I can’t bond with my adopted child.

[Adoptionmum64]

I don't actually believe that I’m writing this down, but we recently had a child placed with us , who is four years old, with a view to adopting him.

I am really really struggling and I really hate myself so much right now. I am utterly ashamed I feel this way.

He is not a likeable child at all and I am struggling to bond with him. I am just going through the motions and pretending to him that I love him but I don’t. I dont like him. He’s clean, fed, played with and included in our family life but I feel this is a massive mistake.

I have an older child, who I utterly adore. He is also adopted and I have a strong bond with him. He’s funny, sweet, kind, loving, cheeky and I would do anything for him.

The newly placed child is very different. He has been aggressive towards my eldest and is always hurting him, to the point that I can’t leave them alone for a few minutes because I can trust that he won’t attack my son. He whines, he hits, he lies, he has temper tantrums and I am exhausted.

He has spend most of his life in foster care, so has had minimal contact with his biological family, but I am fully aware his last will affect who he is and what has happened to him.

I thought It would be nice for my eldest to have a sibling to play with and have fun with.

Any advice at all would be very appreciated. Has anyone else felt like this and if you have, how long did it last and what helped.

I don’t want the adoption to disrupt, but I’m so scared I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

He may need to be an only child, many DC available for adoption are most likely the same.

@Adoptionmum64

I could go with pulling legs off spiders as 'normal' little boy behaviours, I'm sure my brothers did this, but the other behaviours sound much more serious.
You have used the word sinister several times, you are an experienced adopter, I think you know the difference. Don't ignore your gut reaction here.
You also have a duty to your older child. I'm not suggesting you call SW and ask for him to be removed now, but I do think this this is beyond the usual settling in issues. I really think you have been let down here. Get help pronto.

I have definitely never wrote a CPR without the relevant information (Sw for 10+ years) and certainly would not agree to match to an adoptive family if it didn't think it was right. Problem's I have had in the past have been, not being aware of certain behaviours as the foster carers haven't mentioned it...

What I would advise is speaking to the child's social worker and your social worker. Has he has a story stems or MIMs previously? both will help to identify what support he needs.

Whilst the hurting animals is not good, its not the be all and end all but please don't keep it to yourself x

Christ, this is horrendous. I feel sorry for you but mainly the child (not a dig at you) as wonder what's made him like this. So sad. Good luck OP

@mrsed1987 one of my adopter friends, well the FC set up was just shocking. It demonstrates that this is underfunded and for every amazing FC there are others that are below par

I don't envy SW - damned if you and damned if you don't and not enough time to do your jobs as well as you could if the £ were available.

@RandomMess

Yes totally agree, the majority are amazing, but always bad apples as in all professions!

It's a wonderful and rewarding jobs at times, but also sad, frustrating and I've spent many a night crying and weekend working.

But to adopt a child is something I don't think I could do, so to the OP, I hope you reach out and get the support your family needs.

I know of families who have been put in this position because SWs have not informed them about the child having an attachment disorder before placing them.

Taking on a child like this is huge. They need a very different kind of parenting and you can't do this without proper training and support.

If this is what is happening to you, you need a frank conversation with your SW ASAP. Also, read up on attachment.

When that YouTuber recently had her child placed in a different home, I ended up reading a lot of articles about adoption. And it's actually not that unheard of for a family to change their minds about an adoption. It. Doesn't always work out.

See if you can find support groups or something? Sorry I don't have the best advice

To me I'd be very concerned about him hurting animals and laughing when he kills bugs, he may well need to be an only child, and get all that one to one attention and help with his anger.
It isn't boys being boys that is a cop out.

This is just heartbreaking to read, I totally feel for you I can't imagine being in your position, but my heart is breaking for the little boy, only 4, what has made him this way and he's going to be put back in the system and these behaviours will probably get worse, so more unlikely he'll be rehomed. Of course this isn't your responsibility but it's an awful situation for you both

I agree with a pp that he might need to be an only child. Not the same i know but i have fostered several children and some of them just did not fit with our family. No matter how we persevered it was just never going to work. Trust your gut, you, your dh and your older ds deserve better than this, and so does this little boy.

I'e no advice at all, but just want to say, whatever happens, please do not be hard on yourself. XXXXX

I have had an incredibly difficult time with my adopted son. He was 3 when placed and I had a child who was 5 at the time.

I was given very little information (we got a redacted report from Sw. We were told it was just names redacted. Turned out lots of important information was also redacted. I called his Sw out on it. That’s another story). My point being, on paper, he was the perfect match. In reality, at age 3, he had never formed an attachment to anyone (we were told he had) and has attachment issues. He had also suffered a lot of trauma (we weren’t told much about it).

Because I have an older child, I was told that we couldn’t accommodate a child with violence. We were told he wasn’t violent. Turns out, he is incredibly violent, much more than a normal child. He hits, bites, kicks, spits, throws things, used objects to hurt us, he self harms, make threats, hurts the dog. If you read about trauma, my boy ticks all the boxes. I want you to know you are not alone.

Over the past 2 years he has me at breaking point. If it hadn’t been for my husband working from home during lockdown, I don’t know how I’d be coping (I posted a thread at the start of the year called “I’m exhausted”. It’s poignant to me as it details how things were for me).

The reason I’ve not sent him back? My daughter. That’s her brother and she loves and protects him. They are close, closer than most. At times, I have no doubt, his behaviour has caused trauma in my daughter but she couldn’t lose him.

I have no idea what our future holds and I am terrified. I used to be so excited for the future but I worry about him all the time and can only live in the moment. (Constantly watching for him dysregulating).

My expectations of adoption were different. I thought we would be a happy family of 4 but if we are not an unhappy family then I’ve realised that’s a success.

We do have happy times and things have settled into life. My son has lots of additional needs albeit undiagnosed. These needs relate to attachment and trauma and over time, we have learned, as a family, to meet these needs. I could never send him back to foster care l, for us, that wasn’t an option. Had we had all the information before matching, I would have had to have a long think about things.

I suppose this won’t really help you much but it’s our experience.

This sounds really tough. I adopted a sibling pair, instantly fell in love with one child and really really didn’t like the other (not dissimilar to your description - violent with her brother, seemed to lack empathy, would hurt bugs and insects etc). I found it very hard going indeed - worried that she might seriously hurt her little brother. None of the behaviour was mentioned by foster carers but it was very obvious they didn’t like her and found her to be sinister/wicked/delinquent- at age 6.

You said you understood his last foster placement would influence him long term - I’d urge you to go right back to the beginning, pre-birth if you have the information because all of that will influence the person he is. In our case my daughter literally had to fight for food and physical care - so she saw her little brother as competition in a life and death fight for very basic needs. Going back through her life story, I can see why she reacts the way she does and can address that at source - “it’s ok, there’s more than enough for you both” over and over and over.

She also appeared to have no empathy - didn’t react when she was disciplined or when her brother was in tears because she had hurt him. In reality she had absolutely no language for feelings, couldn’t have told me she was happy, sad, angry etc so we needed to do a lot of work on emotional literacy. Her care in foster care had been such that if she was upset or scared no one would comfort or care for her - when you understand that we learn empathy for others by being shown empathy ourselves it’s no surprise she had no compassion. And so it goes on.

In terms of getting through it - is there part of your younger son that you do feel compassion and empathy for, no matter how small? Start there, show him your compassion and care for him - go through the motions as much as you need to but try to find one thing about him that you connect with in a genuine way. Care experienced kids are super perceptive, it comes from a place of trauma, but he will know in some level that you aren’t connecting with him which won’t help his behaviours.

Try to give him as much 1:1 time as possible so that he’s not competing with your other child, find out what he likes and what helps calm him and do lots of that, give him limited choice about what you do and where you go - include him as part of the family, eg have a weekly family menu and help him add his favourite foods etc. If you’ve not already done so try to get some family photographs of you all together put them around the house so he sees himself being accepted and claimed.

Look at it from his point of view, he’s not got a relationship with his birth family, may have been moved foster placements a number of times and now has been given to you, you already have a much loved child and he needs to find his place in your home and your family. He doesn’t know anyone, is terrified because every single thing in his life has changed - again - doesn’t know the rules here, hasn’t got familiar people, places and things to help him and has had no choice in any of it. If someone did that to me, I’d let the world burn. He’s lashing out at anyone and anything he can, he’ll also test the boundaries to see how far he needs to go before you move him on too - just like everyone else. Go back and do some reading again about why traumatised, care experienced children lie, hit and steal - if you understand what’s got him to that point, your natural empathy and compassion might take over here.

The placement might disrupt - only you know you can cope with, but this sounds like a wee boy in need of lots of love and compassion which I know is totally counterintuitive when he’s being violent and challenging. Look for things to love about him - and communicate that love to him

My DD is 3 years in now and has gone from a disruptive, challenging, hard faced child to the most soft, caring, compassionate girl. It’s been a hard road but worth hanging in for.

I don’t judge you at all for feeling the way you do, I’ve so been there. Do get some support for yourself - I found my own therapy very useful in the early days if only to say there what I couldn’t say anywhere else.

@jellycatspyjamas You have bought tears to my eyed and summed up just how the little boy must be feeling so well. Please don't give up on him. It will be a hard road but you need to retire his neural pathways with love and boundaries. Join Therapeutic Patenting. Join the NATP. Get their help and support. Invest time and effort and you will fix him. It will take time, and you will feel desperate but putting him back into care will just lengthen the process

@Adoptionmum64

I apologise for my sad, melancholy post above.

I suppose what I was trying to say is, when I thought about adoption I was scared. I wanted the happily ever after, Disney version. I realised that isn’t guaranteed and that scared me. Then I became determined and thought “bring it on” I can do this.

Then looking into my son and the match, I thought, perfect. He sounds a perfect match for my family and he moved in.

Then we soon realised a lot was omitted from his report and cracks showed. I wasn’t getting my happily ever after and that was hard to swallow. I thought to, had I made a mistake? We were happy as 3 and we aren’t happy as 4. But over time, we are not unhappy. But life isn’t a Disney movie. There are bumps in the road. Plus you never find out what happens after the prince and princess get married. They would have had bumps too but Disney don’t show you that.

When my son hurts my daughter, I see red. My mummy bear (and that’s how I like to describe it) instinct kicks in and I want to protect my cub. Equally, if anyone hurts my son, mummy bear is right there too. It’s very difficult to put things in perspective when you are stressed. You are also hyper vigilant, constantly looking out for danger to protect your children. That’s tiring.

It’s ok to feel that this isn’t what you wanted when going through the adoption process for a second time. Nobody wants this. But you also know why your youngest is like this. And you also know the rewards are great. You’ve seen how great you are as a parent and a family. Your eldest is testimony to that.

You’ve got this. You can do it. Reach out for support and look after everyone especially yourself. Everyone needs support and to be supportive of each other right now and over time, maybe weeks or months, you will see a change in him as you become his family.

I’m so sorry that you were not told about these behaviours before he was placed. He sounds like a very scared little boy who is acting out hugely and I can totally see why this is very scary for you, especially when you have another child to protect.

I can’t say what I would do in your situation but I do think you need to be very honest with your close in agency about how you are feeling and your concerns. The little boy sounds incredibly traumatised and as you will know already being an adoptive parent this is not likely to go away, although things will get easier with time as you will develop strategies to deal with his behaviour and love with no doubt come in time.

Sometimes behaviours are not apparent in the foster home and it is not as simple as fc or the social worker withheld information- adopted children's needs evolve over time and let's not underestimate the impact of another move for this child which will bring a whole other range of behaviours with it that may never have been seen before. I am a previous foster carer, now an adopter and also a SW.

With regards to the unkind behaviour towards animals this is not necessarily something sinister as I am currently experiencing this too. My child was placed with my a 2 weeks old, has never lived anywhere else (came from hospital) and is now 5. She has attachment issues stemming from her horrific in utero experience, and the behavioural problems are a result of developmental trauma. Even children removed at birth can have significant difficulties. It is not necessarily the fc fault or that the child has been exposed to abuse.

My child hurts my dog all the time and I find it incredibly upsetting, can't leave them together for a second. However, we must remember that behind all behaviour is a feeling. The child is communicating through their behaviour that they are finding things hard, can't regulate, are upset etc but can't verbalise this.

My child also laughs when she hurts the dog, but this isn't because she finds it funny, this is shame! And shame is such a powerful emotion that dominates many adopted children's lives. Shame that she can't control herself, shame that she doesn't know how to explain herself.. shame will manifest in laughing and looks like a lack of empathy. But this is not true, adopted children do have empathy but they need to be taught to repair when they have hurt the dog, taught strategies to regulate, and taught healthy ways to communicate their emotions.

So to the OP it sounds like you will need therapeutic interventions such as DDP to support you with this. There is help available and I suggest you get this in place before you apply for the adoption order as this child is likely to need ongoing support, as is mine.

Sarah121 I am very moved and humbled by reading your experience. I thought I had had a hard time of it, but I realise i have not!

My issues have often been with my older, birth, child; who has made life so hard.

I just wanted to say you are incredible. I really hope that does not sound hollow. It really is not meant to.

OP only you know what is right for you and your family. Can you get some urgent post adoption support and intervention?

I would ask now if you are going to continue. If you are not going to continue, you may still need some support for your older child. The 'service' has badly let you, your older child and this boy down.

Shocking and sad.

I have no advice except to get help for whatever happens. Xxxxx

Jellycatspyjamas your post is AMAZING. I honestly think you, and other posters like Sarah shoume write books. Sgaring your knowledge and experience so well.

@Italiangreyhound thank you so much for saying so. This forum, knowing I’m not alone, has kept my family together.

Thank you Sarah o have also found this forum a great help.

That’s very kind of you @Italiangreyhound - I’d love to write but I’ve got two little people who keep me on my toes so it’ll need to wait a while. This forum helps me so much, it’s good to be able to contribute back.

I think OP that you are being entirely responsible to question whether you should go ahead with this, because of your already vulnerable existing child. Even if you put in place excellent help from a clinical psychologist/psychiatrist, your child would need a love of therapeutic input from you, and would you be able to also protect your other child, and meet both children's needs? And "even if" is about right, presently, unless you have means to fund it yourself there is no guarantee of the right help being available.

I agree with @endofacentury that a child displays different behaviours in different environments and that needs evolve and change over time - so a child who didn't hurt animals may after a few years in a different environment start doing so for the first time, but the distinguishing factor here is that he has only been with you one month. For the child to be reacting violently to the new home is one thing but what you describe sounds more serious and longstanding.

I agree it isn't "sinister" as with the right help every child can be helped - the evidence is that left unchecked or without the right help a child showing these behaviours at 4 may well end up very dangerous - it is the right help now which is the important thing.

Can you get an evaluation from a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist with expertise in trauma and attachment and adoption now to give you some guidance now about what is needed for your dc now and what to expect so that you can make an informed decision?

If you decide not to go ahead, with the information from the evaluation you could loudly advocate for him, for the help he needs. It may well be as PPs have said he needs to be an only child at this stage.

Please don't feel guilty if you decide you could not meet the needs of this child with your existing child, as only you can know what you can do in view of their conflicting needs. There are some very positive heartwarming stories here which is good but again each with key distinguishing factors.

*"lot of" therapeutic input not "love of".