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Adoption

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Original poster

Does anyone have experience of reception kids in ARMS/ARK type units?

40 replies

hiptobeasquare · 09/12/2020 18:22

To give some background. My son is 4. He was adopted at 6 months. He was exposed to domestic violence and drugs in utero. He sometimes struggles with social concepts etc and fine motor skills. Gross motor skills are fab- rides a bike with no stabilisers, climbs skilfully, does parkour style stuff. We have had three incident a this week which were all relating to looking at another child’s private parts/ playing doctor/ trying to look up a skirt/ following other kids into the toilet cubicle etc. We have never had these types of incidents with his sibling or if we ever have we have kept it gentle and used the PANTS guide. Anyway due to behaviour this week they want him to go into the Additionally resources mainstream unit attached to the school for extra observations potentially resulting in him going there permanently. It has all happened really fast. I just want to get some advice on what the units are like. Also, a bit of a handhold. Smile

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Weekends · 09/12/2020 20:55

Hi, handhold!

It's so hard to say - like all educational provision there is a wide variety. What ever happens, your views have to be a really important part of the process and I would be seeking advice from SENDIASS and your virtual school asap.

Is the SENDCo involved, and also the Designated Teacher for Previously Looked After Children?

X

Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 09/12/2020 21:58

That is really helpful information thank you. I had thought about speaking to the virtual head. Things have just escalated so quickly I wanted to take some time getting as much information as possible.

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Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 09/12/2020 22:01

I hadn’t even realised there was a designated teacher for previously/looked after children.

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Niffler75 · 09/12/2020 22:12

@hiptobeasquare My son really struggles with social concepts and has FASD. You mentioned your son had exposure to drugs in utero. Could he have been exposed to alcohol too?
I would also consider getting some post adoption support as this may open doors for further assessment and support.

Weekends · 10/12/2020 06:00

Good luck!
Yes it's statutory to have a designated teacher now. X

Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 08:55

Great thanks for the input.

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Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 14:26

@Niffler75, Birth Mum said no alcohol but it should not be discounted as she was leading a very chaotic life. We have just been allocated a post adoption support worker and are awaiting a sensory diet and a 121 therapist coming into work with us as a family. He’s a lovely boy but sometimes there are social concepts he struggles with. He has made leaps in some things like empathy. My grandfather died this month he knew I was sad and said “don’t worry Mammy you’ve still got me” and gave me a big hug. He also spoke to my husband at bed time and said will you be Mammy’s best friend forever as she is sad right now. I suppose I am just worried they don’t want to try and help him to stay in mainstream because they have to rethink their strategies (stormy clouds/behavioural sticker charts etc). It is unchartered territory for me.
I have done so much work as a parent to learn about trauma and therapeutic parenting techniques that I am just getting exhausted with the school for not listening to what I suggested from the beginning of the year.

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Niffler75 · 10/12/2020 14:38

@hiptobeasquare Just heading out but will reply later as we were in a similar situation to yourself when my son was 4.

ac73 · 10/12/2020 16:16

Might be worth talking to Daniel Thrower at the Wensum Trust. He did a presentation at the NATP conference. His group of schools are very trauma aware.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/12/2020 16:46

We have had three incident a this week which were all relating to looking at another child’s private parts/ playing doctor/ trying to look up a skirt/ following other kids into the toilet cubicle etc

Is this the reason they want to look at alternative settings for him? If so I’d push back hard against that. At his age it’s not sexually inappropriate behaviour, he has no sense of sexuality and will be expressing curiosity without having developed social boundaries. There are lots of things they (and you) can do to help with this. The NSPCC PANTS stuff is good but is a bit too abstract for some children. You could look at social stories with your little one focusing on things like body parts, social settings, toiletting etc. You can also model good body image (so he doesn’t start to feel ashamed or embarrassed about his body), looking at differences in boys and girls and making a game out of it “oh we need to put your pants on, keep our bottom covered” as you take him out of the bath etc. I’d not be letting them sexualise the behaviour of a 4 year old.

They should change their discipline and behaviour management process - strategies like rainbows and clouds have been proved ineffective for all children, not just traumatised children - they should be responsive to current thinking and adapt their practice accordingly. If they can’t do that I’d look for a more nurturing mainstream setting for him because you’ll have this fight all the way through.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/12/2020 16:52

I have done so much work as a parent to learn about trauma and therapeutic parenting techniques that I am just getting exhausted with the school for not listening to what I suggested from the beginning of the year.

With the greatest of respect, stop suggesting - be clear with them about what you know works for your child and if there are problems start from a place of “what happened when you did X, when he did Y how did you get on using the strategies we discussed on x date”. Push back to them that they know how to support your child, because you’ve told them how to do it. If there are issues I’d be saying “but we knew there was potential for that because we spoke about it, if you had done X we wouldn’t be here now, how are you going to resolve this for my child”. Don’t let them bulky you out of the school provision that’s right for your child, all of the issues you’ve mentioned can easily be supported in mainstream education at such a young age.

Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 17:19

@Jellycatspyjamas Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have done some of the things you suggested, I specifically asked what responses they saw from Charlie regarding storm clouds etc- they said it hadn’t been successful in changing any of his behaviours and that he didn’t seem bothered.
Yes I believe the issues that have occurred this week can be managed in mainstream school. The other aspects he struggles with are typical four year old low level behaviours like sometime struggling with listening and conflict resolution. I think I took a bit of an emotional hit yesterday and doubted myself for a moment.
You are 100% that I need to stop suggesting. I was trying to not seem like I wanted to interfere with the way the class was run.

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Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 17:21

Again, I just want to thank everyone for their advice and support.

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percypetulant · 10/12/2020 17:24

I wonder whether a school without enhanced provision would be better? Did you choose the school because of the additional/enhanced provision? I'm most schools without enhanced provision, he'd be kept in mainstream, because there's no other option.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/12/2020 17:28

You are 100% that I need to stop suggesting. I was trying to not seem like I wanted to interfere with the way the class was run.

I’m totally ok with interfering with how the class is run - I’m “that” parent, and proud. Either I’m “that” parent or my child becomes “that” child. I know which I’d rather. Trust yourself.

Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 17:33

@percypetulant Ironically, we chose that school because they have a big focus on the pastoral side of things, they have forest school type of days and they spend a lot of time outside, they promote children learning through play etc.

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percypetulant · 10/12/2020 17:37

All good things. But being put in additional provision for a bit of fascination with nudity, so young, feels a bit excessive.

Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 17:39

The head teacher emailed me back today as I asked about who the designated teacher for lac was. They said different parts of it was shared by 3 staff- so funding, attending meetings etc.
I have also pushed back about his funding being spent on the class in general if he has an identified need.

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Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 17:41

@percypetulant Totally agree.

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percypetulant · 10/12/2020 17:48

Don't be afraid to be the pushy parent. This is what our children need. It can be difficult, but you need to develop the skin of a rhino, with the force of a tiger (mum).

Bloody rain clouds as behaviour management. The staff should have their appraisals on clouds in the hall, see how they like it.

Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 17:56

Yeah I vented to some of my friends and received some “if it’s best for Charlie to get more 121 support...etc.” They don’t really get it as much as they try.
I’m glad I got some solid advice from other adopters and just go with my gut. Smile

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Niffler75 · 10/12/2020 18:03

@hiptobeasquare Hi! I can really empathize with where you are. At age 4 we were in a similar situation and my son was at risk of being expelled/heading to a PRU.
Although my son was 4 developmentally he was 2. He was in a supposedly nurturing school who quite clearly when if came to the crunch were not.
Even with all the input from us as parents and post adoption my son was labelled negatively.
The experience for us was so awful I removed him from school, then recieved the wrong kind of support as my son has FASD, battled through EHC application and are just now transitioning into a new school.
I hear you when you say you are losing confidence but honestly, trust your instincts. Do not allow your 4yo to be labelled when what he really needs us nurture and the right support.
The school need to support and meet your son where he is developmentally. If they can't then you may need to consider a school that can, like the school my son is now at which is quite frankly brilliant. ((Hugs))

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/12/2020 18:10

Bloody rain clouds as behaviour management. The staff should have their appraisals on clouds in the hall, see how they like it.

Now that I’d like to see 😈

Weekends · 10/12/2020 20:52

Hi,

Agree completely about being the pushy parent if needs be. I've been much more direct this year than ever before and my child has benefited from it.

Re the Designated Teacher for Previously LAC - yes the lead may delegate some responsibilities but ultimately there is still a lead and that's the requirement for all schools. Somebody does, or should, have that in their job description. If Ofsted asked, I'm sure the answer would be clearer! It's someone's job to be your child's ambassador in school, with a full awareness of their needs. The virtual school should be able to help you if you're not getting this info.

Keep going!😀

Original poster
hiptobeasquare · 10/12/2020 21:04

@Weekends Thanks for that extra info re the teacher. I have emailed the virtual head to ask a few questions.

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