Tryers to be dryers spring into spring, not as much wine, beer or gin. We sow our seeds of hope for a dryer season, but if we drink, it's for a reason.

[Frouby]

Thread 5 for Tryers to be Dryers. A thread for those who want support for moderating or reducing alcohol. Whatever you hope to do, whether it's to have more dry days, or be less wet when you do drink, come and join us for support.

Absolutely no judgement here, just friendly support and chat, the odd swear (lots of swears to be honest). All welcome, new and old tryers to dryers.

Been reading in the bath.
I am lol at the herbs. I can't believe there has been a wedding! Big congrats Madame forest.
I'm sorry to all of you having bad times with ill health and shitty partners.

I finished the Claire pooley book today. Next read is unexpected joy of being sober.

After my 1 glass at lunch I have non in house and am into pjs shortly. So for a bank holiday that is a win for me.

Enjoy the Monday everyone. Shame it's so bloody cold.

I shall be watching line of duty and going to bed without sleeping tablets or a fear of 2am wine waking. I really am a shit sleeper and wine is not by friend for this main reason.

More good moderating, Cotton. Bath is a good idea. I might have one from now until 10PM. AF so far.

Worrying now if it's too late for me, and I have killed my liver, even if I gave up completely now (which I won't). God, aren't I Mrs Misery today.

Dion big hugs. And well done on being AF on a bank holiday. The brits do it better having bank holidays on Mondays. Our May Day holiday was on Wednesday and there is another this Wednesday.
Cotton one drink only is good.
I think I will be scraping the windscreen at 6.30am tomorrow morning. Unusual for May. Thank goodness I haven't had time to buy and put out my bedding plants yet. Guinea pigs covered up in anticipation of 0C

NC4, it's really great to hear you are feeling so much better.

I had a cannabis tea and felt really chilled, kind of a bit stoned. No idea if it's a good idea to swap one vice for another but for now am just going with whatever works. Totally knackered though, which might have helped.

There was an interesting report into CBD in today’s Observer Longest. It could be very revolutionary. I used to love a doob in my younger years but wouldn’t touch the stuff now for the paranoia and criminal associations, but CBD seems to circumvent them. I’m tempted.
Dion I doubt XH was good with you but not the kids. Is it not just that you prioritised their needs? Would you consider some counselling? It’s very hard to recognise when your self esteem is battered.
I’m a bottle of red in. Line of Duty was too tense. I’m still within my WW points though and I’m back to AF tomorrow.

This is just a flying visit as I'm busy adjusting to a new rhythm of organizing life - kids went back to school yesterday and Ramadan started today. Wanted to send to the lovely Dion and say welcome and well done to cotton.

Thank you, Leaving - that is v sweet of you.

NC4, that's a tricky one. XH was ok with me. But as I kept telling him, his behaviour towards our DC was far more hurtful to me than anything he could have done directly to me. I did have to walk on eggshells the whole time, trying to protect them from his outbursts, and trying to make sure they didn't do anything to set him off. I never, ever saw this side to him before they were born, and he was fine when they were babies. It was when they started to have minds of their own that the problems started. I think, too, he was jealous of them. In the 'who would you save from a burning building' scenario, he'd have saved me rather than them. Needless to say, I'd have saved the DC before either of us!

I did have a bit of counselling via the GP, but I didn't find it enormously helpful. However, that was probably because it was not the right type of counselling. The counsellor was very nice, but she didn't seem to 'get' it. Plus it feels very tiring to go over it all. I did also try with the hypno guy, but again I felt too tired to re-visit 20 years of things going wrong. I should perhaps try again, though.

Longest, I definitely want some cannabis tea!! Where did you get your DH's? Anything is worth a go...

Dion it was just from our local butcher, randomly. It's a bit of a treasure trove in there, they have random deli stuff like Turron and whole octopus. I am sure it can be bought online though and is probably cheaper. It's pricey, but cheaper than wine, or even AF wine I guess. Interesting NC4, I suppose I am worried about side effects before I start lauding it too much but did the article mention any? Or any that sound worse than drinking?

Bad parenting alert, we just put the DC in front of a film downstairs and watched Game of Thrones in bed. It was literally Netflix and chill as well, but no less illicit for that. Even better, DH was the one to get up with the DC and sort their breakfast first, and brought me back coffee in bed. Baby steps but that's the kind of partnership I have been missing. He does seem a little better in some ways. His digestion is not great but selfishly that affects me less!

Bonus, the DC haven't even killed each other, they are making houses for their teddies out of shoe boxes and glittery paint. Dd1 in particular is in a very sweet phase. Long may it last!

Dion I am no expert but I think there are different types of therapy. One that looks at coping mechanisms for the future rather than dwelling on the past might suit you better. You're a good person Dion, with a lot to offer, I have commented on your warmth before, it shines through.

Just video-called dsis and DN. She looks really poorly. I think she has slapped cheek, which is a bit of a worry as dsis is pregnant and it's one to avoid apparently. I think it's low risk though so will try not to fret. I suggested she didn't video call DN though or she will go into a spin.

Just a quickie as off to work, no Bank Holiday here! Interesting article in the Guardian about moderate drinking today:
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/may/06/heres-why-moderate-drinking-is-probably-not-good-for-you?CMP=fb_gu&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR0vMAL7wNCVW5PWHNbLKrrTModjmRDsOl4FkyvFYAY1DKEJqzHv1j6O0MY#Echobox=1557128407
Dion hope you are feeling better this morning

Hi everyone. A very stressed, canshop checking in. Lots of you doing brilliantly with moderating and being AF. I feel a failure and the weekend has been a write-off. I found out on Friday that my 14 year old DD has been seen by quite a few people hanging out with one of the notoriously bad boys in our town. He’s been excluded from school (not sure why) rumoured to have hit his ex-gf and his best mate is known for thieving (probably drugs related). He is also 16 - marvellous!

I’ve been feeling sick with worry. Posted on the teens board for advice but everyone said to embrace him, love bomb, invite him round accept etc and she would probably lose interest. Every fibre of my being felt that was wrong - what if she just got in deeper? Instead I’ve spoken to DD to ask her about this boy. They are not actually going out yet but she does like him and didn’t realise when they met how bad he was etc. I asked if she was proud to be associated with him and she said no. Her friends have been warning her off and they don’t like him. She did get upset and said she can’t help how she feels but she seems to accept that she can’t carry on. At least I am praying that she doesn’t. I have been so worried and feeling like a failure as a parent. Have I given her too much freedom to go out to town etc. I trusted her to make good decisions. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing or not.

Sorry to offload on here. I know others on here have much bigger worries but I’m at my wits end and so far from being AF!

If any of you have got any words of wisdom, I’d love to hear them.

No failings there CanShop. 14 is a really difficult age. They are starting to get their independence and break away from their parents but don’t have the street smarts yet.
This could actually be a really useful experience for her in terms of setting boundaries and making good choices.
I don’t know about you, but most of what I’ve learned in life has been from making mistakes.
It doesn’t sound like she’s gone off the rails, skipping school, taking drugs etc. She’s just fallen for a bad boy (haven’t we all at some point).
With any luck she’ll see him for what he is and set her bar higher.
I’d talk to her about healthy relationships and how it’s good to know you can walk away if you aren’t comfortable with anything.
And vent here all you like

CSWS, so sorry to hear it, fuck me they’re a worry aren't they, teenagers?

How much of a bad boy is he? What do you know about him? Why does dd like him? Have they been talking online?

I think sometimes teenagers want you to come down hard on them, they want boundaries, like toddlers. And some of the arguments we have with them are them testing us to find out where the line is and to check our moral compass (they are very sanctimonious!). They perceive risk in different ways to us and they cannot see ahead, hence their being risky drivers - they just don’t always think ahead. It’s a hard one I think. My dd (15) was talking online to some fucker, also 16 and she asked could she meet him in a town near us, last Christmas. I said yes of course but we will be there too and he can meet us as well. We read her diary and turned out he was planning to have sex with her. She doesn’t know that we read it or know this but anyway, the threat of our turning up meant he cancelled, the little arse wipe. He eventually blocked her, presumably because it wasn't going anywhere. Her diary also said he'd sent her video of him wanking. Charming.

Anyway, so, I think my advice is invite him over! It will make it un illicit, or whatever the word is, you can see what you think of him and it might make her less attractive to him tbh. God sorry, maybe that’s not good advice but i think it’s what id do.

Longest, I don’t think thats bad parenting (unless your kids are 1&2!) - we have a lock on our bedroom and sometimes say we are watching a film and to please leave us alone when actually we’re um, not. The fast and the furious (ha!) is very loud so we put that on as cover 😂 it probably looks like we’ve watched it hundreds of times on Netflix but actually we just keep putting on the first 20 minutes 😂

Dion, good for you, you protected your children 💐
I bet your liver isn’t fucked you know but I do know the feeling, I have similar worries. The only thing that stops them is either not drinking or moderating, whenever I'm binging I panic.

Thanks NC4 and waterandlemonjuice. I really appreciate your advice. I am hoping that because they are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend that I’ve managed to nip things in the bud. That’s why I’ve taken the ‘warning her off him’ stance at the moment.

NC4 - I’ve certainly learned from making mistakes so fingers crossed this is an early life lesson for her without it being too disastrous.

Waterandlemonjuice - Well done on handling your DD’s situation. That could have gone very wrong for her. I don’t know the boy at all but I’ve got it on good authority that he’s bad. Permanently excluded from school so I don’t know what he does all day. Because his best friend is known for theft, I worry that there’s drugs involved. My gut feeling is that DD is a bit out of her depth and almost wanted me to take the situation out of her hands which is another reason I haven’t gone down the ‘invite him round for tea’ route yet. However, if she ignores my advice and carries on seeing him then I might have to change tack to ‘ok, bring him round and let’s get to know him’. I am hoping that because her friends also disapprove this will be the added influence for her to stay away.

If you think she’s out of her depth and seeking boundaries, maybe bring her curfew in a bit and take her phone. Or say she’s not allowed into town or whatever.
If she has to go home at 8pm she’ll suddenly seem very young to a 16 year old and hopefully it’ll fizzle.

It's such a difficult age Canshop, my dd is 14 and so far have had no bother. But we did have a chat a few months ago about a lad that lives at the back of us.

He lost his mum to breast cancer a few years ago and she was on her own with him and his 2 brothers, so they haven't had it easy. The older brother (early 20s) is currently in prison for being involved in so.e horrible riots 2 years ago. Their nan is bringing them up now and struggling a little bit I think. Lad is always polite to me but is having problems at school with behaviour. Lashing out, disrupting lessons, explosive when confronted about behaviour. Which given what they have been through isn't unexpected.

At one point he and dd were close friends and teachers were coming to bring her out of lessons to sit with him until he clamed down. I did ring her H of Y and ask for that to stop though as I am not comfortable with either dd missing lesson time or being in with an explosive 14 year old taller than her.

We had a chat about him and her friendship. And about the choices people make, and although it's understandable he is struggling and we should have sympathy for him, not all children who are bereaved act out and that regardless of what has happened, it's not the teachers fault or other members of his class. Said she should continue to be his friend, but make it clear she wouldn't be getting involved in any more issues at school, but he could always talk to her outside of school etc.

I don't know if I did the right thing, and I feel desperately sorry for this boy and hos family but I could see dd getting more and more involved. And he's not actually a Bad Lad, but can see him getting to that point sadly.

Off to fat club for my first weigh in later. Feels very like a sunday here. Been to the allotment and pottered around, got everything ready for a roast chicken dinner after I have been and then having an early night. Probably be dry, or just have 1 g and t.

Don't know how much weight I will have lost but definitely feel better for not having lager. Not as bloated.

If your gut feeling is that she wanted you to take the decision out of her hands I bet you’re right, so you’re doing the right thing I think. Teenagers, sob, they’re hard!

Thanks again NC4. Yes, I’ve said she’s not allowed in town for a while. I think she needs some distance from this boy.

Canshop my DD is 18 now, and the fact that your DD told you all about this boy when you asked is good news. The fact that her friends are warning her off him is even better. I don't think you should do anything for the moment. She isn't hiding anything from you and it sounds like she already knows what he is like.
You are a great mother - she didn't go silent on you or shout at you either, so don't beat yourself up unnecessarily.
Frouby I hope Fat Club results in a few lost pounds for you (weight rather than money)

Thanks Frouby. I think you did the right thing with your DD. Your priority has to be your child and if anything is impacting too greatly on them then you have to act. As we’ve all acknowledged, I think 14 is a tricky age. They are learning how to be independent and make their own decisions but they still need parenting and guidance. I think sometimes we have to step in and take the reins back for a while. We are also having roast chicken for dinner - my fave. Good luck with fat club.

Waterandlemonjuice - I bloody hope so! When we were having the big talk the other day I did ask her if she would have preferred it if I’d have said it was ok and given her the go ahead to carry on and she said no. I hope that was true.

Thank you Madame Forest It certainly doesn’t get easier does it - you just end up swapping one set of problems for another.

Btw, ds is 22 and called me just now to say he was at a railway station and couldn't find platform 3 😂 how TF I’m supposed to know where it is from 60 miles away I don’t know! told him to ask someone and he’s texted to say he managed to get on the train so obviously worked it out 😂 so they may always need us!

Agh Canshop, what a worry kids are. I don't think you have done anything wrong at all - it's a tale as old as time. Sounds like you managed to get to her while she was still in unsure stage. The love bomb thing is good to have in reserve. I dread dd1's teen years - she is going to be stunning and impulsive. I was neither so have no frame of reference.

Kids are 7 and not quite 4. They didn't set fire to the place so I consider that a win.