Why I’m No Longer Talking To Non-Adopters About Adoption

[Moominmammaatsea]

With sincere apologies to Reni Eddo-Lodge for the rip-off title of my thread (by the way, Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race is a truly magnificent read and the essential handbook for anyone who wants to understand race relations in Britain today), but I am heartily sick of folk on here being told we’re wrong/doing it all wrong/and it will all go wrong...because we’re all wrong.

Just that really.

Is this about the 'Reasons not to adopt' thread? It didn't start out on the adoption board which is why it was full of non-adopters, and due to the title of the thread attracted some strong, and yet generally misinformed views. I deliberately avoided it after reading a few posts because it wound me up. Can you imagine having a thread 'Reasons not to be vegan' and then once plenty of anti-vegan sentiment is expressed, move it to a vegan board? It was never going to go well.

@sunshineandskyscrapers

Is this about the 'Reasons not to adopt' thread? It didn't start out on the adoption board which is why it was full of non-adopters, and due to the title of the thread attracted some strong, and yet generally misinformed views. I deliberately avoided it after reading a few posts because it wound me up. Can you imagine having a thread 'Reasons not to be vegan' and then once plenty of anti-vegan sentiment is expressed, move it to a vegan board? It was never going to go well.

Yup, just that really. So much ignorance. So many offensive comments.

I think a couple of folk suggested it be moved here because of the misinformation - the idea, I think, being that those of us who know could chip in and offer some balance.

Ah but moominmamma, remember the olden days when Adoption threads used to show up in Active and literally every thread that was posted here would have someone advocating for cry it out or time out or a swift clip round the ear?

At least we’re not in those days. 😉

But I also don’t talk to non-adopters about adoption. No matter how well they know me/my DC.

Couldn't agree more!
And after the day we had yesterday I could have written that post myself (well, there are still a few folk who I will still talk to!).
Hoping for a better day today!

In reference to the thread, the attitudes that upset me most, was the comments about trauma. You don’t want o adopt because the child might have experienced trauma type comments. Like it was some horrible disease you didn’t want. Like trauma might ruin your perfect little child. Those one stung the most. My son has trauma and no matter what he does to me, it’s nothing compared to the horrors that he has experienced

That thread was awful. I stopped reading after I saw one comment that suggested we should just not speak to children about their birth family or past and just let sleeping dogs lie. Truly ignorant.

That thread (and most threads on the main boards about adoption) made for hard reading. Sometimes I’m in a place where I can respond, and I do in the hope of shifting some of the ignorance and misunderstandings about adoption. It’s not my place to educate other people, but if I can and I have the headspace I’ll try. Sometimes I just don’t have the time or emotional energy because I’m busy parenting my children.

I think the comments about trauma are particularly awful because it suggests our children are “damaged” beyond repair when we know children can and do come through their experiences. I love listening to @ted27 for that reason - she’s so clear about the challenges but also about how well her boy is doing.

There’s so much wisdom and thoughtfulness from posters on the Adoption boards, we’re a lucky little community here, but largely people have out dated ill informed views and they forget that there are children, adoptive parents and birth parents living the lives they would never want to live. Some of the ways those views are expressed are at best clumsy and at worst down right offensive, it’s ok to just not want to deal with it - sometimes I can, and sometimes I simply can’t be arsed.

I think you should extend that to adoptees, but if you don't want to, that is fine, it is your choice who you engage with.

The only thing that I found difficult to process was the fact that apparently there is perceived wisdom out there that you can adopt from any background whatsoever other than if you are middle class professional.

Absolutely @sassygromit - the prejudice against professional middle class adopters was quite something, let’s not set our standards too high for these children who need a loving family, let’s not give them security and love, or have hopes and expectations for them. I’m amazed at the people who have a standard of “good enough” for adopted children that they would never accept as being ok for their own.

There is so much ignorance out there, I have terrible anxieties due to childhood trauma and I lived with my BM. My AD had of course suffered neglect, any of us could face difficulties at any point in our lives that could change our paths and our life plans. Children get sick, have accidents etc. I wonder what some posting on the (reasons not to adopt) thread would do in those situations, I’m sure they wouldn’t walk away from their traumatised or injured child, I see no difference in adopting a child. Life is full of unknowns, I have a friend who’s BC has suffered greatly from a young age due to a late diagnosis of autism and Aspergers she will never be able to live independently from them, they have had years of upset. Some people need to wake up and look at the bigger picture, shit happens, and when it happens to babies and young children thank goodness there are adopters out there with the common sense to see that every child deserves to be loved

And yes children do come through trauma, I suspect more often than we know. There must be many children that have had traumas in childhood and never confided in anyone.

So sorry just read some of the thread and was fuming, needed a rant.

I have a friend who says things “I know it’s not the same but when our dog came he would do that” referring to the dog they’ve rehomed. Seriously? Your comparing my child to your dog? You wouldn’t like it if I said, see my dog, he puts toys in his mouth just like your baby.... grrr. If you have no experience or understanding please don’t say anything.

I’ve another friend who, when I mentioned that my son was struggling with friendships at school, very unhelpfully said “I’m worried about my baby (due next month) not being able to go to mother and toddler groups because of the pandemic. You know how important the early years”. No. Don’t compare your unborn baby not going to a toddler group with my son who has had years of abuse and neglect. Not the same and completely undermines the challenges he has.

Maybe I need new friends....

I’m avoiding the thread, it would make me too mad but wanted to say thank you to all of the amazing posters on here who truly understand.

I have a friend who says things “I know it’s not the same but when our dog came he would do that” referring to the dog they’ve rehomed. Seriously? Your comparing my child to your dog?

I rarely have no words, but I have no words.

I made a complaint about my line manager who said things like “I’d put him back into care” “I don’t think your the right family, he deserves better than you.” “You need to think about your birth daughter, don’t you see the impact it’s having on her?”

My son has been home 2 years.

Needless to say, he is no longer my line manager.

What the actual fuck? That’s appalling - I’m glad he’s not your manager any more.

I’m very fortunate, I’m in social work in a small team, my manager (and the senior managers) have been brilliant with me and so flexible. I’m sorry you’re was such an arse.

121Sarah121 yep you need some new friends, I have really stuck close to a couple of friends that treat my daughter just like any other child, they have been life savers for me, I have had some hurtful comments, my favourite one was ( I never knew you were such a nice person) from someone that lived near me, while I was proudly out with my little one in the first few weeks🤔felt like slapping her face to show her how lovely I am 🤣 . We have had a horrible year I had an accident, and there is no end insight regarding recovery, I’m here today looking at my little one and I couldn’t be prouder of her, this wasn’t how I hoped it would be. No one knows what’s around the corner, don’t let anyone spoil one precious day with your children, because of their hurtful comments, I’m now taking my own advice and cuddling my 4 year old, and promising myself I will never read another thread with antagonistic title best wishes all you lovely parents

My manager was moved offices within a short time of that. He no longer manages staff.

He was probably saying what everyone thinks about us but in his role, he has no right to say it.

He also said things like “you should have known he would be challenging.” “You chose to adopt him so you just need to get on with it” “I don’t see why you’d even want to adopt, what were you thinking?”

I’ve never shouted at anyone before. I couldn’t even look him in the eye after that. I’ve never felt so judged in all my life.

I come across some appalling attitudes towards adoption but his took the biscuit.

That thread raised my blood pressure to shouting level, and @Moominmammaatsea, I actually did think of the Reni Eddo-Lodge title too.

I’m not an adopter, but have a lot of adopters and adoptees in my circle, including two godchildren, and I benefitted hugely in being able to support them from reading this board and the books and resources you have recommended on here down the years.

I have a birth child with his own complexities, and I have always found the advice on here about parenting the child you have very wise, and posts by posters like @Jellycatspyjamas and @Ted27 and others, as well as past regulars like Kewcumber, Lilka, and Maryz, (some of whom might still be here under other names?), have always given me material for thought.

Thank you all for letting me gain some insight into the world of adoption as a non-adopter, and to have helped me support my adopter friends in a more informed way.

I feel really isolated at times as a prospective adopter about to be matched and have been trying to build contacts and knowledge of adoptive parents, using this board and AUK being two avenues. There have been some really helpful posts, equally my partner told me not to read here after some of the things I shared with him. I have actually found differently to OP that my non adopter friends keep me going with what has been a very difficult wait. I would think that there are some non adopters and adopters and adoptees who are against adoption, ignorant or judgemental. We are all different and personally if people want to talk to me to understand adoption, or about their dogs, unborn children I welcome that conversation. It’s the people who don’t say anything that upset me.

@Bouncydoog I agree you can't lump all adopters, all adoptees, all birth parents or non adopters into one homogenous group each. Within all those groups are different people with different perspectives, people we might gel with or agree with, entirely or in part, and people we wouldn't.

And a positive of the other thread is that a few people listened and clearly took things on board. There was quite a variety of POVs expressed.

@Bouncydoog

I love my non adopter friends and I frequently find myself biting my tongue when they say things like 'DD is so lucky to have me as her parent' and 'my child used to have separation anxiety, she'll grow out of it in a year, you'll see'. Equally they give me the confidence to parent according to my child's needs when that deviates from the way I was brought up.

I also found some of the comments hard to take ! I really appreciate the lovely group on here that are so supportive of others.
In fact I have made two very lovely friends on here who have been a massive support to me over the last few years !