Child with attachment disorder - is this right?

[joblerone1]

(Sorry, long.)

I hope someone can help me. I am trying to find out more about attachment disorder and whether or not my sister is doing the right thing, or potentially damaging a very disturbed little boy even further.

Her 7year old stepson came to live with them 10 months ago. His mother was about to put him into care. He has been diagnosed as having attachment disorder and is very difficult to live with. At worst, he exhibits behaviours such as standing in the bathroom all night, wetting/soiling the bed/himself, ignoring direct questions, avoiding eye contact, screaming in swimming lessons, not putting his clothes into the wash, losing his glasses, lying about it, etc. He gets told off a lot for things which, I feel, as a teacher of 7 year olds, are part and parcel of being a child ? most of my class do some of the things she describes. She insists it?s his way of gaining control, and nothing to do with being a ?normal? child. She gets periodical respite care (twice a month?) and our parents look after him and/or her two other children regularly. I live more than 2 hours away, so cannot help much.

She feels so much at the end of her tether that she is intending to take the rest of the family away on holiday while he goes into respite care for 2 weeks. She wants time to ?regroup? as a family and spend time with ?her girls?. Although I recognise her acute stress levels and the need for regular respite care, I can?t help thinking that 2 weeks in respite while the rest of the family are on holiday (in a caravan, which he loves) can only reinforce this child?s feelings of rejection, separation and worthlessness.
My parents have offered to look after him for the whole two weeks, but my sister says he needs firmer boundaries, and that they are too nice. They regularly look after him at weekends, or if he is home ill from school, and for 45 minutes after school one night a week when the whole family comes for tea.
Have since found out that they've said to him previously that if he didn't behave himself at swimming then he wouldn't be allowed to go on holiday - and now he's not. They are not calling it a punishment, just respite for them, but if they've used it as a parenting tool then I think it is son wrong to withdraw it.
I have read some AD websites that actually warn against the overuse of auxillary services, but feel unqualified to comment. What do people think?

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

I just want to be clear about something after the delightful response from a1ison

My original post was an attempt to illustrate just how difficult it is to care for children with severe RAD. That even though I am an experienced carer and mother who has cared for children in very difficult circumstances,

I would not take on a child that I knew had RAD. I know my limits. It is clear that outside the fields of LAC and adoption very little is understood about RAD. People seem to think enough cuddles and love will fix things. I stupidly thought my post might get across to those without knowledge how hard it is to cope with RAD in the family.

I did not post my circumtances to illicit sympathy or start 'tradgy top trumps'

I dont need other people to feel sorry for me and I dont want them to.

Carry on

[Sakura]

Sorry I haven't read all the thread but I got as far as Kewcumber 's point about RAD being incurable brain damage. I think there's research to show that brain damage could be reversable.
When OJ did his webchat I asked him about this and he said he replied that it will most likely soon be proven that new neuropathways can be created (or something, I'm not an expert).

But it tells me that damaged children can be healed to a certain extent.

[Sakura]

I must add that there is no doubt in my mind that a child with RAD must be so difficult. The average child is quite difficult, even for a mother with lots of support so a RAD child must be a strain.
But from the other angle, they really really do need love. Being rejected again is disastrous. I do think that hugs and cuddles and acceptance would help these children immensely.
IT's just that the carer needs lots of support and society is not set up to really help parents, mothers, step-parents etc.

[misspollysdolly]

mrsdevere Thanks for posting on here - originally and in response. I think the phrase 'tragedy top trumps' was unnecessarily insensitive. Your point however was valid and appreciated. I have read your posts before and am always touched by the experience you have been through with your oldest DD - especially having spent time professionally with lots of families similarly affected and am always in awe of their courage and the tough tough journey they make with their children. I once asked a parent that I had struck up a fairly good 'friendship' with (I was working regularly with her son - he later died of a brain tumour) how she coped - and she said she had no idea, but you just did. I guess our experiences are all like this when it is a hard, tough road ahead - In the face of it, you just do it. But I completely understand where you are coming from - if we knew what lay ahead, would we dare to set our toe on the path or would we beat a hasty retreat...?! Thank you for posting. MPD

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

Thank you MPD

Ironically when we applied to adopt our Great Nephew (now DS2) we had to go through the same assesment/checks as non family adopters (thats not the ironic bit).

YOu know the bit where they ask you what sort of child you would be prepared to adopt/what disabilities etc you could cope with?

I remember distinctly saying 'I really do not think I could cope with a child with autism. I dont think I am really cut out for that'.

7 years down the line DS is dx with?

Yep autism.

So we dont know what we can cope with till we have to.

If you had asked me 5 years 6 years ago what I would do if one of my children was dx with terminal cancer.... But we did cope and so would everyone here, because you have to.

Having sensitive, caring professionals working with us helped a lot

[Al1son]

MrsDeVere I?ve just come back to this thread and re-read and MPD is quite right. My comment about hardship top trumps was unnecessarily insensitive and I sincerely apologise. I made the mistake of responding when I was angry with others and reading more into your post than was there.

My emotions were running high because of the anger I still feel about the assumption that people caring for children who are challenging should not be challenged when their own behaviour is in question. I?ve seen the damage this assumption can cause more than once.
I didn?t intend to imply that this is worse than anyone else?s experiences, it isn?t. Just that it cannot be justified whatever the circumstances. We should always be willing to question the adults to protect the children.
I?m quite sure my words will be taken selectively again and twisted round to mean something else but that?s fine. It?s a hazard of posting on mumsnet. I will never stop believing that all children need love and security regardless of whatever else they need in addition to those.
I hope you will accept my apology.

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

Of course I accept your apology and thank you for offering it.

I dont disagree with your views on child protection. My adopted son is still suffering the affects of a relatively short period of neglect.

I do think that there is very little understanding of RAD in the mainstream generally. I wouldnt, however, assume that all carers and adoptive parents were beyond reproach.

[Al1son]

Thank you.

[misspollysdolly]

[MatthewS]

misspollysdolly,

Thanks for linking to my post on Secondary Trauma experienced by parents of of kids with RAD. Parents of RAD kids need respite care support, if possible, and a great deal compassion by those around them. It is, in my opinion, some of the most challenging parenting possible.

Best,
MatthewS

[lennon80]

He clearly needs CAMH's intervention and I would suggest that you talk to your sister about accessing this ASAP and really you do need to push for it. This little boy has massive attachment issues and yes they are being made worse by sticking him in respite care..it is a very temporary solution to a very long term problem. The poor little mite.

[NanaNina]

Sorry I haven't read every post of here but I think I have the picture. I write as a social worker with 30 years experience of working with troubled children and as a parent of 3 and a step parent of 1. All my kids and step-daughter are all grown now and have families of their own.

I think there have been some misconceptions about attachment disorder on some of the posts. Clearly this child has insecure attachments because he has experienced neglect and emotional abuse in his formative years. Children who have parents who are attuned to their needs and meet those needs in all respects form secure attachments with their parents.

Children with insecure attachments "learn" that adults are not to be trusted, and that can often become very self reliant as a result, or very clingy and demanding. It is true to some extent that a child's brain is affected by neglect and abuse at an early age. There is a good book called "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt that explains this much better that I can. However it is not the case that children with insecure attachemnts are brain damaged for life, nor are they mentally ill, as has been suggested.

It IS possible to help a child with an insecure attachment but it takes an enormous amount of patience and a true understanding of attachment disorders. Children in this category have chronolical ages of say 7, (as inthis case) but emotionally they are very often functioning at amuch much younger age, because their development has been "arrested" by the neglect and emotiona harm they have suffered. It is often necessary to allow the child to regress to a much younger age. In essence the child's view of the world (that adults are not to be trusted and they are worthless) has to be changed and this is possible but needs motivation, patience and time, and heartache along the way.

I feel for the OPs sister on 2 levels. She is trying to cope with a child who she cannot love (or even like) and she is set on the idea that he is trying to control. In actual fact the child is in turmoil. But trying to like a child who is not your own is very very hard (I never really liked my step daughter and she didn't live with us - but stayed for holidays) and I was ashamed of myself for feeling like this with a young child but this did not mean that I could like her any better. In fact many years of my life were ruined, and yes I wanted holidays with just "my" own three boys and my P as this I saw as "our family"

I still don't have a good r/ship with my step-dtr and never will. I think that the OPs sister needs to be "released" from caring for this child as unfortunately he is being further rejected (not a criticism but an observation) and this will make his insecure atachment disorder much worse.

I think the Op should talk to her sister about this and help her to get over the guilt and shame she may feel at having to acknowledge that she cannot care for this child. She doesn't like it when others care about him (like your parents) and I didn't like it when others told me my step-dtr was a "sweet child" - she didn't have any of the problems of the 7 year old boy, but it didn't make any difference. In fact it was worse because I had nothing to blame my dislike of her and yes I felt ashamed and only step-parents faced with this problem will understand.

Hope the Ops sister can accept that the child must be moved to foster carers before he is damaged any further.

[thecaptaincrocfamily]

I think your sister may benefit from a parenting course. Her expectations of a seven year old are completely unrealistic firstly. At 9 then maybe but 7 He may be a little young for his age but he is a child. She needs to look at why he is trying to gain control - if children feel helpless they seek power. If children are ignored and not praised they seek attention. It sounds like he knows he is classed as second rate to 'her girls'. He needs a loving and caring environment without judgement which I feel he isn't likely to get with your sister.

[thecaptaincrocfamily]

PS what NanaNina said is spot on.

[misspollysdolly]

This is such an old thread guys...and has resurfaced several times...

MPD

[Kewcumber]

sitting on my hands too MPD - but can't resist saying that "insecure attachment" is not at all the same as RAD.

[misspollysdolly]

Yep.




And that is (probably) all I will be saying on this thread...



MPD

[NanaNina]

Kewcumber - I don't understand why you say insecure attachment is not at all the same as RAD. Can you explain please. Oh and what does MPD mean misspollydolly?

[misspollysdolly]

It stands for M iss P ollys D olly

[NanaNina]

Kewcumber - since you haven't explained what you mean by saying that "insecure attachemnt" is not at allthe same as RAD, I will have to challenge you on this.

The issues about attachment disorders and reactive attachment disorders are one and the same thing (the reactive bit is used by the USA) whereas in the UK we tend to think of attachment disorder, but it doesn't really matter because as I say they meanthe same thing.

If a childis cared for, loved and nurtured and his/her needs are met in all respects from birth, then that will set up a secure attachment pattern between the child and the parents/caregivers. The child learns that adults are to be trusted and this promotes good self esteem in the child, with hugely beneficial effects that will last through the lifepsan.

Conversely if a child's needs are not met from birth, they learn that adults are not to be trusted - in effect the child has an insecure attachment with parents/caregivers and the child then deals with this insecurity in a variety of ways; some become very self reliant and try to care for themselves as they grow older as they know that adults can't be trusted to care for them. Sometimes a child becomes very clingy
and demanding in an attempt to get the attention of his parents.
However children with insecure attachemnts do sometimes thrive to some extent, because they make decisions (not at a conscious level)at the best way of surviving even with parents who are not emotionally available to them.

If a child lives in an abusive and chaotic
home they cannot find any way of coping with such a situation and these children have a disorganised attachment disorder, meaning they cannot find a way of organising themselves in order to survive in such a household.

I am not trying to score points but I do actually run training courses for prospective foster carers and adoptors, and could if necessary give much more info about attachment disorders.

[NanaNina]

Maryz - I don't know what "getting bumped" means! I think attchment issues are one of the important factors in the OPs concerns about her sister's step son. I don't think any one is trying to be rude, I just think that Kewcumber made a comment that didn't make any sense and I just wanted to set the record straight. Oh just looked at my last sentence where I am offering more info on attchment issues and agree that this is not the place for more detailed info on that specific issue - is that what you meant?

[NanaNina]

Maryz - thanks for that. I just had not realised that the OP was back in 2008! I will be more careful next time, to make sure I look at the date of the OP.