So heartbroken: Adoption Agency Rejected me

[Chloboshoka]

The adoption Reddit advised me to come here as their subreddit is more US stuff. The adoption agency rejected me because they think I can cope with a child with complex needs despite working with complex needs in the care sector all my life.

The advise they gave me:
Lose more weight - they said they want bmi to be under 40 but mine is under 40. I go to the gym 2-4 times a week.
Look after kids (baby’s in particular) overnight - I’ve looked after my friend’s child lots of times and she was willing to give me a reference.
Volunteer at breakfast club or children’s setting
You’re young, go find the right person to have biological children with
Talk to people

When I spoke to people they came to the conclusion that I was discriminated on the ground of my age, weight, and my autism. If I thought I wasn’t ready I would never have started the process. My ex told me it’s probably my autism they don’t like. I want to reapply again next year and keep trying until they say yes. Is it worth trying other agencies?

@Greeenteaisthebest

Got more feedback from the agency it was short and sweet. I’m getting a letter to. “You’re a caring person but we don’t think you’re the right person to look after a child with complex needs.”

Maybe I should wait until I’m 40 to adopt and take their suggestion of trying for a biological child first.

I'm confused. Have you name changed in the middle of this thread? From your last 3 posts it looks like you're the OP?

Yes I’m the OP. Didn’t realise the name wouldn’t go across my previous posts.

To be fair, a one bedroom flat isn't suitable for a child and they've probably said no based largely on that. It's about the child, and a child, especially with complex needs, needs their own space and own room.
I also don't understand why they've said your bmi needs to be under 40, if it already is? Are you sure about this? What is your weight and height and maybe we can help there, as it seems strange they'd tell you it needs to be below 40 if it already is!

Got more feedback from the agency it was short and sweet. I’m getting a letter to.
“You’re a caring person but we don’t think you’re the right person to look after a child with complex needs.”

I'm sorry to say this as it may be hard for you to hear, but this means that they believe you don't have enough of the necessary skills and insight to parent an adopted child throughout it's childhood.

The bar to adopt is set very high (rightly so) and many people don't meet the necessary criteria.

Good on you for exploring the possibility, but it's probably time to move on now.

It’s an open secret that Social Services hate adoption. You have to be EXTREMELY compliant to get though the process. If they say you’re too fat for instance, just agree with them and lose weight. If they want you to put a table in the kitchen, then put a table in the kitchen.

There’s an expression that social workers use which I can remember, but refers to a form of insubordination when you don’t agree with exactly what they’re saying.

It’s a game, unfortunately.

Alternatively, is overseas adoption an option for you? I have friends who have adopted from Ethiopia, Mexico and India.

To adopt from abroad you still have to be assessed as an adopter so wouldnt help, and it costs a lot. You just need to work on getting your home etc in order to be a really good suitable home for a child. Work on your experience and bmi and learn everything you can about adoption. Joining Adoption UK is brilliant they have so many useful webinars & resources.
Dont take it personally, theyve given you a starting point to work on. I think a spare bedroom for the child before you start is bare minimum as child needs complete stability and routine (ie no house moves) Caring for any child is very hard and the adoption process very long and extensive so they dont take people on for assessment until the prospective adopter is right ready.

Social Services don't hate adoption.
But they do get more enquiries than they can handle for adopters. They need to make sure the people they spend time and money assessing are likely to be suitable in the end.

There are a few things for you to think about here tbh.

SWs will want the child to have a secure, safe home which in reality means enough space for everyone that lives there eg a bedroom for parents and a separate room for any child placed. You sleeping in the living room might work for you, but add in a child, their toys etc and your living room becomes a living space and you lose your privacy (which you will really need parenting an adopted child).

Your weight doesn’t need to be under 30 but being able to show weight loss over a period of time, having an active lifestyle, and a good understanding of nutrition will all be important because children may come with complex issues around food that you need to be able to support. Having good processes around preparing and eating meals is all part of that (ie having a table to eat at).

Childcare experience isn’t the same as parenting and I have my own views about how useful it is to ask for but I’d ask them specifically what they want you to be able to evidence (eg providing practical care, building relationships, play) and either show how you have this already or find a placement that fills those gaps. Think about the age of children you’re hoping to adopt and volunteer with a relevant organisation.

Autism is absolutely relevant in adoption, especially if you’re looking to parent a child who may have their own difficulties around communication, social skills or relationships. Think about the degree of complex needs you might be able to support - being honest about the impact on you. For example my DD has very complex needs which aren’t apparent on meeting her but it means I can’t work full time, she needs a lot of emotional support and practical support, has a lot of health appointments etc.

Adoption is about finding parents for children, prospective adopters need to consider how far their current lifestyle may need to change to support the varied needs that come with adoption - its not remotely the same as parenting a birth child so things that might be ok for a birth child (parent sleeping in living room) really wouldn’t be for an adopted child.

Do some reading on developmental trauma, therapeutic parenting and attachment so you’re more informed about what might lie ahead.

Overseas adoption agencies often have different criteria. I remember for one of them, your adopted child has to be equal to or less than yours and DH’s combined ages. For another agency, this was too old.

So if you were both 42 (combined age 84) you could only adopt a child who was at least 4 years old.

It’s an open secret that Social Services hate adoption.

What utter nonsense, social workers want people who can make a life long commitment to parenting some of the most vulnerable children in our society, who have already experienced significant harm by definition. They know the further harm caused when adoption breaks down and want to make sure people are resilient enough, flexible enough, healthy enough to cope with the demands adoption places on them, and who can put the child’s needs front and centre.

The assessment process is designed to determine this and prepare people for adoption - “smile and nod” isn’t good advice to get through the process.

@BellaTheDog

It’s an open secret that Social Services hate adoption. You have to be EXTREMELY compliant to get though the process. If they say you’re too fat for instance, just agree with them and lose weight. If they want you to put a table in the kitchen, then put a table in the kitchen.

There’s an expression that social workers use which I can remember, but refers to a form of insubordination when you don’t agree with exactly what they’re saying.

It’s a game, unfortunately.

Alternatively, is overseas adoption an option for you? I have friends who have adopted from Ethiopia, Mexico and India.

This is utterly stupid

@BellaTheDog

It’s an open secret that Social Services hate adoption. You have to be EXTREMELY compliant to get though the process. If they say you’re too fat for instance, just agree with them and lose weight. If they want you to put a table in the kitchen, then put a table in the kitchen.

There’s an expression that social workers use which I can remember, but refers to a form of insubordination when you don’t agree with exactly what they’re saying.

It’s a game, unfortunately.

Alternatively, is overseas adoption an option for you? I have friends who have adopted from Ethiopia, Mexico and India.

This is utterly stupid

@Jellycatspyjamas

It’s an open secret that Social Services hate adoption.

What utter nonsense, social workers want people who can make a life long commitment to parenting some of the most vulnerable children in our society, who have already experienced significant harm by definition. They know the further harm caused when adoption breaks down and want to make sure people are resilient enough, flexible enough, healthy enough to cope with the demands adoption places on them, and who can put the child’s needs front and centre.

The assessment process is designed to determine this and prepare people for adoption - “smile and nod” isn’t good advice to get through the process.

Exactly!

We either hate adoption or we love it because of all the lovely bonuses we get 🤨 the truth is very far from either of those accusations.

I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed. It does seem like there are a lot of things to unpick

Firstly, fostering shouldnt be seen as a second choice to adoption. Its a very different to adoption. Its a job in itself and a specialised job. As a single adopter you wouldn’t be able to do it alongside a full time job.
There would be the same issues around your home .

You say you have worked in the care sector, but it sounds like adult care? If so, caring for adults is very different to parenting a child. Its not just the care, its advocating for them, making the decisions that affect their lives, being responsible for putting a roof over their head and food on the table. Its very different to a job which you leave behind at the end of the day. You are in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I’m a single adopter, may son has additional needs and it can be relentless.

I do think having Autism is relevant. Not that it should exclude you. However you do need to be very aware of things you might struggle with, and how you would cope in these situations.
We all have our limitations - but we need to be self aware.
Many children looking for families have ASD, how do you think you would manage ?
The table might seem a minor point, but its all part and parcel of the living environment, Its not just about eating, where would they do homework for example.
BMI is a funny one, some SWs are very focused on it. Going to the gym is great but as the saying goes you can’t out train a poor diet. SWs will want to be reassured that you know how to provide a healthy diet.

As a single adopter, SWs would also focus on your support network and your financial stability. Can you afford a year adoption leave for example?
I’m trying to show you how these things look to social workers. Can you reflect on the feedback from their point of view and more importantly a child’s?

You can work and be a support foster carer. You'd agree when you were available (one weekend a month, for example). They'd then match you with someone that needed that support.

You'd get all the training, and all the experience.

@Jellycatspyjamas

It’s an open secret that Social Services hate adoption.

What utter nonsense, social workers want people who can make a life long commitment to parenting some of the most vulnerable children in our society, who have already experienced significant harm by definition. They know the further harm caused when adoption breaks down and want to make sure people are resilient enough, flexible enough, healthy enough to cope with the demands adoption places on them, and who can put the child’s needs front and centre.

The assessment process is designed to determine this and prepare people for adoption - “smile and nod” isn’t good advice to get through the process.

Exactly!

We either hate adoption or we love it because of all the lovely bonuses we get 🤨 the truth is very far from either of those accusations.

Hello OP. It sounds like it wasn't a rejection at all but rather a 'not yet'. That isn't uncommon. We approached an agency in Jan and had 2 lengthy interviews and were told that I should lose weight, that my husband had to be off vaping for a few more months, that we needed a few overnight stays with children and some voluntary hours with children we don't know. They also confirmed that we needed to have fully completed the kitchen renovations we had planned. We didn't view any of this as a rejection but rather a helpful list of things we needed to do to prepare to start the process. They indicated that we needed at least 6 months to get these things in place.

Certainly have a look at the adoption board in here. It has been endlessly useful for me.

I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed. It does seem like there are a lot of things to unpick

Firstly, fostering shouldnt be seen as a second choice to adoption. Its a very different to adoption. Its a job in itself and a specialised job. As a single adopter you wouldn’t be able to do it alongside a full time job.
There would be the same issues around your home .

You say you have worked in the care sector, but it sounds like adult care? If so, caring for adults is very different to parenting a child. Its not just the care, its advocating for them, making the decisions that affect their lives, being responsible for putting a roof over their head and food on the table. Its very different to a job which you leave behind at the end of the day. You are in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I’m a single adopter, may son has additional needs and it can be relentless.

I do think having Autism is relevant. Not that it should exclude you. However you do need to be very aware of things you might struggle with, and how you would cope in these situations.
We all have our limitations - but we need to be self aware.
Many children looking for families have ASD, how do you think you would manage ?
The table might seem a minor point, but its all part and parcel of the living environment, Its not just about eating, where would they do homework for example.
BMI is a funny one, some SWs are very focused on it. Going to the gym is great but as the saying goes you can’t out train a poor diet. SWs will want to be reassured that you know how to provide a healthy diet.

As a single adopter, SWs would also focus on your support network and your financial stability. Can you afford a year adoption leave for example?
I’m trying to show you how these things look to social workers. Can you reflect on the feedback from their point of view and more importantly a child’s?

@BellaTheDog
Overseas adoption agencies often have different criteria. I remember for one of them, your adopted child has to be equal to or less than yours and DH’s combined ages. For another agency, this was too old.

So if you were both 42 (combined age 84) you could only adopt a child who was at least 4 years old.

I have no idea what you mean?

@MyDcAreMarvel For this one adoption agency, which I think was in the UAE handling adoptions from Ethiopia, the combined age of the parents had to be 80 years or less than the child they were adopting.

So two 40 year olds could adopt a baby, but if one of you was 41 and the other 40, you could only adopt a baby 1+ years.

@BellaTheDog ahh I understand know , I kept reading it trying to work out the maths

It’s an open secret that Social Services hate adoption. You have to be EXTREMELY compliant to get though the process.

Just another adopter pointing out that this is nonsense. I have never in my life been accused of being extremely compliant but the opposite has been suggested more than once.

It doesn’t sound like you are ready to adopt a child.

Have you thought through how you will afford childcare etc? £20k a year a a low salary to raise a child on by your self.

Please don't look at overseas adoption as an 'easier' option - the children placed from overseas are just as likely to have complex needs PLUS the additional issues of trans-cultural / racial adoption.

When I spoke to people they came to the conclusion that I was discriminated on the ground of my age, weight, and my autism

Not wanting to be unkind or unsympathetic but are these people ones who have experience of adoption? Or your friends who are telling you what you want to hear?

You need to get the being discriminated against thing right out of your head as it’s not about you. It’s about whether you can provide what the children need, and can prove this

We too had an ‘action plan’ and sticking to it showed our commitment and so put us in a far better place for assessment. You need to be way more resilient than this as this will not be the first obstacle you’ll have. And that’s before the actual parenting bit which can be brutal

Maybe I should wait until I’m 40 to adopt and take their suggestion of trying for a biological child first

I’m not sure if you meant this comment genuinely or as a passive aggressive one. If it’s the latter, being petulant will get you no where. It just shows immaturity and the lack of resilience as discussed above.

You may need to shelve this for a few months and then relook at it when the emotions have calmed down. And if you think it is still for you, work on how you can get into the place they want you to be. It won’t be easy but it’ll be worth it