Any social workers about? Teen refusing to get into car to go on holiday; two-hour stand-off so far…

[EmmatheStageRat]

My 14-year-old adopted daughter, who has multiple diagnoses, including ADHD and autism with a PDA profile. She steals and lies incessantly, goes missing regularly and basically does not respect any of society’s boundaries or norms. She is newly on a Child in Need plan, because of her multiple complexities and because I am on my knees and broken through dealing with the daily dysfunction/s.

We were due to leave for holiday at 10am this morning and it is now nearly 1pm and she is still refusing to get in the car. I have the car loaded and my elderly housebound mum is waiting in the passenger seat and my six-year-old is strapped in the back. I can’t get through to her/our Outreach worker and the Emergency Duty Team number is just ringing out. The rest of the family really needs and wants this holiday. Dealing with my DD’s extreme behaviours has taken its toll on our mental and physical health and well-being.

Help! What are my next steps?

You can't reason with PDA. Even when they really want to do something once it kicks in they're unable to just do it. Get everyone out the car and have some dinner. She can go to her room which is her safe space presumably and maybe try again later.

Another adoptive parent here.

I assume you don't have a partner. If you do, then one of you goes on holiday the other stays at home.

Otherwise everyone out of the car. You can't reasonably leave her behind so you might as well be comfortable while you see what can be done. She's quite probably not doing this 'on purpose'.

I know how you feel though, DH went away alone last year as my DD was too anxiety riddled to go.

Inagree, if she is still refusing then you will just all get more stressed. Get out the car and try again. Do you know why she wont get in the car.

Is she upset? Angry? Scared? Has she said why she won’t go? Is it more an anxiety issue or more just not wanting to go on holiday with the family attitude? I think this is important to know how to help the situation

I'm sorry, I completely misread the OP.

She's adopted, you can't leave her behind or drive off as if you are. That's unbelieveably cruel.

You are just going to have to get out the car, and all have some food and calm the situation down until you work out what is going on but I suspect it is just more change in her life that she can't cope with.

Take your mum and 6yo out for a nice meal and leave your 14yo behind (with no internet). Tell her that you might not be able to force her to come or leave her there, but you're going to enjoy your holiday regardless and she can't hold you all to ransom.

I would take her back inside and try and see why she doesn’t want to go.

Has she expressed any worries before about it?

It may be better if your mum and DS come out of the car and then she sits in it first (this is what we do with some of our SEND kids in the taxis).

It could be that she has major anxiety as it’s something completely different and so it’s not just her being stubborn.

Tell her she doesn’t have a choice and needs to go as it’s not fair on everyone else and to just tackle one bit at a time.

She’s been in the car multiple times I’m assuming so all she has to do is go and sit in the car like she does everyday.

When you get there you can tackle ‘the next step’ and if she brings it up either say we’ll sort it out then or say if you really don’t like it then we can sort something out or go home.
Once you’re there ask her to spend a night and see how she feels.

Chances are once she’s there she’ll be absolutely fine but it’s the anxiety telling her not to go.
My DD always needs a way out so if she goes on a school trip she needs to know that I can pick her up if she doesn’t like it and just knowing she has a way to leave makes her much less anxious and allows her to actually enjoy it better.

OP Ask MN to move this to the Adoption board.

You are going to have a complete nightmare on this holiday if she comes. Any friends who could put her up for the duration of the holiday?

Op if she won't go none of you can go it's crap but it's the way it is. Our family have been in similar situations. This is not something a se can help with. Children will complex needs can have as you now a huge impact on family life. Try again this evening or tomorrow when she has hopefully calmed down. The fact that you think it's appropriate to call SS is concerning try and get some therapy/support for yourself asap.

What is her reason for not getting in the car?

Go back indoors and act like your not bothered!
If your not missing a flight arrange a later arrival with you holiday destination and relax a little as she will pick up on your stress.
My daughter shared the same complex diagnosis and if she feels she's not winning the situation she will eventually decide it's tie to get in the car because she's then still controlling the situation.

I don’t know why everyone is telling op to get everyone out of the car and to make everyone some dinner.

Everyone is gonna be feeling so het up and disappointed they’re hardly gonna want food now are they!?

This, absolutely. I feel sorry for everyone involved, it must be really hard. De-escalate for now. Were you going far?

I agree with getting everyone food now and everyone calming down/destressing and trying again later or tomorrow.

If there are other's or another adult of household she can stop with I'd also being thinking about this and see if there's someone she can talk to to see if she herself has any insight on what problem is or how to proceed.

To deescalate. Everyone sitting in the car puts pressure on. Plus it's not nice for nan and the 6yr old sitting in the car for two hours!
Plus its lunchtime.
So out the car, eat lunch, start again.

What's your alternative?

Need a bit more detail about the holiday - going to airport / ferry or driving to a same-country destination break? If the latter then unload people and luggage and sack it off for today. Make a plan for tomorrow which may involve leaving her with someone. If going abroad it's tougher as you can't take the pressure off. What has worked on other occasions? Can you negotiate with her or give her limited choices?

But OP is her mother and may well have a partner who is the child's father. I don't think the PP was asking about her biological parents but her adoptive parents.

I don’t know why everyone is telling op to get everyone out of the car and to make everyone some dinner.

They are in a stand off at the moment - so something different has to happen at some point.

Making everyone comfortable as possible and calming down to figure out a way forward is probably most productive thing that can happen - as OP can't get outside support at the moment.

I don't know where to start with this. In fact I do, I have reported it, though it will probably be allowed to stand.

You don't 'give back' a 14yo adopted child, they aren't a parcel.
Would you 'give back' your 14yo to the hospital where they were born?

It may be that at some point some teenagers (adopted or not) need to go into residential care because their needs get too much for one family to manage safely. But the parents remain the parents.

Has she said why she doesn't want to go? Is she going to miss friends/an activity or is it a control thing? She's picked up on how much this means to everyone else so spanner on works?

If going abroad it's tougher as you can't take the pressure off.

I was assuming UK holiday as flights and ferry crossings timings would mean OP is really stuck if there's no-one to leave DD with.