Any social workers about? Teen refusing to get into car to go on holiday; two-hour stand-off so far…

[EmmatheStageRat]

My 14-year-old adopted daughter, who has multiple diagnoses, including ADHD and autism with a PDA profile. She steals and lies incessantly, goes missing regularly and basically does not respect any of society’s boundaries or norms. She is newly on a Child in Need plan, because of her multiple complexities and because I am on my knees and broken through dealing with the daily dysfunction/s.

We were due to leave for holiday at 10am this morning and it is now nearly 1pm and she is still refusing to get in the car. I have the car loaded and my elderly housebound mum is waiting in the passenger seat and my six-year-old is strapped in the back. I can’t get through to her/our Outreach worker and the Emergency Duty Team number is just ringing out. The rest of the family really needs and wants this holiday. Dealing with my DD’s extreme behaviours has taken its toll on our mental and physical health and well-being.

Help! What are my next steps?

Praying we don’t get similar tomorrow with our ASD PDA teen. Planning a chat tonight with her and her sister to prepare them (sister gets incredibly frustrated and tired of her elder sister derailing things constantly). Will be getting up hideously early so giving her lots of time to ‘rule’ everything (bathroom blocking, insisting on a specific random item not seen in months etc etc, all part of her exerting control because she’s anxious about the travel, holiday, people…). Trying to prepare DH who still struggles despite 17 years of this.

I would get everyone out of the car definitely, quietly turn Internet off, have some lunch and let her think she’s won. De-escalate. Worst case scenario does she have a friend she could stay with or another relative? Even as a way of making her feel not coming is a possibility?

as you haven’t posted in a bit I’m hoping you’ve managed to turn it around. I feel you, op.

OP, I'd ask for this to be moved to SN board, there will be more traffic and more posters on there who have direct experience of PDA/ASD might be a better fit in this instance than the Adoption board.

Oops I'm a bit late there and MNHQ have moved it to this board, at least it's out of AIBU.

Hope things get sorted and this de-escalates quickly. My nephew has the same profile but he's only 6. So many people don't understand and will tell you to do things that work for neurotypical kids.

When i have a very early start with my PDA-er we let him stay up all night beforehand so there are no early morning transitions, it feels a bit rebellious for him then he snoozes on the journey.

good luck- hope it goes ok x

My adopted daughter did this to us a couple of years ago. She ended up staying home with her dad and I took her brother because I refused to let her ruin yet more plans. Luckily we had 2 cars. Next day when SHE decided she didn't want to miss out, they joined us.

This is why we only generally holidayed in this country not too far from home and hardly ever book to take her anywhere "big" like Alton Towers even though she's desperate to go. She just can't cope with the build up and sabotages it every time.

Now my new partner and I go abroad when they're on a week with their dad (my exDH) and he goes with his new partner on my week.

I'm so sorry she's done this. It's so stressful and makes you think "why the fuck do I bother trying to do nice things". I really hope you manage to enjoy the break eventually.

Thanks everyone for the messages, the solidarity and the different perspectives. I purposely didn’t post in the Adoption board because I wanted advice from SW and I find that (with one or three exceptions), the Adoption board is mainly populated by newish adopters. Apologies if anyone feels insulted by this assessment.

So, three phone calls later from her Outreach worker, teen DD finally got in the car. My very elderly and frail mother was sobbing. The six-year-old was fairly sanguine as she is used to everything nice being ruined by her big sister. My cortisol levels are through the roof, the motorway was hideous and a journey of four hours took six. We are here but I can barely look at DD. If I could mainline wine, then I would be doing that right now, with a side order of gin.

Just to add, DD also has a significant physical disability, a diagnosis of binge eating disorder and neonatal abstinence syndrome (as well as the previously mentioned ADHD and autism/PDA); we are fast filling an A-Z compendium of diagnoses. There is violence and aggression and lying and stealing and going missing.

People were very astute in their observations: I am a totally lone adoptive parent and, due to her extreme difficulties and antisocial behaviours, teen DD has zero friends so there is literally no one in the world who would be willing or able to step in to take her. I actually wasn’t offended by the ‘give her back messages’ as it’s an important dialogue - and a big taboo subject - for those of us who are parenting some of society’s most vulnerable and traumatised children.

Do you see her ever being able to learn to manage these myriad issues? Have you seen any improvement in her?

You did it!!! Well done. Hope your holiday has at least some relaxing moments

Are you eligible for direct payments and/or respite break from your local authority? Get in touch with your children's disability team and ask how to claim it. Or give Contact or Mencap a ring and they will be able to advise you on next steps.

Well done OP that’s quite an accomplishment💐. I hope you have already poured yourself a large glass of wine/gin and the holiday is as relaxing for you as possible.

So glad you managed to get her in the car OP. I hope the rest of your holiday is slightly more relaxing.

My son has similar difficulties but is much younger, and non verbal. It is absolutely exhausting. Please take care of yourself and arrange some respite if you can (although I know how difficult that is to come by!!)

@EmmatheStageRat

Hope you manage to have some sort of holiday now you are there.
There are lots of experienced adopters here, including at least one SW.
Knowing your history, I can imagine the possibility of her returning to some kind of specialist care is something you may have to contemplate.
However I think the nature of that discussion would be very different here amongst fellow adopters to what you would get on AIBU where many people will just see a teenager out of control.

OP, my DS isn't adopted (I first found this thread when it was in AIBU) so I am coming surely from a PDA/autism viewpoint, but he struggles a lot with demands (not to the point of being diagnosed with PDA but I did wonder when younger) and is diagnosed autistic. We often have a situation where he agrees to go somewhere as a family and then at the point we are getting in the car refuses to leave his room. He is also depressed which contributes to the issue. I also have an autistic relative who regularly struggles with holidays and they have regularly had to come home from holidays or not managed to get there. So my heart went out to you when I read that you were in this situation. We haven't had a holiday situation yet but the number of days out, excursions etc we've had to change and my DD sitting in the car waiting, well it resonated.
Your daughter is clearly struggling in this situation due to her very real disability (PDA as a part of her autism). She is not trying to be difficult, she is just struggling with the situation. It's really hard in the situation not to feel resentful, but have to keep in mind that it's a case of 'can't not won't'. Are you in any PDA support groups? I hope your holiday goes ok.

*purely, not surely

I'm glad you got there - it sounded so hard and I really hope you manage to enjoy the holiday in the end.

Well done, OP. You got there. I hope you get some rest soon.

Everyone suggesting staying with a friend etc, often friends aren't exactly queuing up to help with challenging children!

Well done getting there, even though it sounds traumatic. As @Ted27 says, I imagine thoughts of specialist care are never too far from your mind and it may be worth giving those thoughts some space when you’re less stressed.

Ive been there when it’s hard to even look at my child following a particularly stressful time. Take a deep breath, pour wine, or gin or whatever and give yourself a bit of space. Two children and an elderly, frail parent is a lot for anyone on holiday - much less a teenager with complex needs. Congratulate yourself on getting this far.

I understand why you posted on AIBU, but there are some very experienced adopters here, including a couple who have navigated the teen years, and some social work presence (including me) who tend to come out of the woodwork when there’s something more complex going on. I hope you get some kind of a holiday while you’re away.

Well done OP. Hope you can all carve out times of positivity and enjoyment - and that you find some moments when you can breathe and relax in the face of all your responsibilities.

Well done for getting through that situation op.
Longer term, I wonder if it's worth approaching adoption charities for help with therapeutic services/respite care.
(You may have already done this so apologies).

Hope it's going well OP, and you are enjoying yourselves as much as is possible.