Just to be clear, this is something that would never have crossed my mind until a couple of weeks ago. But we really are out of ideas now and the idea of boarding school was put to us by a former social worker now working for FGC (Family Group Conference). We have 2 adopted DDs (15 and 12) and they are currently under a Child in Need plan.
There are so many problems with DD2. She’s refused to go to her high school since the end of May last year. She has suffered from anxiety, really since Covid, and there were signs that she was struggling with school, but she had good friends and we never anticipated that she would stop going suddenly. She’d just come back from a sleepover with her best friend. She’d asked me to pick her up; when I did she seemed very subdued, but she went down with a virus, which I it that down to.
For context, DD1 (15) had also been awkward about going to school, she’s still hit and miss with it now. She has SEN, FASD (Foetal Alcohol Disorder) and she is now being assessed for epilepsy following 2 seizures recently. She also has hearing loss.
Getting back to DD2, she refuses all mental health support, including CAHMS, despite going on about her mental health issues and self-diagnosing an eating disorder and PTSD. She’s very angry about being adopted and is completely vile to DH and me (particularly me). She has an idealised view of her birth mum, says she’s lovely and gave her up because she wasn’t well. (The reality is that she and DD1 were both taken away by SS and they have 2 other siblings adopted by other families.)
I do have significant MH issues myself, as in I suffer from complex PTSD from childhood SA. I’m on anti-depressants. Unfortunately, DD2 heard me talking about it on the phone to my DSis (I sometimes forgot that she didn’t have hearing loss) and she uses it against me sometimes.
Two days ago, she virtually accused my DH of sexual assault because he was trying to persuade her to talk to her social worker and the CAHMS therapist downstairs, and he used his foot to stop her closing the bedroom door on him. She then said he ought to get it because of what had happened to his own wife! She then tried to claim that she was standing up for me.
In addition, she’s come into our bedroom during the night to argue with us. She blocks me from going to the bathroom. She accuses us of lying constantly, when that’s really not the case. When we try to parent her and impose boundaries, she gets really mad and can spend 2 hours yelling at us, accusing us of all sorts.
I know she’s very anxious and is upset about her adoption. And that she blames us for everything. She’s obviously very vulnerable and desperately in need of help.
I feel such a failure as a mum, as I’ve been completely unable to persuade her to accept help. She now won’t do anything if we suggest it. My family are trying to help, but I can feel a lot of judgement. Especially from my SIL.
But she needs to be in school. She’s said that she wants smaller class sizes and we’re looking for the right place for her, whether boarding or as a day student.
Sorry this is so long and involved! But I don’t want to drip-feed, so I’m trying to include all the relevant information.