I can’t bond with my adopted child.

[Adoptionmum64]

I don't actually believe that I’m writing this down, but we recently had a child placed with us , who is four years old, with a view to adopting him.

I am really really struggling and I really hate myself so much right now. I am utterly ashamed I feel this way.

He is not a likeable child at all and I am struggling to bond with him. I am just going through the motions and pretending to him that I love him but I don’t. I dont like him. He’s clean, fed, played with and included in our family life but I feel this is a massive mistake.

I have an older child, who I utterly adore. He is also adopted and I have a strong bond with him. He’s funny, sweet, kind, loving, cheeky and I would do anything for him.

The newly placed child is very different. He has been aggressive towards my eldest and is always hurting him, to the point that I can’t leave them alone for a few minutes because I can trust that he won’t attack my son. He whines, he hits, he lies, he has temper tantrums and I am exhausted.

He has spend most of his life in foster care, so has had minimal contact with his biological family, but I am fully aware his last will affect who he is and what has happened to him.

I thought It would be nice for my eldest to have a sibling to play with and have fun with.

Any advice at all would be very appreciated. Has anyone else felt like this and if you have, how long did it last and what helped.

I don’t want the adoption to disrupt, but I’m so scared I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

I can't offer advice so I'm here to hold your hand until far wiser people come along to help you.

Thank you ❤️

Firstly, don't feel ashamed of your feelings, as a second time adopter you know its early days, you know how hard it can be.

Of course you don't love him, he is still a stranger to you, but those feelings can and do grow.
It strikes me that this is a very different experience for you than your first child. Were you expecting it to be the same and because its not, its hard and you see your elder child being hurt by the new arrival.

I think you maybe need to let go of that fantasy you had about siblings and deal with what you have in front of you. You also have the added pressures of lockdown. Cut yourself some slack. You say you don't want to disrupt so that's a good enough starting point.
How does your partner feel ?

Sounds like it's very early days and you are mostly seeing negative behaviour from AC rather than a mix of positive and negative....

Please be kind to yourself and allow time for things to change.

Have you resources to read about seeing it through his eyes? The unkindness towards your elder child sounds like extreme attention seeking - can you love bomb both of them?

We didn’t expect it to be the same in any way and our eldest child took years to settle in. My eldest has massive attachment issues among other things, but it was very much love at first sight. As soon as I saw him, he was my child. We now have a very close bond.

This is so different. Our youngest child’s behaviour seems sinister to us. He is aggressive, he hurts animals (like kicks cats and dogs, squashes bugs and laughs about it) he bites, he cry's literally for hours on end when he doesn’t his own way. He talks about death non stop, and is obsessed with dead things, including bringing dead animals into the house. He smashes up our belongings and breaks my eldest sons special toys. I’m exhausted and I don’t know what to do.

When I adopted my eldest, I promised I would always keep him safe.

My husband is a an amazing dad and the most patient man I know. He is very concerned.

@RandomMess

Sounds like it's very early days and you are mostly seeing negative behaviour from AC rather than a mix of positive and negative....

Please be kind to yourself and allow time for things to change.

Have you resources to read about seeing it through his eyes? The unkindness towards your elder child sounds like extreme attention seeking - can you love bomb both of them?

I have a few books I’ve read. It’s early days, but I worry so much that I don’t have the same feeling for the first time I met my eldest. What kind of mum can’t love their own child.

I feel he would be better somewhere else where he would be loved as that’s what he needs and deserves.

Are you getting trauma therapy as part of your package? My friend paid privately for this and it made all the difference.

Sendig hugs to you all.

@Adoptionmum64

that doesnt sound good, but probably not new behaviours from him, do you think information was withheld from you ?
What does the SW say ? He sounds like a very troubled little boy.

There are 2 separate things

"Love at first sight"

Often happens with your first birth child and not the subsequent ones (certainly in my experience it grew over time).

His behaviour around killing/hurting things - ok I would feel majorly out of my depth and be on the phone to SS/whoever is supposed to provide professional therapy etc

We weren’t told about any of these behaviours but speaking to his foster carers, this seems to be typical. He’s a very different child from the one on paper we were matched with.

We haven’t spoken to social services about this yet, but we have asked for someone to contact us for advice.

@RandomMess

There are 2 separate things

"Love at first sight"

Often happens with your first birth child and not the subsequent ones (certainly in my experience it grew over time).

His behaviour around killing/hurting things - ok I would feel majorly out of my depth and be on the phone to SS/whoever is supposed to provide professional therapy etc

Can I be cheeky and ask if you have any adopted children as well as your biological children?

@RandomMess. The behaviour is really sinister. My eldest took a long time to settle in, and we accepted we were in for the long haul and do everything we can to support him, but his behaviours were nothing like what the youngest one is displaying just now.

I genuinely don’t love him. I’m scared of him to be honest, and I’m feeling awful about it. I’m worried he will really hurt someone as he has no empathy.

@Adoptionmum64

so the FC didnt think to tell you about it, particularly knowing there was another child in the home Ffs I despair sometimes. I thought it was fairly common knowledge now that cruelty to animals was an indicator of serious issues.

I think you are right to be comcerned. I would get on to his SW and get help in now, and your SW should be kicking up a fuss

OP, this sounds so hard, I’m so sorry. I’ve not been in your shoes as our DC were very tiny when placed with us so I’m only really here to offer a handhold.

I wonder whether this behaviour is ‘really’ him or if it’s a sort of acting out due to being newly placed, separated from FC etc?

I’d turn up the pressure on your LA and demand help pronto.

Are you in touch with his FC at all? Might be worth asking them if they’ve ever seen these behaviours from him before.

Please don’t be harsh on yourself OP. You have done a wonderful job with your eldest. As I am sure you are very well aware of, some adopted children settle, but some can lead a life of disruption for their whole family. His behaviour does sound sinister, and it may be something even lovely parents such as yourself can never change. Please, please don’t be harsh on yourself whatever decision you make.

@Ted27 it’s been a long month 😢 I keep trying to remind myself he’s still a baby. The FC found the behaviour normal and said it was just boys being boys...however I don’t see this.

I’m so stressed out and totally out my depth with this.

No only birth DC.

DC1 - instant bond

New relationship several years on:
DC2 - took a while longer but utterly adored being her Mum etc that DH agreed to another and got pregnant again quickly
DC3 - undiagnosed summer reflux, it was horrific I went back to work to get away from her.
DC4 - when she was several weeks/a few months old I distinctly remember DH asking if I was ok because I haven't bonded with her.

All the bonds grew over time and I really don't have a favourite/stronger bond.

Adoption is very different and I think an older child is really hard because a baby shows their needs in crying whereas what your youngest is displaying is very concerning.

I am so upset that SS weren't open and honest about his behaviour yet it seems to be common

If you're a Facebook user join the Therapeutic Parenting group on there. You can join the NATP and get loads of advice and help. There's loads of people who have been/are going through similar scenarios with damaged children. You'll find it really useful I think. It's tough but he's hurting and tearing you out that you won't leave him amongst other things.

@popcornlover thanks for your kindness and not judging me.

However, I feel trapped now. What type of person gives their adopted child back. It’s a despicable thought, but life was much better and happier for us all with out him. If it was just my husband and I, we would have stuck it out better, but I worry for my eldest son as he has been through enough without having this to deal with.

I am so so stressed and upset all the time.

Your lives have been completely turned upside down and in a very different way to a newborn/baby turning up.

I can only imagine how tough it is, please be so very kind to yourselves.

I had baby blues (or at least that's what my sw said) with my adopted dd and felt very much the same as you. All I'd recommend is that you are open and honest with the social workers and don't go to the next step and legally adopt until you are sure. Don't ignore your gut instinct.

I am 7 years down the road with my dd and a lot of the behaviour you mentioned I have with my dd. Plus I have an older dd who bears the brunt of the physical and emotional abusive behaviours. Tbh the adoption is at breaking point.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk it over.

@GinisLife thank you so much ❤️ I will have a look at this just now

@RandomMess

Thank for getting back. Ok, that actually makes me feel a little better bizarrely enough!

Xx

Thank you xx

I know a good few adopters who have had unsuitable matches placed with them and it so unfair. I get there’s massive pressure on social services to find homes for these children, but I wonder if they hide info to get the difficult to adopt kids placed.

Mist adopters will go,through with it (we the ones I know have)

Thanks for your kindness xx

Send him back. Better now than later

I know well several long time FC and adopters (of money babies) my DC are all altruistic about adopting and my heart sinks because I know so often it is blood sweat and tears without a happy ending

I feel SS is a mess, we give birth parents so much time and resource with their DC, removal happens late, Foster care is so underfunded, adopters given a child and abandoned

You know that some adoptions don’t go ahead because the match is wrong, don’t blame yourself. Maybe this little boy doesn’t feel suited to your family maybe it’s just not meant to be for him.

Speak to your social worker, don’t feel bad or ashamed