Any social workers about? Teen refusing to get into car to go on holiday; two-hour stand-off so far…

[EmmatheStageRat]

My 14-year-old adopted daughter, who has multiple diagnoses, including ADHD and autism with a PDA profile. She steals and lies incessantly, goes missing regularly and basically does not respect any of society’s boundaries or norms. She is newly on a Child in Need plan, because of her multiple complexities and because I am on my knees and broken through dealing with the daily dysfunction/s.

We were due to leave for holiday at 10am this morning and it is now nearly 1pm and she is still refusing to get in the car. I have the car loaded and my elderly housebound mum is waiting in the passenger seat and my six-year-old is strapped in the back. I can’t get through to her/our Outreach worker and the Emergency Duty Team number is just ringing out. The rest of the family really needs and wants this holiday. Dealing with my DD’s extreme behaviours has taken its toll on our mental and physical health and well-being.

Help! What are my next steps?

Is it on the cards at all to give her back or is she definitely staying with you?

She's not a bloody puppy you can give back to the dogs' home FFS!

Fucking hell! She’s not a puppy!

This sounds so hard @EmmatheStageRat I would second other posters saying get everyone out of the car and back in the house.

Have some lunch/a brew and calm down while you think about what to do.

Is there another adult she could stay with (either your partner or someone else?). That way, she can have a choice 'You can come on holiday, or you can stay with X'.

If not, once things are calmer, can you try to work out what it is that is bothering her? Could it be something as simple as where she is sitting in the car? Maybe 'fear of the unknown' if it is an unfamiliar place? Worried about a long car journey - in which case, agree to break it up and make sure she knows where you will stop.

I hope you are soon on your way.

Fucking hell! What a shitty thing to say

Deescalation sounds like a good idea. Depending on the reasons why you think she's doing it, I'd take your mum and younger child out somewhere nice and leave her to herself. I'd also make alternative plans for a day out tomorrow in case she refuses to come then. Maybe a day or so of boredom and being ignored will work. At the moment, you just have a standoff as you can't leave her and can't force her to come.

Cus she sounds like a really easy child, I’m sure op’s got people queuing up that can manage her for week

That's difficult OP.

Have you done any pre-holiday prep with her ie. showing her the accommodation, where she will sleep, highlighting things that she will like once she gets there? offer her certain day(s) during the holiday where the family do/go where she wants to give her a feeling of control and input while she is away?

I have a DC with ASD so everything takes that bit more going through, reassurance and planning.

What does she normally do in her free time, if she likes gaming i'd take the console on holiday so she can have down time with it.

With her history of disappearing and stealing I don't think it's fair to send her to friends or other family so I think it's now down to calm persuasion or resigning yourself to not going until you are able to find an alternative provision ie. SEN summer camp or similar and then rebooking a holiday for the rest of the family.

I'm sorry everyone is going through this. Move to SEND or adoption board. These are complex issues not for AIBU. Accept that you may not get away on holiday today. Get everyone out of the car and as settled as possible for today. I know it's much easier said than done but you need to de-escalate the situation. Holidays are incredibly hard for families in your situation and longer term you may need to think about other ways to get respite. Longer term I recommend the NVR parenting course which (depending on the facilitators expertise) takes into account neurodiversity, trauma and works well for many adoptive parents. No easy fixes obviously but can provide hope and a way forward. Sending heartfelt understanding.

I'm sorry you are in this rubbish position op.

I teach an 11yo with PDA and it is tough. You already know that logic, reason and bribery won't work. I agree that you need to de escalate. I don't think SS will be much help in this scenario and it may further dysregulate your child. I am sure you will already know this but what works for my pupil is making everything his idea. 'I wonder how we'll manage at home with the wifi turned off...I bet the holiday cottage has a better connection.'
'Where is it you like to stop for a break on the way...McDonald's or KFC?'
'I wonder who would have got the best room?'
You might need to spend today preparing her for the transition and unknown elements of the holiday and resign yourself for going tomorrow.

Lock up the house. Drive away.

@justfiveminutes

I agree - I teach a nine year old and yes all of those phrases would be worth trying.

I would probably just leave her for a while too as once she's in that mindset nothing will work anymore.

Is it on the cards at all to give her back or is she definitely staying with you?

Omg

Jeez, she is not a piece of clothing you can return for a different choice

That might work fine with a NT well attached teen who is just being a pain.

Likely to be highly inappropriate with an adopted autistic ADHD PDA teen.

Fucking hell
What a thing to say

@EmmatheStageRat

please ask for this to be moved to the adoption board or you are just going to get a load of very unhelpful replies.
I know how much you need this break but a stand off will get you no where
You need to de-escalate

The problem with posting in the topic is that you'll get people telling you to give her back/ drive off / turn off the internet etc. this is because these people are stupid and cannot grasp how life may be with an adopted teenager who has additional and complex needs

I'd ask to have this post moved OP to either the adoption board or the SN board

I don't pretend to know about teenagers with SN but I do know that my 15 year old wouldn't be 'forced' into something he didn't want to do - and he is NT. Teens can be hard enough as it is without additional needs

In the meantime, the best idea is to get out the car and forget about the holiday for now. There really isn't much else you can do in a stand off

@EmmatheStageRat definitely de-esculate for now by all getting out of the car, have lunch. Once DD has self regulated, try a now and next board /timeline. Ie we are going to be leaving at xxxx time, we will drive for three hours and then stop at the services for a wee and a snack, for half an hour. We will then drive for 3 hours and stop again/arrive at the accommodation. We will be allocated where we are staying, and you will have your own room. We will stay in the room for an hour and then go and have dinner/look around. Then return to the rooms.

Then once back at the accommodation do a timeline for the next day, every day.

Good luck.

No advice, as I’ve not been in this situation and can’t pretend to imagine, but just wanted to say I have heard you and it sounds properly awfully shit and I hope you get somewhere and all have a holiday.

Some truely horrible advice. No op shouldn't leave her vulnerable child alone without electricity, or locked outside the house etc.
As others have said try and deesculate with lunch or something then weigh up the options is there an adult who can stay behind or what could be done to help some of the triggering issues, previous posters one about seeing if she can get in the car before everyone is a good o e.

Please ask this to be moved to the adoption board, otherwise the absolutely idiotic replies will continue.

Hi OP, we've moved this to the adoption board where the responses will probably be more helpful

It seems to be in Adoption now.

Oops, x-posted. Thanks, MNHQ.

I just want to send lots of love. I have a child of a similar profile- though not adopted and i’m not sure how relevant this is here. Holidays have always been incredibly problematic for our family. We often take one child at a time (other parent stays home) or just holiday individually as adults. That kind of stand off with an anxious PDA-er- there is no point in pushing through. I hope you all find some peace soon and she is ok.