Feeling sad and lonely

[poppet31]

We are 10 weeks in to placement with our beautiful 2 and a half year old son. We have had a really rough time (apologies I am not sure how to link to thread but it's the 'early days of placement - really struggling' one.) I feel like we're starting to get somewhere and although life is still very difficult at times, we are making progress.

I feel like in the last few weeks, I've really bonded with little one and am starting to develop feelings for him now. The problem is, DH hasn't and is very depressed. He was depressed before little one came home - we had a very difficult journey to approval and I think he was just 'done' with it all and would have probably given up on adoption completely had I not wanted to continue. I suppose I thought once introductions were over and we started to settle in to family life, he would feel differently. Instead he says he doesn't like our son and resents him for making his life poorer in every way. To anyone looking in, he is a fantastic dad and little one adores him, but he says it's all an act and he dreads the weekends, when he is around more.

He has had some counselling but it's not really helped and freely admits he is depressed but refuses to go to the dr as he thinks it's pointless as they'll just offer him anti depressants which he doesn't want to take. He's so difficult to be around. Irritable, joyless and so so negative about everything. I miss my husband but i want to make this work for all of us.

How can I help him and can this get better? I'm scared for our future because I think he genuinely hates his life at the moment and I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. I've had some fantastic support on this forum in the past and appreciate this community so much as I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.

Hi @poppet31 sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worse. Even if your DH depression is situational he needs to get some help.

It’s hard to watch someone you love in so much pain, but if it carries on or escalates further it’s going to have an impact on your DC. Deep down he knows that through training.

I agree with PP that it might be useful to see if there’s a trusted friend or family member that he can stay with for a few days, hopefully he can get enough breathing space to see that he needs help. If he really won’t accept it you might have some hard decisions ahead, so some space and time would likely be good for you too.

You also need to think in very practical terms, what would happen if your SW or LO SW decide to pop in and see him with a beaten up face?

@poppet31I have brought up your old thread to comment on to try and get away from your recent post that ended up open to the whole of MN. Let’s hope MN can sort the adoption boards out to keep it a fairly safe closed group.

Anyway I really hope today’s meeting brings some support and clarity to the situation. I know lots have reached out to you by PM. As I said in my post last night please you should not feel shame if you do choose to end this. You will definitely feel grief but if you decide you and your DH can not do this and it is best for the LO long term than that is ok! My lo’s who came to us after an adoption disruption have survived it. Yes it was another move in the system, it was another loss for them but for now the disruption appears to be the least of the issues that effect them.

If you want to keep posting for support use this thread or start another one to get away from yesterday’s unhelpful (in parts thread)!

Those that understand are here when you need us ignore the others, it’s just pure ignorance on their part and there are plenty of idiots out there that think they know it all, they don’t have a clue how bad it is for you right now. You are being brave just asking for help and admitting how bad it has got for you. Thinking of you today

Thanks everyone. I'll get back to you all when I can x

Thinking of you today poppet. We are here to support you.

I hope you and your son had an okay night. I’ve been thinking of you. He sounds a lot like my son who was 3 when he joined my family and absolutely nothing like my birth daughter. I have never been so low in the past year. After he trashed the house one day I walked out (when parents arrived). I just didn’t want to even be around him. I sat in my car and cried. I have cried so much tears over the past year but my sons behaviour has improved greatly. I still worry about what the future holds for us and would never recommend adoption. I think of I knew how difficult it would be I doubt I would have done it.

I echo that he is building an attachment to you. My son is the sweetest most charming little guy until it is just me and him. He is rarely even violent when my husband is about. He has a strong attachment to me and I’m his safe person. When things are too much for him I get all the bad stuff. It’s hard, hardest thing I’ve ever done.

In terms of your husband’s mental health, I hope the night away has given him a bit of breathing space.
Although I’ve never been suicidal, I can understand him getting to that point. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know if he can continue like this, seeing his wife be attacked by this little guy several times a day. That’s hard to watch. He doesn’t want to be the one to disrupt. I suppose becoming parents has been a difficult journey for you both. He is in an impossible position and doesn’t know which way to turn

Thinking of you and hope you’ve had a time to think about what’s next for you and your family.

I hope the meeting today goes well. Take care

Thanks Sarah. Had an okay night but having a horrific day so far. Everything feels like a fight. We play nicely with a game for 5mins and then just out of nowhere he will trash it and throw pieces around/at me/hit me. We have a theraplay session soon so I'm hoping that will calm him down. He seems so angry today and just won't stop clenching his teeth, screaming in high pitched voice, hitting himself in the face. I would love to show videos to any of the people who think this is normal behaviour for a 2 year old.

I think you're right to walk away from the other thread. The sheer intensity of trauma related behaviour is something that is almost impossible to understand without experiencing it.

The only thing I can offer is to stop thinking (if you are thinking this!) that there is something you can do to stop his self-harm, if only you could somehow get it 'right'.

Once I realised that I could not 'fix' my DDs, it got easier. Obviously it is still a horrible situation to live through, but none of this is because of anything you are or are not doing. It is very difficult to accept a child hurting themselves, we want to keep them safe and comfortable. Detaching and accepting that this is what they do feels like 'bad' parenting. But you need to find a way of stepping back from the intensity of his feelings, because it is being destructive to you and your ability to cope - secondary trauma in APs is all too common.

Hi, haven’t posted before but I’m birth mum to three and have two adopted children. Firstly, I wanted to say how much I feel for you and the impossible situation you are in.

You are right, that is not ‘normal’ behaviour for a two year old. People who haven’t experienced a child suffering from trauma just can’t understand how difficult it is. You are trying to give out love, but are blocked at every attempt. My now four yr old son lived with his birth mum for the first eighteen months and we experience the effects of the trauma he has suffered every day. My son is very withdrawn and has multiple delays. He isn’t violent towards me (thankfully) but is terrified of the world. He has improved since he came, but we are still very much living with the effects of his early life and I feel like we always will.

No advice really, just recognition that you are in an impossible situation and that there are lots of people rooting for you xx

OP, the behaviour of your LO is his way of communicating how he is feeling - a normal 2 year old would also behave like that if they were extremely angry and distressed is another way of looking at it. It does not sound as though it is just to do with past trauma - however, it is difficult to be very certain about what is going on as your posts vary, sometimes positive sometimes not. I think that if you want to continue you need urgent professional input with how you are understanding your child and the situation with your DH. Although you have said that your DH is not displaying extreme behaviours in front of your LO, your LO will be aware of things and it will be impacting on his behaviour, I am fairly sure, and a suitable professional who has been given the full picture would be able to advise better. I might be written off as one of the "idiots" but I am concerned about the welfare of your LO in this situation, based on what you have written.

He sounds a lot like my son. He absolutely hated me to begin with. Transition was terrible too and I don’t think it was explained to him. He was taken to a place he had never been with people he didn’t know and he hated it for it. The rage and anger and grief is unfathomable for someone who hasn’t been there. I remember my mum coming in with my husband one day to him having a period of dysregulation (because that’s what it is, it’s not a tantrum. He had those too!!) and couldn’t believe what she saw. He had wrecked the place and screaming as I held him. Do you do safe holding? My son loved to be rocked in the early days and if I could do it without him pulling my hair or kicking me It would calm him. Have you tried that? Have you been shown how to hold him? I know that sounds silly because I’m sure you have but it might be worth a go.

A turning point for us came was when my social worker told me that him hitting me is more damaging than you’d think. How can you keep him safe if you can’t keep yourself safe from him? I bought an extra large baby gate and put it on his bedroom and when he started hitting etc he was put in there and I would stand outside in the hall. It meant I was still there but he couldn’t hurt me. What do you do when he dysregulates? It broke my heart doing it but it kept us both safe. I still have it in place but he has pulled it off so many times it has broken... but it helped me gain control. I took it away a few months back but the violence increased again. I think it’s psychological. He doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m his safe person. Have you read Bowlbys stuff on attachment and containment? It helped me understand a little what was going on and why it’s always me...

I guess I’m blethering rubbish but I want you to know I know what your going through and happy to talk. It helps to reach out especially if you don’t have friends who have adopted. I know no one believed me when I spoke about my son. It can be so isolating

Sassy gromit im pretty sure POPPET31 is very well informed regarding why her LO is behaving this way, but no matter how many books you read on trauma attachment and therapeutic parenting NOTHING prepares you for the reality of living with it,being hit, punched, day in day out.
The intensity that many adopted kids display these behaviours is totally off the scale compared to securely attached birth children.
And i think from her previous posts she's fully aware she needs support and professional input.
That's what she's been asking for. Like most so called post adoption support, it's scarce and not exactly forthcoming

OP I've read your threads and didn't just want to read and run. I adopted around a year ago. ITO our child herself we've had a somewhat easier journey (so far!) However there's been a lot going on in our personal and adoption journey beyond our control which has nearly tipped my DH and I to breaking point on several occasions and on occasions we've semi-seriously talked of splitting. I think the key is the same as in any obstacle in a relationship.... communication communication communication. I'm the overemotional one in the relationship for sure and sometimes I need him to reign me in and put things into perspective. On the other hand sometimes I need to remind my DH how some things can make me feel and how small things he might do or not do might be what tips me over the edge. Together we work through things. We're still having our wobbles but we have found ways to support each other and work it out together because what we ultimately and desperately want is to do have a happy family life with this amazing little girl that we have been blessed with. Your husband needs support for sure and sorry if I sound harsh but whatever he's going through he needs to work with you a little to find a solution here. He's allowed to be sick and be finding this hard, of course he is, but he's responsible for a defenseless child now and part of that responsibility includes looking after yourself. You may need to kick him up the backside a bit and tell him this. Like other posters have said if he doesn't then this decision may be taken out of your hands if SW's don't feel that you have control of the situation and are not seeking help. Witnessing self harm to this degree (and he IS witnessing it whether you think he is or not) is surely as upsetting and confusing to a child as witnessing DV. Please try and encourage your husband to be honest and seek help and then try and see if there are any practical provisions you could put in place to help him deal with his emotions. It's tough but remember that your little boy is the one who's completely defenseless and devoid of any choice in this. Try and do what's in HIS best interests whatever you do. Big hugs. Every day is a new day and I really hope you don't disrupt and that you can work through this and be a happy family as I'm sure you're all desperate for xxxx

@poppet31 good to see back here. I know you have left the other thread but can I suggest you ask to have it deleted. It's in no ones interest to leave it there

@poppet31 my eldest found art therapy very helpful. Our therapist explained that, as they are so young and their trauma dates from them being pre-verbal (especially when they also have delayed speech too) then 'talk therapy' is just no good. Art therapy was definitely very useful for us.
I'm sorry today is a bad day. Plus when you are stressed, or he is picking up on your stress, just the change in routine if DH is staying with parents etc...... it just makes it harder and harder.
I'd definitely try and get some of his behaviours on video if/when it is safe to do so to share with social services. Also if you can think of any trigger(s) to his behaviours - my eldest really struggled a LOT with change and transition eg windows being opened if they had been shut for weeks due to cold weather, sensory stuff like seams, being held (and no, she is not autistic, these were all trauma related behaviours as she had attachment disorder). She nearly kicked her way out of my car once as a toddler despite being strapped into her 5-point harness - I was so scared trying to find somewhere safe to stop the car! She was 4 at the time. Once I stopped the car, I videoed her - I was so tired of people telling me 'my child does that too' ... only after they saw the video did I stop hearing that comment.
My eldest came to me at less than 1 year old. She had the worst attachment problems. Nobody outside of the adoption circle of fellow families and professionals ever believed me. They saw a happy, smiling child. I saw her parent shopping. They believed that because she came home so young there could be no long lasting problems. They believed that because that's a nice, easy, happy-ending thing to believe and then people don't need to think about hard stuff.
People who have not adopted a traumatized child don't understand. They can't understand. They often don't want to understand.
Sending you so many best wishes today.

Just coming onto this thread to let you know I'm still here too Poppet. Some frankly disgraceful, ignorant and shaming comments on the other thread. Only you know what you're going through and it was incredibly brave to reach out for support and share so much of your very personal trauma.

Thinking of you @poppet31

Hi Poppet, how are you doing? Loads of support for you here when you need it. I commented on your other thread to say I disrupted, I'm not saying for one second you should disrupt but just hoping by telling you that, you might feel less alone. Keep taking each day as they come and keep talking if it helps

Hi everyone. I'm doing okay. I will respond when I can and thank you so much to those who have sent me a private message. You have no idea how much your support is helping. I don't have time to do a proper reply just now as need to do bed and bath then going to spend some quality time with DH, but the headline is that meeting today was productive and hopefully we will have some support in place soon to allow us to continue to parent our much wanted son. Will fill you in properly when I have time.

That sounds hopeful @poppet31. Don't feel you have to give chapter and verse replies

Glad to hear you sounding a bit more positive, take care if yourself

@poppet31that's great news, lovely. I'm really happy for you. Hopefully the support will be swiftly put in place. Have a restful evening.

That’s good news @poppet31, hope you have as restful an evening as you can. Take care of yourself

Lovely update. You sound much more positive and I am pleased for you. I’ve been thinking about you all day and so glad you feel you have the support you need from Sw. Have a restful night, as much as you can. Cry as many tears as you need. It’s not easy. But most importantly hug your husband and tell him how much you need him. That’s been evident the whole time. He will probably need to hear that as much as you do right now.

You don't need to tell us the details, but glad that support is being offered. Great news.