Feeling sad and lonely

[poppet31]

We are 10 weeks in to placement with our beautiful 2 and a half year old son. We have had a really rough time (apologies I am not sure how to link to thread but it's the 'early days of placement - really struggling' one.) I feel like we're starting to get somewhere and although life is still very difficult at times, we are making progress.

I feel like in the last few weeks, I've really bonded with little one and am starting to develop feelings for him now. The problem is, DH hasn't and is very depressed. He was depressed before little one came home - we had a very difficult journey to approval and I think he was just 'done' with it all and would have probably given up on adoption completely had I not wanted to continue. I suppose I thought once introductions were over and we started to settle in to family life, he would feel differently. Instead he says he doesn't like our son and resents him for making his life poorer in every way. To anyone looking in, he is a fantastic dad and little one adores him, but he says it's all an act and he dreads the weekends, when he is around more.

He has had some counselling but it's not really helped and freely admits he is depressed but refuses to go to the dr as he thinks it's pointless as they'll just offer him anti depressants which he doesn't want to take. He's so difficult to be around. Irritable, joyless and so so negative about everything. I miss my husband but i want to make this work for all of us.

How can I help him and can this get better? I'm scared for our future because I think he genuinely hates his life at the moment and I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. I've had some fantastic support on this forum in the past and appreciate this community so much as I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.

Thank you we've had the best weekend we've had for a while. Very few meltdowns / disregulated behaviour from little one, and i think it's because we changed our strategy a little. We normally see family at the weekend but decided to try just us 3 to see if it made him feel any less stressed. We also tag teamed virtually all weekend, so DH took little one out on Sunday morning, then watched football upstairs in the afternoon while I played downstairs with him etc. That worked well as we both got a break, and little one just seems to cope better. He just really struggles having both of us around for too long. I'm not sure why, and although I wish we could have more family time, I think we need to keep doing it this way for a while.

That is wonderful news! It kind of makes sense though. My son came to us at 3 and had a huge fear of people (and still does a year and a half later. He just displays his anxiety differently.) it sounds like our boys are very similar. My son would often disregulate after we had a meeting with a professional (health visitor, social worker etc) or if we were planning on meeting friends or family. The thought of it was too much. I would get kicked and punched etc before leaving the house or after visitors leave. He was so scared of people. People let him down in the past/scared he would be moved again. I wonder if this is the same for your son. Also, if he had a fear of people keeping an eye on both you and your husband must also be very stressful for him. Just a thought....

I am also glad to hear you and your husband are getting time to rest. Being an adoptive parent is exhausting so it’s good to take a breather.

Wishing you all the best and keep talking. It’s good to share experiences. You are not alone

Me and my DH tag teamed like that for about the first year, and still do sometimes. Sometimes because we need a break from the kids, sometimes because the kids need a break from us - we would also keep weekends very small so if we saw family on Saturday we’d have a quiet day on Sunday.

Glad you had a calmer time of it - try not to think too much about family time and your idea of what it would be like, just do what works best for you all.

So pleased poppet we did virtual lock down for the first 6 months, it was just the three of us and occasionally visitors, so overwhelming when every face is an uncertainty to them. Even now over two years in we find it so much less stressful when it’s just us, we now holiday with family and spend days with friends but we always factor in our own time and space otherwise little one struggles it’s just to much at once for her. Having said that over the last year she has really changed and managed to calm herself down without as much help from us. Don’t feel pressure from family and friends if you think something isn’t going to be suitable for him say no, you have to come first at the moment

That’s lovely to hear @poppet31 Glad you’ve had a good weekend. In the early days I remember hanging on to the memories of the occasional good days to get through the tough ones. Thinking of you.

Xxxxxxxxx

That sounds really great. It is fantastic that doing things differently is bringing about a change in LO's behaviour, it really does sound so positive, this is what it is all about.

I hope so much it continues and you continue to get the help you need. Well done.

You are doing brilliantly.

Discovering that lots of people/too many people or even just you and dh together is unsettling little one is a good thing to know. It won't always be like this.

Building bridges etc happens a brick at a time. If you are trying to do the middle bit before the base it will crumble. You know what I mean.

Those times alone with little one for you and dh are the firm foundations.

The fun family together will follow, I believe.

My little one took some' time to warm up to dh. His birth father was not very present and was himself very needy.

Our son does cooking with dad now and loves it. Kite flying too. It took a while but him and dh are a lovely pair, but it took patience.

Poppet- great news!!! Well done for persevering. So pleased you are finding a way through xx

I am off to work for a keeping in touch day today and my goodness, the mum guilt is real. This will be the first time little one has been with dad alone for more than a couple of hours and I am nervous as to how it will go. But I think it will be good for us all and good for them to spend some quality time together. I told him I was going to the shop (he would be confused if I said I was going to work) and he said 'ham, mama.' So that's my shopping list!

Hand holding. Xxx