your drinking? I did think it was interesting that you chose not to tell him you were going to stop for a while.

@fluckityfluckfluck thank you, I have celebrated with a glass or two of an AF aperitif called Everleaf, really nice with tonic-bit like Aperol I believe 😋

@Patbutcherismyhero and @Railingsohno I’m honestly unsure.
So unpredictable in his book translates to I might decide to walk to the shop at the end of our road to buy cigarettes
He sees this as something I wouldn’t normally do, as I don’t smoke when sober (but regularly do so when drinking so have just run out).
That’s as wild as I get when drinking at home.
Controlling is such a loaded term. Im not sure I want to label him that but we disagree about whether he has a problem with anxiety. I think he does.
@fluckityfluckfluck that looks amazing. I’m not sure I’ll be losing any weight over the next 30 days!

@ErinBrockovich so if for example you messed up at work or fell out with a friend, would he be nice and try and make you feel better or would he take it as an opportunity to bring you down? Do you feel he’s on your side is the bottom line?

The reason I’m asking is right from the beginning you’ve talked a lot about him and his reactions to your drinking.

How would he react if you told him you were taking a break from it?

Ps @ErinBrockovich I forgot to say really well done on the AF 👍🏻

Yeah generally he’s on my side. He’s quite supportive of me starting my own business despite having spent many years as a SAHM (so a big change for us).
The relationship has issues, that I cannot deny. He says he doesn’t like me going out with friends because of the drinking side of things but this is only 5 or 6 times a year - I don’t have a big friendship circle as I said in one of my other posts. Then a couple of years ago I took up a hobby that had nothing to do with alcohol and he objected based on the fact it took me out of the family home a lot. I ended up giving it up because I couldn’t be doing with the arguments it caused and he took all the enjoyment out of it. I thought given our children were young at the time, he had a point and I should wait until they are older.
He checks bank statements every day and will question me about any purchases he doesn’t recognise, but I have equal access to funds and don’t have to ask permission. I guess from that perspective I have no financial privacy rather then him being financially controlling.

@ErinBrockovich Hmmm to me it sounds like he doesn't like you going out and doing things alone. Perhaps that's why the alcohol issue comes up as an excuse to make you feel bad about going out drinking with friends? But then if he's also doing it when you're at home and doing nothing more wild than popping to the corner shop it doesn't really stack up.
Sorry I hope you don't think we are here to over analyse your relationship, that's totally not the point of this thread. It's just what you said earlier resonated with me a bit because my dp sometimes gives me the guilt trip about my behaviour when drunk.
However I probably deserve it and if he started trying to tell me what to do in my own home then I wouldn't like it at all.

@Patbutcherismyhero I appreciate the discussion because I’m not sure if my drinking is the real issue here or not.
I might talk to him at some point this week about re-starting that hobby and see how it goes.

@ErinBrockovich good luck with your chat. I know families work as a team but remember you’re an equal adult and you need his permission. Lockdown has brought some issues to the fore with my relationship too.

You are doing brilliantly 💗

Arghhh I mean you’re an equal adult and you DON’T need his permission