Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

[mirage999]

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

TBH I don't think it's ever easy to give up a child NT or SN. I would say most people who give up a child struggle with it even if they know that's the best thing to do in their circumstances.

oh of course. I just mean that being pregnant and thinking ;
"agh I can't cope with disability' is actually very different from holding your child.

For those that didn't watch a mum to alex this is one of the birth mother's talking about when her son was born and discovering he had DS.

However I would hope that she would get a lot more support if she was to have had him now and not 20 years ago.

sorry a mum like alex

have just read it and am crying again - what beautiful children. Alex has a real passion for those kids and vice versa. What a wonderful purpose.

Jute what a beautiful film. Your kids are gorgeous.

Ok, I commend those people who stand in support of the OP, yes she is pg, yes it's an emotional time, yes we all have concerns when we are pregnant...none of that is wrong...
But i'm sorry, what is so hard to understand is the fact that she is already a mum of two, she knows what it is to hold a vulnerable new born baby in her arms, squished and battered from birth...she knows how much that child needs love and protection...and she knows the feeling that noone can be to your child what you can be...in my mind surely if that squished and battered baby is SN it needs love more, not less, than any 'perfect' baby...surely you want to protect it more? Or should we take the next step and provide no ressus to premies...I mean there may be problems later, and well, lets face it...the first few weeks/months are not really conducive to a smooth and 'happy' (inverted commas as I do not intend to detract in anyway from the joy that EVERY baby should bring) family life...where do we draw the line?
Whilst I know the feeling of wanting to give your child a perfect life, and protect them from all the difficulties in the world, I don't see how giving up a sn baby does that or gives your existing kids the right message...rather I read...'if you are not what I want you to be, you're out'...like I said before love is love and it is EVERY babies RIGHT.
Don't get be wrong I am not anti adoption/fostering...sometimes it is the KINDEST thing...but this is a mum of 2, and this is a scenario, this is not someone who has tried, and tried to the best of her abilities, and knows that someone else can offer more...I still read the OP as, I'm worried that this pregnancy may not fit the PICTURE of life that I have for me and my kids...therefore, if it doesnt fit i'll give it away...if you feel that way, why get pregnant? All that said, as I mum of 2, I doubt you'd feel that way on meeting your baby...SN or not.
in the words of Forest Gump! 'Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're gonna get!'
It may not be what you expected...but it's sweet all the same!
Now i'm off to cuddle my babies cos this thread makes me very and .

the majority of mothers on here are peol who have suffered difficult pregnancies or are trying to get through another pregnancy after miscarriage still born etc, i think it is incredibly insensitive of you to come on a site like this asking those sort of questions, im 23 and lost two babies, im now pregnant again and long to hold a baby in my arms, i will love it, n be greafull that ive managed to have a child, i think if your mind is like that why have children, just because the baby may have problems it doesnt mean it will be difficult to love, i have friends with disabled children and they are such loving characters you wouldnt change them for the world, i just hope you think twice before getting regnant again, sorry to be harsh but i feel you are very unreasonable

UmSami, but that's what I think people don't realise (and what I was trying to say with my video I guess when I made it). People don't realise that you love a disabled child every bit as much as a non-disabled one. They genuinely don't. It's why people often say stupid things when looking in from the outside (concern about the non-disabled siblings over and above concern for the disabled child- that's very common - not realising that within a family every sibling is considered equally).

Jute
Love your film. Your boy reminds me of mine - cheeky little bugger

I can never explain that to people - that I had my son and held him and have exactly the same feelings for him ( love, affection, pride, irritation, exasperation, joy) that I do for the other two.

And that my other kids are the same. They just interact like other kids.
People seem to think that the disability causes a disconnect which stops you loving just the same.
Parents can only say " I don't know how you cope" because they feel differently about him because of his disability. If my DS1 had a head trauma and needed the same level of help as DS2 no one would say to me - "gosh how do you cope - perhaps you should think about having him adopted".

It is very strange until it is your child.
And then it is the most mundane thing in the world.

(BTW We took the kids to the National yesterday and DS2 was fine although only liked the picture of the crabs. He got a bit fidgetty at one point and DS1 came up to DH and I and said " DS2 has just asked if we could move on now because all this religious iconography is getting right on his tits. He would like to see what is in the cafe"
. Made me laugh)

spot on pagwatch

abbe - I'm sorry to hear about your difficult experinces. But its not true to say that

"the majority of mothers on here are peol who have suffered difficult pregnancies or are trying to get through another pregnancy after miscarriage still born etc"

the majority of posters on the SN board are parenst of SN children.

there are mothers (and others) on Mumsnet from a range of different backgrounds. many come here to ask the questions that they cant ask anyone in real life. The title of this thread was pretty clear - if you find these things upsetting them don't open them.

There are sections of mumsnet all about TTC, support after miscarriage, ante natal groups etc and you might find these more helpful.

Its not fair of you to call the Op "incredibly insensitive" because she is asking questions you dont like. Her worries and concerns are just as real to her as yours are to you.

NAB - my birth mother tried to abort me but was unsucessful ( obviously). I find that knowledge upsetting but I try to understand the circumstances she was in. I am glad to be alive and am glad she failed - i woudl not rather be dead than deal with this knwoledge

If the Op ends up having a child with SN and places that child for adoption then i feel thats its sad that the baby cant stay with his/her birth family but its good that s/he will have loving adoptive parenst. Surely thats better for the baby and parenst than the pg being terminated?

Here's what it's like for a sibling of a disabled DS.....

Having a bath together last night DS1 says to DS2 "DS2's name" I love you...", and back to playing in the bath.

I didn't make a big deal of it, but it just goes to show that he just accepts and loves his brother for who he is......

Jute I totally agree with you. Some of the insensitive comments I have had about my dd are unbelievable. One mum said to me she couldn't bring up a child with special needs as she wouldn't have the patience. This is the mum whose "nt" child spits at people and is generally very badly behaved.
I also cannot believe the op is thinking this way. My dd scored a 10 on her Apgars and it wasn't until she was 1 that we noticed her special needs.
Sometimes I think people look at disabled/children with sn as 2nd class citizens and that really upsets me. We carried them for 9 months and the love I have for my dd is the same (ok I admit I am more protective) as it is for my ds!
My dd has every right to be here just as any child does.

Kristina, she did post on the SN board, it was incredibly insensitive (you obviously don't have a child with SN or you would't suggest just not opening the thread) and that's why it was reported and reposted here (we'll never know what sort of response she would have got if it had originally been posted more thoughtfully and appropriately).

I don't believe in not opening a thread just because you don't like the title.....who knows, maybe someone somewhere is looking at things through different eyes now because of the discussion generated (both supportive and insupportive of the OP).

I do think the OP should be able to ask the question. There are obviously some fantastic MNers who are enjoying their family life with their children with disability and all is well.

But... it's not like that for everyone. My own experience is of parents who weren't perhaps that great together in teh first place splitting once the stress of looking after a child with severe disabilities is born (and don't pretend it can't be stressful, especially if you don't have helpful relatives the lack of respite care is catastrophic) and it is all too easy for the other children to be ignored or used as respite care themselves. And life for the disabled child can also be very stressful too - even with severe mental and physical disaibilities can be very sensitive to what's going on around them emotionally, and worse not have any mechanisms for coping with that stress.

So please don't jump on someone for asking the question.

can I just say FFS?

I don't have a problem especially with her asking the question. I have a huge problem with her posting it in the SN section....

MM22bys - i dont understand your comment about my obviously not having a disabled child - why woudl you say that???

i was suggesting that soemone who has had several miscarraiges and finds it upsetting to think about another mother giving up a child for adoption mmight choose not to open a thread ( in SN and now in Adoptions) entitled "Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?"

If the poster finds the whole topic of adoption upsetting she can hide the whole topic.

good post poppycake

I thought about not having children at all, but was told that the risk of the problem being passed on was very small, so much so that I should be more worried about the "normal" risks than the family ones.

But I don't think I was at all unreasonable to look at the effect that 2 children with severe disabilities has had on other members of my family and wonder was I really wise. Even now, I feel like I have rolled the dice twice and been incredibly lucky, but won't do it again. I really don't feel like I'm being selfish - it is not much fun for a child to be in and out of hospital, to have to take food through a tube, to have to wear nappies all her life (finding nappy changing spots for a 10 year old is not easy), to have huge mood swings, to have to keep changing her medication (of which there is a lot) and so on and so on. Yes, I realise my girls could have an awful accident, but I really hope they don't and I really try to avoid it. If it happened, I'd have to try and cope, and I think the OP is trying to see what would happen if she couldn't. That is not unreasonable.

Of course no one is saying that you love a disabled child any less. You only have to read Nathan's mum's story to see that. She loved him dearly. She suffered terrible guilt from giving him up for adoption. But she felt she had no choice. Her family weren't supportive, her husband wasn't supportive, even the healthcare professionals weren't supportive and almost expected her to give him up. I don't think I would do it but I'm not going to condemn those that would.

No she's not Poppycake, and this is what so many of us on here don't understand, she (and her husband) don't want to even try.

She did not post saying she has a disabled child, has tried for years to cope, and now can't, but she asked "is it possible or easy to give up a severly (sic) disabled baby at birth".

Big big big difference.....

There used to be a lady on here called DesperatelySeekingSanity who has an adopted dd who is severely disabled. They have an open adoption. It would be interesting to see what her opinion is of it all what with her having first hand knowledge of the situation. Unfortunately I haven't seen her around lately so don't know if she's left MN or namechanged.