Child with attachment disorder - is this right?

[joblerone1]

(Sorry, long.)

I hope someone can help me. I am trying to find out more about attachment disorder and whether or not my sister is doing the right thing, or potentially damaging a very disturbed little boy even further.

Her 7year old stepson came to live with them 10 months ago. His mother was about to put him into care. He has been diagnosed as having attachment disorder and is very difficult to live with. At worst, he exhibits behaviours such as standing in the bathroom all night, wetting/soiling the bed/himself, ignoring direct questions, avoiding eye contact, screaming in swimming lessons, not putting his clothes into the wash, losing his glasses, lying about it, etc. He gets told off a lot for things which, I feel, as a teacher of 7 year olds, are part and parcel of being a child ? most of my class do some of the things she describes. She insists it?s his way of gaining control, and nothing to do with being a ?normal? child. She gets periodical respite care (twice a month?) and our parents look after him and/or her two other children regularly. I live more than 2 hours away, so cannot help much.

She feels so much at the end of her tether that she is intending to take the rest of the family away on holiday while he goes into respite care for 2 weeks. She wants time to ?regroup? as a family and spend time with ?her girls?. Although I recognise her acute stress levels and the need for regular respite care, I can?t help thinking that 2 weeks in respite while the rest of the family are on holiday (in a caravan, which he loves) can only reinforce this child?s feelings of rejection, separation and worthlessness.
My parents have offered to look after him for the whole two weeks, but my sister says he needs firmer boundaries, and that they are too nice. They regularly look after him at weekends, or if he is home ill from school, and for 45 minutes after school one night a week when the whole family comes for tea.
Have since found out that they've said to him previously that if he didn't behave himself at swimming then he wouldn't be allowed to go on holiday - and now he's not. They are not calling it a punishment, just respite for them, but if they've used it as a parenting tool then I think it is son wrong to withdraw it.
I have read some AD websites that actually warn against the overuse of auxillary services, but feel unqualified to comment. What do people think?

[Flight]

This one

[joblerone1]

Yes, you are right.

[CarGirl]

joblerone I remembered the thread and assumed it was the same situation and it probably has coloured my responses on this thread. Am I correct in thinking that your eldest niece has a different dad to the youngest niece?????

[Kewcumber]

blimey you all have better memories than I do!

[joblerone1]

Yes, cargirl - blimey you do indeed have a good memory! She told me then that her husband's priority was the girls

[Anna8888]

joblerone1 - I won't comment on this thread because I have no qualification or experience to do so.

However, I am blown away by your parents. I think are stars to take care of their SN stepgrandchild in this way.

[joblerone1]

They are brilliant

[edam]

Very true, Anna.

[Daedalus]

I have changed my name for this as this is not really my story to tell but thought it was worth telling.

DP is adopted and was not the easiest child in the world. He has a younger sister also adopted. As a young teenager, the family was going through awful problems and simply did not function. DP was blamed for this, even though it was the fault of the family group as a whole. The decision was made to put DP into foster care to give the family unit time to rebuild. DP went home after a period of time.

The result? Ostensibly things had marginally improved but the only reason for this was that DP was internalising his anger and rejection. He has never forgiven his parents for this and never will (over 20 years on). The feelings of anger and rejection nearly destroyed him and others who came into contact with him. His father died without making it up with him and even now he goes through the mechanics of a relationship with his mother but with no feeling at all. It has had profound effects on his entire life.

The point I am making is that it might appear as temporary respite now, but they may all live with the consequences for the rest of their lives, DPs family have. Either your sister accepts him as a full part of her family or he is not part of it all (IMO). I don't know what you should do, but someone needs to make your sister aware that there could be terrible consequences if she continues to push this little boy out of the family group.

[CarGirl]

What daedulas has posted is what I was hinting at earlier on. If you cannot truly love a child and accept them despite their issues then you are doing them a disservice, that is how I feel about the time I spent as a step mum (we had full time care IYSWIM not contact visits IYSWIM)

[joblerone1]

That's how I feel. I don't think having just one child means I should stand by the side and say nothing. I don't take any of it lightly, but this child has known nothing but rejection.

[edam]

that's what worries me about your description of the situation - that he is being treated as the cuckoo in the nest. Reinforcing the horrible rejection he has already experienced.

No idea what you can do about it, though, I'm afraid.

[Flight]

Reading this and the previous thread, makes me wish that I had not had children of my own - purely because had I not had my two, I would be at liberty to move to wherever this little lad lives, and offer to take him on myself.

It strikes me that he would be better off with a parent who wanted him - someone to adopt him and put every effort into healing his poor battered little soul.

There must be a way to make this happen?
He needs to be cuddled 24 hours a day to put some love back into him.

I can't bear to think of how he must be feeling.

Of course had he gone into care he may not have been taken on, might have ended up in care for good, but I wonder what is better - that kind of rejection where at least professionals are taking care of him, or being somewhere he is just ostracised.

[Kewcumber]

flight from teh decription of his needs/age/sex it wouldn be stastically inlikely that he would be placed for adoption. Its moot point whether foster care would be better or worse for him, good foster care is excellent, poor foster care is aweful and there no guarantee that he would stay with the same foster carers for any length of time.

[Flight]

I just wish I could do it.

[grannyslippers]

I have read the other thread now. Am quite saddened by some of the responses. I'm sure Joblerone's sister is a caring, intelligent person who really wants the best for this little boy. But (OK I'm assuming here based on what I've read on RAD) PROBABLY he IS a cuckoo in the nest - he doesn't want to be loved, he doesn't want a mother, all he wants is to keep control of his own life and make sure everyone else feels as bad and worthless as he does.

Your sister has all the calls here. It's up to her to teach the child how to love a mother, as that's the relationship that all the others are based on.

In the Dan Hughes story, the (in that case) foster mum is absolutely pivotal in helping the attachment damaged little girl to come out of her defensive behaviours and learn healthy attachment. Only a trained and very personally secure person with therapeutic support could do this - it would be "super-parenting". (and this is assuming RAD is "curable" in some way)

If your sister has taken on this challenge then she needs all the support she can get, from every direction. It sounds like the family is struggling to cope though, and wondering if the price is too high. I should imagine any other foster or adoptive parent, however good their intentions, would be in the same position after a short while.

Absolutely she needs to count on your support Joblerone. She probably knows it might be the wrong decision about the holiday but it might be her own marriage at stake, she would not be the first.

[grannyslippers]

Re-reading that it comes over a bit hard on the little boy - must emphasize I am not saying any of this is his fault or decision - or that he's inherently a bad child. He is just (probably) badly hurt and damaged to the point of not really being in control of his outlook on life. ohhhh

[misspollysdolly]

This is a really tough situation - not one that can easily (if ever) fixed or improved. That may sound very negative, but attachment disorders are behavioural disorders that start fundamentally in the brain as a result of poor bonding at a very basic, primitive and young level.

My DD (8) is adopted, came to live with us at 3 and seems in many ways to be very normal, but has what we call 'shades' of her behaviour that are just not the same as her peers. Your sister's DSS's behaviour sounds quite extreme by comparison, but I notice how many posts refer to his behaviour as being largely normal and expected for a child of this age. We encounter this all the time and although well intentioned it is ultimately not a helpful observation as we also recognise that my DD just isn't quite the same, but sometimes (in fact most of the time) we are the only ones who are aware of the odd little things she does. It can make you feel like you are mad, paranoid, and can cause you to question your parenting abilities and whether or not you can really care enough. That sounds harsh but it really is how it feels sometimes.

I think the holiday with respite for DSS is a brilliant idea as it sounds like they all need a break. During this time they need to think about what they need in terms of support and how they might go about getting that. Understanding that they are not the cause of his behaviour is important. It is very stressful caring for a child like this. They must not underestimate HOW stressful and must seek a space for them to talk (to a cousellor or other confidante preferably) about his behaviour and how it makes them all feel. Otherwise the household will be a tense, stressed and difficult place for them all to be.

A good book to look at is called: First steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts - Tiddlers and Toddlers' by Caroline Archer. I know he is older but his development is probably stuck in this period, plus it explains a lot of attachment issues. There is then a follow on book called 'Next Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts'. They are both very good. She could also look up (online) a service called Catchpoint - which is one of the only ones that specialise in therapy specifically for children with attachment disorders in the country. The service they provide is excellent and they will consider referrals from all over the country. Good luck and many happy thoughts your way

[joblerone1]

Thank you for your recommendations. Catchpoint in particular looks really helpful.

[magso]

I would second Misspolly post, my dc has a similar history. It is particularly difficult for the primary carer (presumably your sister)when a child has attachment issues (caused by a previous carer). Much of the unusual behaviour is directed at the primary carer, and is targeted to be consistantly hurtful or irritating to that person. It felt like dc was trying dcs utmost to convince me I couldnt hack it - and sometimes I couldnt. I needed breaks to go on giving unconditionally and to recover my sense of perspective (it feels like you are failing as a parent and dc loves everyone but you). Later other carers get targeted too (your bil and dps)
Life is improving now - years later- I think dc got the message we are for ever - eventually! Dc was young when taken out of the neglectful situation. We have gone back to basics to rebuild what we can. That shadow as misspolly calls it is still there and affects all who get really close. Dc still needs very strict (but loving) boundaries. I still need time to recover.
What I'm trying to say is your sis may need support rather than doubt or critisism. And she probabably does feel like giving up - sometimes! You are lovely to care.

[ByTheSea]

I responded to your thread last year. I am the mum who is raising my stepson who has RAD as well and think I even pointed you in that direction. Apparently, your sister's stepson now has this diagnosis too. Most of the posters here with the exception of KristinaM and Kewcumber, especially early in the thread, made me very sad. RAD is a special need, and clearly your sister is understanding this. She clearly cannot be the best mum she can be to her stepson without having some respite. It is not just about loving the child enough -- I have loved my stepson every day for 10 1/2 years and it hasn't been enough. We are now using a medication and still trying to get intensive therapy here, but chances are my DS is facing a lifetime of mental health problems due to trauma he experienced ante-natally and in his infancy.

Every holiday I've been on in the last ten years has been tough going, as my DS (yes, I call him that even though he's my stepson -- I'm the only mum he knows) will try to sabotage almost every event at family fun. It's how he keeps control. Living with a child with RAD is very difficult for the whole family, and most experts in it believe that the family must be occasionally refreshed, physicially, mentally and emotionally, in order to endure the hardship that therapeutic parenting is. While your parents are very kind to offer, a child with RAD needs very firm boundaries and it is not good for the child to have two weeks of him seeming to be in control. So, if they are to provide the respite, they need to sign on to do things the way your sister is probably trying to do. The way you describe your step-nephew's behaviour doesn't seem that extreme, but I'm sure it is to her living with it, because it is difficult to imagine unless you do.

MissPollyDolly has some excellent recommendations too. Please check them out.

[Danae]

Message withdrawn

[ByTheSea]

Danae, we have every reason to believe that DS's birth mother was using crack during the pg. My DH had left the relationship prior to knowing she was pg with DS and the reason was that she was stealing all his money to finance a crack habit.

Apologies for saying that there weren't many understanding posts earlier. I just re-scanned the thread, which I rushed through earlier, and see that there were actually several posters who do have an understanding of attachment disorders. I'm sorry that your childhood was like that Danae, and I hope that my DS can heal before adulthood.

[joblerone1]

My parents adhere to the routine in a fashion which is good enough once a week after school, several weekends a month and whenever he is off school ill, for the last 10 months.
What if I suspect the strict routine is not rooted in kindness, but resentment?

[ByTheSea]

Is your sister getting professional help joblerone1? Although I know from personal experience that CAMHS do not have enough expertise in this and we spent five years with them trying out various therapies on DS, none of which worked. The only thing that I've seen work, in my research, is specialised therapy for attachment issues and this is very long-term, intensive, expensive and difficult to get funded, even though it's so so necessary.