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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

So heartbroken: Adoption Agency Rejected me

81 replies

Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 10:12

The adoption Reddit advised me to come here as their subreddit is more US stuff. The adoption agency rejected me because they think I can cope with a child with complex needs despite working with complex needs in the care sector all my life.

The advise they gave me:
Lose more weight - they said they want bmi to be under 40 but mine is under 40. I go to the gym 2-4 times a week.
Look after kids (baby’s in particular) overnight - I’ve looked after my friend’s child lots of times and she was willing to give me a reference.
Volunteer at breakfast club or children’s setting
You’re young, go find the right person to have biological children with
Talk to people

When I spoke to people they came to the conclusion that I was discriminated on the ground of my age, weight, and my autism. If I thought I wasn’t ready I would never have started the process. My ex told me it’s probably my autism they don’t like. I want to reapply again next year and keep trying until they say yes. Is it worth trying other agencies?

OP posts:
Franklyfrost · 12/05/2021 11:26

Ask the agency for some feedback. Or a find an adoption support Facebook group. Rather than debating the criteria, use try’s as a chance to work out exactly what it is that they want to see. It will help if you try again with another agency.

For example
How many kids and how often would they want you to be looking after over night? Why is this important?
The sort of answers might be: 3 kids in at least 3 separate occasions each. Because it demonstrates you can provide appropriate care (ask them to break it down: is it physical care like brushing teeth or is it organisational skills like getting the child to school...) to a range of children (so kids with different needs).

It hurts to be rejected but it is just a first step in a long journey. Keep it up.

picklemewalnuts · 12/05/2021 11:27

BMI is important, you need to be fit and healthy- it's gruelling. You'll have interrupted sleep and will need to put the DC first.

You need to show that you can look after yourself under pressure. Losing weight will help that.

I speak as a foster carer who put kids before myself, became morbidly obese and unwell as a result.

Sirzy · 12/05/2021 11:27

If you are living in a one bedroom flat then that won’t be deemed suitable , especially if I am reading your post right and you want to adopt a child with complex needs?

Sirzy · 12/05/2021 11:28

And although it provides experience working with young people with complex needs and parenting them are very different!

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 12/05/2021 11:31

The bedrooms would have done it with my LA. They would expect 2 bedrooms, 1for you and 1 for the child

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 12/05/2021 11:33

In the kindest possible way, you dont sound suitable at the moment.

They haven't said no to you. They've said not now. If you are overweight, that's something you can work on. Your home is not suitable but that is also something you can change. Go through the feedback they have given you and work on it. You need to remember that having a child isnt a right, and this isnt about you. Adoption is about finding the right home for the child; they have a right to a good home. You dont have a right to get a kid.

Work on the feedback, sort out your living arrangements and try again.

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 12/05/2021 11:37

And if you told them that you sleep in the living room most nights and eat off your lap then that wont have gone down well.

An adult with a bedroom who chooses to sleep on the sofa every night is a bit of a red flag. Something isnt right there. Eating off your knees or off a fold out TV tray also isnt great.

Of course people do live like that. Some families are overcrowded, some simply cant afford more rooms or space for a table etc. But the fact is that that is not an ideal living situation. With children being placed for adoption, they are looking for as close to ideal as they can get. They wont accept the overcrowded, messy, odd living situations.

TeenMinusTests · 12/05/2021 11:38

I too would think that you sleeping in the living room wouldn't 'work'. They would want you to be able to have your own space to retreat to.

PinkMice · 12/05/2021 11:38

Again, this isn’t about you, it’s about the child. You may be fine eating your meals in the living room but what would be best for a child?

I suggest you consider two things:

  1. They didn’t say no, they said not as things currently stand.
  2. Your focus needs to switch to what’s best for your future child. From now on, everything needs to be about them.
HowsYourHeadHun · 12/05/2021 11:45

Now you've explained more I can see why they have given you a list to improve on. I don't think your age or autism is why they said no. They haven't discriminated against you. You don't have suitable living facilities to accommodate a complex need child or any child.

Surroundedbytime · 12/05/2021 11:46

Ime they are very strict on all the basics so you sleeping in the living room and having no kitchen table would be very important. Added to that the other things they commented on, they obviously don’t think you are currently in the right situation to adopt a child.

You mention your age went against you. Do you mean they think you might be too old or too young?

Could you look into foster care? I know someone in a small flat (it does have two bedrooms, one with bunk beds) and she looks after young twins every fortnight to provide respite for the mother. I know someone else, a single carer, who looks after a teenager who lives with their grandparents.

Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 11:51

@MyDcAreMarvel

You do need to loose weight so you can be as healthy as you can be. I would be surprised at anyone with a bmi of more than 30 being approved to adopt unless a family member. I would take a couple of years to loose weight, volunteer with children , babysit overnight and turn your walk in wardrobe into a bedroom.
What if they still say no after that?
OP posts:
JustCatting · 12/05/2021 11:56
  1. The child needs its own bedroom.
  1. In your flat you need a dining table at which to eat meals.

Do you have both of the above?

picklemewalnuts · 12/05/2021 11:58

Then you will be slimmer and more experienced which isn't a bad thing.

Have you looked into fostering? It will give you a much better idea of what to expect. Support carers are like hen's teeth- you could link with a family with a child (perhaps with autism), and be able to support them with time off and gain experience yourself at the same time.

Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 12:03

Thank you for your input everyone. The reason I went to sleep in the living room is because I have a sofa bed there and the bedroom is massive. I find my flat spacious. I’ve had lots friends and their child sleep over at mine many times.

I did a big clear out of stuff and started going to the gym 4 times to week to make sure I’m healthier and have enough space for the child.

I’m registering on the housing register to get a house or flat with two bedrooms so there won’t be an issue.

I do have a proper table to eat on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 12:05

@picklemewalnuts

Then you will be slimmer and more experienced which isn't a bad thing.

Have you looked into fostering? It will give you a much better idea of what to expect. Support carers are like hen's teeth- you could link with a family with a child (perhaps with autism), and be able to support them with time off and gain experience yourself at the same time.

I thought about fostering. The only thing would be fitting it around work. Would there be some sort of leave to apply for like adoptions or annual leave or would fostering be considered a job like care work?
OP posts:
Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 12:06

@JustCatting

1. The child needs its own bedroom.
  1. In your flat you need a dining table at which to eat meals.

Do you have both of the above?

I was going to give the child my bedroom. There is a dining table.
OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 12/05/2021 12:11

Fostering is a proper job.

You sleeping in the living room is maybe OK if the child is 2 but less so when they are 6 and definitely not when they are 10.

You need to understand how you as a single adopter will manage school holidays, half terms etc. What if they can't cope with holiday play schemes?

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 12/05/2021 12:15

You wont be able to get a 2 bedroom council or housing association house by yourself. You need to rent it buy your own home.

Are you working?

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 12/05/2021 12:17

Sorry. Just seen that you do work. That's a plus.

Would you be in the position to apply for a mortgage within the next year or 2? Depending on where you live you can get a 2 bedroom flat or house for as low as £70K but realistically around £150k

Greeenteaisthebest · 12/05/2021 12:18

@Brokenpencilsarepointless

You wont be able to get a 2 bedroom council or housing association house by yourself. You need to rent it buy your own home.

Are you working?

Well that’s that plan out of the window.

I work full time.

Summerfun54321 · 12/05/2021 12:20

I’m registering on the housing register to get a house or flat with two bedrooms so there won’t be an issue.

Is that likely to happen if it’s just you applying? In my area as a single person you wouldn’t be top of the list for a house or 2 bed flat sorry.

Summerfun54321 · 12/05/2021 12:21

Sorry crossed post.

Greeenteaisthebest · 12/05/2021 12:22

This might do the trick. I don’t know how they work. My salary is less than 20k a year but I’ve been saving at least £100 a month for the future.

Greeenteaisthebest · 12/05/2021 12:36

Got more feedback from the agency it was short and sweet. I’m getting a letter to.
“You’re a caring person but we don’t think you’re the right person to look after a child with complex needs.”

Maybe I should wait until I’m 40 to adopt and take their suggestion of trying for a biological child first.

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