Feeling sad and lonely

[poppet31]

We are 10 weeks in to placement with our beautiful 2 and a half year old son. We have had a really rough time (apologies I am not sure how to link to thread but it's the 'early days of placement - really struggling' one.) I feel like we're starting to get somewhere and although life is still very difficult at times, we are making progress.

I feel like in the last few weeks, I've really bonded with little one and am starting to develop feelings for him now. The problem is, DH hasn't and is very depressed. He was depressed before little one came home - we had a very difficult journey to approval and I think he was just 'done' with it all and would have probably given up on adoption completely had I not wanted to continue. I suppose I thought once introductions were over and we started to settle in to family life, he would feel differently. Instead he says he doesn't like our son and resents him for making his life poorer in every way. To anyone looking in, he is a fantastic dad and little one adores him, but he says it's all an act and he dreads the weekends, when he is around more.

He has had some counselling but it's not really helped and freely admits he is depressed but refuses to go to the dr as he thinks it's pointless as they'll just offer him anti depressants which he doesn't want to take. He's so difficult to be around. Irritable, joyless and so so negative about everything. I miss my husband but i want to make this work for all of us.

How can I help him and can this get better? I'm scared for our future because I think he genuinely hates his life at the moment and I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. I've had some fantastic support on this forum in the past and appreciate this community so much as I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.

So pleased to hear you are getting support and feeling slightly more positive. I am so sorry that your other thread was derailed, please know that the majority of people in this space understand how you are feeling and are here to support, not judge.

Excellent news @poppet31 what a win! Thinking of you X

Poppet I'm so glad it seems you are getting help.
Been thinking about you for these past few months. It's so hard being an adoptive parent sometimes.....the reality is so far from the picture that's given us.
Sending you strength and virtual hugs xx

I’m glad to hear there’s been a positive step forward.

It’s shit that things have to get to crisis point before help is offered, but sounds like baby steps in the right direction

How are you doing today @poppet31?

I am doing a little better thanks. We've had an okay ish couple of days. Yesterday was actually pretty good and we had very few meltdowns from little one and a much easier bedtime. He actually let me put his pyjamas on which is normally a massive fight. Today he has seemed a lot more anxious. We went to Bookbug at our local library and as soon as the music started he just freaked out and clawed at my face so we had to leave. Nursery drop off wasn't great today either. He slapped his teacher and pulled her hair when I was leaving him. The first time he has shown aggression towards anyone other than me or DH so not great really. On the plus side, our social worker has been in touch to say that he is having a MIM(?) assessment next week. They also have an OT visiting him at nursery and he has an appointment with the paediatrician in a few weeks, so hopefully support will be forthcoming. We are increasing nursery from 2 afternoons a week to 4 from the week after next. I honestly don't know if that's the right thing but I think it's worth trying. DH has been back at dr and started some new medication and he seems in a better state of mind too, although still fragile. I think we're both feeling a little more positive although still just trying to survive each day. Thank you to everyone for their continued support. It means so much.

Really well done, I'm so glad there have been positive moments and that the SWs are (finally) doing something concrete to get assessments and support underway. Maybe not the worst thing that he's showing his feelings at nursery, as there's an assessment coming up in that setting? I hope you have a peaceful night, and that tomorrow is manageable.

That’s good to hear poppet so many of us thinking of you, hope it helps in some small way that we understand the ups and downs of the whole situation especially the emotional toll, you can’t do anymore than you are doing best wishes to you and your family.

The increased nursery might be a good thing. DS didn’t really settle until he went up to 3 afternoons a week.

One day at a time Poppet

I'm so sorry for you the way the other thread went. You're doing so well, one day (or minute) at a time.

The Mim assessment is presunably this?

www.theraplay.org/the-mim-assessment

Hello poppet

It’s good to read that things are a little more positive with you, and that sw are supporting you better.

I found that increasing the number of nursery afternoons made things a little easier, in that every day had the same routine. And I got a chance to rest, or find online or phone support.

One thing that might help, was to show as little reaction as possible to violence. It was, and still is difficult, but it seems to avoid adding fuel to the fury.

Wishing you all well

Hi poppet, I’m so glad your DH has got some help. I hope some of what’s being put in place works. Echoing what others have said, don’t feel you need to tell us everything but know that you can come here for a hand hold.

(That other thread was shocking - people are awful.)

💐

Good news. Thinking of you. Xxxx

We are increasing nursery from 2 afternoons a week to 4 from the week after next. I honestly don't know if that's the right thing but I think it's worth trying

At this moment in time anything that gives you some time to catch your breath a bit is a good thing. Use the space for you - to rest and relax - rather than using the time to do housework, support your husband or anything else. Having time to build your own reserves a bit will honestly help you give your child and partner what they need.

First rule of flying - put your own oxygen mask on first!

I know I am boring but I 100% agree with jellycatspyjamas.

How are things going @poppet31

know I am boring but I 100% agree with jellycatspyjamas

You’re not remotely boring 😁

Hope you are well @poppet31. Been thinking of you and your family

Thank you. We are surviving. We have our MIM assessment today and little one is seeing occupational therapist next week. He also starts his increased nursery hours next week. Hopefully all of this will help to some degree. We are seeing an increasing amount of sensory seeking behaviour such as hand flapping, tongue clicking etc. His speech therapist said yesterday it could all be due to a developmental leap, as his language is really coming on. But hopefully the OT might be able to help with (or rule out?) any sensory type issues. I've spent a lot of time the past few days doing theraplay at home and I think this is helping, as we have seen less aggression this week. It's so up and down and we are all exhausted but we do at least feel like we're being a bit more supported now.

Glad you feel supported and they are putting things in place. Being a parent especially in the early days is exhausting. X

@poppet31 I am so glad to hear that things are better.

I've been having some play therapy with my son and it has been very good.

Good to hear @poppet31 little steps = big leaps. Celebrate the victories, you are clearly doing all the right things, never doubt yourself, you sound really knowledgeable, committed and determined. Please use the extra hours at nursery for some ‘you’ time though (whatever form that may take). This will pass, there will be other challenges, but this period will pass, soon you will be able to catch your breath.

I’m glad to hear you feel more supported. Unfortunately, it’s often only when we reach crisis that people sit up and listen for our cries for help.

I echo everyone else. Use the time he is in nursery for you in whatever form it takes. You need to recharge. Being a parent is exhausting but being a parent to an adoptive child is more so.

It also helps to talk. Have you anyone who you can meet for a coffee who has also adopted? Sometimes to share stories feels less isolating (I found the hardest part was being at home all day with a traumatised toddler when my husband was at work).

Look after yourselves. This is hard but you are doing great. Asking for help is the first step and hopefully with the right support things become easier and more manageable for all of you

@poppet31 Thinking of you.