I can’t bond with my adopted child.

[Adoptionmum64]

I don't actually believe that I’m writing this down, but we recently had a child placed with us , who is four years old, with a view to adopting him.

I am really really struggling and I really hate myself so much right now. I am utterly ashamed I feel this way.

He is not a likeable child at all and I am struggling to bond with him. I am just going through the motions and pretending to him that I love him but I don’t. I dont like him. He’s clean, fed, played with and included in our family life but I feel this is a massive mistake.

I have an older child, who I utterly adore. He is also adopted and I have a strong bond with him. He’s funny, sweet, kind, loving, cheeky and I would do anything for him.

The newly placed child is very different. He has been aggressive towards my eldest and is always hurting him, to the point that I can’t leave them alone for a few minutes because I can trust that he won’t attack my son. He whines, he hits, he lies, he has temper tantrums and I am exhausted.

He has spend most of his life in foster care, so has had minimal contact with his biological family, but I am fully aware his last will affect who he is and what has happened to him.

I thought It would be nice for my eldest to have a sibling to play with and have fun with.

Any advice at all would be very appreciated. Has anyone else felt like this and if you have, how long did it last and what helped.

I don’t want the adoption to disrupt, but I’m so scared I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

@Adoptionmum64, my placement disrupted last year. Whilst I hope with all my heart yours does not, it does happen.

A few weeks ago, someone on here mentioned a book about an adoption which disrupts but the link was quickly removed perhaps because it was seen to be an advertisement? Anyway, I am an adoptive Mum of two and although our situation is challenging we’re not at the point of disrupting. I did however download the book and found it useful and it made me feel empowered when fighting for what our children need. If anyone would like a copy, pm me. Topcat, I think you might find it helpful.

Birth mum of 3, adopted mum of 2 and foster mum to many here.

Social Services are not always upfront with the baggage some children come with. I adopted my two via fostering them for 4 and 5 years respectively. They were both put forward for adoption but, sadly, adopters were not found.

I have fostered many children (I won’t say how many). Most come with behavioural difficulties. Most are manageable, after being shown love, kindness, fairness, rules and boundaries. Most thrive within a family unit.

There are children who have been irreparably damaged by their consistent, negative (and often horrific) experiences with birth parents that they will never be able to live within a “normal” family. Sad but true.

I have experienced two children who will never fit into “normal” family life. One was aged 5. I will never forgive Social Services for placing the child within my family, as an emergency placement. The child displayed totally unacceptable, cruel, off the wall behaviour from the word go. I battled with SS. Child went on to sexually abuse my 4 year old foster child. I made an official complaint against SS. It turns out they knew the child had experienced horrific sexual abuse. They didn’t disclose this info because “They wouldn’t have found a foster placement as all their placements had other children either placed, or their own children” 🤬

Another child arrived at 6 years old. Child was placed with two under 10 year old own children and an under 2 year old foster child. This child caused absolute chaos! Child couldn’t make friends, was excluded from school, within weeks of being placed, my family members, who had undergone rigorous SS assessment to care for our foster children in a babysitting role (who had always been happy to babysit for us for a rare night out) refused to babysit following their first experience, child caused mayhem on holiday, me and dh couldn’t have a conversation at home without child having a tantrum, children at home were absolutely petrified of child. Our, usually docile, very much loved, 10 year old dog was banished to the utility room for his own safety. It took SS 4 years! Yes, 4 years! to move child.

I don’t know what happened to the child after - but I found out at disruption meeting that child had an horrendous start to life 😥 Child had Reactive Attachment Disorder (look it up). As much as we would all love to take in a child, give them the best life and strive toward a happy ending, sometimes this is not possible.

OP don’t beat yourself up. Adoption breakdowns are not unheard of.

[quote topcat2014]@Adoptionmum64, my placement disrupted last year. Whilst I hope with all my heart yours does not, it does happen. [/quote]
I’m so sorry to hear this. Massive hugs. I know it’s not a decision you have taken lightly xx

@FlorenceandPaul
That sounds so hard 😢 It’s awful social services didn’t disclose this important information to you, especially when you had other children at home.

I understand that some children find a normal family difficult due to things that have happened to them and I really try to be sympathetic but I also need to make sure my eldest child is not hurt by this either.

I feel like I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post or send me a message. It’s very much appreciated x hugs to you all x

How has things been going the last few days?

I feel like I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place

I know that feeling very well. Have you asked the LA/Agency for support?

Sometimes love is not enough. I don’t mean that in a mean way. I totally appreciate what you are going through. Things sound very tough for you, as a family. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t the child’s fault. You need support if this adoption is going to be successful. Don’t be afraid to ask for it 💐

@Adoptionmum64 this has always been a place of no judgment (the Mumsnet adoption boards, not mumsnet in general!) and I just wanted to say we are here to listen and we will totally support your decision whatever it is. I just wish you peace with however things go.

Some very wise people are posting on here, I must admit I usually have loads of answers! But none really for you except to do whatever is right and access as much support as you can however things go.

@121sarah121 would you be able to describe what professional input you have had and when to help your family since your ds was placed? Also did the violence towards animals start immediately?

Also @Jellycatspyjamas the same thing in relation to what professional help you have had and when?

Just to give OP and others an idea of what they are looking at?

Professional help? One session of theraplay. After asking for it for 18 months... referral to cahms (after waiting over a year) to be told he is not eligible for it as he is adopted rather than in foster care. It’s been a nightmare accessing support. Full of empty promises. And professionals who only see his mask. (He presents exceptionally well to others from a place of absolute terror).

His Sw (who still visits due to a very complicated legal process) finally saw sense when my dog went to bite him because my son approached me when the dog was beside me. I was apologetic but she realised at that point things were bad when the dog was trying to protect me (and himself) from a Young child.

The violence towards the dog started gradually as a result of me protecting my daughter and myself. I can’t physically hurt you? So I’ll hurt what matters to you. I have had to lock the dog outside and send my daughter to a neighbour to keep them safe so I can keep them safe (and also my son safe as he harms himself). He is not yet at school.

Trauma behaviour is the most challenging behaviour I’ve ever dealt with. It’s so deep rooted and when he has dysregulated, it can take up to 2 hours for him to become regulated again. We (my son and I) have become more aware of his triggers and warning signs so it is less often (it was 3 times a day on average f or about a year). He is also feeling more safe.

I committed to him early on because I have another child. If I didn’t have her, I don’t know if I would have disrupted. I worry all the time about our future as a family. I hope our love (and therapeutic parenting) is enough but I don’t know if it will be.

121Sarah121 that's so very hard.

I'm so sorry you have had so little help.

We had Theraplay, which was very helpful but we were not dealing with anything like the things you or the OP describe.

www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/4-year-old-aggressive-with-parents-and-dog

@121Sarah121 @Adoptionmum64 the above article is worth reading - not so much to make anything conclusive but because it contains a lot of relevant related information. It describes "normal", which can be managed by the parent, and also refers to how these behaviours might not be within "normal" - in those cases more help is needed. The author Laura Markham is a clinical psychologist specialising in child psychology and so she knows what she is talking about, and she writes in a very user friendly way.

The below is another article and I don't know what the credentials of the author are, but I have attached because it points out that years 1 - 6 children are experimenting, lack cognitive ability to understand the "wrongness" of harming animals fully - but again there are caveats about this, it is a general idea and does not mean that you are or are not looking at a child who has an attachment disorder necessarily. But I found this interesting because it makes it clear that teaching a child of this age social rules makes all the difference - and it brought to mind what the foster carer said to OP The FC found the behaviour normal and said it was just boys being boys
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-equation/201104/children-who-are-cruel-animals-when-worry

so it might be that this behaviour wasn't corrected - and it could now be. This isn't necessarily the case, and I do think that expert assessment is needed (by a psych not a SW) but certainly most parents i know would have actively taught their dc (boys and girls!) to not be cruel to animals and kept with that message every time it happened. The talking about death is an indication that he is stressed and fearful,I think.

@florenceandpaul has referred to a really difficult sad situation and much of her advice is right, but I don't think that it is right that some children will never be able to cope with a normal family as no child - especially not one of 4 years - is considered beyond help. The problem is finding the right help.

There are some great children's programmes which engender an interest in and respect for animals incidentally. Not to suggest this will cure anything but alongside therapeutic work, things like Wild Kratts and Octonauts are great.

@121Sarah121 - I am sorry about your experiences. I found an old thread of yours, and was wondering whether to post on it. You say that your dc hasn't attached before, but I am guessing you can't know this for sure, is that right, he hasn't been assessed (a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist would be needed to diagnose an attachment disorder) and the information via SW wasn't reliable?

@sassygromit thank you for sharing the article. I read it with interest.

My son wasn’t taken into care until 2 years old and had no attachment to birth mum. This has been documented through Sw notes. He then had 3 moves in fc in 6 months and then was starting to form an attachment to last fc before moving to our family. We’ve had our son in our care for longest. He is developing a secure attachment to us. It’s a really sad story but no means unique.

I have not had my son formally assessed.

The aggression is not as much as before and lockdown has helped him feel safe but i worry about school

He has had a terribly difficult start to life, poor thing, it is difficult to understand why it was thought he would be suitable for a family with an existing child with that history. Was it a SW who assessed attachment to bio mother? It is bizarre that all this info come out after it had been concealed. Please don't provide any info if you don't want to/inappropriate.

With serious attachment issues the earlier the intervention the better - ie now before school starts - there is that Beacon House video about healing brainstem, using sensory work I think, there is expertise out there. Would you consider paying for some help privately?

My son wasn’t taken into care until 2 years old and had no attachment to birth mum

I’d be interested in what the SW mean by “no attachment to mum”, I suspect they mean he no apparent relationship with birth mum, which is different to his attachment style. Children are built for attachment, it’s how they try to get their needs met, when those needs aren’t met, are neglected or met with abuse, the child tries to adjust and tries to adjust leading to an insecure attachment style, if parents are chaotic and dangerous, the child may develop a disorganised attachment style (very rare, I think current research suggest around 5% of adults have a disorganised attachment style).

A better understanding of his attachment style will possibly help you understand his behaviours better - and help you know what might trigger his attachment seeking behaviours (which are likely to be dysregulated and dysfunctional compared to securely attached children).

When people (psychologists, social workers etc) talk about a child not having an attachment to their carer they generally mean they don’t have a secure attachment pattern, which is quite different to having no attachment pattern. I’d also respectfully suggest that many social workers don’t have a good enough understanding of attachment theory and aren’t in a position to assess or comment on attachment in children - that’s a pretty complex assessment usually undertaken by psychologists with specialist training. Some social workers might have such training, but most won’t.

Long story short I’d disregard what the SW said about attachment to mum.

This is a serious of videos with Dan Siegel explaining what jellycat has said in detail which are really good, if you haven't seen them.

I agree with what has been said about not relying on assessment by the SW as it isn't within their expertise, but the information which you have which you won't be able to go into here because of confidentiality would give a psych insights and information which they might together with assessments be able to use effectively to help you. Where you get very serious attachment problems which can lead to severe behavioural problems when the child is older, it is where the child has not had adequate attachment experiences in the first year or two - if for example the mother has been severely depressed and not had any eye contact or the child has been left in a cot on their own hour after hour - the Romanian orphans spring to mind. If you are talking about this level of attachment problem you do need expert input as quickly as possible, I think.

the Romanian orphans spring to mind.

Just to set your mind at rest, because that can sound very scary, the very extreme levels of neglect experienced by the survivors of those Romanian orphans is way in the extreme. That level of neglect is pretty much unheard of in the U.K. simply because part of the issue in those places was the institutional nature of care where workers were distant and affection and stimulation non-existent. In 30 years of child protection social work, in some of the most deprived communities in the U.K. I’ve not seen that level of systematic, institutional neglect.

That’s not to say you have no cause for concern, and professional support can help enormously, but I know I would be alarmed to read:-

Where you get very serious attachment problems which can lead to severe behavioural problems when the child is older, it is where the child has not had adequate attachment experiences in the first year or two

Given the vast majority of children in care haven’t had adequate attachment experience in their first two years. There’s a wide chasm between the majority of children in care in the U.K. and the experience of being housed in a Romanian orphanage.

Do some reading, I always think Dan Hughes is a very accessible read in terms of early trauma and parenting - talk to your health visitor about your concerns, they will have a good idea of the breadth of development at your wee ones age and consider more specialist support if you think it might help. I’d start with something like Theraplay which some folk consider lightweight but actually starts building connection and relationship between you and your wee one - there are some theraplay games online which you could include your older child in if appropriate.

You do have time here - early help certainly can help, but do consider how early you all are in this placement (and whether you want to continue with it) before launching into extensive therapy. Most specialists will want to see a period of adjustment after such a significant change, so don’t feel rushed into anything.

The thing I found most helpful in the early days was my own therapy, to give me somewhere to thrash out my own stuff which in turn gave me space to think about what my family needed. If you aren’t seeing someone, that’s actually the first thing I’d put in place, which will help you with the rest.

I apologise if I have missed some of your points.

The “no attachment to his birth mum” is my clumsy language. I understand there are differing attachment styles. I do not know the extent to his neglect but some patterns of his behaviour is/was concerning. Doesn’t respond to pain, doesn’t know when his clothes are wet or he wets himself, showed little emotions, didn’t call out, doesn’t seek adults out, fiercely independent etc.

I don’t think Sw set out to mislead us, I think she was young and didn’t understand his needs. Before placement with us (almost 2 years ago), he didnt show emotion and was compliant. As he has felt more safe, he has displayed violent behaviours. I understand the theory but in practice, it’s hard. I wish I was the perfect parent and I believe he needs more than us but losing us now what be so detrimental so his well-being.

I was getting counselling but that’s stopped. My husband is working from home so he is now there to support me in a way he wasn’t. Things are good for us right now.

@121Sarah121 I’m so sorry, for some reason I got you confused with the OP so some of my comments are more appropriate for her - I know you’ve been on this road a while now.

I know what you mean though, understanding that some behaviour comes from a place of terror and trauma doesn’t make it easier to deal with in the moment. Your little one most likely does need more than you in terms of professional support, but you don’t need me to tell you that. How long before he starts school?

I’m glad things are good with you just now, testament to your hard work more than anything I imagine.

My son starts school in the new term. Wish us luck!

I have good understanding of my son and his needs even if I don’t have the right language. His needs are constantly evolving and we are constantly having to adapt how we care for him which is very tricky.

The other day he tripped and hurt his knee. I scooped him up and comforted him, and he cuddled into my shoulder. Then he bit me. Right through my clothing and broke the skin. Without thinking, I yelled and put him down. I know he bit me because he was frightened of intimacy and/or struggles to show affection (he does bite when he feels love) but doesn’t help me over ride my response to pain.

In terms of professional help, it isn’t forth coming because I’m doing “good enough”. There is so much need and my son is making astounding progress that we aren’t high priority. Also, he doesn’t display his behaviour with others so it is rarely seen. Although, I am finding this changing and he is feeling safe enough with me that he doesn’t just do it in the safety of our home/or when there is no one about. Which means people around us or shocked when they see his behaviour. I hope this means that in time, we will get the support as people don’t think I’m exaggerating.

@Adoptionmum64 I hope you don’t feel like I’ve taken over your thread with my moaning. How are things going?

@121Sarah121 I have read your comments on this and other threads and honestly if you can afford it I really would get some input, for eg a psychologist who can come in and watch interactions and dynamics at home. It is obvious that you have done a great job with your birth child and will do with your ac, but it is also seems to me (and i haven't confused you with the OP) that there are behaviours there which are confusing you and there are inconsistencies and that there is also some confusion in what you say about therapeutic parenting. There is a lot of swinging from "everything is fine now it is working for us" to describing some extreme behaviours. For example, how you described the encounter with your dog above is really not ideal, if that happened in our house I really would assume I needed external help. The right input now will put you and your ds on the right track.

To respond to what you said - will love and therapeutic parenting be enough - I would say love and connection are fundamentals, but in relation to the adoption version of therapeutic parenting it is worth having a good comprehensive look at the research and advice covered by people like Laura Markham and this website (ahaparenting) - there are whole sections applying to 4/5 year olds for example as well as blog entries and responses to parents' queries.

So far as I can work out, the adoption version of "therapeutic parenting" draws on some research based theories, ie those set out by Laura Markham, but applies them in a broad brush way - and so in my opinion this is too narrow, and sometimes won't work and sometimes may harm.

Obviously these are just my opinions, based on my experiences and reading and discussions with professionals. Incidentally, other adopters who have had significant input from a number of professionals are very adept at getting the help, so you could also start a new thread about how people have done it if you didn't want to go privately.

Your ds sounds like he has been through a lot, and you seem very sorted about how you want your family to be, how open you are sounds great, it has great potential for happiness.

I know he bit me because he was frightened of intimacy and/or struggles to show affection (he does bite when he feels love) but doesn’t help me over ride my response to pain.

Oh god, I know - I felt bad about my daughter seeing me upset after hurting me (a similar situation to yours) but actually on reflection I think it’s no bad thing, they need to know we hurt too, and that we can react without being violent or shaming, but that it’s still sore and we might not want to be with them in that instant. We’re literally rewiring their understanding of relationships including the sore hurt bits.

Do you have a sense of how school will be - have they got an understanding of his needs?

@sassygromit I’d agree. Being a parent is hard and confusing to begin with. Add in trauma and attachment then it’s a minefield. Who knows if what I do is right?

I use this place as a way of connecting with others, sharing ideas and experiences and working out my own thoughts. I am very all over the place. But my head is. Adopting is by far the hardest thing I’ve done and it has surely tested me to my limits.
But things are better. He is happy and plays like any other kid. No way would I have thought that when writing in February.

@Jellycatspyjamas you sound like my social worker. She says it’s ok to respond like any other person would. Because no matter what happens, how much he hurts me (physically, emotionally, whatever) I will always come back to him. I’ll always be there and that’s important.

The worries I have about school relate to understanding trauma, helping him self-regulate and most importantly, trusting they will phone me if he needs me. Sometimes he will scream and shout “mum I need you, mum where are you? Mum mum mum” if he is struggling with his emotions and needs me to regulate with him. I worry that the school won’t recognise that he is struggling to regulate and he will become violent or completely withdrawn and shut down. That he shouts for me and I will not come because I do not know. The thought that he might be feeling complete abandonment and I won’t be there until the end of the day. These were not fears I had when he started nursery or when my daughter started school but I feel are justified due to where we are at as a family, lockdown and school response previously. His teacher is lovely and if anyone can give him a great start to school, she can.