Reasons not to adopt

[Anon42153]

If facing years of fertility issues, and now realisation set in that biological child is not a possibility. Would you adopt? What would your reasons for not wanting to adopt be?

@Ted27 fair enough, I did say that other posters would offer the happy stories. I've lived in the UK for many years and until a few years ago I was also part of an adult adoptee support group in the UK. Obviously happy adoptees are unlikely to seek out a support group but I can assure you that the members of my support group did not have happy childhoods in their adoptive UK families. I still believe adoption should be an absolute last resort and even if no money changes hands, every happy adoptive parent is happy only because someone else - the birth parent- has gone through perhaps the most horrific thing imaginable aside from the death of a child. Maybe it couldn't be helped, maybe they were intractable addicts or mentally ill or probably a combination. Doesn't change the fact that one family was destroyed to create another.

What is the difference between Child Protection and permanency then? Don't the CP cases move on to permanency/adoption teams if the children can't live with birth parents?

Child protection tends to deal with immediate risk, assessing the living circumstances of the child, the parenting capacity of parents and their capacity for change. A CP social worker will work with the family reduce the risk of significant harm to a child usually via child protection registration and where that fails they will start the process to take a child into care. Once in care the CP social worker will continue to work with the family with the view of it being possible for the child to return home. Where it’s apparent that isn’t going to be possible, they will look at permanence planning eg adoption or permanent foster care.

Local authorities have permanence teams that become involved at that stage preparing the child for a permanent/long term placement, identifying appropriate placements and working through the legal processes. In some local authorities it’s included in the fostering and adoption team. Children who are in “permanent” foster care may need a change in placement for various reasons, and unfortunately some adoptions do breakdown - such children would be referred to a permanence team rather than a child protection team.

Hope that makes sense, I’m hoping @nevernotstruggling will fill in the gaps re permanence teams.

A close relative was adopted out of our family when her mother died suddenly. No drugs, no alcohol. Her Dad just couldn't cope with his grief, her and working, her mother had been a SAHM. They had 4 children and the three oldest went in and out of care, but weren't adopted, they youngest was only 2 years old and was adopted and had the best life. I remember seeing the yearly letters with photos and all the lovely things she did. I've met her since she turned 18 and she is very happy she was adopted, she has a relationship with her siblings since turning 18, as she was an only child in her adopted family.

A friend from college adopted a 3 year old after lots of trouble conceiving. She found the first year quite challenging, but the little girl has blossomed now she feels stable (she is at school now.) The main thing my friend said was that she found she had no down time, that it was constant. She said how she thought being parent was the rose tinted version not reality. The child had been given up at 6 months then they did foster to adopt, but she was fostered by others first, so lots of change for her in a short time. Becoming parents is a big shock for everyone, getting a 3 year even more !

I have two children, but I thought I would like to adopt before I had them. I don't think I could now because it turns out I am not patient enough for kids. But I also wouldn't have a third biological child. I would certainly consider fostering when my children are much older or left home.

If I hadn't had children I'd probably have adopted, but I don't think my DH would of been so keen as he wasn't bothered about having kids. So we prob would of had more dogs!

I still believe adoption should be an absolute last resort and even if no money changes hands, every happy adoptive parent is happy only because someone else - the birth parent- has gone through perhaps the most horrific thing imaginable aside from the death of a child.

It’s very true that birth parents whose children are adopted experience horrific loss, and it’s also true that those parents have very limited capacity to meet their child’s most basic needs for various reasons, some of which they have no control over.

Everyone comes to the point of adoption from a place of great loss, birth parents, children and adoptive parents. It’s one of the greatest challenges of adoption.

Removal of a child from their parent is a serious decision, one of the most serious you can make and is actually, legally, very difficult to do. Securing a child’s future in permanence is also difficult legally. It absolutely is a last resort, but those children have a right to a planned, predictable, secure future which it is hoped adoption will give them. The alternative is to leave children in the most awful of circumstances with the consequent impact on their life choices and chances.

@undercoverperfectionista

A close relative was adopted out of our family when her mother died suddenly. No drugs, no alcohol. Her Dad just couldn't cope with his grief, her and working, her mother had been a SAHM. They had 4 children and the three oldest went in and out of care, but weren't adopted, they youngest was only 2 years old and was adopted and had the best life. I remember seeing the yearly letters with photos and all the lovely things she did. I've met her since she turned 18 and she is very happy she was adopted, she has a relationship with her siblings since turning 18, as she was an only child in her adopted family.

A friend from college adopted a 3 year old after lots of trouble conceiving. She found the first year quite challenging, but the little girl has blossomed now she feels stable (she is at school now.) The main thing my friend said was that she found she had no down time, that it was constant. She said how she thought being parent was the rose tinted version not reality. The child had been given up at 6 months then they did foster to adopt, but she was fostered by others first, so lots of change for her in a short time. Becoming parents is a big shock for everyone, getting a 3 year even more !

I have two children, but I thought I would like to adopt before I had them. I don't think I could now because it turns out I am not patient enough for kids. But I also wouldn't have a third biological child. I would certainly consider fostering when my children are much older or left home.

If I hadn't had children I'd probably have adopted, but I don't think my DH would of been so keen as he wasn't bothered about having kids. So we prob would of had more dogs!

Wow that first story is so incredibly sad

@Nosuchthingastoomuchcheese

So much I could say but one thing I will say is there are no costs involved. That is a total myth. You pay for your medicals as part of the assessment process. That's it.

I think you do have to pay for the assessment process if you are planning to adopt from abroad.

@Wroxie, UK jurisprudence agrees with you (and most of us here would too) that adoption is very much the ‘last resort’ on these shores.

There was a landmark case in 2013, presided over by Sir James Mumby, and the judgment was that the Supreme Court in Re B (A Child) makes it clear that severance of the family ties inherent in an adoption without parental consent is an extremely draconian step. And that adoption must be considered as a last resort, and that it can be appropriate only when 'nothing else will do' and when all else fails.

@wroxie

of course there are some adoptions that don’t work out. And I’m also sure that adopters today are acutely aware that birth families suffer great losses. Absolutely the best place for any child is with birth family who love them and can care for them and keep them safe.
Adopters will often say that love is not enough, well that goes for birth families as well.
I have great sympathy for my son’s birth parents, but the fact remains that birth mum abandoned her children when my son was 4. There are many and complex reasons for that, not least that he is the third generation to go through the care system. She never really stood a chance, but couldnt look after herself, let alone two children with complex needs. Birth dad was no more capable of caring for them.

I do not doubt that my son’s birth parents love him, but neither of them could care for him. Both were given many chances and support from social services.

Just for info this is my story:
We adopted a girl of 7. For 10 years things went well...had a few issues but nothing major. She had a great childhood, nice friends, got good GCSE results and was set up for a happy life we thought.
At 17 all hell broke loose. She moved out at 18. She is 25 now. We are still in contact but her values are totally different to ours. I find it painful to see the way she lives her life.
If I could go back I would never have adopted because I feel I was just wasting my time thinking I could make a difference.
I know of another family who adopted 2 children separately at a much younger age. They have had similar experiences to us.
I'm sure it does work out sometimes but it is a huge risk and when it doesn't work out the pain you feel is unbearable.

My marriage nearly broke down, I became suicidal and 7 years on I am still taking antidepressants.
It is a risk and problems can arise years later as in our case.

I have heard from professionals in the adoption services that people who are already parents take to adopting a child more easily than a childless one. Thinking about it, I have known a couple of people who had an adopted sibling and they seemed successful.

It's not something I ever seriously considered having been adopted myself and I was fortunate enough to not have fertility problems (nothing clever about me there, just happened); however I have known a couple of kids I'd have been happy to bring up had the need arisen.

Wow- There is a lot of over thinking on this thread! Yes, adoption can be challenging. Being assessed is a bit weird but actually quite an interesting reflective process. Many of the kids that are available for adoption have had really difficult starts to life and can have a host of genetic and environmental difficulties. As we can see on this thread, lots of people have prejudices and fixed ideas about how adoption feels and what adoption is. Also, adoption almost always has a very sad backstory that as an adoptive family you have to live with and help your kid understand. And yes, your adopted kid might struggle and feel frustrated and angry and sad and as a parent its your job to help with that. And it can be a bit relentless and hard. But for me, all of that is fine. I'm not particularly patient or amazing but I am a parent to 2 adopted kids and we are just a fab, fun family who have a lot of laughs (and arguments and nonsense!) And we talk about being adopted alot, chat about birth family etc but thats OK and actually it doesn't feel threatening or weird or anything it just makes us closer. They might shout inevitable stuff like 'Your not my real mum' etc in anger sometimes but it really isn't a big deal when you know that deep down, you LOVE the bones of them and they LOVE the bones of you! So I suppose there are lots of reasons not to adopt but Im really glad I didn't think if any of them too hard before we adopted our kids!!

And plenty of kids who are not adopted 'go off the rails' or take drugs/drink/go to prison or feel rubbish about their childhood and parents etc but when a kid who is adopted does it, adoption always seems to be sited as the reason! I have had people ask me 'has there been any problems yet?' about my kids. Its as though people are just waiting for it to go wrong.

@jessstan1 it means that you have a personal interest in something as you have been / are involved with it somehow so you care what happens. As opposed to just talking about something out of interest, but you aren't involved in it and have no investment as to the outcome.

I have heard from professionals in the adoption services that people who are already parents take to adopting a child more easily than a childless one.

I’m not entirely sure I agree with that, adoption is a game changer for everyone regardless of how they come to it. But, if you’re already a parent you have some kind of routine, you are used to the 24/7 nature of caring for a child, you are used to the sheer surgery of endless housework that you don’t have if you’re not a parent. You’ve also already gone through the changes in identity that come with being a parent, and have taken time out of work for parents leave and know what it’s like to step away from work. First time adoptive parents have all of that very usual adjustment to make and it’s an immediate process when a child is placed with you - it the gradual physical, emotional and psychological changes that come through pregnancy.

So yes, I think it’s hard for first time parents to adjust to adoption but equally you may have a very easy birth child and adopt a child that is more challenging. Or find that the way you parented your first needs to completely change for your adopted child.

It’s all an “if, but, or maybe”.

@jessstan1 He is so lucky to be able to grow up in a family

I get comments like this as well, I always point out that there is absolutely nothing lucky about being adopted. Why would anyone think a child that needs to be adopted from the care system is lucky?!

I have an 'instinctive' connection to my (adopted) daughter. Absolute, overwhelming love.

She does have some additional needs, but way less than a friends daughter who was born with a genetic condition and will never live independently.

To be clear, friend's daughter is her biological daughter. Only about a year difference in age, but where my DD is getting more and more independent (early teens), friend's daughter isn't.

Presumably everyone who 'doesn't have the patience / can't stand paperwork ' would have abandoned a biological child if they turned out to be imperfect...

I think in relation to disruptions it depends on the definition of disruption. The official percentage is apparently around 3 percent but many people involved think the reality is higher. If you are talking about total relationship breakdown as opposed to "official" disruption I think you'd be looking probably at well over 50 percent. I think that things could be done differently to vastly improve outcomes.

@chicklette you mention children in normal families going off the rails but with most of these situations it is to do with parenting, and the same applies for adoption. This is not so much blaming the parents, many parents are doing the very best they can, and problems can be caused by lack of money or support or resources or other reasons. I think the difference with adoption is there is more blame shifted elsewhere.

I have a DD & wanted more children which I unfortunately couldn't achieve naturally so we adopted.
It's not for the feint hearted. It's a long and traumatic process.
We eventually matched with a little girl who 'on paper' was the perfect match. However red flags & alarm bells started from the initial introduction & we got steam rolled into progressing
Long story short the adoption failed after 9 traumatic months for all: the little girl, is & my daughter
I totally agree that there are so many children desperately needing a loving home, which we hoped to provide. However, the children can be very damaged & the authorities don't have the funds or resources to help much beyond the initial 6 weeks of placement.
They also invade your home unannounced regularly which causes more distribution to your adopted child.
I know 5 adoption cases amongst friends & their stories are no different
Every child needs a loving home but it's a life changing decision that doesn't always have a happy ending .. I've had months of counselling since.
Look for a surrogate .. circa £10k
I'd never look to adopt again sadly

@pandarific There seems to be an assumption on this thread that having trauma = a fait accompli of a terrible life/ruining everyone else's life, somehow. Sort of a vibe of 'That's it, they're traumatised, end of, don't bother,' - it just doesn't sit right with me the leading psychiatrists and clinical psychologists involved agree with you! (And me) I think that a key problem is expectations given to adoptive parents, and woeful training

@flaviaritt your comment about being impatient etc was, as I took it, lighthearted response to what i had said. I don't think @Jellycatspyjamas read it in context of all your previous posts, and that is why she got upset about it so don't take her comments personally.

Everyone comes to the point of adoption from a place of great loss, birth parents, children and adoptive parents I think people need to stop saying this. The adopters and the birth parents are adults, and have choices. The situation for the adoptee is not comparable, they are children and have no choices. It is glib comments like this which are repeated endlessly on mn threads and have been for years) which leads to poor practice in adoption.

The alternative is to leave children in the most awful of circumstances with the consequent impact on their life choices and chances I think that the ideal of this is perfect but the reality is that the care the children receive after removal is often appallingly substandard and more focus is needed on changing this.

takeoffyourboots

Thanks, I appreciate it.

My goddaughters came to their parents when they were 2 and 4. They are amazing children, but both have been diagnosed with attachment disorders and both have since been diagnosed with additional special needs - things that my friends didn't know when they adopted them. I have seen how hard this has been and there is pretty much no post-adoption support. And the adoption approval process itself is brutal and (understandably) invasive, so having witnessed this first hand I don't think I have the strength of character to be an adopter. But if I had been unable to have children I'm sure I would have a different opinion.

Everyone comes to the point of adoption from a place of great loss, birth parents, children and adoptive parents I think people need to stop saying this. The adopters and the birth parents are adults, and have choices. The situation for the adoptee is not comparable, they are children and have no choices. It is glib comments like this which are repeated endlessly on mn threads and have been for years) which leads to poor practice in adoption.

I don’t make that comment glibly, it’s true. Yes adopters and birth parents are adults but they still have a natural response to change and loss which is part of the landscape in adoption. They have choices in how they react to their losses but the emotional response is there. More attention and support may help prevent a mum having multiple children removed from them, or may help prevent breakdowns in adoption.

Of course the child’s experience isn’t comparable, not least because there capacity for emotional literacy and expression is developing and the lack control in the decisions made for them. Adoptive parents are often dealing with their own losses, while trying to care for traumatised children in the kids of their own loss. It’s ridiculous to suggest we ignore or disregard loss in the adoption process for all parties, which does lead to poor practice.