Child with attachment disorder - is this right?

[joblerone1]

(Sorry, long.)

I hope someone can help me. I am trying to find out more about attachment disorder and whether or not my sister is doing the right thing, or potentially damaging a very disturbed little boy even further.

Her 7year old stepson came to live with them 10 months ago. His mother was about to put him into care. He has been diagnosed as having attachment disorder and is very difficult to live with. At worst, he exhibits behaviours such as standing in the bathroom all night, wetting/soiling the bed/himself, ignoring direct questions, avoiding eye contact, screaming in swimming lessons, not putting his clothes into the wash, losing his glasses, lying about it, etc. He gets told off a lot for things which, I feel, as a teacher of 7 year olds, are part and parcel of being a child ? most of my class do some of the things she describes. She insists it?s his way of gaining control, and nothing to do with being a ?normal? child. She gets periodical respite care (twice a month?) and our parents look after him and/or her two other children regularly. I live more than 2 hours away, so cannot help much.

She feels so much at the end of her tether that she is intending to take the rest of the family away on holiday while he goes into respite care for 2 weeks. She wants time to ?regroup? as a family and spend time with ?her girls?. Although I recognise her acute stress levels and the need for regular respite care, I can?t help thinking that 2 weeks in respite while the rest of the family are on holiday (in a caravan, which he loves) can only reinforce this child?s feelings of rejection, separation and worthlessness.
My parents have offered to look after him for the whole two weeks, but my sister says he needs firmer boundaries, and that they are too nice. They regularly look after him at weekends, or if he is home ill from school, and for 45 minutes after school one night a week when the whole family comes for tea.
Have since found out that they've said to him previously that if he didn't behave himself at swimming then he wouldn't be allowed to go on holiday - and now he's not. They are not calling it a punishment, just respite for them, but if they've used it as a parenting tool then I think it is son wrong to withdraw it.
I have read some AD websites that actually warn against the overuse of auxillary services, but feel unqualified to comment. What do people think?

[misspollysdolly]

I was thinking Groundhog day, but the Fatal Attraction scenario is so much more like it... MPD

[Kewcumber]

pmsl Hester, so true!

[hester]

It's the Fatal Attraction thread. Just when you think you're down, it rears up out of the bathtub...

[Kewcumber]

nope - it just plays possum then leaps up when you are least expecting it

[misspollysdolly]

Oh dear Lord, will this thread not die.......??!

[NorwegianMoon]

im not qualified but i have some experience.

he needs one on one time with the mother figure, i know its the last thing she wants but its what he really needs. Could she not agree to take him to do something he loves once a week, same time each week so he gets to look forward to the routine. this dousnt get taken away if hes naughty, maybe tv or something else instead. this treat must remain. in the mean time explain to him episodes before when he has acted really well, find out how he was feeling when he did those things and ask him how you can both receate those conditions agin so he feels more secure to make postive actions and then reward, reward reward.

there are hundreds of things she can do but she must make the effort. once she starts to see him in a positive way theyl bond better.

if all else fails, il have him!

[NanaNina]

Maryz - thanks for that. I just had not realised that the OP was back in 2008! I will be more careful next time, to make sure I look at the date of the OP.

[NanaNina]

Maryz - I don't know what "getting bumped" means! I think attchment issues are one of the important factors in the OPs concerns about her sister's step son. I don't think any one is trying to be rude, I just think that Kewcumber made a comment that didn't make any sense and I just wanted to set the record straight. Oh just looked at my last sentence where I am offering more info on attchment issues and agree that this is not the place for more detailed info on that specific issue - is that what you meant?

[NanaNina]

Kewcumber - since you haven't explained what you mean by saying that "insecure attachemnt" is not at allthe same as RAD, I will have to challenge you on this.

The issues about attachment disorders and reactive attachment disorders are one and the same thing (the reactive bit is used by the USA) whereas in the UK we tend to think of attachment disorder, but it doesn't really matter because as I say they meanthe same thing.

If a childis cared for, loved and nurtured and his/her needs are met in all respects from birth, then that will set up a secure attachment pattern between the child and the parents/caregivers. The child learns that adults are to be trusted and this promotes good self esteem in the child, with hugely beneficial effects that will last through the lifepsan.

Conversely if a child's needs are not met from birth, they learn that adults are not to be trusted - in effect the child has an insecure attachment with parents/caregivers and the child then deals with this insecurity in a variety of ways; some become very self reliant and try to care for themselves as they grow older as they know that adults can't be trusted to care for them. Sometimes a child becomes very clingy
and demanding in an attempt to get the attention of his parents.
However children with insecure attachemnts do sometimes thrive to some extent, because they make decisions (not at a conscious level)at the best way of surviving even with parents who are not emotionally available to them.

If a child lives in an abusive and chaotic
home they cannot find any way of coping with such a situation and these children have a disorganised attachment disorder, meaning they cannot find a way of organising themselves in order to survive in such a household.

I am not trying to score points but I do actually run training courses for prospective foster carers and adoptors, and could if necessary give much more info about attachment disorders.

[misspollysdolly]

It stands for M iss P ollys D olly

[NanaNina]

Kewcumber - I don't understand why you say insecure attachment is not at all the same as RAD. Can you explain please. Oh and what does MPD mean misspollydolly?

[misspollysdolly]

Yep.




And that is (probably) all I will be saying on this thread...



MPD

[Kewcumber]

sitting on my hands too MPD - but can't resist saying that "insecure attachment" is not at all the same as RAD.

[misspollysdolly]

This is such an old thread guys...and has resurfaced several times...

MPD

[thecaptaincrocfamily]

PS what NanaNina said is spot on.

[thecaptaincrocfamily]

I think your sister may benefit from a parenting course. Her expectations of a seven year old are completely unrealistic firstly. At 9 then maybe but 7 He may be a little young for his age but he is a child. She needs to look at why he is trying to gain control - if children feel helpless they seek power. If children are ignored and not praised they seek attention. It sounds like he knows he is classed as second rate to 'her girls'. He needs a loving and caring environment without judgement which I feel he isn't likely to get with your sister.

[NanaNina]

Sorry I haven't read every post of here but I think I have the picture. I write as a social worker with 30 years experience of working with troubled children and as a parent of 3 and a step parent of 1. All my kids and step-daughter are all grown now and have families of their own.

I think there have been some misconceptions about attachment disorder on some of the posts. Clearly this child has insecure attachments because he has experienced neglect and emotional abuse in his formative years. Children who have parents who are attuned to their needs and meet those needs in all respects form secure attachments with their parents.

Children with insecure attachments "learn" that adults are not to be trusted, and that can often become very self reliant as a result, or very clingy and demanding. It is true to some extent that a child's brain is affected by neglect and abuse at an early age. There is a good book called "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt that explains this much better that I can. However it is not the case that children with insecure attachemnts are brain damaged for life, nor are they mentally ill, as has been suggested.

It IS possible to help a child with an insecure attachment but it takes an enormous amount of patience and a true understanding of attachment disorders. Children in this category have chronolical ages of say 7, (as inthis case) but emotionally they are very often functioning at amuch much younger age, because their development has been "arrested" by the neglect and emotiona harm they have suffered. It is often necessary to allow the child to regress to a much younger age. In essence the child's view of the world (that adults are not to be trusted and they are worthless) has to be changed and this is possible but needs motivation, patience and time, and heartache along the way.

I feel for the OPs sister on 2 levels. She is trying to cope with a child who she cannot love (or even like) and she is set on the idea that he is trying to control. In actual fact the child is in turmoil. But trying to like a child who is not your own is very very hard (I never really liked my step daughter and she didn't live with us - but stayed for holidays) and I was ashamed of myself for feeling like this with a young child but this did not mean that I could like her any better. In fact many years of my life were ruined, and yes I wanted holidays with just "my" own three boys and my P as this I saw as "our family"

I still don't have a good r/ship with my step-dtr and never will. I think that the OPs sister needs to be "released" from caring for this child as unfortunately he is being further rejected (not a criticism but an observation) and this will make his insecure atachment disorder much worse.

I think the Op should talk to her sister about this and help her to get over the guilt and shame she may feel at having to acknowledge that she cannot care for this child. She doesn't like it when others care about him (like your parents) and I didn't like it when others told me my step-dtr was a "sweet child" - she didn't have any of the problems of the 7 year old boy, but it didn't make any difference. In fact it was worse because I had nothing to blame my dislike of her and yes I felt ashamed and only step-parents faced with this problem will understand.

Hope the Ops sister can accept that the child must be moved to foster carers before he is damaged any further.

[lennon80]

He clearly needs CAMH's intervention and I would suggest that you talk to your sister about accessing this ASAP and really you do need to push for it. This little boy has massive attachment issues and yes they are being made worse by sticking him in respite care..it is a very temporary solution to a very long term problem. The poor little mite.

[MatthewS]

misspollysdolly,

Thanks for linking to my post on Secondary Trauma experienced by parents of of kids with RAD. Parents of RAD kids need respite care support, if possible, and a great deal compassion by those around them. It is, in my opinion, some of the most challenging parenting possible.

Best,
MatthewS

[misspollysdolly]

[Al1son]

Thank you.

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

Of course I accept your apology and thank you for offering it.

I dont disagree with your views on child protection. My adopted son is still suffering the affects of a relatively short period of neglect.

I do think that there is very little understanding of RAD in the mainstream generally. I wouldnt, however, assume that all carers and adoptive parents were beyond reproach.