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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

So heartbroken: Adoption Agency Rejected me

81 replies

Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 10:12

The adoption Reddit advised me to come here as their subreddit is more US stuff. The adoption agency rejected me because they think I can cope with a child with complex needs despite working with complex needs in the care sector all my life.

The advise they gave me:
Lose more weight - they said they want bmi to be under 40 but mine is under 40. I go to the gym 2-4 times a week.
Look after kids (baby’s in particular) overnight - I’ve looked after my friend’s child lots of times and she was willing to give me a reference.
Volunteer at breakfast club or children’s setting
You’re young, go find the right person to have biological children with
Talk to people

When I spoke to people they came to the conclusion that I was discriminated on the ground of my age, weight, and my autism. If I thought I wasn’t ready I would never have started the process. My ex told me it’s probably my autism they don’t like. I want to reapply again next year and keep trying until they say yes. Is it worth trying other agencies?

OP posts:
RealisticSketch · 12/05/2021 10:15

Might be worth asking mnhq to move this to Talk-Becoming a parent-Adoption.

TeenMinusTests · 12/05/2021 10:15

It is worth trying other agencies.

But first go to www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions and post there. You'll get lots of fab advice. There may be things you need to address first, or it may just be that you need advice on how to word your initial approach.

cReateAusername · 12/05/2021 10:17

Do you have to declare autism ? We were told legally for even things like going into teaching or medicine that you do not have to ever declare it it’s a choice whether to disclose asd or not x

MutteringDarkly · 12/05/2021 10:20

I'm so sorry you've had such a bad experience.

You may want to get this moved to the Adoption board (you can click report on your own post and the moderators will move it for you). You may not, of course, if you prefer a wider set of responses! On the Adoption board, you'll find lots of prospective and experienced adopters, alongside people who are still at the exploration stage.

The things they have challenged you on are things that do commonly come up, but wouldn't necessarily be reasons not to proceed, more "things to work on" if you see what I mean?

Was this a voluntary agency or your local authority (or consortium)? It may be worth exploring other agencies. Perhaps give it a little time to consider whether there is any truth to any of the "reasons" and anything you could do to demonstrate you're open to making changes. I'm not saying you have to rush off and change everything, but part of the process of applying to adopt is to show you can reflect, consider and learn from experience. There's no such thing as an adopter with no issues though!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 12/05/2021 10:24

@cReateAusername

Do you have to declare autism ? We were told legally for even things like going into teaching or medicine that you do not have to ever declare it it’s a choice whether to disclose asd or not x
Teaching is quite different to being assessed as an adoptive parent. Of course you need to disclose any and everything as part of an adoption assessment.
TeenMinusTests · 12/05/2021 10:24

Also it doesn't sound like they straight up rejected you.

They sent you away with a list of things so that they can be addressed before they take you on.
They do that because once the official clock starts ticking on assessment they have 6 months or something to get you to panel these days, so any extensive prep needs to be done before they start the clock.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 12/05/2021 10:25

Why did you go to an agency rather than your LA?
When I adopted via the LA they told me they use agencies for harder to place children. That may not be the case for all
Are you a single adopter? Did they think their children needed 2 parents due to complexity?

Irishgene · 12/05/2021 10:35

I'm sorry they rejected you, try not to take it personally even though that's hard. I was rejected about 10 years ago because I was training to be a teacher 🙄

cReateAusername · 12/05/2021 10:45

Ah I see, I wasn’t sure as we were told it didn’t need to be disclosed for teaching or medicine or for anything like at antenatal appts etc (as you do a self referral) so I wondered if this was similar

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 12/05/2021 10:45

@cReateAusername

Ah I see, I wasn’t sure as we were told it didn’t need to be disclosed for teaching or medicine or for anything like at antenatal appts etc (as you do a self referral) so I wondered if this was similar
Parenting an adopted child is nothing like this
MrsPsmalls · 12/05/2021 10:52

I'm sorry - this is upsetting news. Are you aware of short term foster care maybe called shared care or shared lives in your area? That might be a way if getting the experience they require and is also a great thing to do in itself. Obviously it does have a very extensive assessment itself and your weight might be an issue again but if you start working on your weight now it might be worth giving it a go. I would just say that the route to becoming an adopter is always hard. For everyone and that is part of the process so please don't take this personally.

OhTheIronyOfItAll · 12/05/2021 10:53

You’re young, go find the right person to have biological children with

How young? I’m wondering if this was the issue? I imagine an 18 year old with a fairly limited life experience might be viewed less favourably than a 32 year old who has worked full time for a decade and has several DN’s.

Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 10:56

I believe this agency is the local authority. I have found some other agencies that cover my area.

What do they mean by spare room? I have a one bedroom flat but I sleep in the living room bed most days. They said I could share it with a young child though. I also have a room, that’s used as walk-in wardrobe and store room that can be turned into a bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 10:58

I’m 29. I wouldn’t say my life experience is limited. I’ve worked in care for nearly 10 years, wrote over 10 books, travelled to lots of places and read a lot of books. I have level 3 diplomas in art and design and health and social care.

OP posts:
PinkMice · 12/05/2021 11:01

What do they mean by spare room? I have a one bedroom flat but I sleep in the living room bed most days. They said I could share it with a young child though.

Adopted children need their own room. A room that’s solely theirs and not shared with an adult.

I also have a room, that’s used as walk-in wardrobe and store room that can be turned into a bedroom.

Do these rooms have windows? Are they large enough for a bed and a wardrobe?

Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 11:04

Yes they have windows and yes there is space.

OP posts:
NutellaEllaElla · 12/05/2021 11:11

Did you respond to their advice updating/informing them?

It might have helped to prepare a room so they could see it is suitable. Might be worth doing and including that in your response?

PinkMice · 12/05/2021 11:15

When I spoke to people they came to the conclusion that I was discriminated on the ground of my age, weight, and my autism.

Things like having a BMI requirement isn’t descrimination.

In the kindest possible way: adoption isn’t really about you, it’s about the child. And to ensure they can give the child a good future they put certain statistically supported guidelines in place for prospective adoptive parents (eg BMI).

Are you going to work on their suggestions and try again?

Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 11:15

I did. They just said thank you for your response, we will pass this on the manager.

They saw my flat through the video call they asked if they kitchen has a table? What’s that got to do with looking after a child? I have a living room for eating meals on.

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 12/05/2021 11:17

It wasn't a no. It was a not now.

Original poster
Chloboshoka · 12/05/2021 11:17

I am below the bmi requirement that they set already so I’m already on the suggestions already and already lost weight.

OP posts:
PinkMice · 12/05/2021 11:20

They saw my flat through the video call they asked if they kitchen has a table? What’s that got to do with looking after a child? I have a living room for eating meals on.
You have a dining table in your living room do you mean?

MyDcAreMarvel · 12/05/2021 11:21

You do need to loose weight so you can be as healthy as you can be. I would be surprised at anyone with a bmi of more than 30 being approved to adopt unless a family member.
I would take a couple of years to loose weight, volunteer with children , babysit overnight and turn your walk in wardrobe into a bedroom.

TeenMinusTests · 12/05/2021 11:23

Your kitchen doesn't need a table. But you do need a proper table to eat from, not just on your lap.

I guess that your autism may have hindered discussions if you answered questions literally and didn't look behind them.

So 'Do you have a kitchen table?' 'No'
v 'Do you have a kitchen table?' 'No but I have a good sized table in my living room I sit up at to eat my meals'

picklemewalnuts · 12/05/2021 11:24

They see a lot of people who underestimate the impact of adopting a child. They deal with all the trauma in struggling families. They will choose the family that best suits the child, and avoid things that suggest problems down the line.

Eating together is a really important part of family life, that's why they are asking about a table.
Children take up a huge amount of space- equipment etc. They may feel there isn't room in your life- you'd have to empty the bedroom of your things to make space for their things.