Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

[mirage999]

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

Having read previous posts in this thread that is a brave post soildgold and repsect you for it. I too had a nuchal scan to qwell my fears as we had already lost a non congenital twin in the same pg with my DS and wanted as much info reassurance as one could get.

i work for a homelessness charity. we used to see a young man who was in a car accident (with his family) which left him with severe learning disabilities. his family disowned him (aged about 15) and he ended up sleeping rough.

Please give the OP a break. Maybe not the best place for it and not well phrased but I can see where she is coming from. At my 20wk scan for my last I was told that I had CP cysts and that, along with my age, meant there was a chance of Downs syndrome or Edwards. We decided to do nothing. I didn't want to terminate and we knew we would love the baby. But 'love' isn't the only factor is it? We also loved our older 2 and I had a vision of them feeling responsible for DC3 for the rest of their lives after we were dead and gone, or not able to care for him/her anymore. That was the only thing that concerned me. But IMO it was a perfectly valid concern.

Fishie, when you say the family disowned him do you mean that they kicked him out on the streets or that they asked for him to be taken into care? Also, without any background it's a little difficult (though it wouldn't stop stupid people) from going ooh, heartless bastard family, how could they? Perhaps the young man's disabilities made him unpredictably, uncontrollably violent to the rest of the family. Perhaps they tried to obtain good care for him but he ran away. We don't know. Do you?

Hi mirage - yes it is possible to give up your baby for adoption. Your first point of contact would be your local social services, who would come and make a full assessmnet of your family situation. After your baby is born he or she would probably be placed with foster carers and then with an adoptive family.There are some agencies who will place a child with foster carers who wish to adopt - these schemes are called " concurrent planning".

Before they do this, SS have a duty to work with you to try to help you care for your baby, or if that is not possible, to place your baby within his/her extended family.

There are many families who wish to adopt a child with special needs and there is no reason to think that your child woudl not have a happy loving home with an adoptive family.

You might also be able to have some limited contact with your child, perhaps a few times a year and/or to recieve information about how they are

Riven: I am aware that it would take time and effort, but there must be some sort of provision (for instance, some people who become severely mentally or physically disabled due to accident or illness won't have relatives capable of caring for them at home.)
And I am not saying that you (or anyone else) should put your relatives in residential care, I'm saying what i would do.

IMO, there's a difference between not getting pregnant if there is a very strong genetic chance that any further children will be afflicted with a condition (as there is in my family) and "giving up" a child if the odds don't go as you would like.

It's generally your choice to bring a child into the world, and IMO you do your darnedest to step up to your responsibilities.

You don't get rid of one of your own flesh and blood because it's not "convenient" for the rest of the family.

i am nosier than i am opinionated,so i just popped onto pagwatch's profile...i love it when someone makes a point so perfectly

This is a troll. Or worse a lazy journalist.

quick reminder

the troll OP originally posted in S.Needs...but it was reported and moved

But mm22bys, although I agree with you, in practice lots of people do. I guess the question is whether the OP is right. Is it better to abort, or bear your child to term and give it way? People are often told that the latter is better for so called "social" abortions. Obviously the best thing for the OP to do was not to get pregnant, but perhaps she didn't know her partner had strong issues about disability, or maybe the pregnancy was not intended. Maybe it is a troll or a journalist, but it is still an ethical dilemma.

I think the OP was badly worded and has recieved a bit of an unfair bashing. I had all the general tests on offer with DD. I can not imagine EVER being able to give her up, no matter what. BUT, i had to be totally honest, i don't know what i would have done if there had been the chance of severe disability. I think, im not sure, but i think, i would have been able to come to terms with a "Downs" diagnosis as we are made well aware of positive stories. There are worse conditions that involve a child being in pain and having questionable quality of life - I cannot say, hand on heart, that i could have gone through the pregnancy with such an unknown - that is my weakness and using compassion as a reason to terminate would be to justify my own personal OMG i can't cope reasons.

In the cold light of day, not all parents of disabled children can cope, they might have learning difficulties of their own, emotional problems etc, all the myriad of shite that life throws at them - would it be fair, for these parents, to keep the child? Would it not be fairer, to the child (heartbreaking for the parents) to give that child to someone who is able to give the love and practical care that child deserves?

I think, that if you feel that you really couldnt cope, honestly and truthfully, giving up the child for adoption is the better and most selfLESS thing to do. Do we villify all people who give up their children for adoption then?

As to the OP, i think it is very easy to say that she would give the child up for adoption because the bond is not made yet and as postors have said, this comes during the pregnancy. She is dealing in what ifs, so its easy to say - well i couldnt cope with that so.......But, as many of you special parents out there who have to cope with disabilities, you do cope, somehow. Also, i should imagine that, and hope that, once a diagnosis is made, information about what to expect and what help is out there would be passed on. But what would people rather, people kept children that they couldnt cope with and ended up with the child suffering because of this, or people terminated pregnancies (as many do, and i would if i thought my child would suffer) when there are people out there who can offer love and support to disabled children - its a no brainer as far as im concerned.

We weren't offered the 12 week test thingy when I was pregnant with DS, who is now 2. When we realised we weren't going to have the test, DH and I discussed it but both agreed wholeheartedly that we would keep our baby, no matter what.
We have decided not to go for tests in any subsequent pregnancies, as there is no way I could have a termination and we would keep our children.

We refused the tests as we knew we would keep our baby no matter what.

I also find the OP offensive. If genuine there are better places to go for advice.

This might be unpopular, but i actually think it is irresponsible to refuse ante-natal tests. NOT because it gives the option to terminate, but i would imagine that the reaction to a severely disabled baby is OMG what am i going to do, there is all the greiving for what might have been, the shock and disbelief etc. If you have a good idea that something is amiss DURING the pregnancy, you can deal with the OMGs etc, have practicalities in place if necessary and just welcome and love your baby the same as every one else, when he/she is born.

I guess there could be the argument that the diagnosis might inhibit bonding during pregnancy but i would imagine that if it were me, the overwhelming feeling would be one of protectiveness

good point, LEsMummy.

Don't agree LEM - Riven talks sense

Tend to agree riven. We opted not to test. But gave in to the huge temptation to 'see' the baby on the scan. And 3rd time round that resulted in 20 weeks of worry. In fact DS#2 was fine.

The reason we didn't test was that we wouldn't terminate so why go through the stress and worry. When we did get a potentially 'negative' result we were subject to all the usual fear and concerns wich poisoned the rest of the pregnancy. To no purpose.