I can’t bond with my adopted child.

[Adoptionmum64]

I don't actually believe that I’m writing this down, but we recently had a child placed with us , who is four years old, with a view to adopting him.

I am really really struggling and I really hate myself so much right now. I am utterly ashamed I feel this way.

He is not a likeable child at all and I am struggling to bond with him. I am just going through the motions and pretending to him that I love him but I don’t. I dont like him. He’s clean, fed, played with and included in our family life but I feel this is a massive mistake.

I have an older child, who I utterly adore. He is also adopted and I have a strong bond with him. He’s funny, sweet, kind, loving, cheeky and I would do anything for him.

The newly placed child is very different. He has been aggressive towards my eldest and is always hurting him, to the point that I can’t leave them alone for a few minutes because I can trust that he won’t attack my son. He whines, he hits, he lies, he has temper tantrums and I am exhausted.

He has spend most of his life in foster care, so has had minimal contact with his biological family, but I am fully aware his last will affect who he is and what has happened to him.

I thought It would be nice for my eldest to have a sibling to play with and have fun with.

Any advice at all would be very appreciated. Has anyone else felt like this and if you have, how long did it last and what helped.

I don’t want the adoption to disrupt, but I’m so scared I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

I can completely understand your fears, how are the school - will they contact you if he does need you? The single thing that has made a huge difference is having a school who really gets adoption, my kids HT is an adoptive parent too and is very on board. With my DD particularly is we have a really good relationship and a shared understanding of how to support her. Her class teacher and I keep in regular contact and we use the same strategies at home and at school to help her mood and regulate her behaviour. The head teacher and I meet each term to explore what comes next etc.

Given you’ve got a very specific concern, I wonder if it’s worth meeting with the school, explaining your concerns and agree how they’ll respond and the point at which they’ll contact you to help comfort and regulate him. I imagine the school won’t be keen to agree to bring you in but in the circumstances I think it’s reasonable. Will your child have an EHCP?

In terms of reacting - kids can’t develop secure attachment without separation, without rupture and repair - it’s how they learn relationships can be fixed and that people continue to care for them even when they’re hurt or angry. It’s so important to show kids a real relationship, the authenticity helps them connect - fake it til you make it is a good strategy if someone’s really struggling but I always encourage parents to find at least one thing they can genuinely connect to and love about their child. Amidst that very hard stuff having one point of genuine affection gives the child something to trust and you something to build on.

I know it might not feel like it, but you’re doing an incredible job with your little one.

Thank you for your encouragement @Jellycatspyjamas

I’ve spoke to the deputy quite a few times but not the class teacher yet. I will feel better when I do that. She was my daughter’s teacher when my son joined the family so knows all about him and some of his behaviour. I am so pleased that she is his teacher. My anxiety is probably bigger than his.

Nothing much to add other than what's been said here - the main thing of which is to not be too hard on yourself. Somebody else also said (sorry, am terrible at scrolling to find names) to listen to your gut - that's very important. I've actually come here as have just said no to adopting child No2 and am feeling absolutely horrendous about it so can only begin to imagine how you must feel with thoughts of disruption popping in, of course nobody ever starts out wanting that. Am wondering whether fate has led me to your post as one of my worries is how a new adoption would impact on my child. Be kind to yourself.