So heartbroken: Adoption Agency Rejected me

[Chloboshoka]

The adoption Reddit advised me to come here as their subreddit is more US stuff. The adoption agency rejected me because they think I can cope with a child with complex needs despite working with complex needs in the care sector all my life.

The advise they gave me:
Lose more weight - they said they want bmi to be under 40 but mine is under 40. I go to the gym 2-4 times a week.
Look after kids (baby’s in particular) overnight - I’ve looked after my friend’s child lots of times and she was willing to give me a reference.
Volunteer at breakfast club or children’s setting
You’re young, go find the right person to have biological children with
Talk to people

When I spoke to people they came to the conclusion that I was discriminated on the ground of my age, weight, and my autism. If I thought I wasn’t ready I would never have started the process. My ex told me it’s probably my autism they don’t like. I want to reapply again next year and keep trying until they say yes. Is it worth trying other agencies?

I adopted and realise now I'm autistic.

It doesn't stop you adopting but you do have to fully realise/reflect how it can impact on you and how you will mitigate that impact.

Why is this discrimination?

You have to have a spare room for another person. Probably the most basic of requirements. Have seen this a few times on these boards. Why isn’t this obvious??

Yes a biological child would have to make do, but let’s face it a person would need their own space... sharing the living room with you sleeping in it is not practical.

I feel like making out the approvals process is difficult because of issues like this is ridiculous. Yes some social workers make it difficult but frankly the fact that they met with you at all is doing you a massive favour. Most don’t have the time to do this when on paper you would have been refused immediately due to no spare room. It seems like they’ve done you a great kindness!!!

Also I’m sure there are bad eggs but I don’t imagine the pay is good enough for people who don’t actually want to make a positive difference to become social workers... even the ones who are bad at their jobs are still trying to make a positive change in the world otherwise frankly they’d do another job!!!

Overseas adoption is very expensive and you may have way less information on the child.

I'm sorry if this has already been discussed but why so you specifically want a child with complex needs?

"Maybe I should wait until I’m 40 to adopt and take their suggestion of trying for a biological child first."

If you are able to have a biological child this may be considerably easier than adopting. It would be good to explore why you want to adopt.

With a relatively low salary how do you plan to manage childcare when working.

Your age and being single could be factors in adoption because many people will meet a partner at some point and that could be challenging to the adoption.

It sounds like at the interview they don't think you are a suitable candidate.
They have given you the reasons why (all of which sound very reasonable to me).

You can't take it so personally - they aren't under any obligation to give you a child just because you want one.

You need to consistently prove that you will be a good parent and will provide a safe, secure, stable and nurturing home.
Everyone applying to adopt had to do that.

If you can't or won't make the changes, then you won't be allowed to adopt, there's no point going to different agencies - they aren't going to tell you anything different.

Adopting from abroad is much more complex these days - you wouldn't reach their standards either, a child from abroad is deserving of the same care as a British child.

I think you need to do what they ask and then reapply.

There will be 2 partner families with tables and extra bedrooms ahead in the list to adopt.

You are competing with couples, single people who have the space, Experience and the criteria they are requesting.

You need to work towards what they have asked, it’s not what you expected which must be very disappointing but you now know what needs to be done for your next application.