Child with attachment disorder - is this right?

[joblerone1]

(Sorry, long.)

I hope someone can help me. I am trying to find out more about attachment disorder and whether or not my sister is doing the right thing, or potentially damaging a very disturbed little boy even further.

Her 7year old stepson came to live with them 10 months ago. His mother was about to put him into care. He has been diagnosed as having attachment disorder and is very difficult to live with. At worst, he exhibits behaviours such as standing in the bathroom all night, wetting/soiling the bed/himself, ignoring direct questions, avoiding eye contact, screaming in swimming lessons, not putting his clothes into the wash, losing his glasses, lying about it, etc. He gets told off a lot for things which, I feel, as a teacher of 7 year olds, are part and parcel of being a child ? most of my class do some of the things she describes. She insists it?s his way of gaining control, and nothing to do with being a ?normal? child. She gets periodical respite care (twice a month?) and our parents look after him and/or her two other children regularly. I live more than 2 hours away, so cannot help much.

She feels so much at the end of her tether that she is intending to take the rest of the family away on holiday while he goes into respite care for 2 weeks. She wants time to ?regroup? as a family and spend time with ?her girls?. Although I recognise her acute stress levels and the need for regular respite care, I can?t help thinking that 2 weeks in respite while the rest of the family are on holiday (in a caravan, which he loves) can only reinforce this child?s feelings of rejection, separation and worthlessness.
My parents have offered to look after him for the whole two weeks, but my sister says he needs firmer boundaries, and that they are too nice. They regularly look after him at weekends, or if he is home ill from school, and for 45 minutes after school one night a week when the whole family comes for tea.
Have since found out that they've said to him previously that if he didn't behave himself at swimming then he wouldn't be allowed to go on holiday - and now he's not. They are not calling it a punishment, just respite for them, but if they've used it as a parenting tool then I think it is son wrong to withdraw it.
I have read some AD websites that actually warn against the overuse of auxillary services, but feel unqualified to comment. What do people think?

[joblerone1]

r.e. offering to babysit, I work full time and have a 2 year old aswell, so a 5 hour round trip would be out of the question. I would be willing to help my Mum/sister look after him in the holidays.

[KristinaM]

joblerone - is there any practical help you coudl offer your sister?

[Danae]

Message withdrawn

[KristinaM]

sorry x posted.

so you coudl have him on a holiday weekend or during the longer holidays? that woudl be appreciated i'm sure

we have children of 2, 3 and 8 and find they cope with a two hour car journey quite well

[Smurfs]

So to recap - little chap was born and then rejected by his mum. Parents divorce and father remarries, step mum can't cope with demands of step son, one of his step sisters doesn't seem keen on him either and father has lost his back bone and is prepared to make this somebody elses 'problem' rather than help his own son. Little chap had RAD which I am not even going to look up as I know it will be awful.

I want to get in my car pick up this little chap and make him part of our noisy messy, loving family and see what improvements happens

[joblerone1]

I doubt she would let me do anything other than look after all three of them at my Mum's, she would say it wouldn't be fair to my nieces if stayed with me on his own.

In the last three weekends he has stayed with my parents for the first 2 and was in respite care for the third, giving the my sister and dh time both on their own and with the girls.

[KristinaM]

smurfs - there are lots of children in teh care system with attachment issues - you could permanently foster or adopt one. there are lots of troubled children out there

sadly love is not enough to fix these kids

[joblerone1]

KristinaM, please tell me how your secret to managing your children in the car, my ds is a total nightmare and screams most of the way!!!

[Danae]

Message withdrawn

[joblerone1]

Smurfs - yep, pretty accurate description on his life so far.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Sorry, but for a little boy to 'not put his washing in the machine' as a way of gaining control....! Rubbish. I've been asking my dp to put his washing in the machine for 9 years now and my requests fall on deaf ears. Is he trying to control me? No, he is just a bloke.
I wore glasses from the age of 3. Sometimes I lost them. I was frightened that I would get into trouble for losing them so I would fib about where i might have lost them or that someone else had taken them. I wasn't trying to gain control, I just didn't want to get into trouble for losing my glasses.
Mother doesn't want him, father won't take responsibility for him, stepmother thinks that he is interrupting 'her' family.
tbh the washing and glasses things sound like she is trying to find things to punish him for. They are just normal boy things. I bet her dd's do things that are just as 'bad' but that she accepts as normal childrens behaviour.

[joblerone1]

Danae - he has two younger brothers who Social Services also have issues with. The mother of the mother is helpful and looks after him some weekends. My sister has a lot of help!

[Danae]

Message withdrawn

[CarGirl]

so would they consider that all 3 children get a turn in rotation at either eing on their own with sis & dh for special time, or that gp provide that special one to one time. For example you could have 2 children at a time or one at a time in turn???

[Smurfs]

KristinaM - I find this so heartbreaking.

I don't think I have ever been so struck by a thread on here before. My DC are so fortunate and I realise that I live in a bubble in thinking that all children have the same life as my DC, they do not.

I have never given a moments though to fostering or adoption....before now.

[Danae]

Message withdrawn

[KristinaM]

joblerone - i don't want to be rude... but if you can't cope with your own NT 2yo on a two hour car journey you should probably not be criticising your sister who has taken on a very very difficult seven year old with a serious mental health dx

you should be doing everything you can to help her before her marriage and her family are blown apart



its very easy to judge the parents of a special needs child - harder to walk in their shoes for a few months or years

[joblerone1]

I would say that already happens - when my stepnephew is at respite my older niece either gets special time with her mum/stepdad, or is at her grandparents while the younger niece has time with her parents. I don't think my stepnephew has special one to one time, apart from once a week with my parents for 45 mins before the rest of the family arrive - my mum cooks dinner for them all once a week. I look after them all at my mum's for a few hours for the couple of days I am there.
There's no way she would let me have him at my house on his own - she won't even let my parents have him for Easter because he needs continuity and firm boundaries. They are fine to provide this on weekends though

[KristinaM]

she is right, he does need continuity and VERY firm boundaries. i dont understand about the weekday / weekend thing though [ confused emoticon]

[joblerone1]

I don't want to criticise my sister, Kristina, I just feel desperately sorry for them all, but in particular a child who is already miserable and is about to be further rejected for 2 weeks while the rest of the family have fun.

I can't see how having a child who has tantrums in the car makes me unable to have an opinion about an unhappy child

[CarGirl]

that's what I mean they need to sometines let him have the one to one time, sometimes with them and sometimes with GP and perhaps in the future sometimes with you?

[joblerone1]

And I didn't say I couldn't cope with him, we still travel, but with earplugs!

[Danae]

Message withdrawn

[joblerone1]

I will suggest that to her, cargirl.

[Smurfs]

I have taken the decision to not to look up RAD as I have managed to stop crying...for now. So am probably missing something hugely fundamental.

However this little chap has a father, step mother, grand parents on both sides and you the aunt joblerone involved in his life. Why is he pushed from pillar to post at weekends? Why the need for all this respite care and special time - is the time they are all together as a step family not special? surely consistency is the cornerstone here.

I gather he is demanding - so are my DS and DD but I care for them without an army of helpers in the background because I am their mum and that is what I to do.