Birth mum- sensitive content

[Ted27]

The thing I have always dreaded and feared.
My boy's birth mum has been found dead in her flat. Its possible she could have been there 3 days.
She was 42 and had 4 sons adopted or taken into care. My boy is the eldest.

What a waste of life, so desperately sad. I always knew it would end this way.

I will have to go and see him tomorrow. I have no idea how he will take it. There has been no contact since he was 4 years old. He hasn't shown any interest in seeing her.
But that opportunity is now gone, questions unasked and now forever unanswered

How old is your son? This is very sad.

will have to go and see him tomorrow. I have no idea how he will take it. There has been no contact since he was 4 years old. He hasn't shown any interest in seeing her.

so he’s an adult now? I really don’t think this will impact him the way you seem to be dressing it will

He is 22, has just started his MSc. Impeccable timing 😢

@Keepitsimples

I really think you have no idea.

I have posted for support in an incredibly difficult situation, not to have it diminished

Oh Ted. I’ve followed your posts for a long time and am devastated for you and your boy 💐
I am sure you have thought it through - but are you 110% confident no one else will reach out to your boy between now and you seeing him tomorrow? I think you’ve mentioned him having some contact with brothers/cousins at different times.

I so wish for you it wasn’t the weekend so you could at least phone post adoption support to have an understanding ear even if they can’t do anything.

It’s so final isn’t it - the rest of his life with no more opportunities to say anything not yet said.

So sorry to hear that Ted, wishing you both strength for the visit to let him know.

I can see exactly how hard this could be for him to process, now and in the future. It must have been an awful shock, even if you were expecting it one day.

Great to see you back posting, sorry it's for this reason.

Thank you @PaintByLetters

It was birth dad who contacted me. Ive told him that I will go and see my boy tomorrow and to make sure that his brother keeps quiet until Ive seen him.
The other siblings are much younger, about 6 and 7 and have a different dad.

My boy is at work today but doesnt have any ongoing contact with family over SM so hopefully won't see anything.

I'm so sorry. I dread this too. Thinking of you both and I'm certain he'll have such a good support in you, however he takes the news.

I'm so sorry for you. One of mine is the same age and if we had to tell her that her BM had passed away she would be massively impacted likely and would shut down. I hope you and he cope.

Oh Ted I am so sorry for your boy, and for you having to tell him such awful news.

He has proved himself over these last few years to be incredibly strong and resilient. It will knock him - and pretty hard - but he will come through it.

You are such a good parent to him and I am sure he will talk to you about how he feels (after the initial shock).

I hope his faith can also help him at what's going to be a tough time for him.

Thinking of you both.

Thank you x
Its been such a tough year
I had to tell him I have cancer in the middle of his finals, and now this when he is just at the start of his masters

@Ted27 I'm so sorry to read this. I have followed your journey & been so encouraged by your son's story What a heartbreaking end & such alot to digest. He has you by his side as you both navigate this. Thinking of you x

I'm so sorry @Ted27. This is so hard for you both. I pray that the right words and actions come to you, and that you both find the strength to face what lies ahead.

I am so sorry to read this. And it has made me suddenly think of my boys’ birth parents, particularly the youngest’s BM who is now 46/47 and had led a v hard life and had Hep C etc. I don’t know what I would do.

hope he copes and that it doesn’t derail him (a Masters! Amazing little Ted). Xx

So sorry to read this.
I had to break similar news a couple of years ago. It left a massive sense of what could have been.
We managed to get a few items belonging to bm and made a special box to put them in - photos, piece of jewellery etc. I was always available to listen and talk about her.
We didn’t attend the funeral but got together with a couple of known family members and did our own small memorial so there was a way to say a goodbye. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with this situation.
Be led by your son in how things go from here, you will be a fantastic support for him.

@Ted27 I am so so sorry. How unbelievably sad for for your son. There could be so many reasons for him not showing any interest in her. He may have feelings or questions he wasn’t even aware he had, or he may not know how he feels for some time - but you know all that. You are an amazing mum and you will support him through this.

Please remember to be kind to yourself, too. You’ve carried the worry of this possibility, and you don’t have to have all the answers tomorrow. Just being his mum and being there beside him is enough. Sending you much love.

Yes, I understand this. My AD1’s birth father died by suicide in prison when she was a small child. It was gut wrenching and still is. She will never have the chance to reconcile. IF she wanted to. It’s another loss of agency and autonomy for a child who has had so much removed by the state. It’s a loss upon a loss, even if your boy does not have the life experience to compute such a complicated bereavement, that is not a bereavement but may still be a bereavement. I get it.

Are you for real? Please tell me that you are not an adopter.

Keepitsimples has never posted before today under that name, and has posted on hundreds of threads today - I think we can all read into that what we will. Hopefully Ted can let their thoughtless comments wash over her.

Thanks for the heads up, I think I may be finished with here and social media because of AI and bots. Also, there is another one winding me up, where a new mother is beatifically bestowing her abundant experience and wisdom on building attachments with babies. Because she has recently given birth. Do these idiots hunt us down? Is it them or is it us? Personally, I wish they would just feck off to their own lovely corner of the internet.

I am sorry @Ted27 . You are right, I don’t have experience and I should never have commented. I didn’t see the forum it was under. Sorry and all the best

I am not. No experience. And I was stupid to post. Apologies

@Ted27 sending huge supportive best wishes for strength & the right words today 🩵 having you to support him will get your ds through 💐 so sorry this has honestly after such a tough time too , not that there’s a good time for these life exploding moments .

give yourself & your ds the hugest of hugs ❤️‍🩹

Thinking of you both today.

@Ted27 what a year you are having! I know you will deal with this appropriately and ofcourse your lovely boy will be very sad. On a personal level my birth mother left when I was five and had no contact and when she died fifty years later I felt so sad and confused.
Good luck and love to you both.