Any social workers about? Teen refusing to get into car to go on holiday; two-hour stand-off so far…

[EmmatheStageRat]

My 14-year-old adopted daughter, who has multiple diagnoses, including ADHD and autism with a PDA profile. She steals and lies incessantly, goes missing regularly and basically does not respect any of society’s boundaries or norms. She is newly on a Child in Need plan, because of her multiple complexities and because I am on my knees and broken through dealing with the daily dysfunction/s.

We were due to leave for holiday at 10am this morning and it is now nearly 1pm and she is still refusing to get in the car. I have the car loaded and my elderly housebound mum is waiting in the passenger seat and my six-year-old is strapped in the back. I can’t get through to her/our Outreach worker and the Emergency Duty Team number is just ringing out. The rest of the family really needs and wants this holiday. Dealing with my DD’s extreme behaviours has taken its toll on our mental and physical health and well-being.

Help! What are my next steps?

I’m sorry to hear this. I’m not sure a duty social worker will do anything to help you in this scenario. What are you wanting help with? Getting her in the car? Finding a carer for her?

Where's the child's father? Can he stay with her and the rest of you go on holiday?

Can you bribe her?

A duty SW could provide accommodation. It would escalate things of course. At 14 children can leave home and be accommodated by the LA. What would she do if you drove off?

Turn the electric off...your freezer will be ok for min 8hrs...internet will be fooked.

She's adopted @dudsville
I'm assuming neither biological parents are in any contact.

Tell her if she doesn’t like it there you will consider returning home

Jesus. I assume six year old pleading with her will have zero effect and neither will bribery and that you have no other childcare options. Can you drop off your family and come back for her?

You say she’s adopted? Pretty sure there’s nothing a duty social worker will do. My son’s friend is fostered and he came to our house once at the weekend and refused to leave, wouldn’t give me a phone number for his foster parents or anything. I spent hours being pushed from SS to the police, no one was interested. I can’t imagine you’ll have any joy with SS .

What do you want a social worker to do. Where is the holiday, can it be delayed. Longterm are you able to look after your daughter without more support.

I have a 14 year old with a PDA profile too, so I understand. Are you going abroad/a long way away? Is someone else able to take the rest of the family while you deal with DD? Waiting for her to get in the car will just be increasing the demand on her.

What does she say she wants to do?

Recently when we had a similar scenario with my niece, it was because she decided she'd rather stay home on her own and play Xbox online. So we told her we were all going in half an hour whether she chose to get in the car or not and that I was taking the router, tV remote and every games controller with me. Similarly, she is autistic, but likes to run the household and is making everyone else miserable in her quest for control.

🤔

Just to add, get everyone out of the car, it isn't helping. The holiday might not happen with her, so think about what you do want to happen. A lot of people can't holiday with autistic teens who don't have such complex diagnosis.

First, I would desescalate and get mum and 6yr old and all have some lunch. Then, trying reasoning again.

Adhd and autism might mean that she us "stuck" and cannot see a way out.
Talk to her. Is she scared of something, is the transition too much, even excitement can send them into a spin so they act out and it doesn't happen. Basically, what's the sticking point?

Where are you going and staying?
I am assuming it is not a flight? In which case, yes you may set off later, but it is still possible to get there even if you have to try again tomorrow.

I dont think this is "deliberate" as such. All behaviour is communication, you just have to figure out what she is trying to say with no judgement, even if it seems nonsensical to you.

Good luck!

Give a contact a ring, they provide a helpline for parents and carers of children with additional needs. Not sure if they're open on a Sunday but worth a try.

contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/our-helpline/

If you can leave her with her dad or another family member, then do that so you can actually have a holiday. Unfortunately, it's going to be a bus man's holiday if she comes with you and you won't get a mental break.

What does she want to do instead?

Do you have a husband or partner? If so, can one of you take the car and go on holiday, while the other (temporarily) stays home with DD?

Can you afford a monetary bribe? Not an ideal long term situation but may get her in the car I wish you lots of luck OP

There is no way a duty social worker would accommodate an adopted child at the weekend because they wouldn’t get in the car to go on holiday.

At 14 children can leave home and be accommodated by the LA.

Can, sure, but there was a strong lack of this when I was a child (it was court ordered for a sibling multiple times but the LA couldn’t accommodate) and it’s only got worse since then.

I agree. If she is motivated by money I’d offer her a fair whack just to get on with the holiday.

Is there a particular reason she won’t get in the car? Sensory overload from too many people? Or simple that she doesn’t want to go?

Is this holiday time sensitive? I mean, obviously you want to get going, but have you got a flight to catch? Or have you got some time to play around with even if it’s inconvenient?

Your daughter can probably sense how stressed and tense you are, so try and be calm and ask her if there is anything you can do that would make her feel better about getting in the car?

www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

Is she saying why she won't get in the car? Is she scared of something?

I don't think a social worker can help in this situation.

What would she do if you drove off? Just out of her sight, I don't mean really setting off.

What does she want to do instead?

Unfortunately childrens social care won’t see this as an emergency or crisis despite your daughter’s needs and her CIN plan.

I’d take everyone inside for a drink and some lunch and see if your DD comes around. My DS has autism / PDA, so I’ve been there. It’s incredibly frustrating, especially when you have a much needed holiday planned. But it’s virtually impossible to force a child with PDA to do something. Is there any chance she’ll change her mind, do you think? Any aspect of the holiday she’ll enjoy?

Longer term, are you able to continue like this? My DS went to a residential school from ages 13-16 and it really helped him a lot and gave us some much needed respite.