To be considering sending DD2 (12) to boarding school?

[LizzieW1969]

Just to be clear, this is something that would never have crossed my mind until a couple of weeks ago. But we really are out of ideas now and the idea of boarding school was put to us by a former social worker now working for FGC (Family Group Conference). We have 2 adopted DDs (15 and 12) and they are currently under a Child in Need plan.

There are so many problems with DD2. She’s refused to go to her high school since the end of May last year. She has suffered from anxiety, really since Covid, and there were signs that she was struggling with school, but she had good friends and we never anticipated that she would stop going suddenly. She’d just come back from a sleepover with her best friend. She’d asked me to pick her up; when I did she seemed very subdued, but she went down with a virus, which I it that down to.

For context, DD1 (15) had also been awkward about going to school, she’s still hit and miss with it now. She has SEN, FASD (Foetal Alcohol Disorder) and she is now being assessed for epilepsy following 2 seizures recently. She also has hearing loss.

Getting back to DD2, she refuses all mental health support, including CAHMS, despite going on about her mental health issues and self-diagnosing an eating disorder and PTSD. She’s very angry about being adopted and is completely vile to DH and me (particularly me). She has an idealised view of her birth mum, says she’s lovely and gave her up because she wasn’t well. (The reality is that she and DD1 were both taken away by SS and they have 2 other siblings adopted by other families.)

I do have significant MH issues myself, as in I suffer from complex PTSD from childhood SA. I’m on anti-depressants. Unfortunately, DD2 heard me talking about it on the phone to my DSis (I sometimes forgot that she didn’t have hearing loss) and she uses it against me sometimes.

Two days ago, she virtually accused my DH of sexual assault because he was trying to persuade her to talk to her social worker and the CAHMS therapist downstairs, and he used his foot to stop her closing the bedroom door on him. She then said he ought to get it because of what had happened to his own wife! She then tried to claim that she was standing up for me.

In addition, she’s come into our bedroom during the night to argue with us. She blocks me from going to the bathroom. She accuses us of lying constantly, when that’s really not the case. When we try to parent her and impose boundaries, she gets really mad and can spend 2 hours yelling at us, accusing us of all sorts.

I know she’s very anxious and is upset about her adoption. And that she blames us for everything. She’s obviously very vulnerable and desperately in need of help.

I feel such a failure as a mum, as I’ve been completely unable to persuade her to accept help. She now won’t do anything if we suggest it. My family are trying to help, but I can feel a lot of judgement. Especially from my SIL.

But she needs to be in school. She’s said that she wants smaller class sizes and we’re looking for the right place for her, whether boarding or as a day student.

Sorry this is so long and involved! But I don’t want to drip-feed, so I’m trying to include all the relevant information.

That is not the subject of the OPs post and I think you know that. Stop it.

No, they didn’t. I was very open with them once the memories came back, though. I was under a Child Protection Plan for a time about 8 years ago.

Ok, I’ve asked for the thread to move to the adoption board. Thank you for all the helpful posts so far!

Take her for a school tour and see how she feels? If f she’s a school refuser a day school won’t solve the issue and you’ll be paying ££££ for her to sit at home.

Definitely. You need to hear from people who have a far better understanding. It seems all adults are experts on child psychology on Aibu with very little experience or learning.

A very tough situation but you should have known it would be tough adopting children that have suffered trauma. Boarding school is a ridiculous idea - they wouldn't take her anyway, get the school to help you find a space at a SEN school.

That is really difficult for all of you, I'm sure her hormone surge isn't helping her anxiety.

I don't think boarding school is the answer, though I fully understand why you would consider it.

If she refuses at home, she'll most likely act out there too.

I am sorry I have no practical advise.

It was me they were investigating then, though. This time, it’s about the girls’ needs, hence it’s CIN and not CPP.

100% more trauma.

Sorry OP, I know this wasn’t the point of your post but this really jumped out at me

we never anticipated that she would stop going suddenly. She’d just come back from a sleepover with her best friend. She’d asked me to pick her up; when I did she seemed very subdued

was this explored thoroughly?

Occasionally boarding can be helpful for children in care who are struggling to manage in a family environment and can potentially just return to their carers at weekends and school holidays and can prevent it breaking down. It was something that was being pushed hard for a while with local authorities for children in need on the border of coming into care as as it's cheaper then many care settings and can allow children to stay part of their family, but it is rarely done because very few children would actually manage in that context. I have seen it work occasionally but it's not common and I would be surprised if with her complexity of need it would work. Have you tried talking it through with the Virtual School in your local authority, your social worker should be able to facilitate - as a formerly looked after child, there is an expectation you are offered advice and guidance as needed. I assume you are getting what you need financially from the post adoption support fund to ensure appropriate therapy is in place? Is therapeutic lifestory work in place? It sounds like it would be super helpful to help her start to process and make sense of her birth family rather than romanticise them.

It's not really boarding school you're looking for- It's called therapeutic school with boarding. An exemple :
https://stonelodgetherapeuticschool.co.uk/#:~:text=A%20place%20where%20my%20child's,intertwined%20and%20BOTH%20are%20prioritised.

That looks very interesting, thank you! We’ll look into that option.

Please don't do this. Even the 'therapeutic' type will still feel like an abandonment to her. I've worked in one of those places and the therapy staff were good but the boarding house were cold and hard. You adopted her, you parent her. Sorry but boarding isn't the answer here, as hard and difficult as she is.

I have wondered about this so often. DD2 said nothing had happened, and her best friend tried to see her quite a few times. But she’s cut herself off from her, after spending a lot of time with her just before.

*boarding staff

I’ve worked at a few therapeutic schools. It’s a good option for some - esp getting through adolescence when the wheels well and truly come off. But as someone upthread said, it’s very dependent on the quality of the staff.
Also, these schools can be 70k per year for residential. The funding for a place is a hell of a battle. Does she have an EHCP?

I hear what you’re all saying about abandonment. And I’m honestly listening. Maybe a private day school is the answer. Although she’s quite likely to refuse to go.

Yes a day school, with SEN provisions 😊

What about a small independent school but not boarding? The type with excellent pastoral support and welcoming to neurodivergent students? Also are you getting therapy, life story work etc through the ASF?

It sounds bloody awful OP, I just don't think boarding is the answer. Private day possibly, yes.

No, but she’s being assessed for one. Actually my DM has offered to pay for her to go, which is very generous but 70k per year is rather steep! And actually, the idea of her being involved to this extent does make me uncomfortable. She isn’t the easiest person to deal with, especially for my DH.

And throwing money at a problem doesn’t make it go away, obviously.