Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

[mirage999]

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

Clarissmo - i totally wholeheartedly agree with you regarding the gene bank, as i think an antenatal test for autism would be just WRONG! One thing i would say is this, not all research into the genetics of autism will be solely for screening purposes. There advances in gene therapy and gene replacement, so, for example, if a particular gene is recognised as being mutated in people on the spectrum (i suspect rather a group of genes) these genes become potential drug targets and research into gene therapy also. I am not 100% on this, but gene therapy is in the clinical trials stage for cystic fibrosis - the faulty gene is delivered to the lungs of CF sufferers and has massive therapuetic value. CF is probably more straightforward than Autism though as it has been shown to be caused by a defect in a single gene. The point im trying to make is, without genetic research, this treatment for CF would never be available. That is a very different argument though, but i thought i would raise that issue with you. Might i ask what reasons you were given for the request? I have an interest in genetics is the reason i am asking.

I totally agree Clarissimo, it saddens me to think this test would become available. I can honestly say, he is who I fell in love with and wouldnt change him for the world. I wish I could understand more, but wouldnt change him.

I do agree its about choices, and someone pointed out that perhaps the op has been given an alternative than to abbort but I think it was mummy2boys who said that they should think about things before the get pregnant.

I think this is where people need to be more educated and if you are not willing to risk a child with sn, then dont go down that route. naive as that sounds.

I'm sorry to say that these thoughts occurred to me early on in my pregnancy too. My husband sounds similar to yours. I would suggest you talk about it a little more when you are both able to, timing is important. I'm currently pregnant with my second child and my first has no problems and is full of life. Some of my fear is/was for him too because there is no doubt that it would have an impact on his life regardless of feelings but the baby will take my time from him anyway. We decided that for us we wanted the tests so that we had time to consider any information given to us and to learn more if required. We agreed not to make any decisions quickly. Having the tests took away the anxiety I felt in early pregnancy, I am lucky as they haven't shown up any increased risk factors for anything. Since then I have bonded with my now kicking baby and I now know that if there is a problem detected after the birth that we will have to face it together and find a way to cope. There are no guarantees of anything but you should maybe keep your fear in perspective, all sorts of terrible things can and could happen in the future but there is no point on dwelling on such thoughts. Just think - well I'll deal with whatever happens, when it happens. That applies to good things too. (although I'm much happier thinking about what I might do if I win the lottery!)And do talk to a friend or someone else to help you get things in perspective and stop wasting your precious energy worrying you need to keep as stress free as you can at this time. Good luck

Now, it was a few weeks ago and immediately post DX so I can't remember it all but I posted about it at the time and I put

Paed asked us if we wanted to bank DNA after the dx today, for when the tests are ready.

i think it was that simple. She did say she wanted to raise it agin with us at the appt in MArch. I did wonder if its because we have 4 boys and she thinks we will ahve mroe (highly unlikely)?

You raise some very interesting points there clarrisimo. There clearly is a genetic link. What i find interesting is that within one family there are children with different levels of asd. Im not sure what that tells me - that there are environmental factors? Maybe, probably, most likely - but what it does tell me is that the genetics of ASD is complex to say the least - so it has to be a result of multiple genetic causes. I am interested in this specifically because i think that DD may go on to be dyslexic or dyspraxic - lots of factors in her development have lead me to think this, but that wont of course change her in anyway.

I can totally understand why you are suspicious of research but as i say, i think the screening side of things (and i too disagree with it) is wrong, and i honestly think it will be pretty useless too for the very reasons you state.

2 things jump out at me on threads like these..
!) the assumption tha siblings lives will be some how marred by having a disabled sibling, I could let ds(16) post but as his veiws are so strong the language would be very colourful! that is just passing the buck imo.
2) what if like me your baby is fine in the womb, then due to a cock up at the birth thay become disable, do you then give up on them?

Playing devils advocate here (sorry seem to be going off on a tangent) but i think that genetic tests for ASD would be useful post natally. I have read that getting a dx is difficult and its pretty subjective and that early intervention is really important. If there were tests available then it would be of great use. Saying that, i think that is a long way off - in the case of CF, i think there are 32 KNOWN mutations in a single gene, each requiring its own test so to get a definitive positive or negative is difficult to say the least.

My background is in genetics (not human genetics) but i remain highly suspicious of genetic tests.

I have just had another look at the posting, have to say that it has been very cleverly worded to spark a debate. And I think you will all agree that it has done that.

I wonder if they get paid for it?

I think it is a healthy debate though, a very worthwhile one. As i have pretty much u-turned on some of my feelings regarding prenatal testing. But i am slightly suspicious that the OP hasn't reposted.

Totally agree Lem, I was the same, had my views and have still have but I can understand the other argument aswell.

It was the first posting or a name change also.

yup, she is looking more like a troll...I thought i was quite good at spotting them as well

i was slightly distracted by the bollocking straight talking you hard hitting SN regulars were giving her . here on the adoption threads we are soft and fluffy no hugs or huns though

I dont think anyone likes to troll bash anymore so we ignored it, but Im sorry screams of it.

first time poster/name change
posted on sn board, tut tut
even the name, prob get flamed for that one, but Mirage, all is not one seems

But I think like Lem said it made for an interesting debate so went on regardless. Just hope not a journo, like someone said.

Riven, unfortunately many animal rights activists are quite simply - Barking mad! He sounds like a prime example. As for your MIL i would cut her off completely.

Fio, i think this whole "debate" has highlighted that really well

babies do not come with receipts like toy dolls

dd1 was born with heart defects, hydrocephalus, had developmental delay and i was told she was most likely blind and deaf, as well as having the odd seizure

i was told to put her in a home and forget about her

she is a fully paid up member of the teenage society now, overcame all her health issues and had no problems with sight or hearing
ds2 was born and later diagnosed with cerebral palsy

so dd1 had obvious problems as birth and overcame them, and ds2 was undiagnosed til much later, and will not walk (he is 8 in feb)

you never know how things are going to turn out

I honestly can't see how someone could say they would give up their baby because of a disability, is there any reason behind this?

If you were to give up your child for adoption you would have to be emotionally ready for that not just thinking practically
and certainly not just because of an impairment which quite frankly may be evident as a small child and be just something simple as it gets older. And at the end of the day, all children need love and a family who cares not just 'normal' ones(whatever that is).

I think you are either a very dim person or a troll out for a laugh either way you are an arse for posting on this particular section. Spare a thought for the ones who can actually be bothered to invest time and love into their children and bugger off will you.

Singer is OTT on everything ime, every single deabte we had in Uni ethics seemed to be interrupted by Prof sayng 'But Singer says '.

Obv. It's not a choice I could or have made but there are lots foter / adoptive parents at the sn grups we attend and I would fasr rsther a child be raised by the system than aborted.

well, having trawled through the massive response, only a couple of you were perceptive enough to pick up on the fact that I am actually going against the general tide of the pregnant population by NOT considering to terminate a baby who has been found to have disabilities as shown on tests. My DH is very keen that we terminate if problems such as downs are found. He is NOT unusual in his feelings. What appears to be unusual, is that I am actually preferring to have a baby adopted if they require ft care, rather than play god and terminate it's life (like most people would do in this situation). I am trying to be realistic and recognise that if we had to care for a severely disabled child it would destroy our relationship/considerably reduce all of our quality of life and this would harm our kids (including the new baby). Of course, tragic events might happen to a 'normal' child later on in life and in which case we would deal with issues as they happen. I am simply trying to explore my options as I am not keen to have the ante natal scans/tests. Yes - I am being pessimistic for no reason, but I would like to plan in case this particular eventuality crops up.
It sounds like you are condemning the fact I would want to consider having my baby adopted? For the record, personally, I cannot understand people who have their children adopted. I would be devastated and it would be the last thing on earth I would consider doing. As someone who was adopted myself as a baby I still cannot understand how my birth mother could do such a thing.
So what I am trying to say is, I would hate to terminate and I would certainly hate to have he/she adopted - I am trying to see which would be the lesser of the 2 evils. As I am pro-life, I am just trying to consider options ahead of time should there be a problem.
Apologies for originally posting in the wrong place.

I really woulod query the bit about harming other children- personally I would prefer an adoption amssively to a termination and although I cant understand it know some people would terminate (my sister doesn't understand why telling me her preference to temrinate pisses me off when my children- her nephews- are present!)

I have had 4 children: ds1 and ds3 are dx'd asd. My 4th was born after we knew the scenario and I don't beleive he is harmed in any way.

I am taking reponsibility - by anticipating and planning for the future. It would be more irresponsible not to at least consider options available. I am not talking about 'less than perfect children' - aren't we all imperfect at the end of the day? I am talking about the severely disabled who would require constant special care.
Hands up who would take into their homes, unconditionally, their elderly parents for full time care, without at least considering what other care is available out there/considering the impact on the rest of the family? I truly admire those people who do such care however, like I also admire nurses, teachers, care home staff etc. I can see I am not going to get much practical advice here...

Thanks for explaining Mirage.

I think maybe your OP was just worded wrongly(or I read it wrong) which is what sparked me off. Personally I thought through all the options too but I don't thi that the tests were very reliable and neither are scans IMO, this is coming from someone who was told her DS only had one arm at a scan for it to be picked up almost an hour later that the doctor had actually failed to notice that the baby was just in an awkward position , I'm not saying it's the same thing as a mental disability obv but it has put out all my faith in doctors when it comes to testing for 'defects' as they call them .

Don't jump the gun by saying what you will do if that happens though because at the en of the day regardless of handicap you (probably) will love that child with all your heart regardless.

I personally came to the decision that if it came back positive for downs or spinabifida I would not terminate because these people can live happy, 'normal' lives yes it may be a bit more of a struggle but as so many others have said if something happened to my child later in life would I love him any less? NO. Your child may have something wrong yes but to me, it's a struggle being a parent anyway at times so I would just have to invest more time into it so what the end result is still the same. You get a loving child who will grow up knowing you did what you could and that they are cared for by all around them.

3 words-

Love is unconditional