To be considering sending DD2 (12) to boarding school?

[LizzieW1969]

Just to be clear, this is something that would never have crossed my mind until a couple of weeks ago. But we really are out of ideas now and the idea of boarding school was put to us by a former social worker now working for FGC (Family Group Conference). We have 2 adopted DDs (15 and 12) and they are currently under a Child in Need plan.

There are so many problems with DD2. She’s refused to go to her high school since the end of May last year. She has suffered from anxiety, really since Covid, and there were signs that she was struggling with school, but she had good friends and we never anticipated that she would stop going suddenly. She’d just come back from a sleepover with her best friend. She’d asked me to pick her up; when I did she seemed very subdued, but she went down with a virus, which I it that down to.

For context, DD1 (15) had also been awkward about going to school, she’s still hit and miss with it now. She has SEN, FASD (Foetal Alcohol Disorder) and she is now being assessed for epilepsy following 2 seizures recently. She also has hearing loss.

Getting back to DD2, she refuses all mental health support, including CAHMS, despite going on about her mental health issues and self-diagnosing an eating disorder and PTSD. She’s very angry about being adopted and is completely vile to DH and me (particularly me). She has an idealised view of her birth mum, says she’s lovely and gave her up because she wasn’t well. (The reality is that she and DD1 were both taken away by SS and they have 2 other siblings adopted by other families.)

I do have significant MH issues myself, as in I suffer from complex PTSD from childhood SA. I’m on anti-depressants. Unfortunately, DD2 heard me talking about it on the phone to my DSis (I sometimes forgot that she didn’t have hearing loss) and she uses it against me sometimes.

Two days ago, she virtually accused my DH of sexual assault because he was trying to persuade her to talk to her social worker and the CAHMS therapist downstairs, and he used his foot to stop her closing the bedroom door on him. She then said he ought to get it because of what had happened to his own wife! She then tried to claim that she was standing up for me.

In addition, she’s come into our bedroom during the night to argue with us. She blocks me from going to the bathroom. She accuses us of lying constantly, when that’s really not the case. When we try to parent her and impose boundaries, she gets really mad and can spend 2 hours yelling at us, accusing us of all sorts.

I know she’s very anxious and is upset about her adoption. And that she blames us for everything. She’s obviously very vulnerable and desperately in need of help.

I feel such a failure as a mum, as I’ve been completely unable to persuade her to accept help. She now won’t do anything if we suggest it. My family are trying to help, but I can feel a lot of judgement. Especially from my SIL.

But she needs to be in school. She’s said that she wants smaller class sizes and we’re looking for the right place for her, whether boarding or as a day student.

Sorry this is so long and involved! But I don’t want to drip-feed, so I’m trying to include all the relevant information.

She refuses to cooperate with all professionals. She says its because we’re the ones who suggested it.

Honestly it does sound terrible but I think she will be just the same or worse at boarding school.

What about removing the pressure of attending an actual school and doing home education with paid tutors doing the core subjects and self study for everything else? I'm guessing she would totally refuse?

Yes, she would refuse right now. We just keep going round in circles.

It could be a 'OK, we will home educate you and you don't have to go to school IF you cooperate with tutors'? Or she wouldn't do this?

Ah OK. Sorry. I do get why you thought of boarding school as it's so so tricky. But those places aren't set up well for kids like her. It's so tough.

We have just come out the other side of something similar but different. It was absolutely exhausting but we consistently kept him close and remained his rock throughout. He wouldn’t accept therapy either so we paid for twice weekly 1:1 creative sessions with an artist and crafts person, these were a real lifeline and outlet. Physical activities in general can be very good for mental health, sleep and anxiety, so where possible encourage gardening, baking, cooking, dog walking, DIY, sports, walking. School itself was a safeguarding issue, with heightened anxiety but life was safer once deregistered. We looked at alternative local education, Steiner and other local home ed schools, which were smaller, more nurturing and child centred, unlike mainstream. Sadly my DS couldn’t engage due to anxiety. We are out of the woods now and DS is 9 months into a level 2 small animal apprenticeship in the workplace.

In your shoes I’d not deregister (yet) and instead approach both the school and the LA separately and explain that your child’s anxiety is preventing them from attending school and can they provide online education, tutors or alternative provision. Be careful in regards to alternative mainstream provisions as PRU are dumping grounds for schools who struggle to manage behaviours and will likely highten anxiety . Remember that the school is presently receiving a tidy sum of cash to educate your child and they may need to redirect this cash. There are some great 14-16 college provisions, some providing vocational courses or GCSEs to home educated children.

Also CAHMS and ED clinics fully rely on parents to deliver the process, they are very underfunded but good for advice if you can access them and then find the right therapist. A psychiatrist can be accessed through CAHMS and ED clinic, he/she may offer floroxatine and medical reviews to adjust dosage. If you’re child is completely cut of from life, then the complex engagment team might be the way forward?

If she don’t already have a diagnosis, get the ball rolling and pay for one. Then get an EHCP.

Hi. Glad you have come over to the adopters' board where people understand what you are going through.

If your daughter is being assessed for an ehc you should stick with this process and get the ehc sorted. The ehc can fund all sorts of provision, including residential schools. But people also sometimes get home tutors or a place at a day school with more support.

I was wondering what contact you have with post adoption support. Does your daughter get therapy from the adoption support fund for example? What about courses for you like NVR?

A private, ordinary boarding school would be unlikely to take your daughter imo and if they did, I would think they were being unethical. Your daughter would need a therapeutic environment.

Def crack on with the ehc and sort out support.

Both DDs are waiting for an EHCP. DD1 was refused last year; we appealed and the LA conceded. She was assessed and we’ve been informally informed that it’s been granted, but there’s nothing in writing. It’s all taken far too long; we’ve been fighting for support for her for many years and now her GCSEs are fast approaching.

I feel that we lost sight of DD2 for a while as we were so focused on fighting for an EHCP for DD1.

They have agreed to assess DD2. Unlike DD1, they didn’t refuse her and make us appeal. It surprised me tbh, as she’s actually a very bright girl and seemingly NT. But the difficulty is that she’ll unlikely right now to agree to see an educational psychologist for an assessment.

I think boarding school would be the last on the list of solutions. Unless you want to wash your hands of her? Thats not an accusation, I just think thats what it is and not everyone views it like that, but I think they should. Its not parenting, in any form.

It sounds like standard behaviour from a child with PDA going through puberty.

Lasting out about the adoption is her weapon, if she was your biological daughter she would find another stick to beat you with.(metaphorically).

Maybe something happened at the sleepover. Again with PDA from my experience, my DS will cut off friendships in a instant, once he is done.

He can be loving and kind at times but he can say the cruelest things, he doesn't recognise hierarchy and believes he is an adult.

He is the child that questions my decisions to become a mother sometimes.

I often joke behind his back, that I am sending him to boarding school, the constant need for attention, calling me on repeat "Mam mam mam" but I know he cannot help it, he doesn't like being grumpy and mean.

I would be concerned about the allegations against DH. If she continued to make the accusations, they will be investigated, possibly police involvement.

Hang in there. Hopefully it gets easier, as hard as it is keep reinforcing the fact you love her, you're not going anywhere.

I really don’t want to wash my hands of her. I just know that we can’t go on like this, with her refusing to come out of her room, even refusing to go to the GP or the dentist. And not letting us clean her room or change her bedding.

I want a break, for her to go into respite care. But she wouldn’t even agree to go if it was a possibility, which it isn’t.

My DSis offered to take her in for a period of time (she’s her godmum). But she then had a stroke, which she’s recovering from. She’s offered again, for September, because her DD will be doing her GCSEs and she wants to focus on that right now.

And it probably isn’t a good idea anyway. She and my BIL have 3 DC at home, and the youngest DS is also adopted. They have too much going on themselves.

My BIL and SIL would be more able to step in, except that my MIL has been diagnosed with vascular dementia recently, and she lives near to them. So they will be bearing the brunt of looking after her.

A lot of new info, I know, but it would have made the OP very long!

She also had a very early puberty, her periods started in year 4, not long before her 9th birthday. Her periods were very heavy as well and she became anaemic. And now, with her disordered eating, she probably is again but she won’t have a blood test.

Thank you for this. It sounds similar with your DS, except that we don’t get the kindness at all anymore (except sometimes to DD1). I’ll look up PDA, it sounds like it’s a possibility. If only she would speak to a therapist!

@LizzieW1969

It's so so hard sometimes isnt it.
I think Jackapoop has some really sound advice for you.
The one key thing I would add is life story work, but she does need to engage with that. I'd there any chance that she has been looking for birth family- maybe even at that sleepover? Have you asked the other parent if anything happened ?

I think sometimes as well you have to start with validating their feelings. Agree with her that life is rubbish, being adopted is a big deal, ask her what you can do to help? Tell her that you are trying to get a school for her.
When things were difficult with my son I often found it easier to send him a text just to let him know I was there for him
Is there anyone at all that she trusts that could start a conversation with her about what she wants

Tbf the kindness is slim pickings, he is 9, so will get more challenging with hormones.

Last week, he told me I was very ugly. I should hide my ugly face because I will crack the mirror.

I'm out of work at the moment, when I'm trying to get him to attend school, he'll say, you don't even have a job, sitting at home, you're lazy, I'm not lazy, he is a lazy grumpy fuck. 😆

PDA children are intelligent, they see your insecurities to bash you with them.

Best of luck .

You're a super mammy, that's doing the best you can.

I empathise, it sounds like you’re in a very similar situation to us. It’s so hard, isn’t it? It’s like DD2 changed completely in May last year (though she started flying off the handle a few years ago). She was a very loving little girl before that with a lot of friends.

Thank you for this. I had contact with the best friend’s mum a couple of months ago, because DD2 had sent a text message to her friends expressing an interest in suicide. (She has said this to us a few times.) She spoke to her DD, apparently the text had been deleted so I don’t know exactly what was said.

As far as I know, nothing happened on the sleepover. Admittedly, I didn’t ask the best friend’s mum at the time and I think she’s unlikely to remember now, as it most likely won’t have appeared significant at the time.

There’s no evidence that DD2 is in touch with her birth family. I did actually ask her.

Update: we’re looking at private day schools for DD2. She’s said that she wants smaller class sizes, so we’re hoping that she’ll be willing to go. Thank you to all of you who shared your thoughts with me and gave me advice and support on this thread.

Goodness me OP, what a blooming ride you've had on this post! Some sound advice given here, and I don't have too much to add r.e. boarding school that hasn't already been said. It might feel that boarding school is even more of a demand because it's also being paid for, and therefore to be avoided.

However I would also be hesitant of deregistering her from mainstream education until you had what you wanted from an EHCP- the LA has less incentive to prioritise you if you are not being annoyingly present in attendance statistics and if you are doing all the work of regulating with her, it removes their burden of responsibility and shifts it onto you.

I would second NVR courses (you can get them funded by post adoption support). You can also get 1:1 tailored support for more nuanced cases. We've only got little ones, and the principles work for us, but lots of people swear by them for older kids too. They advocate strategies like strewing, which can introduce ideas in a low pressure way.

The other tiny thing that I thought might help is when you said she might be anaemic, I'm assuming she wouldn't dream of taking any iron, but could you cook stuff with an iron fish? A small adaptation that might alleviate one tiny small bit of worry for you and she wouldn't notice.

I wonder whether the GP might consider a home visit if she is not willing or able to come to them? Or whether she might engage with online therapy through texting services? Sometimes things like Kooth can work.

Would CAMHS possibly be able to work with you as a parent, even if she doesn't get involved? Or at least point you in the direction of a local parents group, maybe a carers group for in person support too? You can't underestimate the toll that it must be taking on you too. Also, I assume you know about the potato group on FB? They might have some other support ideas too.

I assume she has had all the comm paeds referrals and stuff like that who might be able to look at the bigger medical picture- early and heavy periods may be linked to all sorts, pcos, endometriosis, etc, and be linked to poor moods. I don't know if they would be able to see you without her present though if she is refusing to go anywhere. Do you know if there were any medical issues like that with BM? Maybe going on the pill to control her periods might help, and it is more common than you might imagine, so might not feel as othering for her?

I'm also just sending a big hand hold. Honestly, it sounds really rough at the moment, and teens can be knobs anyway, but add in a layer of adoption trauma and goodness me it's tough. Nothing she is saying to you is worse than what she is saying to herself deep down, but that makes it harder because of course you don't want her to be struggling like that. Try to make sure you are filling your own cup in whatever way you can, and get what support you can.

An alternative view to the majority - but I wholeheartedly recommend boarding school or a residential placement. This is written by someone who is 17 years into adoption with a highly complex teen who makes false allegations against me. When you are into false allegation territory, you are on dangerous ground. I have been arrested, processed (DNA swab/mug shot/body search/finger prints), detained in custody for 21 hours and interviewed under caution with a duty solicitor present before the police decided no further action.

Things I recommend are:

Seeking out the works of Dr Naomi Fisher & Eliza Fricker, especially The Teenager's Guide to Burnout

Learning more about Reactive Attachment Disorder (the US is light years ahead of the UK), especially the RAD Associates website.

Joining the Adoption Disruption & Breakdown FB group (you just need to be at crisis point to join)

Join PATCH

Perhaps reach out to the POTATO group (although I had a bad experience here so I'm not a member)

Speak to CAPA First Response and PEGS UK about the CPVA happening in your home

I think it's helpful for everyone to reflect that some children are so traumatised that they do not feel safe, comfortable or happy living in a family environment. Also, families come in different shapes, sizes and permutations. For a young person who perhaps has RAD or PDA, a residential environment can actually be a positive experience because the 'normal' expectations of being in a family are simply too much.

My teen is in a niche residential college related to her in utero disability. Her college is a four-hour drive away from home. She likes it because she doesn't have to form meaningful relationships with the adults who safeguard her but they can be trusted to put three meals a day on the table for her (her priority in life). She returns home for holidays and then we have the cycle of violence/abuse/police/children's social care. It's more tolerable for 14 weeks a year than it is for 52.

No one should have to live in a home where they are so controlled that they are not allowed to use their loo.

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds horrendous.

For me, the hardest thing to deal with is the way DD2 insists on invading our privacy. She says she has every right to keep doing this because we used to go into her bedroom to try to get her to change her bedding and clear up rubbish.

I’ve persuaded my DH finally that we need a lock on my bedroom door.

Thank you for all your recommendations, I will definitely look them up.

I suspect my DD2 wouldn’t qualify for a niche residential college, as she’s NT and suffering from anxiety. (My DD1 would qualify as she has FASD and probably epilepsy.)