To be considering sending DD2 (12) to boarding school?

[LizzieW1969]

Just to be clear, this is something that would never have crossed my mind until a couple of weeks ago. But we really are out of ideas now and the idea of boarding school was put to us by a former social worker now working for FGC (Family Group Conference). We have 2 adopted DDs (15 and 12) and they are currently under a Child in Need plan.

There are so many problems with DD2. She’s refused to go to her high school since the end of May last year. She has suffered from anxiety, really since Covid, and there were signs that she was struggling with school, but she had good friends and we never anticipated that she would stop going suddenly. She’d just come back from a sleepover with her best friend. She’d asked me to pick her up; when I did she seemed very subdued, but she went down with a virus, which I it that down to.

For context, DD1 (15) had also been awkward about going to school, she’s still hit and miss with it now. She has SEN, FASD (Foetal Alcohol Disorder) and she is now being assessed for epilepsy following 2 seizures recently. She also has hearing loss.

Getting back to DD2, she refuses all mental health support, including CAHMS, despite going on about her mental health issues and self-diagnosing an eating disorder and PTSD. She’s very angry about being adopted and is completely vile to DH and me (particularly me). She has an idealised view of her birth mum, says she’s lovely and gave her up because she wasn’t well. (The reality is that she and DD1 were both taken away by SS and they have 2 other siblings adopted by other families.)

I do have significant MH issues myself, as in I suffer from complex PTSD from childhood SA. I’m on anti-depressants. Unfortunately, DD2 heard me talking about it on the phone to my DSis (I sometimes forgot that she didn’t have hearing loss) and she uses it against me sometimes.

Two days ago, she virtually accused my DH of sexual assault because he was trying to persuade her to talk to her social worker and the CAHMS therapist downstairs, and he used his foot to stop her closing the bedroom door on him. She then said he ought to get it because of what had happened to his own wife! She then tried to claim that she was standing up for me.

In addition, she’s come into our bedroom during the night to argue with us. She blocks me from going to the bathroom. She accuses us of lying constantly, when that’s really not the case. When we try to parent her and impose boundaries, she gets really mad and can spend 2 hours yelling at us, accusing us of all sorts.

I know she’s very anxious and is upset about her adoption. And that she blames us for everything. She’s obviously very vulnerable and desperately in need of help.

I feel such a failure as a mum, as I’ve been completely unable to persuade her to accept help. She now won’t do anything if we suggest it. My family are trying to help, but I can feel a lot of judgement. Especially from my SIL.

But she needs to be in school. She’s said that she wants smaller class sizes and we’re looking for the right place for her, whether boarding or as a day student.

Sorry this is so long and involved! But I don’t want to drip-feed, so I’m trying to include all the relevant information.

I would be curious to know if any of the people declaring that boarding school would be absolutely wrong thing for this child, have actually been to boarding school themselves?
The popular fear of, and horror stories about boarding school are (of course) not universally true.

Boarding school is only a label, to describe 'away from home, residential education' it does NOT automatically mean a Dickensian hellhole where only children whose parents don't love them go! As we are all aware of the various unfair assumptions made in the world of adoption, surely we shouldn't be indulging in blanket judgements?

So, as you may have realised by now, I DID go to boarding schools, in the UK, from the age of 8, and while my parents lived 100s of miles away. Now, whilst it was extremely tough at times, it was also amazing fun and there genuinely were some aspects of being away from home that HELPED me (and many other more complex children) learn to structure our lives, routines and relationships in a way that we would not have done if at home. I can tell you absolutely that I am better for the resilience it taught me.

ANY school is difficult for any child at some point. In short, it's the teachers and set up of a school that will ultimately either be good or bad for your child, regardless of where they sleep at night.

Having read the actual main post here, I honestly understand why the parent is seriously considering this option. Also, I must be honest, I think if all the research and preparation is done thoroughly, it just might turn out to be the single biggest thing to HELP the child for the better.

Parenting is hard enough without other people declaring you unreasonable to be considering an option, based on THEIR own view of it, rather than being open minded enough to realise they might be unqualified to actually judge it clearly.

@LizzieW1969 I wish you luck, and I think you are brave to be looking at ALL options

@8K8K Thank you for your kind words. Our family has come up with a solution for us. It’s is actually for her to go and live with my DSis and DBIL and their DC. They live by the sea. She’s there right now for a couple of weeks, to see how it goes. From what I’ve heard so far, she’s having a wonderful time with them, and she’s come completely out of her shell.

It’s not definite, it depends on whether they decide it’s right for their family to go ahead with this plan. And obviously we want DD2 to be comfortable with the move.

The intention is for her to go to school there and come home for holidays.

@LizzieW1969

That's very generous of your sister, what a great solution. I do hope it works out for you all.
I took my first foster child to the seaside. We only had him one summer and we managed three weeks away by the sea.
He was like a different child. If my own life wasn't so enmeshed where I live now, I'd have given a lot serious thought of moving to the sea with him.

Thank you so much. Yes, I’m very grateful to her. She’s a great mum, both bio and adoptive (their youngest DS), and she’s also a stepmother, though her DSS has long since grown up.

UPDATE: DD2 is now settled with my DSis and her family. After a delay when her EHCP was being sorted out, she’s now going to the local academy with her cousins. The school have been really good, they’ve put in place a very effective induction for DD2, which, so far, is working well.

We will be seeing her between Christmas and New Year, which we’re really looking forward to.

@LizzieW1969
What a great update

Really pleased for you all that its going well
Long may it last

UPDATE: We had a visit from DD2 on Monday, when she came with my DSis and her family. She picked up more of her things and they spent the afternoon with us.

She was clearly uncomfortable being back home, sadly. She spent the time clinging to either her auntie or her oldest cousin. It was encouraging, though also very sad, to see how strongly she’d attached to her new family unit.

At the very end, though, she gave me a really long hug to say goodbye. That was a very moving moment for me.

DD2 has been talking more since leaving us. It transpires that her main difficulty in our home was with DD1, who has probable FASD and has epilepsy. She took a lot of our attention and was previously aggressive to me and occasionally to her. She was very afraid of her; although DD1 was no longer violent she continued to shout a lot.

She therefore wouldn't have anything to do with her sister. This is something that DD1 obviously finds very difficult.

We were so naive when we decided to adopt DD2. We really thought it would be beneficial to both sisters and it's not at all how it’s worked out. It's just so sad. Hopefully, with time, this will change

@LizzieW1969

That must have been so hard for you to hear.
But I hope that you can see a positive that she was able to share her feelings with you.
This is where the healing will start.
And remember that you are still a family, unconventional but still a family.
I think good things will happen for you this year

@Ted27 Thank you once again. But DD2 didn't share her feelings with me, she still won't ever even reply to my texts, or talk to me on the phone. Same with my DH. She shared this with my DSis, who told me. It was very hard to hear it, obviously. 😢

@LizzieW1969

Ahh, ok. But she has shared with someone. Its a start.
Small steps

The negative effect siblings can have on each other is often underestimated or dismissed. For a long time, having each other was very helpful for my (adopted) children. In recent years, that has drastically changed.

I think it is actually positive - though very difficult and painful for you - that your daughter has been able to identify how challenging her sister's behaviours are for her and to express that. It is amazing that you found a solution that, though painful, seems to work for everyone and that kept her in your family. I hope your daughter will regain her trust in you and see how hard this solution is for you and that you are doing it because you want the best for her.

It was suggested to us as well. we said NO due to attachment issues. However I continue to argue that the issue is we are not supported properly. A new policy unit appears to agree with me on this and the government has just launched a consultation on Adoption support which I would urge everyone to complete. A link to the consultation is on their website as well as what they think should be happening. Share widely in. any adoption groups you are in logosbound.com/childrens-social-care-1