You amazing humans

[imverynosey]

I somehow ended up on the adoption forum section of this website and it was an eye opener to me. It struck me
How incredibly cruel life is for some. For some innocent babies and children who never asked to be born into such shit.

Well thank god for people like yourselves who are making a difference and quite literally saving lives. Where on earth would this planet be without people like you? So I wanted to say thank you and what commendable humans you all are. Heaven has a special place for you guys

Thank you. I've taken your post as it was intended. I don't need to have extra praise for being a parent. She has brought as much joy to my life as I have hers. Adoption was the only route I could take to become a mother due to health issues and often feel like I ain't a "real mother" because I didn't go through pregnancy. You would say your amazing to a mother who is struggling, nothing wrong with building people up based on your opinion. We need more people in the world like you. People who offer praise are few and far between. Thank you for making me smile today ❤️

Oh thank you so much :) xx

Thanks. I’ll take your message as intended! It’s quite nice to feel seen and appreciated. In a harsh world, I think it’s nice to try to build people up and appreciate them so thanks! As adopters we often hear the phrase “all kids are like that” when we try to explain the struggles that our kids have. So actually I think it’s quite nice when people notice that actually lots of things are a bit Xtra in our family and might take a bit more energy etc. As you can see, adopters are often hanging by a thread so thanks for the nice message

I am an amazing parent, yes, but not as amazing as my friend whose (biological) child was born with a genetic condition. If you have watched 'There She Goes' on iplayer will get an.idea of her parenting challenges.

Whereas my DDs are now happy, healthy young adults who are increasingly independent and spreading their wings.

Yes, it has been very tough at times, tougher than many biological parents. But there are also biological parents struggling with their child's needs and the lack.of services.

I feel very uncomfortable with the 'adoptive parents are amazing ' rhetoric. Parents of children with a high degree of additional needs are amazing, whether by birth or adoption.

One does not exclude the other. If I say "runners are amazing athletes" that doesn't mean gymnasts aren't. It is only a statement about runners.

Adopters are crying out for support. Why are they doing that if it is a doddle? The statistics are pretty clear.

Because it carries the implication that we are amazing for somehow loving children who are not 'really' ours. And are 'damaged' in a way birth children are not.

As opposed to just being parents who love our children, but find dealing with the lack of support for their needs difficult in the same way as a biological parent would, given those additional needs

@Baital That is your interpretation. It didn't even cross my mind.

The additional needs you mention are directly related to the adoption. You cannot separate the two. If my children were not traumatised, I would not need support.

It doesn't make sense to say adopted children are nothing special, but they do have additional needs, and adopted parents are just like birth parents, but need much more support. In my view, adopted children are traumatised and that comes with many risks and, usually, additional needs. There is a lot of evidence for that. Adoptive parents are special because they have chosen to parent these children (which is different to giving birth to a child with additional needs) and they do need support.

No, I am saying parents of children with additional needs should get more support. It is the additional needs that should bring the support, whatever the cause.

My adopted daughters have been easier (on the whole!) to parent than my friend's biological daughter.

Plus are moving into being independent young adults, whereas my friend's daughter will always need care, and respite is minimal (a youth club once a week for an evening).

Sometimes I think it's the tone, delivery or how 'gushy' the person is, or even who it is.
I'm quite happy for my best mate to tell me how fabulous I am because she knows our story, but she just says it and we move on to me telling her how fabulous she is for building her own house.
Honestly - for me a random person saying there is a special place in heaven for me is taking it a smidge too far

Ps - I think we are all amazing

I don't believe in heaven so I don't care about that and I think we have all said things we didn't mean in exactly the way we said it.

@Baital You are comparing your children to a child with very severe needs and not with birth children without additional needs and you qualify what you say ("on the whole"), so clearly your children had/have additonal needs. I would have to repeat myself.

I will leave it at that.

Yes, my DDs have had some additional needs. But less than some birth children.

So, as I said, the 'wonderfulness' of parents is about their sacrifices to meet their child's needs, not whether they are a birth or adoptive parent.