Feeling sad and lonely

[poppet31]

We are 10 weeks in to placement with our beautiful 2 and a half year old son. We have had a really rough time (apologies I am not sure how to link to thread but it's the 'early days of placement - really struggling' one.) I feel like we're starting to get somewhere and although life is still very difficult at times, we are making progress.

I feel like in the last few weeks, I've really bonded with little one and am starting to develop feelings for him now. The problem is, DH hasn't and is very depressed. He was depressed before little one came home - we had a very difficult journey to approval and I think he was just 'done' with it all and would have probably given up on adoption completely had I not wanted to continue. I suppose I thought once introductions were over and we started to settle in to family life, he would feel differently. Instead he says he doesn't like our son and resents him for making his life poorer in every way. To anyone looking in, he is a fantastic dad and little one adores him, but he says it's all an act and he dreads the weekends, when he is around more.

He has had some counselling but it's not really helped and freely admits he is depressed but refuses to go to the dr as he thinks it's pointless as they'll just offer him anti depressants which he doesn't want to take. He's so difficult to be around. Irritable, joyless and so so negative about everything. I miss my husband but i want to make this work for all of us.

How can I help him and can this get better? I'm scared for our future because I think he genuinely hates his life at the moment and I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. I've had some fantastic support on this forum in the past and appreciate this community so much as I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.

@poppet31 I am very sorry your husband feels so sad and has kind of put this sadness onto you, all be it unintentionally.

I have heard of post adoption depression in adoptive mums and because neither of you have biologically had the hormones etc that would contribute to post natal depression, I cannot see why your dh might not have post adoption depression just as an adoptive mum may have it.

Anti depressants may help him get over this hump or may, with appropriate talking therapy, enable your dh to get over this and be the dad he presumably has always wanted to be. Or the GP may not prescribe anti depressants at all, but help him work through this or point him in the direction of help.

I think (I am sorry to put this onto you) but you may need to use your skill to work out what will be the best approach for him. Could a good friend or family member help to get through to him, or would he be defensive?

Is there any way you can help him recapture the dream of being parents that you had at the start?

I am very sorry for you to be going through this. He really must seek help. If the adoption were to break down what would this do for your relationship together?

"I'm feeling pretty lonely right now." Please do look after yourself, can you access any counselling or post adoption support. I know it is shit but you must stay strong from your dh and your new son.

Does your area have an adoption buddy scheme where more experienced adopters could come along side you? IF such a scheme existed it may be mums and dads. Would another man be able to help support your dh or would this be awful for him?

I am so sorry to say this and I do not want you to say it to him but while I do have a lot of sympathy for him, I am actually rather angry with him.

This little boy has had no say at all in what has happened to him, he has lost his birth family and maybe a foster family too. Yet he is willing and able to trust you and your dh to be his new family.

Your husband, although he is depressed and I can imagine this is very very hard, is an adult who has chosen this path and should be doing everything he can to make this work.

I wonder if he has lost a sense of control?

If this is the case, what would give your dh a sense of control?

Would being able to look at photos and see things are actually getting better? See the journey you have been on.

Or imagining the future?

Talking to a friend?

It may be worth gently suggesting that other men (or women) may feel upset at the arrival of a new baby, other husbands may fear being pushed out etc, so this is not necessarily adoption related.

Bless you - it is so tough. Stay strong.

PS If you have considered all this, please ignore me.

XXXXX

God you’ve got a lot on your plate, I’m not surprised you feel lonely.

It’s a huge life change to introduce children into a home irrespective of how they arrive, it’s hard work, can feel quite drudgey and relentless and you’ve both had a hard ride. If he was depressed before it’s not unreasonable that he’ll feel worse after such a big change.

How has both your lives changed? Is he out at work, how do you spend your weekends - is it always family time or do you make sure you both have time out? What’s the evening routine like? Does he come in and take LO so you have a break, so you split the bath tone routine? Basically look at the new load you are both carrying and try to share things so that you both have time to yourself.

It may be time to have a really honest talk about what you both thought parenthood would be like, I know it’s not been as you expected, what about him? Have you had any time out together? We quickly build a ring of people who could babysit for us to make sure we got out and away from it all.

Counselling might help, medication might help but you need to look after yourself too - you might not be feeling too strong and that’s ok, but really draw on those supports you identified in the adoption process, be honest about the struggles with people who get it.

It’s hard going, because it’s a hard thing. I really feel for you - take good care of yourself.

@poppet31 how was today? Please do come back and talk if it helps. XXXX

Oh poppet, I’m so sorry to hear this.

Has he had depression before? Has he come out of it without ADs before? If it’s new, he needs to get help. If he’s had it before/often/always I guess he’s his own expert in how to handle it.

I’m no expert, but like Italian says I don’t see why he couldn’t get PAD too.

You’ve had a phenomenally hard 10 weeks on top of whatever else you went through to get here so it’s perhaps not surprising.

I second trying to find some other adopters near you though. My local crew keep me sane. Are you in touch with whoever did your prep group with you? Or does your agency run play dates or meet ups? Or are Adoption UK active near you?

My husband felt EXACTLY the same for a long time- I literally could have written your post a few months in.
The good news, now five years in, is that most days he now feels fine. He loves the boys, deeply cares about them and although it's been a hard road would say it's been worth it.
However, the bad news is that there are still some days where he finds it incredibly difficult and wondered why we adopted. But most days life is normal and happy and good.
Things that helped were making sure he had lots of time to do stuff on his own- football etc. Realising that biological parents also find their children hard work and difficult at times too and spending time together talking- letting him know it wasn't me and the children vs him.
Hope this helps.

OP, why is he against getting medication? I know a few adopters (my husband is one) who take anti depressants and it’s made a huge difference to lives.

My DH was very anti-going to the gp to begin with and we stuttered through about 6 months of spiralling downwards. Eventually he just knew he couldn’t keep going like that and got prescribed antidepressants. They’ve helped give us a level of “normal” back and meant we could tackle the other issues around us.
There is no shame in him needing to take medication to manage this period. I feel for you, it’s awful being the partner of someone who has just disappeared into a vacuum of despair. I hope he can get help soon.

Hope that things will improve @poppet31 to be honest I am a birth parent and adoptive parent and sometimes wonder what I did having kids! That sounds crass buy it's totally true. But I love kids unconditionally and good does outweigh the bad. Birth and adoptive parents can all feel overwhelmed.

He needs to get a grip and get to the doctors, I say this as someone who had post adoption depression. I had treatment. I felt physically sick when cuddling our daughter, it was all completely fake. My husband was a star, he did the majority of the caring and gently left me to care for her a little more each day. I remember the doctor telling me I could always send her back and the idea, even though I was so depressed, was terrible! Not because I loved her but because I wasn't going to let her down.

It took about 3months for me to begin to like her (even though she was so so lovely). It took 6months for me to quite like her. It took a year for me to realise I would die for her. We are 4years in now. She drives me potty but I am like any other parent.

There is hope but he does need to get to the doctors. Hang in there. I don't know how my husband did it but rest assured that if he is able to pretend to like her then there is hope

@poppet31 how are things going?

I'm sorry I never came back to update the thread. I thought things were getting better for us but they are just getting worse. Husband self harmed last week - repeatedly banged his head against a chair, giving himself a nose bleed and two black eyes. Promised me he'd go to dr and then changed his mind, saying they would only give him tablets, which he absolutely refuses to take as he says this is circumstantial and they won't help. Seemed to get better for a few days and then little one hit me today and that triggered him again, he's back in a deep depressing crying upstairs. He says he feels completely trapped as if the adoption broke down, he knows it would break up our marriage and he couldn't forgive himself. At the same time, he says he can't ask for help as they'll then take little one away. I have no idea what he wants but I don't know how we can go on living like this. I feel so desperately lonely.

Oh goodness Poppet. So sorry things are still so difficult.
Your dh needs to see the gp asap imo although easier said than done if he won't go. Is there any chance of putting all of this on the backburner for a couple of days over Christmas? You can't do anything else really at this stage really anyway so I would use the break to shelve all talk of how it is going and stop analysing it all. Rather just take it one day at a time and try to recharge a little.
Can anyone give you a break for a few hours to be alone ? Don't talk about things but just try to reconnect as a couple.
Even as I write this I know it sounds trite but I don't know what else to suggest.
How are you feeling about the placement now ? What do soc workers know about what I'd going on ? Can you access counselling to try and work through the issues.
It all sounds incredibly hard on you all. I really hope thongs improve but your husband may need professional support to achieve that. Sending a hug x

I am so sorry to read this. From the outside we know that asking for help does not equal having your child taken away - but I also know that depression tells a person terrible lies inside their head, and it's extremely difficult to overcome those without help.

Just re the "circumstantial" comment, I don't know if this example helps, but a goodly proportion of people who are bereaved do take anti-depressants for a time afterwards. They are grieving, which is caused by a traumatic event, and is a natural consequence. But sometimes they also need help to move through that, because it becomes too overwhelming (entirely understandably). There is more than one type of situation when tablets can help, and can be the right answer. But even if he doesn't want to take medication, the GP should be able to refer to talking therapies etc. The self-harm sounds very scary for you, and sounds like he himself is probably pretty scared too. www.getselfhelp.co.uk has a range of free resources if you think he might be willing to read a little, and maybe realise he is not alone in struggling? Maybe it could be a first step towards asking for help in person?

Do you have someone you can talk to in real life? It is extraordinarily tough to be the emotional support for absolutely everyone in the house, without a way of topping up your own care. What small nice thing can you do to be kind to yourself today, even if it is just taking your cup of tea outside into the garden for 2 minutes and breathing?

They won’t take the little one away if he asks for help - they are there to help, they know how hard early placement is and would be much much more concerned that he’s struggling and not seeking help.

His depression may well be circumstantial - and the circumstances are what they are. Medication can be very helpful even in situational/reactive depression because they create a bit of psychological space to cope with things and, as he adjusts to the new circumstances he can come off medication. I wonder if seeing the “nothing will help” as a symptom of the depression might help him access help.

In any event I’d be trying to have him go back to counselling - it isn’t a magic wand, cure all and he’ll need to really look at himself but it can really help. Also in your shoes I’d be speaking to social work simply because you need support in your own right and they can help with that. Be clear that you want support to continue with the placement (if that’s what you do want).

What are your plans for Christmas? The reality is there’s little to be done in the way of help before new year now so you need some strategies for keeping yourself on an even keel. Do you have anyone who knows what you’re dealing with who could help out and ease the pressure a bit?

I’m so sorry you’re trying to cope with all of this, and I wish there was some quick help for you. My mental health really took a hit in early placement, feel free to message me if I can offer any support.

I’m so sorry to hear this @poppet31 it sounds utterly exhausting and hugely stressful for all of you. Is there anyone who can be there for you? Because you need looking after too, you can’t deal with all of this on your own.

I remember in the early days feeling utterly overwhelmed and bereft, but being able just to pick up the phone to talk to my best and oldest friend (who lived in another country at the time so no ‘practical’ help) was the only thing that kept me sane. I can only imagine it’s doubly hard when dealing with someone else’s depression on top of looking after LO.

Do ask for post adoption support as and when you’re all able to. I let things get to crisis point before I did and wished (with hindsight) I’d asked much sooner. They won’t think you or your husband are failures for asking for help. We are all our own harshest critics. I hope things improve for you soon

Sounds like this has gone to the next level if he is harming himself like that. I personally think you need to ask social services for help. Ultimately you have to look after yourself and your child and this is a very very tricky time to have to look after all three of you. Talk to post adoption support, for yourself and your child. They will not want to take your child away, it's the absolute last thing they want to do. But if he refuses to get help you will need to or it could spiral for you as well.

I'm so so sorry you are having such a difficult time. If you have any family you can spend Christmas with then you should. and support being sent your way. Keep talking on the board

My turn to post on your thread.. really sorry things are like this. Xx

@poppet31 hope you are having a good day x

@poppet31 I am so sorry this has got worse. I echo everyone else that your dh needs to get help.

Do you know why he has reacted in this way, were there things that flagged this as a possible?

Has he reacted similarly to stress in the past?

Has he come through stress before? What helped him in the past?

It will be very hard to get help at this time of year but Samaritans are people you can talk to.

Samaritans

U might feel alone but you are not alone.
We are here for you

I can’t really imagine what you are going through right now. However, you have a duty to have a chat with your social worker and seek her support. It is not ok for a recently placed child, which has suffered a lot of trauma already, to be in an environment which might potentially put them further at risk. You say that your husband resents your adopted child and has started to self-harm. These are very serious red flags and I think you have a responsibility to do the right thing. Social services should definitely be aware of the situation so that they can find a way to support your husband and your child.

This sounds incredibly hard, Poppet. I am so sorry.

I am absolutely not qualified, but my instinct is that for your child's and husband's safety your husband should maybe stay with family for a while. This might give him the breathing space he needs to regain some level of stability, and avoid further harming. (Or God forbid harming your son). I would hope this would also give you a less distressing environment for you to be with your son.

It sounds like your husband does have a sense of duty towards you and your son. Perhaps you can use this to push him to seek help, by telling him he owes it to you? (Rather than he needs it/it is better for him?).

I also agree about getting any professional help available.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I'm not an expert, but things sound like they are out of control and your husband needs help & support - even if he doesn't think he does.
Anti-depressants are a blunt instrument in my opinion, but might help numb your husbands distress to try and get you all some breathing space, and to prevent things getting worse.
Please reach out to your support network and look after yourself as best you can, it sounds incredibly tough for you.

@poppet31. I totally agree with BraveGoldie and others. Who are your support network?You should have identified these people in training. Christmas is over now so people will be more available. Please do not suffer in silence.