Child with attachment disorder - is this right?

[joblerone1]

(Sorry, long.)

I hope someone can help me. I am trying to find out more about attachment disorder and whether or not my sister is doing the right thing, or potentially damaging a very disturbed little boy even further.

Her 7year old stepson came to live with them 10 months ago. His mother was about to put him into care. He has been diagnosed as having attachment disorder and is very difficult to live with. At worst, he exhibits behaviours such as standing in the bathroom all night, wetting/soiling the bed/himself, ignoring direct questions, avoiding eye contact, screaming in swimming lessons, not putting his clothes into the wash, losing his glasses, lying about it, etc. He gets told off a lot for things which, I feel, as a teacher of 7 year olds, are part and parcel of being a child ? most of my class do some of the things she describes. She insists it?s his way of gaining control, and nothing to do with being a ?normal? child. She gets periodical respite care (twice a month?) and our parents look after him and/or her two other children regularly. I live more than 2 hours away, so cannot help much.

She feels so much at the end of her tether that she is intending to take the rest of the family away on holiday while he goes into respite care for 2 weeks. She wants time to ?regroup? as a family and spend time with ?her girls?. Although I recognise her acute stress levels and the need for regular respite care, I can?t help thinking that 2 weeks in respite while the rest of the family are on holiday (in a caravan, which he loves) can only reinforce this child?s feelings of rejection, separation and worthlessness.
My parents have offered to look after him for the whole two weeks, but my sister says he needs firmer boundaries, and that they are too nice. They regularly look after him at weekends, or if he is home ill from school, and for 45 minutes after school one night a week when the whole family comes for tea.
Have since found out that they've said to him previously that if he didn't behave himself at swimming then he wouldn't be allowed to go on holiday - and now he's not. They are not calling it a punishment, just respite for them, but if they've used it as a parenting tool then I think it is son wrong to withdraw it.
I have read some AD websites that actually warn against the overuse of auxillary services, but feel unqualified to comment. What do people think?

[joblerone1]

Not much. They have seen a behavioural therapist who feels it would be of more use to speak to my sister and her dh every now and again. The respite was arranged through my her contacts and paid for by his school .

[ByTheSea]

It is great that you care so much Joblerone1. Your sister really needs to seek more expert help than this. Conventional therapies do not work on attachment disorder and a lot of time may be wasted in trying them. Unfortunately, there are not enough places here in the UK which do specialise in attachment issues, and for the most part IME, it is more difficult to get this expert help when you're in a step situation than an adoptive or foster placement. Have your sister take a look at the Family Futures website as well - they are another specialist centre.

In any case, if your sister is trying a very strict routine, it may be that she has read some of the books dealing with this and is trying to use therapeutic parenting techniques. While I have never had a holiday without my DS, I can totally understand how a family can be at the end of their tether and really need the break from a child with this disorder -- without a doubt it can have terrible effects not just on parents but on the other children living in the home. Unless your living with your sister, you really can't know how hard it is. And children with AD or RAD can be so charming whenever anyone else is around, it's difficult to believe the behaviours that come out behind closed doors.

I've got to sign out for the evening, but I'll check back tomorrow. Good luck joblerone1.

[joblerone1]

Ok - thanks.

[Danae]

Message withdrawn

[joblerone1]

I do. Yes, her dh is exactly that. He has admitted that his ds hasn't turned out the way he'd hoped and that he has difficulty boding with him. My sister does most of the work and definitely resents the time taken away from 'her girls'. She becomes quite cold and clinical when discussing him and reverts to technical language from her job. She won't discuss any compromise in her parenting and seems to harangue him for the smallest of things. My eldest niece has started to copy her and speak to him like her mother does. I have been present when she has been annoying him with a toy right in his face. He ran away from her and was shouted at for running in the house, then he asked her nicely to stop it because he didn't like it. She ignored him and I was on the point of taking it off her when her mother walked in and, on hearing the story, bollocked my stepnephew for getting upset about silly things. He doesn't seemm to be able to do anything right in her eyes at the moment.

[joblerone1]

boding=bonding

[mumwhereareyou]

I haven't read all the posts, but DS is under paeds and CAHMS for Attachment disorder and i truly sympthanise with the parents. We have three children and my two DDs often suffer becuse we spend so much time on our DS, as well as attachment disorder he also has a speech problem and mild sensory problems. They are all interlinked in a way and all connected to the very poor start in had in his first two years of life.

I feel quite sure that a lot of people think we are bad parents and can't parent our child, although DDs are "normal" children.

We are hoping that with time and theraply things will improve, we are lucky that our paed is very good and i can often just ring for a chat.

[ByTheSea]

It sounds like a very tough situation, joblerone1. It can seem like a lot of resentment and I know how it can build up and it is hard to wake up with a positive attitude towards such a difficult child every day. I know my DDs often feel like they don't get enough attention from me because DS takes so much time and attention. I am sure that to DS2 I have many times looked to the outer parent as the worst parent in the world. Please pass on these links to your sister.

[GNiBhroin]

Joblerone1...I get your problem..here are are few other things to consider:
Avenanap: is correct, respite is really for children with profound special needs
Cargirl: it is very easy not to like children with AD, they are manipulative enough to create that it makes them feel more comfortable). If a child only ever gives negative feedback, it is even more difficult to like/love them. (Think about saying, we are going to Lego land, then we are going to Disneyland, and anticipate they are going to be delighted...you have saved your money, you have put aside holiday, you have looked forward to a happy time....but they don't feel they deserve it and behave in such a way as it is a disaster). It is crushing.
Smurfs: you have got it so wrong. It is naive to think a stable homelife, to feel loved, cherished + important to his family is all he needs. This is a particular syndrome that normal family life will not treat.
KristinaM: correct, love is not enough to heal these kids.....it is harder to walk in the shoes of those who care for them. HOWEVER even very firm boundaries do not work for children with AD (+ I speak from experience + research). It is, as you say, a recognised mental health disorder.
Grannyslippers is right, their brains are wired differently.
Kewcumber: AD IS NOT brain damage...look it up. It is an emotional disorder which has profound affects on social, emotional, behavioural + educational development.
My adopted son (11), who has been with us since he was 4 and a half, will probably be in trouble with the police in the near future because he has never felt attached enough to do the right thing/to be sorry/to want to please.
Joblerone1: Well done to you for trying to do the right thing.
To everyone else; it is very easy to judge, and feel public sympathy for an adopted child. I lied to my sisters + brother (my 2 adopted childrens' aunts + uncles) because I wanted my adopted children to have a good relationship with them and I didn't want to disclose anything confidential or personal about them. I mentioned odd examples...but they were a fraction of what was really going on. And I ended up being judged. People thought I was being unfair to children who needed sympathy or who they thought could have done better for them.
Children who have been adopted will either need the same care as children born to their families, or extra care. But it is improper to feel sorry for them, and with AD, that sympathy gives them something to lean on, not grow from.

[Kewcumber]

AD IS NOT brain damage...look it up (thanks for the suggestion but I already had in additiona to personal experience albeit not as profound as yours) - there are professionals who disagree with you (as well as those who would agree) but I don't want to get into a fight over it as its irrelevant to the treatment of this child. I know of professionals who use the brain damage analogy to explain the problem to people with no experience of AD. It brings home the very serious and potentially permanent damage AD causes. The brain of a seriously affected AD child is permanently changed by the neglect/abuse they suffered and cannot just change back based on a bit of tlc.

[GNiBhroin]

Kewcumber...OK, I kinda get what you are saying now

[Keeks]

This is the first time I've posted as I only just found this forum having googled "RAD". My son who is 5 has just been diagnosed with RAD, we adopted him and his older and younger brother four years ago and there were warning signs from quite early on. Guess I wanted to say you can't judge this lady by the "normal" parenting opinions - what she is dealing with is like nothing on earth - please believe me - she probably hasn't told you the half off it - I don't tell people - it's too extreme and it affects all of you in the house - we can't go anywhere - family holidays are ruined as my son just can't allow himself to have a good time, he throws knives at us, harms himself, breaking things - I mean pull curtains off the wall and such like - it's like living in a war zone for a significant period of time and you really, really do need to have a break from it - I don't think she is being cruel to her stepson - I think she is giving herself - and the rest of the family - a break from it - if she doesn't she may well break down and then they would all be up the creek wouldn't they. My advise - for what it is worth - is offer a friendly, sympathetic, non judgemental ear because any well meant, ill informed advice might just tip her over the edge. One or two of my close friends are fantastic as they have some insight into the sheer hard work and misery and they keep me going. I've also had the "He just needs love." "He's fine with me." type comments and honestly, it drives hell into me!!!

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

I am not qualified above A level, but iirc from Psychology the best way to deal with attatchment disorders is to be consistant.

Childcare should be consistant i.e. if she does use respite it should be done with the same carers each time and for the same length of time each time, so the child knows what is going on.

Routines should be in place and stuck to inc one on one time with the child.

It is very important for the child to feel safe, secure and loved within the family unit.

I also think she should be getting specialist help on this.

[JazzHands]

I thought this thread sounded familiar!

It is from a year ago...

Would be nice to hear how it all worked out though if the OP is still on MN

[KristinaM]

keks - i am so sorry to hear about your situation

you say you now have a Dx so I'm guessing you are getting professional support. please demand support from your LA. As you knwo, if the adoption breaks down they will have to place your son in residential care which costs them thousands of pounds per week

PAD in London is meant to be excellent for RAD kids.

are you getting professional respite?

have you a local adoption uk support group?

[Kewcumber]

Family Futures also has an excelletn reputation .

[SassieB]

Hi

Read a book called Nuturing Attachments - supporting children who are fostered or adopted by Kim S Golding. I've found it invaluable.

Good luck. x

[cory]

I understand what you're saying, Kristina. But the things this little boy is said to have been doing don't strike me as very extreme examples of attachment disorder (I have experience!). Refusing to put your laundry in the wash, losing his glasses- this would hardly be considered very disturbing from a healthy 7yo. It's precisely what I would expect from my perfectly healthy 8yo. I may grumble, but I'm hardly surprised.

Standing in the bathroom all night is more worrying, but I have seen worse.

If she treats normal behaviour as something disturbing to be punished, then the poor little lad won't know what is normal. It sounds like she has little idea of what ordinary little boys are like, so that must make it quite difficult to deal with a disturbed little boy.

I did grow up with a troubled adopted child, and I am sure if my Mum had taken the same extremely strict and fussing approach, he would now be a very troubled adult.

[KristinaM]

cory - my recent comment was addressed to keeks, who posted last week to say that her son has been diagnosed with RAD.

the OP is a year old now

[Keeks]

KristinaM - thanks so much for your post - can you let me know what PAD is? Cheers!!!

[joblerone1]

Unfortunately, the child was put into foster care, as a 'temporary' measure, in June of last year. He is still there.

I still believe the situation is a mixture of extreme difficulty because of his attachment disorder and a refusal on my sister's part to let anything spoil her life with 'her girls'.

He visits the family every weekend and Wednesday, so that he sees my parents, too, who remain very involved. He is on holiday with the family now in the caravan.

His behaviour hasn't got any better or worse - he exhibits the same behaviours for the foster carer (who is the same lady providing respite care) and his childminder after school.

Both women have separately, and secretly, rung my mother to complain of my sister's unfair treatment of her stepson. Both have been involved with him since the beginning - the foster carer in particular knows exactly what he is like, and worries about my sister's hardline attitude.

She is very good at fighting his corner professionally, and continues to ensure he gets the best education (she moved him and her eldest daughter to a better school because they didn't understand, or want to understand, attachment disorder and weren't teaching him according to his statement) and treatment (she is still fighting for him to receive therapy).

His attachment disorder is such that, as keks describes, if everything is going well he will deliberately spoil things by soiling his pants/hiding soiled pants/weeing in the laundry basket because he believes he doesn't deserve nice things. It's also about control - he feels as if things are out of his hands if things are going well and people (teachers, for example) praise him, so he takes back control by doing something horrible.

It's a very very sad situation. I can't really see any way out of it, or any way in which he will develop into an adult with any kind of self worth or 'normal' life. I also cannot believe the total lack of help that children with mental health issues receive in this country. Poor child.

[Nancy66]

Oh no - that poor little boy.

First his birth mother rejects him, then his father goes to live with another woman and happily plays daddy to her little girls - then he and the new mother reject him.

Adults can be so heartless.

Sounds like your sister is doing everything practical and nothing emotional (to appease her own guilt perhaps?)I do feel sorry for you and your mum Joblerone - because you sound very stressed out by it and as though you (being on the outside) are doing all you can.

But why the hell isn't the boy's dad putting his own son first? How can he be step dad to two girls whilst his own flesh and blood is languishing in the care system? Words fail me.

[daisysue2]

Just to say again as another poster said contact Adoption Uk they do intensive therapy for RAD. Not sure how effective it is but they have a lot of experience of adoption breakdowns because of RAD. Friend of mine had an adoption placement end because of RAD she just couldn't carry on.

[FC1]

read anything Dan Hughes has written about attachment disorder. It will help put things into context.

supporting a child with these issues can be very stressful as 'normal' parenting isn't usually effective and therefore starts to impact on the whole family unit and the child takes you to there 'damaged world' rather than you being able to help them into your ' healthier world'.

It's hard work!!

[Al1son]

I've just read through this thread and have to say that I'm glad that this child has ended up in the care system. It sounds like his stepmum was not emotionally equipped to give him the care he needed but the foster mum sounds like she's doing a good job. Being in care is not necessarily the worst option - foster carers are a special breed.

I really hope that this little chap is getting a better deal now. Attachment disorder may not be something you can cure with love and stability but I'm very sure that the lack if these won't help such children.

It would be lovely to hear if things have improved any further for him if you are still around joblerone1.