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Adoption

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Original poster

Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

374 replies

mirage999 · 08/01/2009 16:31

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

OP posts:
mm22bys · 10/01/2009 15:32

The problem is that so many of "us" think it's our right to have a NT, healthy child, and are too quick to, through whatever means, get rid of anything less than perfect.

Sad world we live in....

alfiemama · 10/01/2009 15:55

If I had a husband that thought like yours, I would not be with him.

UmSami · 10/01/2009 16:20

I normally try to be diplomatic and non judgemenntal...but i'm sorry I can't be this time....WTF?!
I'm happy to have 2 beautiful and apparantly normal children...I don't plan to have any more biological kids...
But...i'd be delighted in a few years to adopt or foster a SN child, who needs love, because someone considered them an inconvenience, felt unable to cope, whatever...(yes i felt like this before I had my 2 too)
Has the thought that that child may ruin the lives of my 2 precious babies crossed my mind? NO! because in my opinion love is always a good thing, and the more love they see and give and receive, the better, no matter the source...life isn't perfect, neither are people...but let me tell you, that it is your baby's right to be loved and cared for, not your right to have a picture perfect family...
however, to answer your question, yes you can give your baby up for adoption...thankfully not everyone thinks like you

pscc · 10/01/2009 17:24

Could not have said it better myself UmSami- totally agree with you!!!
All the best!

sarah293 · 10/01/2009 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

debzmb62 · 10/01/2009 19:47

i cannot believe some of the post on here ! i have 5 kids ages ranging from 28 down to 4 years when i had my last baby at 42 i must admit due to my age i did think about down's amoungst other things tbh ,like all my babys i worried about thigs but this last one was the worse but whatever was wrong theres was not a hells chance i,d give my baby up for love nor money lucklie everything was fine now my babys 4 i,d love another sadly can,t but i,d love to adopt a child and give it the love my own kids have had healthy or disabled
how can ppeople just turn there feeling off !!

load · 10/01/2009 19:52

I am sad.

nappyaddict · 10/01/2009 19:55

Only read the op but yes it is possible cos lots of people do it. I don't think we are in any place to judge. Did anyone see that tv program about the woman who adopted loads of disabled children? It showed the birth parents being interviewed aswell and most of them had only given their babies up cos they could no longer cope with them and felt they would enjoy a better life with someone who could cope with them. I think they all had open adoptions and so the birth parents could still see them regualarly.

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/01/2009 19:59

Hijack

Nappyaddict- i got your cat and have replied.

mm22bys · 10/01/2009 20:11

Nappyaddict, I don't think any of us would "judge" any body who felt they could no longer cope, but the difference here is that the OP doesn't even want to bother trying...she wants any problem child given up at birth.

KristinaM · 10/01/2009 20:36

I am quite shocked at soem of the very harsh and judgemental comments here. Just because you have a disabled child does not give you the right to say such hurtful things to a pg mum who is struggling with a dilemma. I understand that many of you are offended because she originally posted in the Sn section, but its now in adoptions

to the poster who suggested that it woudl be better for a baby to be aborted than know that their parents didn't want them...well i personally am glad that my mothers attempts at abortion were not sucessful and i survived. would i rather be dead than face this knowledge - no!

to the poster who said that if the child was placed for adoption teh mother woudl be required to have contact 7 days a week - thsi is not true. If an adoption plan was made before birth teh child coudl perhaps be placed very soon with foster carers who were willing to adopt. it woudl also be impossible in these circumstances to "provide milk" ( i assuem she means breast feed)

All you have proved to the Op is that:

if she keeps her child she will get no support from the disabled community ( as well as none from her Dh and family)

if she gives up her child she better be prepared to lie to everyone about it for the rest of her life as no one will ever understand her.

mm22bys · 10/01/2009 20:40

But it's not a dilemna!

She doesn't know she's having a disabled child, and she doesn't know how she (and the rest of the family) would feel once a disabled child is actually born!

I don't think I'm alone when I say to the OP, just give it all a chance, and cross these bridges if (not even when!) you come to them!

Lotster · 10/01/2009 20:46

Having re-read this thread, I'm wondering why is it only on your third child do you have these worries? Why is your approach different to the first two pregnancies - and what was your approach with those two?

jute · 10/01/2009 21:06

I think those without a severely disabled child have no idea and no understanding that you actually feel exactly the same about a disabled child as a non-disabled one.

Lotster · 10/01/2009 21:10

Jute, no personal experience but I have heard parents of a couple of different down's kids more than once refer to them as the "light of their lives" in fact.

I mention Down's as it seems to be the main test the OP talks about.

nappyaddict · 10/01/2009 21:20

I've remembered what that program was called now - a mother like alex.

nappyaddict · 10/01/2009 21:21

I've remembered what that program was called now - a mother like alex.

stillenacht · 10/01/2009 21:24

nappyaddict - i saw that programme and cried the whole way through. What an amazing woman and what amazing parents to admit to the not coping part.

I have a son with severe autism. I don't know if i will be able to cope forever. I do my best everyday. Its very hard. I love him. He has changed so many thoughts and ideas i had about the world i can't even begin to say.

My son is as beuatiful, funny, cheeky, tricky etc as his NT brother. The government and society think he is pointless and a drain. I don't. I think he is an education as to what life is really about.

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 21:27

Kristina, that was me. My mother wanted to abort me and decided to keep me in case i was a boy, I wasn't so she gave me away anyway, double whammy. thanks.

jute · 10/01/2009 21:29

I have a son with severe autism too stillenacht (far more disabled than most children with DS). my video about him/about severe autism

Lotster · 10/01/2009 21:29

stillenacht, you write about him with such love lucky boy.

I agree with what you say about him teaching you what life is really about - my fave film director Federico Fellini made films about the people on the "fringes" of society, and how looking at the way society treats them tells you everything you need to know about it.

stillenacht · 10/01/2009 21:38

Jute - he is gorgeous xxxxxxxxxxxx

lotster - thank you xxxxxxx

At birth i had no idea i was going to end up with a disabled child, he was totally normal..but...he stopped mentally developing at 9 months and started having fits. I have pictures of him at 7 months laughing with his brother - the light in his eyes is strong and he is alert.

All his pictures from 9 months onwards have the autistic glaze when he began to go into the world away from me and DH and hid DB...occasionally the glinting eyes come back and those times we enjoy and then they return to the glaze again.

He was diagnosed with severe autism at 28 months. He is still doubly incontinent, would run in front of a car, can never be let go of to walk in the street (a big source of jealousy for me for a long time watching other mums just let their kids walk alongside them totally carefree), i feed him, he drinks milk from a bottle, his mind works on a 20 month old. He is 5. I thank God everyday that his brain has made progress. I feel lucky. Very lucky.

jute · 10/01/2009 21:42

I couldn't let go of ds1 until he was 8 - not at all. Now he's 9 I still have to hold him anywhere near traffic, but he doesn't try and run off and away from cars I can let go. He has come on enormously since he was 7 (still no speech really, but hey ho). For us the key was him learning to imitate. I could never have imagined ever being able to let go of his hand anywhere when he was 5. He can even wait little now.

ds1 regressed between 12 and 15 months.

nappyaddict · 10/01/2009 21:53

So many people would terminate if they felt they couldn't cope with a baby who had DS. Good on her I say for choosing adoption instead so someone else who feels they are up to the job can give this child a lovely life. Also I can understand why she wouldn't want to bond with the baby if she was planning on giving it up for adoption.

jute · 10/01/2009 21:56

Babies with DS aren't easily adopted though. Foster care yes. Adoption, a lot harder.

Having a theoretical 'DS' is very different from having a RL baby with DS that you've just given birth to. I think that's something people are trying to tell the OP. Could you have given up a previous (presumably NT child?) if no, then there;s no reason to think it would be easy to give up a baby with DS.

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