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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Child with attachment disorder - is this right?

206 replies

joblerone1 · 16/03/2008 20:52

(Sorry, long.)

I hope someone can help me. I am trying to find out more about attachment disorder and whether or not my sister is doing the right thing, or potentially damaging a very disturbed little boy even further.

Her 7year old stepson came to live with them 10 months ago. His mother was about to put him into care. He has been diagnosed as having attachment disorder and is very difficult to live with. At worst, he exhibits behaviours such as standing in the bathroom all night, wetting/soiling the bed/himself, ignoring direct questions, avoiding eye contact, screaming in swimming lessons, not putting his clothes into the wash, losing his glasses, lying about it, etc. He gets told off a lot for things which, I feel, as a teacher of 7 year olds, are part and parcel of being a child ? most of my class do some of the things she describes. She insists it?s his way of gaining control, and nothing to do with being a ?normal? child. She gets periodical respite care (twice a month?) and our parents look after him and/or her two other children regularly. I live more than 2 hours away, so cannot help much.

She feels so much at the end of her tether that she is intending to take the rest of the family away on holiday while he goes into respite care for 2 weeks. She wants time to ?regroup? as a family and spend time with ?her girls?. Although I recognise her acute stress levels and the need for regular respite care, I can?t help thinking that 2 weeks in respite while the rest of the family are on holiday (in a caravan, which he loves) can only reinforce this child?s feelings of rejection, separation and worthlessness.
My parents have offered to look after him for the whole two weeks, but my sister says he needs firmer boundaries, and that they are too nice. They regularly look after him at weekends, or if he is home ill from school, and for 45 minutes after school one night a week when the whole family comes for tea.
Have since found out that they've said to him previously that if he didn't behave himself at swimming then he wouldn't be allowed to go on holiday - and now he's not. They are not calling it a punishment, just respite for them, but if they've used it as a parenting tool then I think it is son wrong to withdraw it.
I have read some AD websites that actually warn against the overuse of auxillary services, but feel unqualified to comment. What do people think?

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NorwegianMoon · 11/01/2011 14:32

im not qualified but i have some experience.

he needs one on one time with the mother figure, i know its the last thing she wants but its what he really needs. Could she not agree to take him to do something he loves once a week, same time each week so he gets to look forward to the routine. this dousnt get taken away if hes naughty, maybe tv or something else instead. this treat must remain. in the mean time explain to him episodes before when he has acted really well, find out how he was feeling when he did those things and ask him how you can both receate those conditions agin so he feels more secure to make postive actions and then reward, reward reward.

there are hundreds of things she can do but she must make the effort. once she starts to see him in a positive way theyl bond better.

if all else fails, il have him!